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Original poster

Dh says Christmas is about "feasting" - help!

28 replies

MrsEricBana · 29/11/2011 15:16

I am feeling down about Christmas - wanted to make it lovely for everyone but without it all being about consumption (in both the food and material sense). On Xmas day it will be me, dh, ds (11), dd (8) plus my mother, dh father and his partner, and in evening dh's sister, her husband and dh cousin coming too. So I asked dh and the dc what element of Xmas really makes it Xmas for them, thinking that I could ensure that all those things happened for them and then try and keep it relatively simple otherwise. So the dcs say stockings, seeing Grandma etc, which is only right and proper, and dh said "feasting" :-( I feel really flat about this as 1) it will all fall to me 2) I have really tried to watch what I eat this year in an attempt to lose some weight and while clearly one day makes no difference, the idea of "feasting" as being the meaning of Xmas just doesn't seem right. Dh sees this as being terrible on my part as his (late) mother was a fantastic homemaker and made everything herself from Xmad pud to cake to sausage rolls to mince pies etc and my reluctance to do so makes me a bad wife and mother (seemingly), not having same views as him etc. I do want everyone to have a lovely meal but this has really made me feel low. I know this is not aibu, but if I am, feel free to say!
Ideally I would like to do one of those turkey crowns or M&S turkey joint things with the usual trimmings but now I feel like I am somehow letting the side down.
Sorry, I know this seems trivial and pathetic in the grand scheme but surely there should be more to Xmas than this. Thoughts please. Thanks.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 29/11/2011 15:18

If your DH wants to feast, he can do the cooking. If he's not willing, you do it your way.

BurntToffee · 29/11/2011 15:18

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Lilyloo · 29/11/2011 15:20

Why did you ask him then ? He has his idea of xmas as do you. You tell him your idea is minimal cooking and eating then come to a compromise ? Just because that is how he sees xmas doesn't mean you have to agree or provide it.

BurntToffee · 29/11/2011 15:23

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joymaker · 29/11/2011 16:03

Completely agree with BurntToffee.

OP don't put too much pressure on yourself (to fulfill all expectations) as you'll only end up having a crap christmas yourself. Your family wouldn't want that would they?

Surely your husband could help with some of the prep or is he unwilling?

piprabbit · 29/11/2011 16:10

I'm sure your DH would be Blush to think that his remark has made you feel low and sad.
You can have some fantastic feasting without having to slave in the kitchen for weeks in preparation. Buy in the bits that are a faff, cook the bits that you enjoy doing and then relax. IMO it is often the 'trimmings' that turn a meal into a feast - laying the table nicely, serving some Wensleydale cheese with the Christmas cake, stirring a bit of port into the shop bought cranberry sauce, having brandy with your after dinner coffee etc. None of these bits are time consuming or stressful, but it makes the meal seem special.
Draw up a list of jobs needed to create a 'feast' and then work with DH to divide them up between you.

But please, don't feel sad. DH will have to lump it if his 'feasting' expectations are unreasonably excessive.

girlywhirly · 29/11/2011 16:28

Isn't it a pity that DH didn't pick up all the hints and tips and recipes from his mum so that he could recreate them for everyone. Instead he chooses to shame his wife because she won't pander to his wishes. Men are capable of cooking if they want to, I think this is about DH wanting his relatives to have what they always used to at Christmas when his mum was alive. However, things change and he needs to be more supportive of you.

I would say to him that if that is what he wants he can do all the shopping, baking, Christmas lunch for them while you entertain the guests. If he doesn't wish to do that, tell him the food will be what you choose to make and that is an end to the matter.

There is nothing wrong with turkey crowns!

mumeeee · 29/11/2011 16:30

We are going to feast on Christmas Day but we are going out for Christmas Dinner. In our family Christmas is about family even though our youngest is 19. My DH doesn't believe in anyone spending Christmas Day cooking. OP I would just do what you said and if your DH wants more ask him to help.

BurntToffee · 29/11/2011 17:23

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LoveInAColdClimate · 29/11/2011 17:25

Just buy everything pre-prepped from M&S, shove it in the oven and feast away!

Taffeta · 29/11/2011 17:37

yy to buy it in from M&S, pimp it as necessary. Waitrose bread sauce with a little extra cream, pre prepped brussles from M&S with a squirt of lemon juice, etc.

