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Christmas

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Original poster

Elderly in Care Home on Christmas Day - WWYD

53 replies

LizzieMacQueen · 09/12/2015 08:15

I'm looking for a bit of advice from you who may have grandparents in care homes.

My DH mother has dementia but not at a level that she's oblivious to Christmas however she is unable to stay over with us because of incontinence and other issues.

Having her with us on Christmas Day involves her being collected/returned approx 50 miles away. Including settling in/picking up and time in the car, the total time out of our day is around 5 hours. I think this is too much time out as well as meaning no alcohol with lunch. She flat out refuses to use a taxi.

As an alternative I was going to suggest DH take the children to visit her on Christmas morning but how long a visit would be enough do you think?
What I'm trying to weigh up is what is the least worst option.

Kids are 16, 14 and 12.

DH says he is happy to not drink, he doesn't mind the drive. It's just me, I don't want to be the only one drinking and then be left tending the fire and loading the dishwasher when he takes her home.

So WWYD?

OP posts:

dementedma · 09/12/2015 21:30

We live in an upstairs flat. Dad couldn't manage the stairs even if we brought him to us. What am I supposed to do? Carry him up on my back???? He is frightened by noise, lots of people, faces he doesn't recognise - which is pretty much everyone. He will cry and shout and then wet himself and get very distressed. It's not about not wanting to make the effort. It's about managing what he can and can't xopey with!

dementedma · 09/12/2015 21:30

Cope

Helenluvsrob · 09/12/2015 21:32

Third one with a dad in a care home for the 1st Xmas this year :(

We will go early and take presents and all the family, maybe a little Buck's Fizz and nibbles ....

Then we will leave him to his Xmas dinner with his new friends in the home. I don't know if he'll mind. I don't think he can think or express that sort of thing really. He likes being with us, but he likes it when things are happening in the home around him too. What he likes less is when nothing happens eg Sunday afternoons in the home. He can't go to the loo here if he comes to ours ( Well at Xmas we will have 2 strapping 20+ yr olds so they could probably get him up and down stairs, but I couldn't), and he's falling lots so I spend every moment wondering if he's feeling wandery!

VulcanWoman · 09/12/2015 21:33

Adele do you have personal experience of an elderly relative with dementia?

VulcanWoman · 09/12/2015 21:34

How dare you send us on a fricking guilt trip.

dementedma · 09/12/2015 21:36

What Vulcan said!!!! It's bloody hard enough without the implication that we don't care!

VulcanWoman · 09/12/2015 21:46

One of the carers in my mums care home had her mother living there, even though she was a trained carer it's a different matter when it's personal to you.

LyndaNotLinda · 09/12/2015 21:46

I would get advice from the care home. My gran actually didn't enjoy being carted about and found it really stressful, confusing and upsetting. She much preferred having a visit than being carted off. That was more about us feeling it was the right thing to do, than about her.

I also feel that if people refuse to use taxis and insist on being driven about (bet she's never driven), that's pretty selfish. Has she always insisted on being ferried about like the queen or is this since she's had dementia?

Redglitter · 09/12/2015 21:47

Definitely discuss it with the care home. We has my mums aunt over one year when she lived in a home and it was a nightmare. Auntie was completely out her comfort zone wouldn't sit for 10 mins let alone relax and kept asking to go home. The minute we finished dinner she put her coat on and wanted taken home.

The next year she spent Christmas Day in the care home and had a ball. My mum and dad and gran went to visit her on Boxing Day - everyone was totally stress free & it was far more successful

sleepyhead · 09/12/2015 21:50

We'll be visiting my grandma in the morning. This is what we did last year for the first time - it broke my mum's heart not to have her for Christmas dinner, but the previous year she had started asking to leave a soon as she arrived, the toilet situation was very difficult for her, and she found having the whole family around exhausting and noisy.

Everyone is different. Old people are people with likes, dislikes and preferences. People with dementia may react in different ways so there is no one size fits all option. God knows the guilt is bad enough without knowing that care home staff might be looking down their noses at you

Not the staff at my grandma's home though. They make Christmas as special as possible for the residents and a lot of laughs are had. It was them who advised my mum not to take her out last year, for both their sakes.

