Please give me a kick up the arse or at the very least tell me I'm not the only one with an unwanted guest.

[Beachcomber]

I like Xmas. I like trees and cooking and cold weather and cosy houses.

Most years we either spend it at my family's or DH's family. This year PILs are away and we are having a rare quiet Xmas in our own home. My mum is coming to visit (don't live in the UK). Am planning being able to suit ourselves (mum pretty easy going although can be irritating as she has lots of tics and annoying habits. She is happy with a nice meal, a few drinks, some Xmas telly, watching DC enjoy themselves). I plan being in my pyjamas for most of the morning and only getting dressed when I can be bothered or to cook. Total relaxation, relaxed company, just 5 people to cook for. All good.

And then I realised that we will need to invite DH's dad. His parents divorced when DH was little and his dad was living abroad up until this year. This is the first time in years we will be in the same country as him at Xmas, we have never spent Xmas with him. He and DH do not have a particularly good relationship, they are not at all close. He is an odd man and not pleasurable company (although he is perfectly pleasant).

In the country we live in there is traditionally a big meal on the 24th in the evening and both the 24th and the 25th are considered "Christmas". It would be mean not to invite him to both and therefore to stay over.

I'm a mean scoogey cow because I don't want to have him at all (neither does DH). We will though.

Please give me a kick up the arse and tell me to cheerfully get on with it. I just know that the whole dynamic will be different to my fantasy Xmas of for once being in my own home and being totally chilled. To add to the fun my mum and my FIL don't speak the same language and I will constantly feel like I'm leaving one of them out whichever language I speak (thankfully DH, the kids and I all speak both).

Alternatively make me feel better by telling me about your less than ideal guests ( combination of gritted teeth and saintly cheerfulness)

Kids are 10 and 12. Good idea about games. We have things like mastermind and connect 4 which don't need language. Both parents like a drink and both will probably fall asleep at some point in the afternoon (these two facts may not be entirely unrelated )

The kids are quite used to being in situations where not all the adults speak the same language and they are very nice about translating and helping conversations along.

Sorry Beachcomber, I sounded much harsher than I meant to. My Christmas got more chilled once I started staying put but now I have unpredictable waifs and strays like pp said. Unpredictable in some people come just when they need to and unpredictable in that my aunt usually offends my MIL

I had my frail nan 2 years running. The first year my uncle brought her from hospital in a wheelchair. The kids were young enough to happily sing her songs from their Christmas shows. She died a few years ago and I'm so pleased we welcomed her.

Mary Berry always has a family puzzle on the go in her kitchen at Christmas and we have a 1000 piece which normally comes out Boxing Day. It's a great way of people quietly filling in time or working together to do the tricky bits.

I'm glad you have settled to it in your head and it sounds like you will be happier welcoming FIL than feeling bad that he is on his own. I hope you do have a chilled Christmas.

No worries, Chillywhippet. I probably came across as a Christmas martyr!

Logistics of where everybody lives and the types of houses they have mean that we usually spend Xmas in someone else's house. All very nice but it will be lovely to be at home this year. Puzzles are a good idea too - I will feel better if I can help my mum to not feel awkward. FIL will sit in awkward silence and not care but my mum would find it excruciating. So, puzzles, games, wine, charming and distracting grandchildren, etc are the plan. I could weep really, I want to be in my jammies, chatting in English to my mum and having a laugh with my DH whilst my kids do whatever they want. FIL will monopolize DH, my mum will probably be anxious and it will all be weird and awkward.

I know that sounds like me being terribly negative but I want to be realistic and firmly put to bed Ideal Xmas Scenario and accept and be briskly cheerful about Weird Awkward Xmas. I will now try to put it out of my head as advised upthread and hope to be surprised on the day by it all being much nicer than I think.

I think this could go better than you expect; either FIL makes an effort to join in and it's nicer for everyone, or he decides he hasn't enjoyed it and isn't keen to come again. He may decide seeing your family for lunch out on Boxing day may be easier to cope with, where he only has to socialise for a limited time. FIL is his own worst enemy, his past history has shown that, so he shouldn't expect his family members to remedy his lack of company, and especially not out of guilt.

