Help Please ~ Should I Do The "Right" Thing And Go To MILs On Christmas Day?

[Quootiepie]

Basically, DH and I were planning our first Christmas in our new house etc., with DS (had been to my mums the two years previous) but now FIL has died, DH wants to go to his mums on Christmas day for abit. Fair enough, but I really don't want to go. Everyone over there smokes, and ill be sat in a corner with DS choking on fumes for lord knows how long. And I really didn't want to go out an Christmas day anyway ~ I was planning spending most of the day relaxing, in PJs just playing with DS and opening presents, not rushing around and travelling 40 mins to MILs. I can't stand her either. On the other hand, maybe im being selfish? Maybe I should be thinking about her first... and DH.

I really can't decide...

I would go, it might be a laugh. At least next year you can say no it was rubbish never again etc.

This will probably sound harsh but I think you should go because your dh has been to your parents 2 years running so it would be mean to refuse to go to his, especially as it will be your mils first christmas on her own and your dh will need to be with her.

I understand the smoking thing though - could you or dh have a word with her and maybe ask her to go to another room for a fag while your there.

You don't have to stay all day though do you? how about just going for tea so you can still have Xmas dinner and Xmas morning on your own but go there later.

OR how about inviting mil to yours??

Sorry not much help am I

a laugh? What, laughing at them?

Im not exaggerating (sp?) when I say ill be shoved in a corner. Last time I went, I was stood in the kitchen for an hour while DH was off doing something.

Will MIL be on her own. If not, then could dh just go over for abit on his own in the evening? Can't bear my ILS either - only started looking forward to Christmas when I found out they were going away this year!

she can't drive, and is going across thew road to her sisters for Christmas dinner. She smokes outside, but leaves the door open and it's freezing and the smoke wafts in... but thinks its ok because she is outside. At her sisters, the house is usually packed with 10+ people, all smoking, inside and I could never tell them all to not smoke! The reason we spent last 2 years at my mums is I was banned from their house, and DH and I were living with my mum... To be honest, I just want to spend the day in my own home for once, but am having a moral dilemma about it!

MIL will be with 2 of her sisters, and various other characters ~ they all live in the same road, or very close.

Hi Quootie
If it's not far how about going round in the evening, taking pyjamas and getting DS ready for bed there. Then she can have a goodnight kiss from him and you HAVE to go because it's his bedtime. You can all open your pressies in front of everyone so you don't have to do thank you notes. You can relax all day beforehand and you won't have to clear up any mess.

Pants

General consensus is that I should go. She can't come here because she can't drive and is going to her sisters anyway. I didn't want to go morning because I really wanted to spend it in PJs opening presents, watching telly etc., midday I need to start dinner, then obviously have it... then DS needs to go to bed. If I do go, ill have to go to FILs grave, which is right next to all the babies and children I guess it is Christmas, and shouldn't put myself first.

Could dh go on his own and make your excuses or does he really want you to go?

Going to the grave would solve the smoking problem though - being out in the fresh air. You don't have to look at the other headstones see it as a nice walk in the fresh air.
at you being banned for 2 years!

DH isn't overly fussed. He might be abit miffed because it then means DS can't go. I can't avoid the headstones, They are right there in their own section, and just grass between FIL and them I get upset even when its not Christmas Really, the only reason id be going is so she can see DS I guess - she certainly doesn't want to see me!

But if you were 'banned' from her house for the last two years, she wasn't exactly thinking 'it is Christmas, I shouldn't be selfish'!! Couldn't you go round on Christmas Eve or invite her round on Boxing Day? Something along the lines of 'since you have plans for Christmas Day, perhaps you would like to come over to our new house on Boxing Day'. DH could pick her up. I always feel more relaxed on home turf when dealing with ILS.

Either way, DH will go, so she doesn't really need to come around. Im so undecided now! Guess ill see what DH says

You should go. No matter how much you dislike your MIL you must love your husband. You are putting him in the middle if you and DS don't go. He has gone to your parents two years running, this is the year for you to be unselfish. I understand about the smoking thing and I would have DH speak to MIL about that and he should put his foot down. My SIL always refuses to come to DH's house at Christmas and it really hurts my MIL feelings and it just means she comes off as a real bitch. You sound really nice and I am sure you don't want to be percieved this way.

Oh chicken, what a dilemna!

I've got MIL from hell. Have decided after 4 years of tooing and frooing with kids and prezzies and having a generally s*^t xmas, that we will be having it at home this year. My parents - fine by it. MIL - if looks could kill. We've been given cold shoulder for last 10 days (not that I'm counting - it's a relief to not have to talk to her to be honest!) Poor DH is in despair - just another chain of events in the long line of things we do to purposefully upset her - (her words not mine!)

I think you should really do what you WANT to do this Christmas. your DS will only be a DS for a few short years, and then it will all be gone. Trust your judgement and if you feel like spending the day at home so your DS can open his presents and actually PLAY with them, then do what's good for you.

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooont
Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
I could have written this thread,the only difference is that im working xmas day so this is my dilemma for Boxing day.
Why the hell should we go Quootiepie!

I have always spent christmas day at home with my DC. Boxing day was at my mums.
Your Mil won't be on her own christmas day so i think you should have your first christmas at home and agree to go on boxing day to hers!
See how DH feels about it too. Can he take DS with him? Then he won't be out long as he will have to bring DS back for bf! He could say you were feeling ill!!

Pelvicsnowmore - can I work with you?

Why do they always have to make it so difficult and not just respect our wishes - were they never mothers themselves?!?!?!

My MIL is currently refusing to see us at all on Xmas day - even though we invited her over for drinks any time she likes - also playing hard to get regarding boxing day - when we have also invited her round. I give up!

Of course you can Funkimummy
But you can cook the service users dinner lol!

Oh my god, where do you work? Listen, all my cooking is self-taught (very proud too) but not the best as DM was a rubbish cook and so was hers before her! Burnt crumble anyone?

ah, now im more confused. DS IS NOT going without me, shes a liability and I need to be there to make sure he's ok. Ill ask DH what I should do... he's in a good mood tonight

QP, don't go. I read your thread a while back. Let dh go if he wants. She sounds like a nutter, why the hell should you go somewhere you feel uncomfortable?? I won't do it anymore, you are worth more, no-body has the right to make you feel like shit. People only treat you the way you let yourself be treated..... so stand up for yourself now, don't let her ruin your Christmas!

Funkimummy-I work for a community based nhs service.

Why can't DH ensure that DS is ok?

I prefer to be there myself. I know what DH is like, he trusts his mum and will ask her to look after him and run off and do something. Besides, by the time he gets there, he will be nearly wanting a feed.