Sorry,long way of but, I would like to know who you spend Christmas day with?

[rainclouds]

I never spend Christmas with my family,have always spent whilst in my mid 20's with my best friend,my parents dont really celebrate they are not religious,just lazy.

I have my own family now have done for many years ,Mil like's to see both her sons every year even though they are grown up with families of their own,which I appreciate but it leaves me feeling restricted as she expects to see them on Christmas day.

I dont get on with sil and its tense at any social gatherings ,Christmas is even worse im gritting my teeth every year,she will compare the childrens presents,and the kids argue she get's shitty and I have to bite my tongue to the point I hate christmas or any social function.

Sil alternates with dinner with her mum and mil,last year we all had tea together and the granchildren opened presents whilst she barely talked and I felt it was a awful atmosphere.

This year I want mil to go there for dinner or us and alternate tea between us both,how do I get dp on my side and aibu?.

What would you do ?

And what do you do on Christmas day?

We have Christmas day at home - just the three of us. I have had lots of ups and down with MIL, and DH isn't overly keen on my parents so rather than wrangle over who we spend it with, we spend it with no-one else.

TBH it makes me a bit but I'd rather do it that way than have endless rows and aggro which has happened on several previous occasions. I end up being ill with the stress of trying to keep everyone happy every year so it's generally a bit of a write off as far as I'm concerned.

I spend christmas day with my family - this is my husband and our children.

sometimes relatives come over for a meal, eg my parents, my sister and her family, my husband's brother and his family.

My parents normally pop over in the morning to see the children's presents.

We do what makes us happy. If we want to invite people, we do.

In answer to your question 'what would you do', it's that. What we want!

We have contended with difficult family members on many an occasion over the years but not Christmas Day. That's just for us.

DH, the children and me. Occasionally, we'll extend an invitation to someone else if we particularly like them. In fact, it's the only day of the year we allow "the pop in".

Having said that, it's a bit of a take us as you find us - if we know we're expecting people we get dressed up nicely. If not, Christmas Day is a jarmy day in our house!

I think our plans can also be summed up as 'we do what we want'.

And nothing more.

I go away, far away lol somewhere hot and sunny !! me, my DS and anyone else who fancies coming along!!

After a horrible Christmas at SILs last year this year I have already put my foot down and declared that we are having our own Christmas just me, DH and DS who will be 1.2

I love Christmas at my parents, don't mind Christmas with PIL if SIL not there but cannot face another with SIL so starting new us only tradition for Christmas day itself.

Ugh - I hate the annual wrangling over Xmas.

Left to our own devices, we'd just be at home every year and stuff everyone. My family totally accept this - the families with kids have always been the hosts and everyone else has gone wherever there was room.

MIL is obsessed with hosting generally but especially Xmas. For the last two years, we've put our foot down and stayed home. This year, we're waiting to see what BIL & SIL do as it's their forst Xmas with baby and in their own home so they may want to stay at home themselves this year. In that case, they can be the bad guys this year! If they agree to go to MIL's this year, we'll go to and then she can stop whining for the next two years!

I had a mil who thought she should be treated like a queen therefore she never had a christmas in her own home but dh from large family so only had her every 6 yrs,since her and dh dying have it on my own(don't feel sad) great choccies bottle of vino and a take away in the evening all with the telly to myself heaven

YABU whatever the question was because you mentioned Chr in June.

We usually alternate between ILs and home. If we're home then I invite my family.

Well, that's the idea.

However, I think in 6 Christmases, DH and I have spent 1 (maybe 2) at home, and one of those was DD's first Christmas.

I have said I'm not going to the ILs (again) this year and would in fact like to stop going for Christmas, but am happy to go up for New Year. With 2 children it's going to be a complete bloody faff traipsing all the stuff from Santa and us up to their house, and then have to bring it all bloody back along with the mountain of gifts from the ILs and relatives up there.

I'd like to set our own traditions as well, rather than doing things their way every year. Don't get me wrong, we have an absolutely brilliant time and it's good fun, but I want to do Christmas my way - not theirs! New Year I'm not fussed about, and if we're at home then it ends up just me and DH anyway, much nicer to go up there for a party!

I used to go home to my parents but it's a thoroughly miserable time and I went out of tradition and obligation.

When work got in the way and I couldn't travel the 100 miles back home I'd end up going to a closer relatives or friends for the day. It was nice but I did always feel like I was intruding a bit.

Now I have a DP and home of my own we have Christmas at our house. Pop round to his parents in the morning to say hello and drop off pressies then come home and spend the day together. We discussed alternating between parents homes and our home but honestly, my parents are still as miserable as ever and I'd prefer Christmas to be our own, so that's what we do.

DD and I always spend it with my mum, stepdad and my cousin at my parents house. We stay over Xmas Eve night until the day after Boxing Day as the rest of our family come over on Boxing Day for a party. DP spends Xmas with his mates as he's not big on Xmas and families, plus he doesn't really get on with my parents. Such is life, until we decide to live together and do it our own way.

Aarrgghh - there is a Christmas topic, you know.

Which the sane ones amongst us hide.

Minty and eurochick, normally I hate Xmas threads too - but the OP finds this very distressing - it's really about her feelings in her family, and not Xmas.

Ok thanks for the pre christmas cheer ho ho Minty and Eurochick, but yes Hyperhyperbole your right,its is about my feelings.

And not so much Christmas itself but interested in how others feel about Christmas, and generally wanting to know how others feel about the day and who they spend it with.

