What has changed that I haven't gotten the memo?

[BiddyPop]

When I was small, Christmas was about Baby Jesus being born, and all the family coming together. Yes there were presents and decorations and outings and Santa and all that too. But the focus was mostly on family and some on Church.

Nowadays, Christmas is all about the children and presents. If you don't have small DCs, it seems as though you don't matter. Everything must be aimed around the children and their timetable - no waiting for communal opening of presents after lunch or whenever the agreed time is. The DCs are allowed to run around underfoot while certain adults are working hard to get the meal ready but you can't give out to those DCs as "its Christmas and all about the DCs and they are enjoying their new toys". Nor are you allowed to have a quiet chat as adults in 1 corner without those DCs pulling out of you and their parents being upset if you ignore them for 5 minutes to finish the conversation they interrupted.

Alcohol has always been part of it. But it seems like you are now expected to have buck's fizz or even prosecco with breakfast and keep going all day and long into the night. This having followed wild nights out on multiple occasions in the run up. If you don't participate in everything, you are "an old spoilsport" or worse.

Asking for a quiet afternoon at some point over the short break, when its been a busy year and festive season which has utterly exhausted you, is verboten as "it's Christmas, we need to see you!" - having seen me yesterday and tomorrow and the day after that. And also bearing in mind I have to fit in the other side of the family at some point before getting back home to our house. And fit in a few friends and other family when we do get back home.

Expectations for presents have risen exponentially - and extortionately. Between the marketers thinking that you should spend £100 on a phone for your friend, or £,000s on a watch or diamonds for your OH, and teens and younger adults expecting that you will cough up the good stuff.

Or the opposite - when one group turns around 6 days before Christmas to say that they have organized a completely different arrangement to usual (and a communal gift from them) when you have already purchased and possibly even wrapped the 15 individual gifts for them!

Is it just me, am I getting old, or has Christmas changed so much over the past - not even 20 years, or 10, I think it's the past 4/5 years.

Too scared to put this in AIBU, but fully expecting to be flamed.

I know, maybe I am bitter, stressed out, worn out, etc. I do hate the "Christmas is all about the children" line - it's about the whole family. And there are some who have very different views on parenting their DCs compared to us.

I am trying not to be bitter. I have to work. DD's needs are tough to deal with (a tween with ASD/ADHD) and so is juggling the chaos of our lives (DH, DD and I). But I hate the expectations put upon us by others who don't take account of that chaos when laying out their needs (not wants) and the guilt trips we get if we can't comply. I am sitting at work, ill, with Christmas only half organized and knowing I will get it all done but I have had a phonecall only yesterday from someone "inviting us if we are free" to something on a day they should know better as there is another significant family event and also our only chance of a quiet day - but really expecting that we will drop everything and arrive. And there's a lot of stress and grumbling in the background from various family members that I am supposed to listen to (as the pressure release valve) rather than it spewing out at other events, but no one ever wants to see if I am doing ok or need to let anything out.

OK - I am going to have a walk over lunch, in the fresh air, get the last one gift I need, and call in somewhere quiet to contemplate where I can find my Christmas spirit again.

(I do generally like the people I spend it with, but we've had a very tough 18 months, and need some quiet time as a nuclear family, and there are some DCs in the extended family on both sides who are allowed to run riot which does annoy me when everyone is cooped up indoors).

I think too many people get stressed out about planning and organising Christmas, it's just a day after all.
I see friends getting stressed up to the eye balls about it all and making it so important, there's no need.

Well for heaven's sake if you don't like it don't do it!

You want a quiet afternoon? Then go back home and have one. It sounds as though you go to visit family with small children and are't enjoying it. So don't do. Just because it's Christmas you don't have to fall in with everyone else's plans.

Sounds like you are surrounded by people who don't share your values OP. That's hard. Perhaps new year could be a time for shifting your circle of friends towards those who do?

If you miss the religious aspects of Christmas then maybe find a church or spiritual group that you might want to share some of next Christmas with? After my exH left, and the big, extended family, Christmas stopped happening, the dc and I ended up volunteering at a local church run Xmas lunch for the elderly (not a church we have anything to do with). This year I get to go to a service on Xmas morning for the first time in about 30yrs! One of my DDs wants to do lunch (I'm bowing out gracefully) and we have eleven friends and family coming. We don't do loads of gifts. We do secret Santa - and it has to be from a charity shop. Otoh we will have a sumptuous spread of food, catering for everything from "practically a carnivore" to vegan.

