Please give me a kick up the arse or at the very least tell me I'm not the only one with an unwanted guest.

[Beachcomber]

I like Xmas. I like trees and cooking and cold weather and cosy houses.

Most years we either spend it at my family's or DH's family. This year PILs are away and we are having a rare quiet Xmas in our own home. My mum is coming to visit (don't live in the UK). Am planning being able to suit ourselves (mum pretty easy going although can be irritating as she has lots of tics and annoying habits. She is happy with a nice meal, a few drinks, some Xmas telly, watching DC enjoy themselves). I plan being in my pyjamas for most of the morning and only getting dressed when I can be bothered or to cook. Total relaxation, relaxed company, just 5 people to cook for. All good.

And then I realised that we will need to invite DH's dad. His parents divorced when DH was little and his dad was living abroad up until this year. This is the first time in years we will be in the same country as him at Xmas, we have never spent Xmas with him. He and DH do not have a particularly good relationship, they are not at all close. He is an odd man and not pleasurable company (although he is perfectly pleasant).

In the country we live in there is traditionally a big meal on the 24th in the evening and both the 24th and the 25th are considered "Christmas". It would be mean not to invite him to both and therefore to stay over.

I'm a mean scoogey cow because I don't want to have him at all (neither does DH). We will though.

Please give me a kick up the arse and tell me to cheerfully get on with it. I just know that the whole dynamic will be different to my fantasy Xmas of for once being in my own home and being totally chilled. To add to the fun my mum and my FIL don't speak the same language and I will constantly feel like I'm leaving one of them out whichever language I speak (thankfully DH, the kids and I all speak both).

Alternatively make me feel better by telling me about your less than ideal guests ( combination of gritted teeth and saintly cheerfulness)

He and DH do not have a particularly good relationship, they are not at all close

Then why would you invite him? I don't get it.

We have often had what we call "waifs and strays", one year we had 6 of them (but there were already 22 for dinner, so it didn't matter too much). We just ply them with alcohol and food and leave them to it.

I'm dreading having to spend time with SiL. PIL are coming to us for Christmas Day so SIL has to come too as she will otherwise be on her own. She's rude and ridiculously competitive. Last year she started googling the prices of gifts everyone got and kicked off when the ones she had received cost less. She doesn't contribute to food or drink. One year she was asked to bring along some tin foil. She pulled off a tiny amount then hid the roll in her bag.

Fake it until you make it OP. Smile and be happy, season of goodwill and all that shit. Wine also helps.

He doesn't have anywhere else to go. We live 20 mins drive from him and if he doesn't come to us he will be alone in a bedsit.

They don't argue or anything. He is totally emotionally unavailable and very selfish. But not actively unpleasant or nasty.

Well that is what Christmas is all about - family.

So invite him, suck it up and smile.

ho ho ho my Dad died this year so I am not tied to here so we are going abroad to visit family ho ho ho

Why would you invite him?

Why not say "FIL, we'll see you on the 23rd for dinner"

To be honest, if he's not discussed it with you yet, he's probably already got plans. Assume he has, or that he's doing whatever he usually does, and act accordingly.

I would feel totally differently if we were doing a big family do. It wouldn't matter then, just as you say about "waifs and strays" user. He would just be there in the background.

This changes things a lot because there are so few of us. Just need to find a way to make peace with it and then I'll be a grown up about it. (Am still at the petulant "but I don't want to" stage.)

Dionysuss, your SIL sounds like a nightmare. Good luck. And yes, to wine.

We will have to keep repeating that it is the season of goodwill....

Hope she behaves better this year. Feeling for you.

Well that is what Christmas is all about - family So invite him, suck it up and smile

I HATE this attitude! Hey, you know that parent who did fuck all for you when you were a kid, invite them for christmas because its a time for family! Er, no. Childhood is a time for family, you don't get to skip out and then be welcomed back just because you'll be alone for christmas. Maybe they deserve to be alone for christmas?

That's not to say I don't think fair play to you, OP, if you do it. Just that I think you should ignore people who tell you you are obliged to, you're not.

ExitPursuedBySantaSpartacus. So sorry about your dad. Best wishes to you for the festive season

Your situation rather puts mine into perspective.

Do you know what? You will spend the next few weeks dreading it and then when it was all over, you will think to yourself - "that didn't go too bad!" I love my df dearly but he also has a lot of annoying habits and tics and I am basically a very intolerant person so any fidgeting at all drives me crazy! Anytime he is coming to stay, I always stress a bit about it beforehand and when he is actually here, it doesn't annoy me as much as I worried it might. So what I am saying is, if you have committed to having him, put it out of your head now and enjoy the weeks leading up to Christmas. Remind yourself when he arrives that it is only for one night and you will have the rest of Christmas to yourselves. Honestly, it won't be as bad as you are building it up in your head to be!

I know, user1480946351 - I sort of agree with you.

I don't think he particularly deserves to be invited IYSWIM but at the same time things aren't openly bad enough for us not to invite him.