A peaceful Christmas to you all, however you spend it.

VulcanWoman · 09/12/2015 21:53

Christmas is just another day to me as well, my mum being the way she is one of the reasons. The last time I took my mum outside in a wheelchair every bump in the path was uncomfortable for her, even when we go up to the main lounge she frets and wants to go back to her own lounge. I get down in the dumps this time of year too! Lots of people do.

Raxacoricofallapatorius · 09/12/2015 22:01

My Grandma is in a home this year. My dd wrote on the school wishing tree that her one Christmas wish was grandma being well enough to come home for Christmas. She is incontinent, infirm and terribly confused. The home said it's impossible. We'll be going over on the 24th for carols and mince pies and back for the afternoon on the 25th. All of us, from 4 to 60.

I'd give anything to have her home for Christmas. Sod the fire and washing up. Have your bubbles and frivolity another time over the festive period. I mean this so kindly. This is so much more important.

Leeds2 · 09/12/2015 22:13

My ILs visit MIL's mum in the care home, and have Christmas lunch with her and the residents. (They have to pay for this, and it may not be possible in all homes). For the past three years or so, she has said she will not leave the home even though she has been begged to do so.

Original poster

LizzieMacQueen · 09/12/2015 22:19

Appreciate everyone has differing views hence the original WWYD.

Is anyone else in the position where they need to travel an hour before their visit so their one hour visit (seen as miserly by some) turns into a 3 hour round trip? And would they do this on Christmas Day leaving me behind (okay so not to do the dishes but still being on my own)? That is scenario 2 where DH takes the kids in for a Christmas morning visit.

Or collect Granny (thereby DH out of the house for 2.5 hrs in the morning) and returns her to the home at the end of the day (another 2.5hrs).

Of course I would like her here it's just that it is a lot of ferrying around.

Best solution would be a taxi but she refuses to consider that. And to a PP who asked, she has become more selfish with dementia so I know that is not her fault.

Agh, think I will call some hotels, local to her care home and see if they have slots left for Christmas lunch.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 09/12/2015 22:31

But your DH says that he doesn't mind the ferrying around so what exactly is the issue?

You are a grown adult, I should think some time on your own on Christmas Day would be absolutely blissful - or go with them if you can't bear the thought of being alone.

MARGUERITE18 · 09/12/2015 22:42

As someone who has worked with dementia patients and whose mother was in a dementia care home, I would say take the kids to visit her. Depending on how advance she is, taking her home for the day could seriously confuse and upset her. Instead visit her in what is now her familiar environment and play some nice relaxed games, pull crackers, open presents etc- enough fun without excessive stress. You have to consider whether you would be bringing her home because it was best for her or whether it made you feel good to do it.

wannabestressfree · 10/12/2015 05:19

My lovely lovely Nan came to us from her home the Christmas before last. She never travelled well and promptly threw up in my step dads new car. My mother phoned ahead to say she was poorly.
When she shuffled through the door -all six stone of her- she looked ill. I was carving the turkey as she had a spectacular heart attack and spent the next three months in hospital :(
Last christmas she stayed in the home and sadly passed away in Jan. I did the euology about the bravest woman I knew (she was 92) and how I miss her every day.
No one should be made to feel bad about decisions such as 'do we pick them up'? She loved her home and the people who cared for her where second to none.
First christmas without the lady who bought me grandma bear- :(

MarmaladeTeepee · 10/12/2015 12:49

As your children are all older you don't have to worry about Santa etc so why not postpone your Christmas by a day or 2? That way you could all go through and visit MIL on Christmas Day and make it all about her and not worry about the journey times etc, then have your Christmas on Boxing Day - big meal, exchange presents etc. Your children are old enough to understand and one day's not going to make any difference and in a way it'll be nicer as you get to spread it out longer

MackerelOfFact · 10/12/2015 13:00

When my grandmothers were alive and in care homes or hospital over Christmas, usually we just visited or collected them on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day instead. Care homes generally have a good timetable of festivities on Christmas Day itself and it's not as if they will be alone, and if they have dementia they actually don't actually have much concept of when Christmas Day actually is anyway.