I would sow the seeds now, with friends and family, that next year will be different. Then take control and give yourself the Christmas you want in 2017. Lots of people probably would find our Christmas a bit "meagre", but for us it's a lovely day, and rarely stressful.

My Christmas Day will be me and DP and our parents, no kids, but we still open our presents first thing in the morning because that's just the way we like to do it - just like millions of other families. It's not something that's recently changed; it's just that different families do it different ways and probably always have.

Although I don't have kids myself (and I am generally not especially patient or tolerant of noise/chaos/mess) even I wouldn't expect small children not to be excited about playing with their new toys on Christmas Day. They're entitled to be excited and a bit crazy for one day a year. I'd ask them to be kept out of the kitchen while I was a cooking purely for safety reasons as I wouldn't want to trip over a toddler while carrying a pan of hot fat or something - but on Christmas Day I don't think I'd be annoyed by a child interrupting my chat to show me their presents or something. It's only one day a year and I generally find that kids are actually trying to be nice when they want to include you. They don't understand why you aren't as excited about their Lego/Peppa Pig playset/baby doll that wets itself/whatever as they are, so I do think it's time to cut them some slack.

Regarding the alcohol, it's absolutely fine to refuse buck's fizz with breakfast, but try not to do it in such a snotty way that you're clearly judging other people. Nobody else wants to feel that your refusal to have a glass of something is some sort of statement of superiority, which is how your post makes it sound. If you don't want wild nights out (nor do I, frankly) then don't go on them, but don't clutch your pearls because other people do.

Nobody in my family has any expectations about how much money we spend on presents. Last year, my sister wasn't able to get anything for my nieces and nephews because she was having temporary financial problems; she explained this to their parents and it was fine. I spend about £30 on each of them but if I spent £10, nobody would mind in the least. My brother and I usually just swap small gifts like a book or a DVD or something.

We don't go to church, but that's because we never have - there's been no church-going on either side of my family for as long as anyone (including the generation now in their 90s) can remember.

So, not everyone's Christmas is the way you describe it.

It sounds like you're feeling really resentful about the way your Christmas is going. If that's the case, it's perfectly possible to opt out. If you prefer to spend it on your own or to be more selective about who you invite, that's absolutely fine. Maybe also be a bit more flattered/grateful that people actually want to see you?! I am not very sociable and find lots of social gatherings really stressful, but I don't get annoyed when people invite me to things because it's clear that they are being kind and I'm pleased they want to see me. The fact that I find it stressful is my problem to be dealt with in whatever way I choose (which might be by making an excuse not to go); it's not any kind of fault of the people who invite me.

I think basically you either need to make some changes or stop moaning. And if you are going to someone else's house for Christmas, accept that you're the guest and that it's up to them how they want the day to go.

YANBU in general. The whole affair has been overtaken by commercialism. It saddens me too. The pressure is huge and I don't actually blame my DC for producing large lists of items they want. This is what they see and they don't actually expect it all. It's just in their faces all the time.

I think timewise you need to make decisions about how you spend your time and equally make a decision to ignore anyone who calls you a spoilsport for opting out of wild nights out or anything you don't want to attend to be honest. To put it bluntly you could die tomorrow, don't waste your time worrying about things like that nor listening to other people's opinions about how you spend your own time.

Yes, it has changed and is not the simple, family oriented sharing that we used to have. But make it what you want it to be as much as you can, make traditiions with your own family that you enjoy and say no, to gifts that you can't afford and outings that you don't want to go to.

Happy Christmas OP. I really do hope that you have a good week in the run up to Christmas Day and take time to enjoy the things you want to.

That doesn't describe my Christmas at all. It's what you make it.

It sounds like you need some quiet time. Can you not have Christmas at home with just your DH and DD and see other family members separately after the holiday period?

For us it's lots of family together - different ages and generations. It's noisy and there isn't quiet time for adults to chat as we're usually all playing with the DC's toys. There are lots of presents, food and drink but we can afford it and it's a special time of year for us. We don't do the Baby Jesus stuff as non of us are believers but we celebrate being with family, no work and a chance to have a break from normal life.

Christmas means different things and is celebrated differently by different people.