Most importantly, a large bottle of good wine for the cook to make the kitchen the best place to be. Grin

Lilyloo · 29/11/2011 22:33

You can 'order' it all in lot's of feasting without the hassle then Grin

Original poster
MrsEricBana · 29/11/2011 23:50

Thank you for kind replies and for not telling me to pull my socks up (and get back in the kitchen!). Very good point that if dh and his sister feel that strongly about it all they could do more of it. With a clearer head it seems that if I am doing it all they should be happy with what I feel able to provide, especially since no one else has offered to do it and we have done it all through the years when I was pregnant, dcs growing up etc (even when dd due on Christmas Eve was still on board!) and none of the others above have young children. No dh didn't ask what would make it special for me. What would is spending time with the assembled family, looking at the childrens' things with them, playing games, nice but manageable food, drinks by fire etc rather than a military culinary operation. Anyway, thanks again - I feel more rational about it now and what needs doing.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe80nappies · 29/11/2011 23:55

Why don't you suggest he cooks?

Have you discussed this, or has his single response 'feasting' brought all these thoughts on without further discussion?

Original poster
MrsEricBana · 30/11/2011 00:46

We have discussed it several times and he says he will cook on the day BUT he would not do all the planning, shopping etc and to be fair has less time than me so I think in reality it would be tricky for him to do anything other than help on the day (and he can barely boil an egg!). I think what really upset me is that the only word he came up with re Xmas was feasting and not a single one of the other things it should be about, and because I do not feel the same way that is somehow indicative of our "differences", which seems quite frankly mad to me.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe80nappies · 30/11/2011 08:03

Is there more to this OP? You sound so upset about it Sad

If you do decide to cook the whole thing, it is very possible to prep tons in advance and freeze it so that the actual day requires minimal effort.
My mum and I cook the whole thing from scratch and have loads of time for doing the other things you describe on Christmas day, even going out to friends for drinks for a couple of hours before lunch.
I'm not saying you should do it, just that if you want to there are ways and means.

I recommend you detail him and SIL to the washing up though Grin

girlywhirly · 30/11/2011 08:05

MrsEricBana, that last post from you has summed up very clearly what his family Christmasses were all about, namely a massed feeding of faces. It's very telling that SIL has always been happy to come to yours and thus got out of doing any entertaining herself.

How about viewing the situation this way. The matriarch of his family is no longer with you, which means you are the new one as you have taken on the christmas day catering. In my book that gives you carte blanche to decide what will be eaten! You will be doing the planning and shopping, so it's your choice what to have.

Daftapath · 30/11/2011 09:51

I wonder how much actual enjoyment his mother had each christmas whilst she was in the kitchen each year? How much time did she get to spend with all her family?

My mum, for years, caterers for loads of people for days over Christmas. She has now more or less, hung up her apron and it is clear that each year was bloody hard work (although appreciated by us all) and meant she missed out on loads of the fun whilst running backwards and forwards to the kitchen.

BurntToffee · 30/11/2011 10:13

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BeattieBow · 30/11/2011 10:14

I find it very difficult to believe that a grown man can barely boil an egg. Clearly his mother has a lot to answer for.

I personally do not enjoy cooking either and would really resent it if I had to put together a huge spread for everyone and would miss what I really enjoy about Christmas which is spending time with my children and drinking alot of champagne . Luckily in my family we all chip in, so that no one person is left in the kitchen on their own. I rather enjoy planning it and organising lists etc, but we definitely all play a part.

I would say for you, that if your dh and his family are not prepared to help you, then you should be able to say without any guilt that you are preparing an M&S christmas and everyone else should lump it!

BurntToffee · 30/11/2011 10:36

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Daftapath · 30/11/2011 10:41

I'd let him do the cooking and maybe order/buy in everything from M and S (to make it easy for him you).

Then sit on the sofa, getting sozzled on bubbly and only help if he asks but DO NOT take over the reins again even if everything is on te verge of ruin. Just Lou another drink ;0)

Daftapath · 30/11/2011 10:42

That reminds me, I am due at the dentist at 11.00 too! Where does time go?

OhdearNigel · 30/11/2011 10:48

I agree with Piprabbit - supermarkets make it really easy now to have a fabulous hassle free feast with little washing up afterwards. Buy in what makes you anxious and sod MIL !

wordfactory · 30/11/2011 11:22

Actually I do think that feasting is part of the xmas tradition.

In the depths of dark winter it's a time to remind ourselves that life is good. We celebrate our good fortune by sharing what we have. For me that is all about decorating the house and having groaning tables.

But I enjoy cooking. That said, you can supply a feast with little cooking if you don't feel inclined. What's important is that it feels special and celebratory.