Poll: My parents have just anounced they are coming to stay nearby for Christmas. To what extent would it be wrong to...

[FillyjonkthePumpkinEater]

...go away without telling them?

Seriously, my father likes to celebrate Christmas in an aggressive strop, and I am sick of mending door handles and plaster. Not a fab example for the kids really, either.

My mother likes to get Christmas out of the way early, so starts eating dinner around 10.00, on her own if need be. Then with that out of the way she is free to needle my dp and make dispraging comments about his family for the remainder of the day.

my brother retires to the bathroom with a 2 l bottle of diet coke and a copy of "Which Model Aeroplane" and stays there all day.

Alright, I am a cow, but I said I wanted a quiet family christmas this year, just the 4 of us. No rows. Just us having fun.

So they have rented a cottage a mile away and are just going to pop in for the day.

Am thinking Edinburgh is nice this time of year. Or I have a friend in Oban.

Scale 1-10. where 10 is very wrong and 1 is ah sod it, pls?

We always have a houseful for Christmas Day, and while it can be very hard work, emotionally as well as physically cooking for 12 - the dd's wouldn't have it any other way - family is what makes their Christmas and we have one less this year ad dh's gran died a few months ago, last year was her last with the dd's and I'm so glad that it was a happy one spent with the family.

It's one day of the year - not the rest of your life. Lay down the rules, do it your way in your house - oh and buy a large bottle of gin.

Truthfully I wouldn't bother having them there at all if they can't be more Christmassy at least for the sake of your children. I'd tell them exactly what I thought and say that if they can't manage it then not to come. I love Christmas and all the magic and love making it wonderfully for our children too, luckily my parents and in-laws are quite the same.

because it is christmas

and at christmas every grandparent has the right to see their grandchildren

pls note that this will be their 4th xmas with us.

and my 25 with them

They don't change. it would threaten them to their very core to sit in a candlelit room and sing carols.

plus my father's 3 o clock door smashing strop is always a nice highlight.

no alcohol

my dad is an ex alcoholic

alcohol makes him actually violent. i know this all too well.

so we can't really drink either.

Forgot to say that we had everyone here last year and will be again this year, should be 10-12 people coming and I can't wait; we also may have a newborn by then. We make it a point to stay at home now we have children and anyone is welcome to come to us for the day and dinner if they wish.

Filly, if you do have to have christmas with them, get them out of the house! I have to do this with my IL's; after lunch, go for a LONG and bracing walk somewhere! Countryside or beach nearby?

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Filly - dump them!

You are and your DH are grown ups who have the right to make your own christmas traditions, which don't involve sneering and violence.

I like the idea of your Dh phoning them and telling them he is planning a surprise for you. However, I think in the circumstances I might take a more direct approach and just tell them calmly why they won't be spending christmas day with you -not this year or any other year.

That way, since they are staying close to you, you still have the option of inviting them over for supper on Boxing Day - without having to endure the farce of Christmas day, or having to leave your own home!

Tell them that they;ve ruined every christmas you have ever spent with them - and you are not going to let them ever ruin another one! Your primary loyalty now is to your children and you won't let their behaviour get in the way of providing the christmas you choose for your family!

Or maybe invite loads of other people round to dilute them, as it were? Might have to be family though, if they're as bad as you say, so that they understand what they'll have to counteract, iyswim?

if it's causing you this much stress and it's still October then do go away, I didn't realise any of your family history when i posted.

Just go.

Change all your lightbulbs for low wattage before she gets there, she can switch them on and off with abandon and not ruin the atmosphere.

suspect my kids will be posting in 25 years

"my parents insist on desecending on us with handmade wooden toys wrapped in fairtrade paper and lighting candles and singing...we just want to watch big brother 4953. Should we tell them to bog off?"

ah, getting them out of the house, therein lies the problem. agree that would solve lots of problems. Now what do you recommend? Cattle prod? A very large spade? A remote controleed fire alarm (oh no, that wouldn't work, can see my dad "oh, only wimps and girls are scared of a bit of fire ")

have NO problem with lots of prople at xmas. did well i do, tbh, i like it quiet, but everyone is welcome so long as they show some bloody enthusiasm. Why come to me and tell me how much you hate christmas and how its a social construct and a means of class control and the rest if you frigging hate it? Stay at home and eat turkey twizzlers instead!

oh filly

it is hard isn't it, especially if you don't like confrontation.