I'm probably going to be flamed for being completely heartless, but for the very elderly who get tired, overwhelmed and confused easily, making a long journey on Christmas Day isn't that enjoyable for them - and if you're the ones visiting them, it doesn't make much difference if you visit Christmas Day or one of the days either side. They likely won't know the difference. :(

nannyl · 10/12/2015 19:51

wish my 65 year old father was well enough to leave his nursing home (as too poorly for residential home now, where he went at 61)

make the most of her being able to leave her home

I would give anything for my Dad to have (EVER) enjoyed Christmas with my 2 small girls.

The reality is he will not leave his home again until he is in a coffin.... not even for weddings or even his mothers funeral if he outlives her (unlikely)

Dementia is HORRIFIC, make the most of this very precious time you have left with her still functioning

dreamingofsun · 10/12/2015 21:43

lizzie - i've scanned your answers and i can't spot any telling us if she is used to going to your house? someone with dementia and continence problems may not want to visit a strange place (even if it is your home) or be 'on show' in a hotel. They may prefer to stay in what they consider to be their own home (you might view it as a care home, they may see it differently).

as others have said i'd chat to the carehome people. the ones in my mother's were incredibly lovely and sensitive and gave excellent advice

older people dont always want to leave their own comforts, especially if they have health issues. I wonder if some of the people answering on here have ever experienced close relatives who are at this stage in their lives

you sound a lovely caring family

laundryeverywhere · 10/12/2015 21:52

I agree that a long journey is very tiring for elderly people. My 90 year old Granny finds a long day out with family exhausting. A good care home will do a nice lunch for everyone in the dining room so it is a community event and some Carol singing or something so if she enjoys a visit with the family that may be enough for her.

Lolimax · 10/12/2015 21:55

I'm going to get really really flamed I suspect here and I understand everyone is an individual but the decision to go into a care home in the first place is never (or shouldn't be) taken lightly. They are not hotels. They are homes for vulnerable and often frail older people who can be looked after safely where there is routine, dignity and the things around them that they need and like.
So please think of their needs, not our guilt at Christmas. My own Dad ended his days in an EMI home. We could never have taken him out it would have been too distressing for all concerned, more importantly him. We visited often (I lived away) but it would never have occurred to me to take him out at Christmas. It took us 2 bloody years to get him in there.

scarlets · 10/12/2015 22:03

Poor lady. I'd be wary of ferrying her around on Christmas Day. She may find it very stressful.

Don't be guilt-tripped by "family is everything" hyperbole; the people who are saying that, won't be cleaning her up after she's soiled herself, or calming her down if she becomes fearful away from her familiar home. Be pragmatic and put her interests first rather than trying to create a textbook family Christmas because internet strangers are reminding you that she brought up your husband (as if you'd forgotten!) I think that you or DH should have a frank chat with her carer about what's best for her and go with that advice. Good luck, and Merry Christmas.

maryann1975 · 10/12/2015 22:38

I'm not trying to guilt trip anyone. The op asked what I would do in her situation. I am collecting my grandparents, driving an hour with them and then returning my nan back to her care home in the afternoon. Family is everything to my nan and even with dementia, she loves to see us all and spend time with us. She may spend most of the day asleep, but when she does wake up she tells us she is is glad we are there with her. Next year might be different. Her dementia may well have changed and worsened so she wouldnt be able to deal with visiting, but at the moment, we can all manage it.
In my experience of the people my nan lives with in her care home (specialist dementia unit) there seem to be so many variations of dementia it's very difficult for a stranger on the Internet to decide what would be best for another's family. My nan is quite happy for us to deal with any toilet issues, for us to feed her, hold her cup for her etc and is used to leaving the home a couple of times a week. I'm aware there are people in the home who haven't left for a couple of years but I have no idea at what stage the ops mil is at as ive never met her.
I wouldn't put my nan in a taxi. She wouldn't be used to that and I think would be scared and anxious about doing something she has not regularly always done. Getting in a car generally with family is something she does regularly and so isn't an issue to her.
But what is right for my family won't be right for anyone else's.

What I still don't like is that the op is more bothered about having a drink rather than her mil.

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