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Original poster

my mum just told me i was selfish, re: brothers present

37 replies

santasaltire · 07/12/2006 13:09

Just had the following convo with mum
Mum "What have you got DB2 for Christmas"
Me "An OOr Wullie book"
Mum "He'll like that, what else did you get him/"
Me "Nothing"
Mum "That's a bit selfish, that book is in Woolies for £4.99.DB1 has got him an MP3 player"

DB2 is a lazy selfish little git. He is supposed to be self employed but he just sits around moaning and moping, saying he's bored, depressed etc. he won't go and sign on because he would have to apply for jobs. Mum and step dad have to keep him. occasionally he does get jobs, for a week or two at a time. Anyway, he has bought my DH a pair of rugby socks which cost £2.99. he has bought SIL and i scarves from Primark which were £1.99 each , and has bought DB1 a book which was £2.99. I know Chrismtas isn't about receiving, but i always feel under so much pressure to give him big presents when i know that what he has given us comes out of my mum and step dads pockets as he has no money. i haven't had a card or present off him for 8 years on my birthday, neither has DH. Last year we got him a top, and some smellies for christmas, we got a big bar of chocolate!
I don't think i'm being selfish in any way, i just don't want to spend a lot of money on him, as i don't feel he deserves it

OP posts:
belgo · 07/12/2006 13:10

My brother and I have an arrangement not to get each other presents, maybe that would work for you too?

nutcracker · 07/12/2006 13:11

It's the thought that counts not the cost of the pressie IMO.

Tommy · 07/12/2006 13:12

how old are you all? (inc your Mum?)

Why is it her business what you buy for your brother if anything at all?

ouzzled by this one

danceswithreindeer · 07/12/2006 13:13

Tell your mum you'll buy him something else but obviously you won't then be able to afford a present for her Honestly, people go CRAZY around Christmas

Original poster
santasaltire · 07/12/2006 13:17

My DB2 is 30! We have always boguht rpesents, and buy for Dh's siter and brother as well, and they for us.
The reason she is so involved is because he is still at home, doing F* all, he mopes around etc. On Christmas day he will be expecting lots of presents, and if i just give him the book he will mope aound the house all day - nothing new then. I don't see why i should be pressured into getting him anything. Mum na dstep dad have bought him a £85 pair of boots, "in case he gets a job, he'll need them", then turns round to me and DB1 - we are only spending £5 on you two as we can't afford anything else

OP posts:
princessJINGLEmelS · 07/12/2006 13:18

...

hotmulledwinemama · 07/12/2006 13:20

This year myself,dsis and db aren't going to buy pressies for each other only the children. This was instigated by my dsis because we are sick of getting cheap tack from our SIL(db's wife) - when she wants spent loads on her.

This is making Christmas loads easier!

Original poster
santasaltire · 07/12/2006 13:23

I vould write a very long missive on my DB2, but it would take you a day to read it.
He winds me up because he upsets my mum, she is 61 and step dad is 64, they shouldn't have to have him at home, acting like a tantrumming child all the time.

OP posts:
santasweetdreamer · 07/12/2006 13:25

whats up with oor wullie?

i love him!

db should be grateful!

morningpaper · 07/12/2006 13:26

eh?

how do you know what he's bought you?

If I was your mother I would bang your heads together

Original poster
santasaltire · 07/12/2006 13:27

Oor Wullie is great, as are the Broons.
TBH i think he should just be bloody grateful he's getting anything.
I haven't got him a nice "brother" card though, just a normal one out of the packet. Haven't made up my mind if i'm going to get him an Uncle one yet. he will be expecting it you see.
Reading over what i've written i probably do sound like a selfish mare, but i'm not really, just very irritated by my mum, and DB2.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 07/12/2006 13:28

goodness me

can't the children make him a card? it takes 2 minutes and is free

Original poster
santasaltire · 07/12/2006 13:28

I know MP, i'm probably as bad as him. I know what he has bought me, because i was in the shop when she bought it.

OP posts:
GiraffeGotTheLastRoomInTheInn · 07/12/2006 13:36

So you are spending the same on him as she is spending on you? So what the hell can she possibly complain about?

GiraffeGotTheLastRoomInTheInn · 07/12/2006 13:36

So you are spending the same on him as she is spending on you? So what the hell can she possibly complain about?

TerrbileTwos · 07/12/2006 14:21

I think your mum needs to have a word with herself. why should you bend over backwards to please your DB2 when he only cares about pleasing himself.. is he by chance the youngest in the family?