Christmas was always a quite raucous, jolly affair in my house. We are Irish catholic and to be honest, even in our family in the 70s and 80s, we barely observed the religious aspect to it. I hope that doesn't offend people, but it really was just a chance for the adults to have a drink ad play music and relax, and us kids to get presents and do exciting things we wouldn't normal do like eat chocolate before breakfast

Don't be a grinch

Oh and I hold say - this is exactly how we still do Christmas in my house

Hopefully as an adult you make your own rules.
When I was not yet adult, it was unheard of to openly say you didn't like Christmas. Now if you admit to quite enjoying the preparation or fuss you're looked at as if you are being childish. It seems reasonable that if people hate forced jollity or it brings back sad memories they can be open about not celebrating it.

If there are infants and young ones getting over-excited you can stand it really - plenty of time to chat if someone takes them outdoors or when they're off to bed

I agree some folk could plan better. If they tend to be thoughtless it gets worse in December. All year round the immediacy of texting enables people to change plans or drop out at very short notice.

I don't think parents bagging all the Christmas leave as an automatic right is fair on those who don't have children.

This year sending cards has halved. I don't miss them as much as I did when they first started dwindling. I was nagged onto dropping relations a line after Christmas to say thank you but honestly what's wrong with a sincere swift phone call or text.

Growing up in our house DM wanted us to wait until after lunch for present opening 'to spin the day out' , we were on tenterhooks. She also liked to leave setting up the Christmas tree until very shortly before 25th and couldn't wait to take it down as soon as NYE was over. I caught myself looking forward to taking decorations early last year; maybe it's an age thing.

Some while ago friends and family agreed to rein things in budget-wise. I hope nobody I exchange presents with feels obligated to keep it up. We 'treat' ourselves nearly all year round now and are so worried about getting the wrong thing for others, we rarely wing it. So the surprise element is missing a lot of the time anyway.

I can see why cash strapped councils have to cut back on street decorations. It's a shame but too extravagant these days.

It was better tv back then, though!

I don't mind DCs playing with their toys and being noisy - I DO mind when they continually run around the kitchen and their parents say once to stay out but let them keep doing it - it is a safety thing. And if anyone other than the parents says a word, those other ADULTS get spoken to by the parents. Because it is all about the children, and they will be the only people to discipline the children.

I'm trying to stop moaning, which is partly why I am on here and not saying it to family etc. I seem to be the release valve for my Siblings - but I have too much going on to be that right now and they don't accept that.

It's not all about family either, it's hearing from friends what their families/other friends have told them to do or what to buy them. (We have already moved to a secret santa in our family - so that is mostly working well other than 1 person making outrageous suggestions!). I don't sneer at others drinking - but I have reduced my tolerance in recent years having seen the toxicity that happens when too much is consumed.

And it's not entirely just about Christmas - but trying to manage certain difficulties from a distance, closer family members not getting involved, and some people burying their heads rather than facing reality since DFIL died last autumn (2015). Sorry to be cryptic, I don't think others know me on here but there is a chance.

DH has already suggested something completely different for next year - not just our usual "quiet nuclear family Christmas at home" that we alternate with extended family years, but a complete break from it in a different country. I suspect he really means it too, and DD and I would both happily do 1 version of that, and probably even the wilder version if we gather the funds together. I can already see the fireworks when it is announced, but I think they have actually reaped what we will then sow on this one.

If you feel it's a zoo or circus then it might be fun to go away. You don't have to explain or apologise to the rest.

I'm not surprised you're bitter OP, your Christmas sounds truly awful. FWIW I have 2 young children and have lots of friends with young children and none of them have a Christmas like you describe.
So far our Christmas has involved a few Christmas crafts done at home (salt dough decorations etc) and the DD's have had a pre school Christmas party. I've done some shopping online. I'll wrap the gifts at home point this week, we'll go to the crib service on Christmas Eve we're having a low key Christmas Day at home with my mum round. Boxing Day lunch at my dads. That's our Christmas! Quiet and low key. Helps that we don't really have my relatives I guess, my brother is dead and DH's parents and sister live abroad so we don't see them at Christmas.

I'm old enough to remember Xmas the way you describe it. It seemed smaller and more intimate somehow, but remember that back then we were the children/young adults and the pressure wasn't on us. It was on our mothers to produce the results. I'm sure they felt the same pressure we do now.

