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Original poster

If you are a SAHP...

47 replies

curiousgeorgie · 27/10/2014 12:39

Do you buy your DH / DW a Christmas present?

Every other year I've had my own money. This year I don't and feel quite rubbish about it.

Essentially he'll just be buying his own present?

He's lovely and never asks me what I'm spending but he is obsessive about his finances so will always know where I've spent money and how much.

I know he wants a PS4 but it's a bit difficult to spend £300 plus without him noticing!

What do you do?

OP posts:
sesamstrasse · 27/10/2014 12:44

Couldn't you tell him you want to buy him something nice so you're going to take the cash out (untraceable so he can't guess) and then just do it, as it is your money too, but then he is still made aware that's where the money's going?

sesamstrasse · 27/10/2014 12:46

Obviously as long as whatever amount you spend would be affordable for you x

MrsPear · 27/10/2014 12:54

Unless he earns mega bucks then you should have money - i have child tax credit and child benefit. I use that for his b day present and Christmas

lunar1 · 27/10/2014 12:59

I am a sahm, we have an account that £100 per month goes into specifically for Christmas. I don't think you should see it as him paying for his own present. Could your dh earn what he earns if you weren't at home with the children?

My dh couldn't, his career would have to be very different if we both worked, and the cost of child care for the house would be through the roof.

Mumto3dc · 27/10/2014 12:59

He can only work and be a parent, without spending ££££££££ on childcare, because you are looking after his (and your) dc.
So how is it you don't view the family income as yours as well as his?

Sorry but this attitude makes meConfusedConfusedConfusedConfused grrrrrrr!!!!

Anyway, to answer yr question!!! I am a sahp and I do buy dh presents, but we only really buy each other small token presents. But neither of us view the income from his paid employment as "his" money.

TychosNose · 27/10/2014 13:01

We agree on a budget and I get that amount of cash to buy the pressies.

We're a bit poor so we spend £20 per family member so I get £60 to buy dh, dd and ds presents. Dh gets £20 to spend on me.

temporaryusername · 27/10/2014 13:04

You are contributing though. How much would your DH have to pay someone to do everything you do while he is at work in terms of the house/childcare? If he was a SAHP enabling you to go out to work without paying for childcare I'm sure you would recognise his role in that. So he may not see it as buying himself a gift. You've agreed on the current arrangement re family funds.

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 27/10/2014 13:22

MrsPear I don't get any child benefit or tax credits unfortunately...

Maybe I'll just take the money out and cash and see if he says anything!

OP posts:
VampiresLoveNECKtarines · 27/10/2014 18:10

I'd spoil him rotten instead!!! Breakfast in bed + control of the TV remote + sex = A jolly good Xmas :)

Vivacia · 27/10/2014 19:04

Do you mean you don't have any spending money of your own?

Nocturne123 · 27/10/2014 19:14

Any money dh brings in is just our money . We don't have any separate finances

Though to be fair neither of us are meticulous at checking bank statements so it's quite easy to buy wee surprises

Fairylea · 27/10/2014 19:17

I am a sahm, still have my own money. We have a joint household account where all bills and money in goes in and out of and we transfer a set amount to each of our own spending accounts to spend as we wish. Both have equal spending money. We budget a set amount for Christmas and buy each other something from this. Could you try that sort of set up? I'd hate someone being aware of every little thing I spent money on.

ilovepowerhoop · 27/10/2014 19:20

dh always knows what he is getting as he tells me the games he wants in advance! He doesnt monitor what I spend really. I recently set up a standing order from the joint account to my sole account and can also spend from that one without him knowing what I am buying. (he knows about the standing order)

Itsfab · 27/10/2014 19:20

Of course I do. It is our money and it doesn't feel like he is buying his own present as he doesn't treat me like staff.

I have an allowance so can manage my own money as that works better for us.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 27/10/2014 19:21

We have a joint account (both work FT) and I just buy dhs gifts out of that, as does he. We dont scrutinise the statements around this time of year Grin so we dont get any surprises.

Marmiteandjamislush · 27/10/2014 19:24

I'm mostly a SAHP, (what I earn goes into the general kitty as does DH's money) as I work ad hoc, DH pays an allowance into my current account along with Housekeeping. The rule is once it is in my account it is mine, so if I can make savings on HK for a few weeks it gives me extra for DH Christmas gift.