I feel for you. It's hard to not invite family in the real world so I get if you don't feel you can leave him out. Every Christmas my poor mum has to have her sister for three excruciating days and it's basically ruined Christmas for her and my dad. My aunt is one of those people who just sucks the fun out of any situation. She's mean about everyone, "falls out" with people at the drop of a hat and then does things "for badness" to annoy them (her words), interrupts and contradicts anyone and everyone and drinks FAR too much and starts going on about how she's an orphan (she was in her 50s when my grandparents died) and how no one can understand how that feels ... even though my mum is sitting right there. She has health problems that mean she has a restricted and bland diet, so my mum always doubles up on food so there is something she can eat to which she normally wrinkles her nose and says "did you make this? Bit salty" or similar. She never says thank you, is often scathing about her presents, even though she hasn't put any thought into the ones she's given. And the one year I lost my tag and had a word with her, she cried, so we can't even alter her behaviour. It's a miserable time for them - I don't go any more as I don't want to subject DP and the DC to it. Buuuut mum can't leave her alone at Christmas because they are sisters and she promised her dying father that they'd look out for each other.

Basically they have a crap time and then go to town on it for New Year. Christmas is just a day. Make the best of it and then plan something nice for the next week.

OhPuddleducks, your mum's sister sounds like a nightmare. Your poor parents. It's awful how one person can spoil it for everyone else, including you and your family basically not being able to spends Xmas with your parents if you want to have a nice time. Your mum must be very kind.

Unfortunately, girlywhirly, FIL doesn't really decide things or think about enjoyment, his own and that of others. He will come to whatever he is invited to - in part because he is lonely, in part because he will be cooked for and served drinks and in part because he is incredibly passive so will accept any invitation without considering if it will be a really nice thing to do or not. He won't feel awkward, we will because he is passive and a bit of an emotional parasite whilst not giving anything much of himself.

Part of the reason I feel so strongly is because when he first came back to this country he stayed with us for a few months (whilst contributing almost nothing) and he just sucked the life and happiness out of our home. He is indeed his own worst enemy. He is lucky to have the son he does, he has never so much as called or texted on Xmas day in the 25 years I've been with DH let alone ever sent anything to his grandchildren. I'm resentful that because now he is old (ish) and alone and has made a bit of a mess of his life so has nothing and no-one else, we feel obliged to be there for him.

But we do and it is Xmas and I'm always complaining about how Xmas has become too commercial and lacking in values so this year I will put my money where my mouth is and have a joyless slightly embittered man I don't really like at my table for a couple of days.

Would it help to have something else to look forward to? A weekend away with just your own immediate family or something like that.
I have total sympathy for you because when you're looking forward to something and then it's snatched away it's twice as bad as if you'd never planned the nice thing.
While I can understand what other posters are saying, like you I couldn't not invite him in the circumstances. It's sucks being a grown up at Christmas sometimes
In Ireland the 6th of January was traditionally called Oiche Nollaig na mBan or Women's Christmas. I never mention it or draw attention to it but I make a point of planning some little treat for myself on that day and am ruthlessly selfish for that one day. It gets me through the sucky stuff that invariably crashes in on me at Christmas.

OK, I get that you feel obliged this Christmas. But given his past selfish behaviour you can give him a heads up on what you expect while he is a guest in your home. He should interact with everyone, he should do things to help when asked, he should join in with the DGC games. Rather than allowing him to just sit there being provided with food and drinks, how about he is asked to hand around the drinks, or take food to the table.

Have you ever wondered if he is on the autistic spectrum?

DON'T invite him to the whole thing. Can't you compromise and just invite him on 25th? That way you don't have to put up with him staying over and you get 24th to yourself, but you've also done (some of) your filial duty by hosting him on Christmas Day.

OK, no one gets the whole of what they want, but at least you don't ruin your plans for the whole celebration and he doesn't have to be alone for the whole thing either.

Thanks beachcomber, my mum is a total trouper. Are there things you can do to minimalist his input? For example, when I did go home, we'd all go for a long walk in the afternoon because we knew my aunt wouldn't want to come. It was a little pocket of time where we could have fun. Also, seriously think about something brilliant for new year. It's easier to grin through the misery if you have something else lined up. And as we say in my family, wishing you a peaceful, uneventful Christmas and a merry New Year!

Ah Christmas. Season of goodwill to all men.

Thanks again everyone for advice.

DH decided to invite him for the 25th but not the 24th and not overnight. We have decided to do a UK style Xmas with the 24th being like Christmas Eve (rather than the big deal that it is in this country). We explained to FIL that we aren't doing anything on Xmas eve and that he is welcome to come and do British style Xmas day.

He seemed fine with this and we feel it is a good compromise all round. Hope you all have a lovely time