I'm 99% certain he doesn't have plans; he is thrice divorced, has no other children, not really in contact with his only sister and has very few friends. He lived abroad in a country that doesn't celebrate Xmas for about 15 years and before that lived 400 miles away from us with his now ex-wife.

The only other person who would invite him is DH's mum (his first ex-wife). They get on ok nowadays and she feels sorry for him. But she and her now DH are going away to see SIL.

We do just have to suck it up. It would be mean not to and the relationship isn't bad enough to justify it. Unfortunately it isn't good enough for us to want him in our home over Xmas either.

I'm cross because we very rarely are at home for Xmas, every year we either travel to my family or are at PILs. With them being away and my mum happy to come to us it was a once in about 15 years opportunity to do our own Xmas.

Aaarrrggg. I'm not making myself feel better here.

I don't see why you feel obliged to invite him. I don't think you should be obliged to invite anyone who's selfish and who doesn't get on with their own child.

You're right jennymac.

The tics thing is my mum though. I manage ok with that although it is intensely irritating (think tapping of nails, constant little noises, feet tapping, weird repetitive cutlery movements for every mouthful, etc). I'm used to it and manage to tune a lot of it out, you have to or you would end up shouting STOP IT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD at her after half an hour.

The issue with DH's dad is more complex.

Thanks for the cheery grown up arse kick though. It is exactly what I need.

I wouldn't bother inviting him. Be selfish for once, put yourself first. You can always invite him over for boxing day. If he's lived somewhere that doesn't celebrate it for fifteen years it might not be such a big thing to him anymore.

Why on earth has he moved so close to you if yoyr DH and him have a rubbish relationship? Are you going to end up having to have him over all the time now? Even more reason not to invite him for Christmas and risk setting a trend if so

I would like to just not invite him but it isn't really my decision, it is DH's.

DH would rather not have him but will feel he can't not.

He moved back here because he had nothing and nowhere to go and he stayed with us when he first left (for security reasons, a country likely to have a revolution / civil war). He is from here and grew up here. He has hardly any ties in the world apart from his son and our children.

We don't want him to come but he would be very hurt and wouldn't understand if we didn't.

It will be fine. It just won't be what we really want. DH's dad is selfish and unemotional but DH is not. He is kind and empathetic and will have his dad at Xmas so that he doesn't spend it alone in a rented bedsit.

I feel a bit crap for my mum. She doesn't know him (met him twice in 20 years), doesn't speak the same language as him and can be socially anxious. I know she would prefer to be just us but she wouldn't say it because she won't want to make me feel bad and as someone who lives alone she wouldn't want him to be alone on Xmas because she can well imagine how lonely that would be.

Help!!! I was being sarcastic.....

And honestly not looking for sympathy about my Dad, but thanks anyway.

Ah okay Exit.

Hope you have a great Xmas doing something you really want

once in about 15 years opportunity to do our own Xmas.

^ this is your problem. However you resolve FIL this year, you might want to think about why you've spent 15 years never doing your own thing

You sound lovely Beachcomber. You are doing the right thing. I tried hard to always welcome my in laws at Christmas( not always with good grace). I know my husband really appreciated my efforts and so did our children. They have passed now and it is nice not to live with guilt.

Yes Mrsmuddle, I try to think of it as modelling how to treat lonely old people well. Only time will tell if what goes around comes around....

Chillywhippet, I just meant spending Xmas day in our own home by that comment.

Like a lot of people we go to alternate parents most years. DH's family live nearby and most years there is a big family get together. If we are around we go. It is nice and we enjoy it but we aren't having a chilled time at home. Other years we go to my family who live in the UK. Again it is nice and we enjoy it and the children get to see grandparents and cousins.

This year has just turned out to be different as DH's family aren't all getting together and we hadn't planned travelling to my family. I was looking forward to having Xmas at home. Just stuff like waking up in my own bed and being able to enjoy our tree and choose what and when we eat.

It's lovely to be invited to family and we have had lots of great Christmases - I am just looking forward to not being a guest this year.

Anyway I've made peace with it today and will cheerfully invite DH's dad and think myself lucky to have a home, a happy family, food on the table, etc to share.

X posts.

Thanks mrsmuddlepies. I was not feeling full of good grace earlier but have got a grip on myself now and am going to behave like a kind grown up and hopefully with genuine good grace.

Beachcomber, well done. You'll feel better about yourself having done it.

How old are your kids? Can your separate parents play cards? Because if they can, a large glass of wine/ schnapps/ Sherry plus uno, vingt et un, neither if which needs the same language, can be a life saver. An easyish jigsaw with alcohol and one of those jigsaw mats that folds up is also a life saver.. each child has an adult and an area of the jigsaw. Each adult has a child and a large glass and an area of the jigsaw. The spare adult is either you or DH. You and DH command, firmly. One if you joins in. This is what we are doing. Willingness has nothing to do with it.

Dominoes is another good one.

If non alcohol, try mint/ ordinary tea and dates/ biscuits. Chocolate leads to bad behaviour.

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