A Jilly Cooper Christmas

[5318hoho8]

What might the Rutshire Lot eat for their Xmas lunch? etc

And Rupert (despite being an arrogant arse most of the time) will redeem himself by coming to the aid of the aforementioned downtrodden second wife whose husband happens to be his latest sporting/tv/political nemisis. He'll strutt in, call her 'darling' and whisk her and her beloved lurcher off to Penscombe for dinner with Taggie and one of his mates who desperately fancies her ("I promised I'd get him a present and I know he'd like to unwrap you, fnar.") He'll probably also utter some surname based pun.

Rupert's father will stand up for the entire Queen's Speech and propose to his mother.

And they will all go to the pub in the village for an excellent steak pie and chips washed down with a gallon of claret and a fat cigar. At some point a feral looking female groom will rush in with twigs in her hair and a strategically ripped jumper frantic that the rescue filly she has been tending got spooked by Mr Nouveau Richards (dog food millionaire) driving past too fast in his yellow ferrari and ran off into the woods!

One of the christmas guests will be dressed in a mans shirt with an eton tie around the waist. And they will quiver with suppressed desire...

I love the hellish christmas described in polo with the scottish granny, petulant teenager and adulterous husband.

Mr Nouveau Riche's wife with her ovair-helocuted voice will be harbouring a deep, shameful secret

She wants to enter Hex- Factair next yair

(oh and has anyone said about loading the washing up machine, because posh folk don't have a dish washer )

Oh and Mr NouveauRiche will get some sexy lingerie from Jolly's of Bath for Mrs RN who will tut and return it for a sensible set of towels for the guest bathroom.

Half of Rutshire will have pushed of skiing to Gstaad, but back in time to seduce people at the NYE bash

The other half will be plastering on Man-Tan (from pre Riders books)

Maud O'Hara will have a New Years Eve/Birthday party for ?Patrick (and give him a brand new dark green golf) , a teeny party for half a dozen couples, that turns out to be half the county.

Valerie will want to stay home with a poached egg on Bovril toast.

Someone will be taken ill and Dr Benson will roll up in a dinner jacket smelling of brandy and gold spot.

I have only read one book by Jilly Cooper, and it's called "how to survive Christmas". A lot of the above is rather familiar though.

I think she may have left out the father-in-law who spends the whole of Boxing Day asking what's the best route home to Petersfield, on the grounds that he doesn't hunt.

Off to library now, to reserve a copy of "Polo"

Best. Thread. Ever.

Sexy, selfish second wife will have pulled out all the stops and created a fabulous if OTT Christmas at which her husband's children by first (upper class, unselfish and non-sexy old boot) wife will sneer. In French.

Elderly roue of a grandfather will flirt with everyone and call SSW by UUFW's name.

Utterly gorgeous but frozen-upper-lipped horse-riding man will not attend, as he will have seen his oldest and best-loved horse die at race meet or similar of heart attack and will be lost in grief.

Dotty, fat but charming single woman will bump into him as she wanders through the wintry woods, in her wellies, with a labrador. She will invite him back to her tiny, messy cottage for supper, then wail because the half-bottle of wine she has saved is corked. He will whisk her off to the local gourmet pub, where he will commandeer a table and tell the waiter to 'Buck up and bring us a bottle.' He will like the way her cheeks go pink as she warms up next to the fire.

The girl grooms will sulk and get drunk and get off with people. An outrageously naughty and hugely talented Argentine polo player, perhaps.

Meanwhile, in LA...

Erm. Have maybe read too many.

A few years ago when I was at my parents' for Christmas, on Boxing Day we went to some friends' of theirs for lunch. I suddenly realised we met quite a few criteria for being in a Jillly Cooper novel:

• women inside gossiping and drinking champagne
• men outside drinking whisky from hip flasks and shooting clay pigeons (badly)
• roaring fire making everyone too hot
• man of the house shagging his secretary (not literally at the time), menopausal stoical wife (who was lovely)
• dogs everywhere, people everywhere
• lashings of Poison and Diorissimo
• police turned up because the neighbours complained about the shot going everywhere into their garden

Sadly no horses though.

Who does the Christmas food shop in Jilly? Mrs Bodkin I suppose...

I am Mrs Bodkin

Someone will make scrambled eggs at some point, their bum juddering as they stir them.

teenagers will be upstairs, necking, shooting tampons out of tubes and drinking Malibu.

everyone will be screaming with laughter

desperate to impress young hostess will have made vats of something or other (kedgeree? turkey curry?). RCB will privately comment that it looks like baby sick. then it will all be overturned by drunken young bloods trying to debag each other and RCB will be so moved by the sight of DTIYH weeping into her Moet that he will sweep in saying 'never mind darling', dry her tears on his silk handkerchief and order in a job lot of goose from Claridges.

Someone will drunkenly ride a pony through the local church nativity service and all but the apoplectic vicar will agree said pony 'stole the show'.

Beautiful young girl groom will stand on one leg in embarrassment as she asks handsome boss ( who is heartbroken as his wilful and spoilt wife has bolted off with Mr Nouveau Dogfood and taken baby Poppy with her ) to her mums tiny cottage for Christmas lunch as she can't bear to think of him alone on Christmas Day .
Later , on returning to her flat above the stables , he tears her lucky knickers off with his teeth .
The Jack Russell ( named Gladys ) finds them the next day , and brings them to her as a present .