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Original poster

quick poll - am I beign unreasonable regarding PIL and my children from prev relationship

33 replies

Kelly1978 · 29/11/2006 13:42

I'm a bit worried because dp's family look like they are going to totally spoil the dts - they are looking at things like a £300 ride on car (which we are desperately trying to talk them out of!) But the main problem is that our older two are mine from a prev relationship and tend to get left out. They got nothing for diwali, and mroe recently his fmaily bought advent calendars just for the dts. Am I right to feel miffed? dd is the oldest and is 6 and has begun to notice that they only ever buy boys toys and is feelign a bit left out. I am worried that she is going to be upset if the dts gets tons for xmas from them and nothing for her or ds1.

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edam · 29/11/2006 13:46

It's awkward isn't it? Maybe the PILs just haven't thought about this from the kids' point of view. I'd try to have a friendly chat with them about how difficult it is, with children from two different sides of the family, to make sure no-one feels left out. Guess the PILs might think they only need to buy for their own grandchildren but if they care about them, they won't want to cause upset between the siblings. Advent calendars are cheap, I don't see why they couldn't buy four of them. Doubt they'll invest in four £300 presents though!

dmo · 29/11/2006 13:47

thats a bit mean
maybe dont spend a lot of money on your dt's if they are getting alot from grandparents and spend the money on your older children to bump their pile up

WideWebWitch · 29/11/2006 13:49

Oh I feel for you. I have ds from previous marriage and dd from this marriage and fwiw, dh's parents always buy for both children, as does ex mil. But I am exceptionally lucky. I think your dh should talk to his parents and put them off the silly bike and point out that he's taken on 2 step children too. Easier said than done I know.

throckenholt · 29/11/2006 13:49

maybe ask them to limit actual presents to a certain value - and the rest goes into savings.

I am not sure you can ask them to buy for the ones who are not theirs (IYSWIM) - does your DD's have contact with her father's parents ?

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 29/11/2006 13:50

I've got a feelign that they will want to see the dts open their presents so it will be seperate from them openign their presents from us and the rest of the family and so I cna't really hide it.

I'm debating whether to have a word and suggest that they could give a token present to dd and ds1, but I can see their point of view that they are only really thinking of their grandchildren. Though I wouldn't jsut buy for the dts in their situation.

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QueenEagle · 29/11/2006 13:51

I ahve a problem like yours but the other way round. My ex-mil buys pressies for my 3 from my previous marriage (to her son) and nothing for my 2 youngest with new dh. I talked to her about it and this year she has spent about a tenner on each of the older 3 and £2 on each of the younger 2. I don't mind it's not much as she doesn't have much money to spare but I'm glad she buys a token something for them especially as dh's parents give the same for all 5 of them.

You need to talk to them and say you realise how awkward it might be for them but would they consider including them in presents etc...

Do they acknowledge their birthdays or is it a total snub?

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 29/11/2006 13:52

Not he older two have no contact with their father's side of the family.

I wonder if I need to try to explain to them why they treat the boys differently. I jsut don't really want to make a big thing of the divide in the family. dp regards them as his own, he has been around since ds1 was 6 months old.

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Original poster
Kelly1978 · 29/11/2006 13:53

qe, they sent cards for their bday, but only the dts got birthday presents.

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QueenEagle · 29/11/2006 13:53

Good point about their son taking on your kids - his parents should be prepared to take them on too. Otherwise imo they are being spiteful.

sunnysideup · 29/11/2006 14:02

I think your dp needs to have a chat with his parents and make it clear to them that his family includes ALL of you. He needs to make clear to them that the older ones get upset if things are bought only for the DTs. I think he needs to acknowledge their kindness in offering things to his children but it really is down to him to make clear that his family is all of them....

Do your older two have grandparents on your ex's side? If they do I can see that you might just have a window of opportunity to separate off the GP's, eg these are your GPs and they are the DTs.......

sunnysideup · 29/11/2006 14:04

sorry, cross posts re the contact with ex's family.

If your dp has been around since your ds1 was a baby then I totally think his parents really really ought to include your children as part of his family. Rude and a bit pointed not to...how do you get on with them? Do you think this is aimed at you at all?

