Sorry,long way of but, I would like to know who you spend Christmas day with?

[rainclouds]

I never spend Christmas with my family,have always spent whilst in my mid 20's with my best friend,my parents dont really celebrate they are not religious,just lazy.

I have my own family now have done for many years ,Mil like's to see both her sons every year even though they are grown up with families of their own,which I appreciate but it leaves me feeling restricted as she expects to see them on Christmas day.

I dont get on with sil and its tense at any social gatherings ,Christmas is even worse im gritting my teeth every year,she will compare the childrens presents,and the kids argue she get's shitty and I have to bite my tongue to the point I hate christmas or any social function.

Sil alternates with dinner with her mum and mil,last year we all had tea together and the granchildren opened presents whilst she barely talked and I felt it was a awful atmosphere.

This year I want mil to go there for dinner or us and alternate tea between us both,how do I get dp on my side and aibu?.

What would you do ?

And what do you do on Christmas day?

I think all adults are completely entitled to say "actually, we want to start our own traditions in our own homes and we want to start that now". I hope to God none of my DCs or DILs feel obligated to spend Christmas with me - part of becoming a grown up is having that freedom to do your own thing.

DH had only ever spent Christmas with his parents when we got together - but as I already had my older DCs, and their father and I split the day, it wasn't that straightforward anymore. It was easier to invite the ILs to come to us, and that gives you way more freedom to have the sort of day you want.

we spend every xmas day at home on our own with dcs. we open presents in pjs, eat dinner when it suits us, drink when it suits us, kids nap when they want, no stress.
we normally see my parents xmas eve and dps parents boxing day, other family week before and after.
would hate to have to rush around.

Ladyintheradiator thank you about the advice about sil ,I could try that idea you could of wrote the same story as me to the finest detail,although sil does not like my son a jealously thinkg trust me,but then its up to themand I am still doing the nice thing.

Hassled I think you have said the same as Ladyintherad,thank you , I will invite them to us and its up to them then what they decide as said to Lintrad ,great plan thanks again ,when do I suggest to them ?.

"how do I get dp on my side and aibu?."
Talk to him, and YANBU.
Ask him how he would like to spend Christmas Day. If he says 'as we do now', ask him why, what is it that he enjoys? Get him thinking about it. Suggest, as Hassled says, that it's time to start your own traditions. That it would be nice to have it in your own home, maybe invite his parents. Or maybe just you two and the kids on the day, invite family for Boxing Day. Get talking about the alternatives. He may well just be going with the flow right now. Have you told him you don't enjot the current arrangement and why?

"the fout of them get together he gts angry take sthe oldest out of the room,thats hwen the silent treatment starts,I hate it."
Not really following this. Which four? Who gets angry? Who gets taken out of the room, and why?

I'm glad there's a thread about this... I am starting to fret about it already.

We usually have xmas lunch with my family and tea with DH's family. It's manic and we don't enjoy any of it. So this year we are having xmas at home and going up on boxing day, I can't wait. We are having duck and picky bits all day, no big meals, no stress and we can have a lovely bottle of wine without DH having to drive (us and his sister [hmmm] around.

I am so excited about it. The families are choosing to ignore that is what is happening so far and are already talking about where we'll be staying but the foot is down and we will not be changing our minds. Also DD will be 2.7 then and we are using the 'Christmas is about children and it's not fair on her to have to leave her lovely new toys to sit in a car for 2 hours'.

just looked at Butlins... Nearly £1k for 4 of us!!!

Just us. I would love to spend Christmas with my Mum and Dad but both are dead.

Although not strictly true, as they are still with me (not the dead bit as that is true). I lovingly have their ashes in our bedroom.

:):)

Whereyouleftit, I will explain,last year sil wanted to know if mil had spent equal amounts on the four gc and she made it obvoius and asked outright.

I asked mil if she wanted a drink and felt bad because I felt everyone was judging me, I really wanted to relax enjoy my day,plus I was stressed as it always is any social occasion.

Fil took my ds out of the room becuase he gets picked on all the time by sil he is the eldest,she is jealous of him and her dd winges all the time because he wont always play with her,because of this,fil knows I get stressed so removed him she took it as an insult and favouritism,it then became hard.

Sil tries to compete with me all the time with the kids,saying her dd would be upset if my dd was wearing a dress and if mil thought my dd was prettier than her dd, think thats not from a child mouth but from yours and thats your insecurities.

This is what I have to deal with,she tries to buy the most expensive better presnt than us,I dont care I just want to be relaxed happy not streesed it does my head in and I have had enough.

We used to spend one Xmas at MIL's, one Xmas at my parents and then a year on our own.

Lottoqueen im so sorry I feel so bad,but my parents just dont care about anything and his well its hard im so sorry.

Hey rainclouds, thank you :)

I was not trying to make you feel bad. You must do what is best for you and your family. We all spend time trying to do what is right, but a lot of the time we are trying to please everyone else and not ourselves

We are very lucky. My parents live in the same village as we do. We stay at home in the morning to open presents while my mum cooks Christmas dinner, walk to theirs for dinner, then come back home again (we do the washing up first though). In-laws usually visit sometime between Christmas and New Year.