Tell your mum that regardless of what she thinks he'll get the Oor Wullie and like it or you'll make him a map of how to get to the Job Centre with step by step instructions on How to apply for unemployment benefit. TT

NAB3 · 07/12/2006 14:23

It isn't meant to be about receiving but I am sure most of us would get fed up of receiving cheap gifts having spent out a decent amount. Considering the circumstances I would say a book is fine. You could always use the money you were going to spend on your mum, on your brother.....

JennyLeevesmilkandcookiesforSa · 07/12/2006 14:36

Know exactly what you mean , I have nearly the same situation but my brother is 21, I have got him a book fro 7.00 and still my mum wants us to give him money but I know he buys fags and hash with any money he gets so I don't want to, he also sits arund their house and lives off them and is nto even grateful to them and does nto sign on either, plus we are having a baaad time financially , you think a book would be good enough

knittingtinsel · 07/12/2006 14:56

how about giving him a voucher promising to spend time helping him with job applications or doing him a C.V.

giving your time up to help him is far from selfish.

he is "selfish", you are "fed-up".

LemonTart · 07/12/2006 15:00

My bil is very similar. Hardly ever remembers ours or the girls bdays - or occasionally will remember one and not the over (which is worse in my book). For Christmas he wants cash. Great. Caon?t even get away with finding a "bargain" - and my suggestion of cellotaping a pound coin inside his card did not go down well with my defensive DH

LemonTart · 07/12/2006 15:01

If you were to decide to spend more money on him either now or in the future, how about one of those Oxfam gifts of a tree or donation to a charity/adopt an animal type thing in his name. That way you are doing good and missing out the ungrateful "middleman"

dublindee · 07/12/2006 15:12

have no qualms about spending a small amount on him santasaltire, he sounds quite like my eldest brother. 40yr old, single, civil servant. He gets his evening meal at mums every evening (although there is a subsidised canteen in work), he goes on hols 4-5 times a year (supposedly),never buys christmas or birthday presents for the family (alcoholic - says he's sober but isn't) has only seen his 2nd nephew once and my DS twice. We have always made the effort to make Christmas special but this year I've decided after some of his actions this year towards both me and my parents that he will NOT be getting a present. He is allegedly going to Spain for the week anyway - so won't be around.

Original poster
santasaltire · 07/12/2006 15:28

terribletwos, yes he is the youngest! How did you guess.
knitting tinsel, you're right I am fed up, i'm the one who has my mum on the phone in tears because he has gone out and got really drunk and has come back and had a go at her for some reason. he is diabetic as well, and is always getting himself drunk (which is amazing for someone with no money) and forgetting his injection of insulin. However, when ever i say anything to him, i'm the wrong one because he then has another go at mum for "talking about him".
He keeps saying he's depressed, and bored,and in all honesty i think it's his excuse for everything. I had PND i know what depression can do to people, and he's not depressed, it's just a convienient thing for him to have. It gives him an excuse to behave like a git.
Sorry for ranting, my brother has this effect on me.

OP posts:
TerrbileTwos · 07/12/2006 15:33

mums have a habit of being defensive over the youngest in the family (i know cos i am the youngest in ours but not a 'lazy good for nothing' youngest sibling). Tell your mum that you appreciate her input but that its your hard earned money (emphasise the hard earned bit) that you are spending and as such should be your choice how to spend it.

TT

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve · 07/12/2006 15:37

Hmm, I know we are all supposed to feel that Christmas isn't about presents, and the cost of presents isn't important - but really, giving and receiving presents at Christmas is culturally important as a way of showing one another how much we love and value each other. It does tend to cut right to the heart of family dynamics, as Saltire's posts show. I would feel wounded and unappreciated in your position, Saltire - I would be upset that my mum had called me mean/sefish, and bloody annoyed that my brother had managed to take the lazy way out as usual. Whether we like it or not, family resentments and undercurrents do surface around things like present-giving - it doesn't mean that Saltire and her family are any more materialistic or shallow than the rest of us.

I don't know you or your family Saltire, so I don't know how possible it is to be blunt - but could you phone your mum, be pleasant but just tell her fairly straight that you felt hurt and insulted about being called selfish, and why you think it's unfair? I couldn't with my mother in a million years, that's one of the reasons we don't see one another any more.

I hope it doesn't ruin your Christmas, anyway.