We spend it at home. In the past I have gone to my mum and dads or had everyone here for lunch , but it is too much work for the person hosting, as there are so many of us.

A couple of years ago we started having lunch in our own homes, then my parents and siblings and mil and her partner come over to mine in the afternoon.

I would prefer to go to someone else's house in the afternoon if I'm honest, but that would involve taking one set of IL's to another set of IL's. Still, my kids are happy - they love having all their family around. I would be quite happy to spend Christmas just me, dh and the dc, but it would mortally wound all our relatives, so I think our current arrangement is the best solution.

hyper is right, this is a problem all year long that gets even worse at Christmas. If SIL was a reasonable person they would all get on well enough by being courteous and at the least civil, even if they didn't like each other.

What amazes me is that the ILS are prepared to ignore her behaviour at their home even though it causes such problems. I guess they won't tell their son to sort out his partner and kids in case they cause an even bigger rift and SIL issues an ultimatum where she cuts them out of their life.

As a child, it was very unusual to spend Christmas day with anyone else, Dad often had to work even part of the day (nurse). It was just me Mum and Dad. Now DH and I enjoy Christmas day by ourselves, except last year when friends popped in for sherry late morning. They normally spent Christmas at other relatives but wanted not to have to drive anywhere that year and to have a relaxing day. TBH, most of our relatives are dead or very old and live too far away, and the others are busy with their own kids and grandkids so we could be considered lucky not to have to commit to anything. I loved having elderly FIL to stay even though we had to do a 6 hr round trip to fetch him the weekend before Christmas and take him home again sometimes 10 days later! It broke my heart the first Christmas without him and having to support DH.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh I'l let you in on a secret. You don't HAVE to do anything.

I'm an atheist and feel it is hypocritical to celebrate so I don't. Last year Xmas dinner was kofta kebab and chips delivered from the local take away.

But I know I'm not typical, most people do want to see family.

I think the best plan is to alternate, one year with ILs the other home alone with your family. As SIL is alternating just fot with her pattern, so if she is at her parents you go to PILs, otherwise you stay home. That way PILs always have one set of grandchildren.

DH can call in on the morning if it is not too far if he wants to see them.

It sounds as though SIL is the main problem. I would stop inviting her, it's not as though she would be on her own, she has her own family.
Have a year at your own house with no relatives on xmas day and see them before or afterwards. Open the presents when you want.
What we do for xmas varies every year as we both have kids from previous marriages and we both have to arrange time off around xmas with work and my relatives are over 7 hours drive away.
We arrange things primarily aound any kids we have with us that particular year. Usually we are at home but sometimes we'll stay with relatives if we have enough time off work.
No set pattern or expectation of a pattern from relatives which helps.

We spend it at my parents every year. Never had a christmas at ILs. Even when I had to work xmas day, dh still went to mine. They just throw a better celebration!

Three courses round the table, crackers, plenty of wine, games. At ILs its a pork dinner on your lap in front of the telly batting the cats away.

My family is scattered across the earth so every other year we all make the trek to my parents house. It's a fun family xmas, my girls get to see their only cousin and I love it. My family all love DH and he likes them so no problem there. It doesn't hurt that they live in a very nice part of the world!

My SIL (brothers wife) who hates us all simply doesn't come. My brother & nephew come the day after xmas. We talk to her on the phone, send presents (as she does) and everything is very cordial. BUT she does not have to spend several days pretending she's not miserable and we don't have to tiptoe around her. If her DS didn't get along with my DDs, she simply wouldn't let him come. This is what I would do if I were you. Tell your DH he can go over to the ILs and you stay at home with the kids and play with all the new toys. See MIL & PIL another time.

When we first married, we spent 2 years of having 2 dinners (our parents live 15 miles apart only and we live 160 miles from them - PIL eat midday while my parents eat 9pm ish). After that, we stayed in our house for 1 year and decided to alternate every second year "down home" but only eating in 1 (and staying in seperate accoms so we had a "retreat"!). That worked for 3 years (our home, PIL as was 1st year BIL was married so lonely, our home) then I was pg and EDD was Xmas Day!! So we ate in my grandparent's house with my Dad's siblings and extended family (only 5 miles from us here). I ended up going effectively from there to hospital via home to change from nice clothes, as DD arrived at 6am next morning.

The following year we stayed here, then we went down again (and had a nightmare of Mum not understanding that a 2 yr old needs food before 9pm and sleep!!). So we haven't actually gone again for Christmas Day. (We do still go some years on Stephen's morning for DD's birthday - but not last year as it happens).

Whe we stay up for the Day, we used to go to whatever mass my Uncle was celebrating (priest) and meet most of that side of the very extended family on my Dad's side there (he's recently gone to Rome so we went locally last year). Depending on logistics, either onwards to see my Grandparents (Dad's side) as they/now Gran are gone beyond going out to mass and one DChild stays with them - becomes a gathering for extended family there anyway (always has been). And then on to see DH's aunt who lives near us (or aunt first then my lot). Home to put turkey into the oven and light fire. Then back out to visit my aunt on Mum's side, where Gran goes for Christmas Day (or until the Christmas just gone anyway, probably won't be able to anymore) and that wider family.

Then finally home to check turkey, put potatoes on, open wine and fizzy drinks, and start opening presents, just the 3 of us (DH, DD and I). It's nice to settle down into the peace at that stage

YABU to talk about Christmas now.
Sorry

Just myself and my DS. He doesn't know Christmas exists so we have no tree, no dinner. Just another boring school holiday.