I'm very lucky to have lovely ILs - there will be 13 of us (DPIL, DP & I, DD and 2 DBILs and their DWs and 2DCs each) in a cottage in Wales, so hoping we all still think we are lovely by the beginning of 2013...

Will get to see some of my family too, but logistics are such that I wouldn't be expected / invited to any of them for Christmas Day (DM deceased, DDad & DSM overseas).

rainclouds, has no-one ever called your SIL on her behaviour? What does your DP think about it? Has he ever said anything to you about it, or does he ignore it? How does his brother handle her behaviour?

Mil ignores it,fil intervenes and takes ds out of the room as they were arguing and I get upset,she never says infront of dp,she did it in front of bil and he quietened her down.

I dont know what pil hve said to her,she tries now to tell her dd to not whinge and lets not bl;ame ds.

I made it ovious as we dont go over when invited anymore,so she must know and I just ignore her,if we hvae to we nod on the school run but I have had enough ,we simply cant stand each other.

We go to my parents house. DH is welcome to go anywhere he likes, and if he wants to take any of the DCs with him and they wanted to go he could. I don't care what they all do as long as it makes them happy. What makes me happy is Christmas at my mam's house. My pfb has left home now, and he and his fiance do whatever they like, with no pressure from us. They are welcome to join us at any time, but we equally don't mind if they spend it at home in their own house, or with DiLs family, or with friends.
I guess if there was pressure from DHs family it would be different, but I still wouldn't go, I'd just let him decide what to do, and the DCs. I would never go to any of his family, I'd rather stay home alone but the situation has never yet arisen.

my mil is german and wants to open presnets on xmas eve, we let her do this once and it totally ruined my xmas day with DD as she wasnt interested in opening any more presents. it was the 1st xmas that she was aware of what was going on and I had been soooooo excited!

Instead of appreciating our way of doing things she simply got FIl to say to us - " what do you do for lunch?the german way is to get presents out the way on xmas eve so can have time etc do to the lunch on xmas day"

we dont pin ourselves down on xmas day sometimes eat 3m/4pm/ 5pm etc....and somtimes i like to open presents in between courses too.

in a nut shell, this year I want DH to tell them we are away for the whole two weeks.

I belive being accomodatin goes two ways and it doesnt with them.
You would NOT belive how many women DREAD xmas because of the in laws.

I think this is such a shame, and there has to be a compromise if there is a difficult situation. But if one side wont bend..*uck them.

We spend christmas day at home with DC I refuse to drag my children around so they don't get to play with their new bits.

Mum normally comes round for dinner and my sister may come late afternoon.

Very relaxed eat when we eat, kids do what they like.

On the other hand go to inlaws boxing day for the 'stressed christmas' MIL hates cooking but insists on cooking a full christmas dinner badly for 14 people, makes the dc sit up the table for hours while we she talks. Has all thier presents in sight but won't let then touch them until dinner finished and washing up done.

rainclouds, life is too short to spoil every Christmas for you all because of SIL. Do what you and your DP and DC want this year. If that means Christmas day in your own home without anyone else so be it. I think taking a day out of the Christmas holiday to please yourselves is very therapeutic, it means you can recover from seeing relatives before Christmas and brace yourselves for seeing them after it.

It seems your DC would relish avoiding SIL and their cousins anyway, it sounds miserable the situation you describe. I doubt it will ever improve. Will you want to look back over their childhood Christmasses and realise every one of them was spoiled by aggro and tension?

If you do have to see SIL and family do it any other day than Christmas day, because in your mind you will have that feeling that she will not be spoiling/have spoilt your family's Christmas day and you will not be so wound up and resentful about it.

I think raise the subject with DP saying how unenjoyable Christmas is for you all and you would like to do something to make it better. Ask him for ideas. Put forward options that have been suggested here of how other families do their Christmasses, there is no right or wrong way, and no rule that says you have to be part of a massive gathering. You aren't suggesting not seeing any family over Christmas, just not on that day.

Thanks for the advice,Girlywhirly its just difficult, its all the time not just xmas,

I think this year I need to start sticking up for myself and start thinking about whats best for my family instead of everyone else.

I will bring up with dp nearer the time I think,thanks to everyone for your advice,and for letting us know what you do on Christmas day.

We spend christmas day on our own,us and the kids.We go to see dhs family on new years,we dont really see my family,either just before christmas or just after new year.We dont live near either of our families though.

I dont think yabu.

rainclouds, there are such huge expectations surrounding Christmas though. At least at other times you don't have to be cooped up for many hours together. A quick half hour might suffice at someone elses home (on the way to somewhere else as a get out clause! Although you said you turn down any invitations she issues usually.

I think the GP's will have to accept not having everyone together for Christmas unless SIL grows up and stops being a pain. Or until she gets put in her place.

It is not unreasonable to consider what is best for your family, they are all affected by what happens. It isn't just you digging in your heels when the others are happy with the way things are. It's more about finding a different way of doing things so that you can still see the people you want to see while avoiding the ones you don't, and rather than providing opportunities for difficulty at the ILS they may have to adjust their Christmas accordingly and see their sons separately on different occasions. Just because something has been done a certain way for years doesn't mean it's set in stone, and changes have to be made when circumstances change.

Girlywhirly I think your right and Im going to suggest to dp nearer the time we do it separately from now on then tell the pil they can then tell sil,we are doing our own thing.