But I do think that people (in general) were a bit more understanding and polite, (some) children were a bit better behaved and less demanding, and (more) families were less inclined to tolerate 'drama'.

I think Christmas was more about 'preserving the magic' for children then as opposed to being 'all about the children'. There's a difference.

Biddypop, I see what you mean, and all the posts on MN from people feeling pressured about one thing or another would seem to agree with you.

I'm reasonably lucky, family circumstance have meant DH and I have had lots of control over Christmas and it is very much how we like it. Children are well behaved in the main because the day is very structured so they know what to expect. Stockings and church keep them busy till lunchtime. Food and presents fill the afternoon. Present expectation from extended family can be a hit stressful, but I'm fairly hard nosed about it- my DCs are to remember they are lucky and that cost of/good choice of presents do not correlate to love. The ones I give, well, no one is in actual need so if they don't like it they can charity shop it.

This year I have both sets of parents very unwell, so it's proving a lot harder to organise.

You are a people pleaser that needs to learn to say no. No idea why you don't have the Xmas you want.

Is it just me

Yes its just you making stuff up. Hth.

You sound like you have significant issues with young children as well as gift giving, and visiting family when you'd rather not,

I think going away for Xmas or just declining invites is the way to go if you feel so strongly about it, I'm sure people can tell you feel so negative . And your partner probably knows this and is trying to find a solution.

For us, no it was never really about religion, it is about family, friends, being together, gifts, laughter, food , noise, booze, and kids running round with at least three dogs under foot making it more joyous.

This year we are having a quiet one and doing the big thing at New Years instead, as we fancied a change of pace, but we enjoy it. If it's not your scene, then you need to either do something else or just say no. Doing it and being bitter about it isn't ok for anyone really.

I really don't understand why people get so stressed out and wound up over Christmas. Surely it's all in the planning and preparation to keep it stress free?

I've got 3 young kids and a husband whose working so much this week I doubt I'll see him before midnight Xmas eve. Therefore I've got to do everything myself, so I started gift buying in July and had the food ordered early November. I plan on prepping as much of the dinner early as I can and actually I quite enjoy standing at the peace and quiet of the stove rather than putting together all the toys which my husband does.

Drinking, sure, it's fun. I won't drink the holiday away though, hangovers are a bitch!!

To me christmas is about the children, as I love to see how wonderful and excited they get about it. I know at some point my husband will have to work Xmas day (we've been really lucky since my DD was born in 09 he's had Xmas day off) and I know I'll have to be even better prepared.

Take the bits of Xmas you like, discard the bits you don't and make it your Christmas.

Surely it's all in the planning and preparation to keep it stress free?
What if people find the planning and preparation stressful?

I've got to do everything myself There is a lot of this on MN. NB Arrow I see why, in your case, and I'm not addressing this to you; but MN seems inordinately full of women with partners and families who assume that they will be the mug who does everything. THIS can be stressful!

I can see where you're coming from too OP. I am also tired of the, "it's all about the kids" attitude.... so those of us without kids are expected to do what over Xmas?

I'm spending it on my own (sort of-I have pets). So Damnit I got 2 Xmas trees (a live potted one outside and a fake one inside). I also bought myself an Xmas present and it's under the tree. Screw it... I'm doing Xmas this year and it's not just about kids.

Oh and I'm atheist so religion doesn't come into it for me. It's just trees, food, pressie, pets, phone relatives (different country)

you sound far too bothered in what other people think/say/do ....'fireworks' about you may or may not do next year ...getting the hump with invites on days you want to be quiet etc.....

If you don't want to be around 'differently' parented children then leave..I really like the company of children but am not keen on them careering around my house so only have friends over who I know wont be doing that! and if it gets too much elsewhere I leave....

If your siblings won't hear you saying you can't talk just say gotta go- food burning/iron hot/telly programme on whatever - you shut it down- so what if they don't 'accept' it

just say No (is a complete sentence) or the sorry no have plans/that doesn't work for us Mumsnet mantra....if you don't want to do anything....

I think you sound like you have enough on your plate as is - and you do sound swamped .......

maybe look at some assertiveness stuff for next year as you do sound a bit martyr'ish too though ....

You sound burnt out to me rather than bitter and i get that because looking after cildren and young people with extra needs is v draining . Other people wont get it so i agree with others that you should do what suits you as a family and prioritise recharging your batteries .
Dont go along with anything you dont want to and enjoy it your way .