If you want a compromise solution, could you volunteer to pop into their rented cottage for an hour or so with the kids? That way you can leave when you need to.

i'll tell you what its like, its like spending christmas with the grinch and homer simpson.

well Filly if you can't get THEM out then get yourselves out! At least you'll be out of the house when the 3pm tantrum happens!

foxinsocks is a genius, if they have a rented cottage then just go there! Then when they get unbearable you can leave...oh, the power....

Why not just invite them for tea on christmas day? Or invite yourselves to them for tea on Christmas day?

Explain that you wish for a quieter Christmas this year with just you dh and kids so that you can enjoy them whilst they are little without having to worry about looking after guests?

We had a tradition with my ex's parents who were very religious and puritanical. They disaproved of how we celebrated Christmas so I cooked lunch for my folks then we visited them at tea time. Worked well and kept everyone happy!

i do agree with posters who say a big family all aorund at christmas is nice BUT FFS their grandfather smashing up the place, their uncle locked in the bathroom and granny being grumpy is hardly the same as the picture most people are painting of jolly noisy loving families all gahtering around the table. I would never in a million years expose my dds to that , your children will grow up associating christmas as a frightening time if they wath grandpa being violent. my kids would be terrified if an adult did that in our house. You are the adult here and responsible for your children's emotional welfare - i would just say your sorry but hteir behaviour is not acceptable around your children and they cannot come at christmas ( tbh i am supprised you want them anywhere around your kids full stop) by the way if your mother hates christmas why does she out do you on the present buying ?? isn't that rather at odds with how you describe her ?

Have'nt read all the thread, but perhaps you could say to them you had already made plans (and started to buy for - as in a little turkey) a small family Christmas. But invite them round for tea, so your mother can eat her dinner when she likes. Your brother can spend all day in the cottage toilet and your dad can break handles there to!

At worst if they wont check up on you, you could say you have invited or been invited to friends for dinner

Good luck, we also have anoying parents but after 10 tortous (sp) years of Christmas with them SIL has invited themto her house so we are really looking forward to nice little family one, me, DH, DD and new bump!

hmmm

no

they will descend

here is the difficulty in a nutshell

if we are in cardiff, they will descend on us

they will descend early and stay late

they are imperveous to social niceties, hints, discussion, reasoning or logic. They do what the feck they want.

so the only way to avoid a long christmas with them is to go away and not tell them where.

hmmm

am veering between 1 and 10 atm.

"invited to friends for dinner "

they would come too! OMG! No! That would be beyond awful!

then I think you have 2 choices.

Choice 1 - you be the strong person you think you aren't and stand up to them. Tell them you've had enough, you want Xmas on your own - it will now be on your terms and those terms involve having Xmas on your own with your family and then perhaps a tea at their cottage (or whatever suits you).

Choice 2 - you do a runner and face the same problem every year!

Whatever you end up doing remember what you want out of all this, so many people get caught up trying to please everyone. In the end you normally end up pleasing no one and especially not your self.

Why do so many of us accept that Christmas is a time for stress and straining family relationships beyond breaking point. Its not what ever your religious or other belief it should be at least slightly enjoyable, even if it is a bit manic and a bit strassfull some of the time.

If they do end up coming to you, it has to be on your terms, tell them you want them not earlier than say 1pm, as that is when you will be ready. Might be difficult if they want to see kids opening presents, but they will have gran and grandads presents to open when they arrive and can give them their full attention.

My PIL like to come up to our room to watch kids open their stockings, a bit the first time sitting in bed with hair on end in my nightie with PIL perched on the end of my bed, bit more controlled now.

Anyway DO IT YOR WAY.

Edinburgh is so lovely at Christmas - all the twinkly lights along Princes St, the Christmas Fair with mulled wine stalls, big tree in Jenners.....come on up, you know you want to

I actually don't mind standing up to them. can't stand up to my dad, I am scared of him . and I suppose a difficulty is that I am scard of him cos of my childhood, but he is better now, ish, and is actually fairly good at the jovial grandad bit, at least in short bursts. don't want my kids needlessly scared of him cos I'm passing on my own fear. yes its his fault but they will be the losers from it.

but can lay it on the table with my mum. actually I have. I told her in september I didn't want him round this xmas. this is her idea of a compromise.

pls understand, if we are here, they will come round. we will have to hide in the bathroom. oh no my brother can pick locks.

god, this sounds like a wind up. they're not coming over well here. they're ok, but they do things their own way and ignore everyone else's needs, even when spelled out.