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Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

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Original poster

Present for a heartbroken couple

49 replies

Haarlemmer · 26/11/2014 09:28

My brother-in-law and his wife gave birth to a stillborn baby boy last week (at term) and we're all devastated for them. We are due to be with them/see them around Christmas and I would like to get them a special present. Can anyone give me some good ideas?

I've wondered whether to get a personalised Christmas decoration (a star perhaps) with the baby's name on, so that he won't be forgotten. Is this insensitive of me though? I will also try and find something just for the couple.

Thank you in advance.

OP posts:

elderflowerqueen · 26/11/2014 13:34

I think the decoration idea is a lovely one, and it's good that you acknowledge that they need time to grieve. It's also important that they feel those around them have not forgotten about the baby, so as others have mentioned, seeing the baby's name will help. They might not be ready to put the decoration on their tree this year, but I'm sure they will appreciate the sentiment and it will be included in years to come.

They are lucky to have someone like you thinking of them.

MsAspreyDiamonds · 26/11/2014 14:19

www.bliss.org.uk/get-involved/fundraise/preciousstarfunds/uk

Bliss, the premature and sick baby charity, have a legacy fund that fund raises in the memory of a baby.

Sands, the charity for still birth and neonatal deaths, may do a similar thing but I couldn't find anything on their website. I hope your relations are receiving adequate support from the appropriate agencies. It is such a horrendosus thing to lose a child but particularly a new born baby.

MsAspreyDiamonds · 26/11/2014 14:22

www.uk-sands.org/

Sorry I forgot to post the link for Sands.

TheFantasticMrsFox · 26/11/2014 14:39

I would second what others have said about the decoration being a thoughtful and personal gift. Particularly if you mention about opening it in private, as it's then clear that you have put a deal of thought into it.
As for a normal present, I really wouldn't know where to start (and I'm usually good at stuff like that) Personally (and I thankfully have no experience of a situation like this) I would hate a night away but cannot put my finger on why

BaroquePearl · 26/11/2014 14:50

MrsFox I hated it when people even suggested that we go away. We felt so lost, so out of synch with the rest of the world. It felt like people were trying to force our grieving process somehow. When we did finally go away, it was to a place we chose very carefully according to needs that we could only have articulated to each other. But again, everyone is different.

acharmofgoldfinches · 26/11/2014 15:09

I think it may be because the idea of going away somehow brings with it the idea that you'll feel differently/better about the loss if you're somewhere else, maybe that you'll even be distracted and "forget" about it for a bit...which of course you don't, you just take it with you.

Under other circumstances a night away would be a lovely present, but at the moment there's a good chance that all they will want to do is to stay home, somewhere that feels safe so they don't have to deal with the outside world for a while.

tortoisesarefab · 26/11/2014 15:23

I got a pendant with my ds's footprint on it, it was lovely. Another idea is maybe a personalised wooden memory box? I think a decoration is a lovely idea and I would not think it was too soon, I lost my Ds in October and received something similar.

Our family also all get a present for my Ds and give it to a charity (the ones where you buy an extra present) so that he is remembered and not left out

PesoPenguin · 26/11/2014 15:33

I don't have first hand experience (thank God) but I think your idea is lovely. Everyone whose story I've read on here or wherever says that it meant a lot to them to see/ hear their child remembered and talked about. If the baby was here you might have bought them their first decoration so it's like its still a present for the baby (sorry if that's badly articulated). I would not ask your Bil as I'm ayre he's just as upset as you sil, I'm but sure why people are suggesting that at all tbh.

Boysclothes · 26/11/2014 16:57

Present wise, other than the decoration (which sounds lovely) I think I would go for something like a really luxurious cashmere throw for the sofa. It's undemanding, a treat, and lovely to snuggle up in when they are feeling low.

Pikkewyn · 26/11/2014 20:46

I would go with the decoration - it hurts when people stop mentioning your baby, he was here, he was theirs and his name is one they will always want to hear. Wrap it separately, give it to them before or when it is just you and them and expect their to be tears.

Original poster

Haarlemmer · 01/12/2014 13:42

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply but a heartfelt thank you to everyone for your thoughts and ideas. It's been very moving to read so many of your responses.