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 29/11/2006 14:07

I get on ok with some of the family, but it is a mixed race relationship so has never been straightforward. They disaprove of me being white, but dote on the boys so put up with me!

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SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve · 29/11/2006 14:08

My stepfather's mother treated my mother with barely-concealed contempt and only ever spoke to us through gritted teeth, the miserable old bag. It was worst when my older siblings and I had left home and only two children were left at home, my little brother (mum's and stepdad's son) and my adopted little sister (who is disabled and looks asian, although she is actually South American). She would send presents/money for the little boy and pretend his sister didn't exist.

I have no time or sympathy for adults who do this. It's cruel and pathetic.

Bozza · 29/11/2006 14:09

I would never dream of doing this with children if I was in that position (eg if I had step neices/nephews). I'm not - all neat little nuclear families among our lot - but that is obviously just luck, and if things changed down the line I would include any other children. They are only young, they won't factor in cost so just something to unwrap is the main thing.

lemonaid · 29/11/2006 14:18

My parents treat my brother's DSD exactly the same as his DD, except where they are worried about stepping on the toes of her father (who is still very muxh involved in her life). I would have hoped that that was normal, but it sounds from this thread that maybe it isn't .

KimiTheChristmasCracker · 29/11/2006 14:19

New Dp has no children, i have 2 (and WONT be having any more) his mom and dad have been very good about the whole thing and have treated my children well, I think if he has chosen to be with you and your children then they need to except it, can he not speak to them about it

fruitful · 29/11/2006 14:37

The whole relationships thing aside - if my parents/ILs were thinking of spending £300 on a present for my kids, I'd be saying a firm no thanks! About a quarter of that, absolute max, and anything else in a savings account.

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 29/11/2006 17:30

I know fruitful, they jsut don't really listen. Dp is going to talk to them again.

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fruitful · 29/11/2006 20:51

Get him to say, if they buy it, he is going to sell it on ebay and buy presents for all of his children ...

paulaplumpbottom · 29/11/2006 21:06

I think that is a bit mean. When there is more than one child in a household they should all be given to equally no matter who they are. You are right to be upset.

paulaplumpbottom · 29/11/2006 21:06

I think that is a bit mean. When there is more than one child in a household they should all be given to equally no matter who they are. You are right to be upset.

Surfermum · 29/11/2006 21:12

I have a step-d and all my family - my parents, aunt, cousins, sisters - buy presents for her as well as dd. She's treated the same.

Dsd has siblings at home that aren't dh's and we've sent gifts home for them too, as have my parents, but dsd's mum won't accept them.

CountTo10LordsaLeaping · 29/11/2006 21:19

It is a horrible situation. My nan on my mums side is step rather than blood and she has always treated my mum and us differently to her daughter from first marriage and their kids. She's never remembered my birthday as its round her daughters and I've never had a present. When it comes to xmas its my grandad that does it all but you know and get to hear about all the wonderful stuff she went out and got for her side. Its always been horrible as its always been made clear to us in a really unsubtle way that she doesn't view us as her real grandchildren even though she's been with my grandad since my mum was about 6/7 years old!!! It must be especially hard when there is a split and an obvious difference in treatment between them. I would defo say that your dp should have a chat with his parents and explain how difficult it is as it will become more and more apparant to your older kids and that type of 'rejection' is really hard to deal with as a child as its so unwarranted and you can be made to feel like you're not good enough etc. Hope you manage to come to a compromise.

Bozza · 30/11/2006 09:08

Countto10 - that is horrible. How could you carry something on like that for so long - treat a little girl like that, and then a whole other generation. Just shows that kelly really needs to nip this in the bud now.

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 30/11/2006 10:56

that is really awful, it's hard to believe that someone can carry it on that long.

DP is going to have words, suggest some cheaper presents for the boys that we were going to buy, then we will spend the money on ds1 and dd instead to bump their pile up. And hopefully get them to buy a token present for dd and ds1. I didn't think he would agree to us spending less on the dts, as it doesn;'t really feel right, but fingers crossed!

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