Oneandahalfboys · 27/10/2014 20:16

I'm a sahm and have total control of the household finances ( I'm just better with moneySmile) and put aside a small amount every week to cover the cost of Christmas. I buy myself a small something from the kids, last year I had my nose pierced, this year I've got smellies. But I get DH a proper present, last year was a PS4 and this year will be some new clothes. I think he deserves a good present because he's goes out to work every day and doesn't moan about it. And I'm not that bothered about myself because I know I'll get presents from family and I'd rather fill the house with toys than stuff for me.

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 27/10/2014 20:38

I don't have 'my own' money as such. But we have an account I have a card for that I just use for whatever I like... But he would definitely notice a random three hundred and something pounds disappearing for no apparent reason.

I will just take the money out in cash though, maybe in 3 different chunks, then it won't be so obvious.

It's not that I can't have the money, it's that I want it to be a surprise, and feel a bit bad that technically I'm just buying him a present with money he earns.

OP posts:
MisForMumNotMaid · 27/10/2014 20:44

£40 a week cash back when doing your weekly shop would cover it.

We generally agree a sort of budget for a gift. Usually about £20 so slightly different league, but then try to get something as imaginative as possible that the other person will like or lots of little things to make a stocking.

BettyFocker · 27/10/2014 22:00

I'm a SAHP for the first time this year. DP's wages get paid into his account. Every payday he transfers money to my account (we're left with the same amount of spending money after he's paid all the bills) and I use that as I wish. So "technically" it'll be his money paying for his Christmas presents, but we see it was our money and it's never referred to as his money. And he wouldn't see it that way.

veryhungry · 27/10/2014 23:52

We have a similar setup, we have an account which is just for my spends but DH does have access to statements...but he is quite lax with monitoring it so he'd never notice or care much if a few hundred was spent. He never quizzes me about any spending, the only comment he makes if I've made a big purchase is that he'll need to remind himself to transfer more cash over so I don't go short. If I was bothered about things being a surprise I'd probably withdraw the cash, but generally I don't mind, we're not fixated on things being surprises (in fact we've emailed gift suggestions to each other, which I suppose is odd when you think about it because they are small value things we could easily get for ourselves...).

I don't feel any guilt about where the money comes from, all money is simply 'ours' once it reaches the household accounts (in whichever name). Both of us see things that way. He's always pleased with whatever I get him, not because I've spent that money on him but for the thought/effort it takes.

The only worry I'd have about buying an item like a PS4 as a surprise is that it's the sort of thing that DH could/would buy himself if he wanted one, so we might end up with 2!

SmileAndNod · 28/10/2014 08:13

I'm a SAHM and I struggle with this too as I don't have any money off my own (unless I can manage to sell on eBay, or birthday gift money etc). I just don't buy presents for DH. We do get CB, but I feel that's not my money to spend - that is for the children.

I do worry about it a little but I would struggle to find work now (child care issues, PND and lack of confidence mainly), and I wouldn't be able to go back to my previous career anyway. Christmas is only one day so I try not to stress about it too much

Boomtownsurprise · 28/10/2014 08:18

Don't get this sorry. Why not just say how much we spending on us this year? 100? 200? 600? What do you want? Then he says Id like x so thats 200 (say) and you say ok then I'll take 350 so I can get you a few bits you don't know about. Our budget this year is about 150 for us both, but it's been better before and hopefully will be in future.

It's the family money. It's irrelevant who was paid it! You really should talk about money. You're together, maybe have kids. Money shouldn't (but often is) taboo. Don't fall into that sahp trap. It never seems to end well on the relationship board...,

Happy Christmas Smile

WeirdCatLady · 28/10/2014 08:20

I'm a sahm now and ever since we first moved in together all money has been joint, regardless of who earns it. We are a team.
It's easy for me to spend money without him knowing as I handle all the finances. When it comes to my birthday etc I just don't check the bank statements too much for a couple of weeks so I can preserve some semblance of surprise.
Remember that it's only fair if the same amount is spent on yourself too x

andsmile · 28/10/2014 08:26

We are exactly the same as bettyfocker its all clear cut each has their own money

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