Since it was my initial idea, and it feels right coming from DH and me, I think I will go ahead and commission a personalised ornament. My BIL and his wife are not ostentatious types but also are quite particular in their tastes, so I wouldn't dare buy anything like a memory box or photo frame, as I think they would prefer to buy that themselves. They are due to spend Christmas this year with BIL's in-laws, so hopefully I'm not putting too large a burden on BIL and his wife to do anything with the ornament this year.

If anyone knows of a simple, yet elegant star that I could get engraved, I'd be grateful for links. I'm not seeing much on etsy/not on the high street etc that really appeals. Thank you so much again.

OP posts:

MrsDeVere · 01/12/2014 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AugustRose · 01/12/2014 14:43

I think the decoration could be a good idea if it is not too 'christmassy'. I only 'did' christmas the first year our son died as I have other children but I didn't visit anyone else or send cards and any that came to us with merry or happy christmas on then went in the bin.

I thik quite a plain star with his name would be best and a card saying how much you are thinking of them and their baby.

Treats · 01/12/2014 15:40

"I think that is where people 'go wrong'. They are so worried about upsetting bereaved parents that they do nothing.
And the most upsetting thing of all (IMO) if to feel that our children have been forgotten or that they never mattered."

This. Precisely. Thank you MrsDeVere

jinglebitch · 01/12/2014 15:44

Try here [[http://www.thepotteryloft.co.uk/]] I got given a heart by someone who knows the women who run it for dd. I'd seen some of their stuff and thought it was a bit twee, but the heart with name printed in is really lovely, very understated. I bet if you let them know the situation they'd be extremely accommodating. I'm so sorry about your nephew.

Lifesalemon · 01/12/2014 17:32

Sorry I don't know how to link but Keepsake Kreations have a silver star that can be engraved.

cheesecheeseplease · 02/12/2014 11:06

GritStrength · 02/12/2014 11:15

www.gettingpersonal.co.uk/gifts/personalised-star-christmas-tree-topper.htm

How about something like this?

Inthedarkaboutfashion · 02/12/2014 11:21

How about naming an actual star and gifting them the certificate with the name on?

Inthedarkaboutfashion · 02/12/2014 11:22

www.gettingpersonal.co.uk/gifts/name-a-star-gift.htm

That is what I was thinking of. The star will be out every night if the year rather than just at Christmas IYSWIM.

RightyTightyLeftyLoosey · 02/12/2014 11:24

I dedicated a tree in local wood for my friends lost baby.

She was really emotional but very pleased, every year on his birthday we go and have a picnic in the wood and decorate a tree (unfortunately you cant pick a specific one) with flowers.

I don't know if that would be the sort of thing your BIL/SIL would like but she takes comfort in the thought that his memory his kept alive in something beautiful, strong and growing.

for your family.
I'm so sorry.

RightyTightyLeftyLoosey · 02/12/2014 11:25

Link: www.woodlandtrust.org.uk/donate/dedicate-a-tree/

spilttheteaagain · 02/12/2014 11:29

Absolutely agree with MrsDeVere, your friends are devastated because they have lost their baby, and they will be always thinking about this at this early stage, and if your gift or your words bring tears, they aren't tears of your making, they are the grief for their child.

My first DD was born still, significantly before term, and I personally would have loved the decoration because it was an acknowledgement of my baby, and there are very few tangible things you are left with when you lose a baby before birth.

Another idea is a personalised candle with their baby's name or an appropriate quote or phrase on it?

I would give either gift a little before Christmas so they don't open it on the day itself if they don't want to, but also so they had the option to display it on Christmas Day too IYSWIM?

I have one of these with my daughter's name, DOB and a short verse inscribed on and it's been on our tree every year since she was born. We then got a matching one with a christmas tree inside inscribed for her sister when we had our next baby, so they have one each and that is special to me.

THoughts with your friends.

girlylala · 02/12/2014 11:30

I'm sorry for your families loss. My friend had a baby and sadly he passed away. Someone made her a teddy bear that weighed exactly the same as he did at that sad moment. I don't know if that would be a thoughtful gift or just upset them. Just an idea for you.

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