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Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

Original poster

What do you buy for an 86 year old with terminal cancer?

36 replies

PTFsWife · 12/12/2013 06:50

My lovely MIL has terminal cancer. This is likely her last Christmas with any quality of life, if not her last ever. But I am so stuck as to what to buy for her (it is also her birthday on Christmas day). We normally get her a calendar with pictures of our kids for each month. But somehow buying a calendar for someone who doesn't know how long they will be alive seems macabre. We have got her tickets to a theatre show that my DH will take her to. But any other ideas?

OP posts:
LaTrucha · 12/12/2013 06:59

When my Dad was in this situation I got a film he liked and hadn't seen for years and watched it with him on Christmas Day, some music and somehting nice to eat. Sorry you're facing this.

LaTrucha · 12/12/2013 06:59

Oh, something really warm and luxurious might be good. Dad was freezing all the time when he was sick.

lolalotta · 12/12/2013 06:59

Handmade chocolates?

msmiggins · 12/12/2013 07:01

Some bird feeding equipment? Does she have a bit of garden? Lovely to watch the birds feed while having a cuppa( one of my favourites pastimes too!)

chimchar · 12/12/2013 07:02

how about a lovely soft blanket, or shawl, or socks etc that will keep her cosy while sitting around, or some soft, posh pyjamas that she can wear when she has visitors...

the film is a lovely idea.

or a posh china cup and nice tea and biscuits or something that she likes to drink?

sorry if they are not appropriate gifts, and I'm sorry you are having to go through this. x

3bunnies · 12/12/2013 07:11

I am getting my mother a book with old photos of the town she grew up in. She is becoming forgetful but often talks about it. I wonder if something similar might be appreciated by your MIL. Maybe photo book scanned with old photos from when your dh was young. Often people like to reminisce as a way of finding closure.

dumdedah · 12/12/2013 08:35

If you know what kinds of books she likes to read, you could get some books on cd. Some nicely packaged classics perhaps.

dumdedah · 12/12/2013 08:36

Or a digital photo frame with pictures of the kids and family on it (same sentiments as calendar, but without it being potentially upsetting)

Ghostsdonttalk · 12/12/2013 08:43

What about a photo book of photos of her and the kids doing things together over the years.

I second the bird feeder idea too.

A birthday cake for Christmas day? My dads birthday is Christmas eve, he is 82 this year and he loves to celebrate his birthday AND Christmas!

I haven't been in ths situation but be careful about gifts that suggest this is your last Christmas as she will still be on a journey to accepting this.

So sorry you are going through this. Macmillan provide support to families going through this. You can phone them to talk through your feelings, they are fantastic at knowing all the little things you can do to show you care.

Original poster
PTFsWife · 12/12/2013 08:58

Thank you for all the brilliant suggestions x

OP posts:
atlastimstressfree · 12/12/2013 09:07

MIL is bed bound with late stage Parkinsons. She has a team of carers who come round 4 times a day to change her pads, wash her etc.

Some days she is lucid other times she is in a different world.

FIL buys her Chanel No 5 (well i go to Boots for it). He/She wants to make sure she smells nice if people come round. She has the eau de parfum and the body lotion.

We try to help her maintain her dignity, she hates the thought that she might smell. She is bed bound and has to wait for the carers before her pad can be change.

I hope you find something, its so hard, i also hope you can make it a memorable christmas.

Notawordfromtheladybird · 12/12/2013 19:47

Third a bird feeder (plus seeds). Got this for my FIL last christmas, along with a couple of photography books on birds. When he wasn't feeling strong, he'd do a lot of sitting and watching the wildlife in the garden.

Misty9 · 12/12/2013 19:50

When my grandma was in end stage cancer earlier this year we got her a digital photo frame and all sent pictures of the grandchildren/great gc for her to look at from bed.

Babanouche · 12/12/2013 19:53

I'm sorry, this is sad. What about a memory book/box that you've made up of photographs, films she likes, old theatre programmes if she was into that sort of thing...CDs of music she enjoys. I don't know if she can travel or not but maybe a daytrip to her favourite seaside resort or similar. But I bet the best thing you could give her is lots and lots of your time.

EustaciaVye · 12/12/2013 19:59

One of those ghastly fluorescent bean bag pillows. Grin It will be a source of amusement but will be invaluable in helping them get comfortable at a time when it is very difficult to do so.

EustaciaVye · 12/12/2013 20:01

And a luxury warm blanket

mumeeee · 12/12/2013 20:01

Sorry to hear that OP. My Father passed away a couple of weeks ago he had cancer. His birthday was at the beginning of the month and I got him a nice warm jumper as he was always cold. He was also bought a light soft but warm duvet that was.

Helpyourself · 12/12/2013 20:03

Don't not get the calendar if you usually do.
Sad

SammyandBilly · 12/12/2013 20:05

My Nan is very ill and in her 90s, I have bought her an M&S bed jacket and a lovely big photo in a frame of all of us together. I got the biggest photo and frame that I could get so she should be able to see it, her sight is rapidly failing.

lade · 12/12/2013 20:05

I had this dilemma, so made up a book of old photographs for her, of her / her parents, sisters, children etc right up to today. It was lovely and my nan would have loved it, but unfortunately, she passed away on Monday, so didn't get chance to enjoy it. However, it is proving to be a comfort for my mum and grandad now that she has gone.

LineRunner · 12/12/2013 20:10

I was going to say what Helpyourself said. If you normally do a calendar, I would do a calendar.

Along with some of the other good ideas here.

FreshWest · 12/12/2013 20:22

We bought something like this for my mil when she had terminal cancer. She would use it over her stomach or sometimes to sit on as this is where she was most in pain (bowel cancer) and as pp have said, was often cold.
In some ways as has been said it might be worse not to get the calendar if you always get one, as she will be reminded that she won't live as she hasn't got the calendar. I hope that makes sense. Don't wish to be insensitive. It's a horrible thing.

HerrenaHarridan · 12/12/2013 22:43

Am electric over blanket. As many pps have said she will be feeling the cold.

An ENORMOUS box of lovely chocolates

If the calendar is already a tradition then I would say still do it but I would start it

meeeemo · 12/12/2013 22:59

i think something warm comfortable and cozy. i thought the electric photo frame was a lovely idea.

LIttleMissTickles · 13/12/2013 03:39

I bought my GM a beautiful pot of Chanel body lotion. She was so happy, I felt embarrassed. So sorry you're going through this PTF.