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Original poster

Every year, FIL wants to stay in his own home because it might be his last Christmas

27 replies

Hassled · 28/10/2011 20:58

And it might have been his last Christmas for at least 10 years now. He's fine - a few issues which go with being mid-70s, and he's had a few scares along the way, but really he's fine (I appreciate he doesn't see it this way). We get on well - I really like him. He's a nice, kind, generous man - I think there may be some Health Anxiety thing going on (armchair diagnosis). But this leaves MIL doing the cooking, and she's had a tough year this year (was genuinely very unwell, lost her brother etc). I know MIL would jump at the chance to come to us. Sometimes SIL and her family go to them but this year they won't be there, so it could potentially be ILs on their own.

And because I'm a stubborn cow and 2 of my DCs aren't his grandchildren and I've sort of split the day with their Dad over the years, plus often my own family visit from Ireland, we've stayed put but invited them every single year. Now those older DC are grown up and for other reasons will spend most of the day with their father this year, and I have no excuse.

Except - the food's shit. They don't drink. They won't let me cook. The TV is always on and it's so big I might as well be at the Odeon. The younger DCs (the ones who are their GCs) get bored there after about an hour. I want Christmas in my own home but I haven't got a leg to stand on because that's exactly how FIL feels and why should I win and not him? DH doesn't seem to care either way - he's the eternal diplomat.

I sound like I hate them but I don't - I'm genuinely very fond of them and I do sort of feel I owe them. I just don't want to. I just need to bite the bullet and go, don't I?

OP posts:
belledechocchipcookie · 28/10/2011 21:02

I'd tell FIL that MIL deserves a rest and that he needs to live for today because time passes so quickly and he needs to make the most of every day.

motherinferior · 28/10/2011 21:03

Tell him to do the cooking. That way he gets to stay in his own home and your MIL doesn't have to do it.

Original poster
Hassled · 28/10/2011 21:06

belle - that's what frustrates me so much, I think. I'm a big believer in living for the day - I wish he'd just enjoy what he has.

And MI - he can barely open a can of beans. If MIL goes before him he'll live off cereal.

OP posts:
belledechocchipcookie · 28/10/2011 21:08

Some people can't Hassled, the glass is half empty. I'd tell him that she deserves a break. If he still won't come then he needs to be left to fend for himself.

spendthrift · 28/10/2011 21:13

as part of your christmas present to them could you send them the stuff for christmas dinner? in advance? then if you end up going there, at least the stuff is edible and you have an excuse to open it and help, and she gets a bit of a break?

or, do what a darling friend did when ds one was on the way, give me a voucher saying she would be my slave for a day - and do that as your christmas present to them both?

Original poster
Hassled · 28/10/2011 21:19

They wouldn't accept the slave thing (I do like the concept :o) but yes, supplying the food would at least help I suppose.

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 28/10/2011 22:26

My aunt used to dish up Christmas lunch for her dad and stepmum, and her son used to drive it round to their house!

Not ideal, but is there any way of bringing them over for the christmas meal and taking them home again afterwards, so that he gets most of the day in his own home? Mil doesn't need to worry about cooking, and will probably appreciate the brief change of scene. You could send them home with nibbles and things for supper. I know it means someone not drinking until later. If they are both elderly they might be able to cope with a short visit, sometimes they find a whole day a bit too tiring.

Original poster
Hassled · 28/10/2011 22:42

They're a good hour away - but yes, maybe he'd go for part of the day. Thanks. I think I have to speak to MIL about it all.

OP posts:
mercibucket · 28/10/2011 22:48

We did m and s xmas last year - took it all over. Mil wanted to do turkey. It was raw. At least the rest of lunch was ok

mercibucket · 28/10/2011 22:48

We did m and s xmas last year - took it all over. Mil wanted to do turkey. It was raw. At least the rest of lunch was ok

Listzilla · 29/10/2011 13:37

The way I see it, your kids are entitled to Christmas Day at home with their toys, not bored, and without having to spend two hours of the most fun day of the year in the car. If your PILs choose to stay at home rather than seeing their grandchildren, that's their choice.

It may just be the cranky pregnant hormones talking, but that's the way I'd feel about it.

Original poster
Hassled · 29/10/2011 17:53

A year ago I would have agreed - I was always the bolshy "we stay in our own home, thanks" one. Now I just feel beholden and it's shit. We'll end up going (with M&S food), I know it.

OP posts:
bytheMoonlight · 29/10/2011 18:02

Two hours in a car with young children on Christmas Day is a very good reason not to go IMHO.

Why you should you have a rubbish Christmas because FIL is stubbon? Silly to feel beholden.

Just state the reason (children in car for too long) and let them make their choice. You can't be responsible for their decisions.

Trills · 29/10/2011 18:04

He can stay in his own home if he wants. You don't have to go there.

dreamingofsun · 29/10/2011 18:07

till we had children i fitted in with IL's on the basis that once we did have them we would stay at home. I think its entirely reasonable to invite them to your house and if they won't come let them make their own arrangements. I will fit in with my children once they have grandchildren and hope that i will be invited to their houses if thats what they'd prefer to do.

children are most important at christmas and i think having it at home with your own traditions is the thing to do

LydiaWickham · 29/10/2011 18:09

Nope, invite them to you. Could you get MIL on side first and have her saying how she'd really like to see the DGC open their gifts, have a year off cooking to FIL. Get DH to suggest that MIL isn't looking 100% and "it might be her last year, so she shouldn't spend it in the kitchen"...

Also could you offer to have them stay over so they don't have to drive first thing/back after dark?

purplewerepidj · 29/10/2011 18:12

Tell him that, as you live in a democracy, the majority rules. You, DH, 4(?) kids all want to do it at your house, so that's what's happening Grin

TheOriginalFAB · 29/10/2011 18:13

We made it a bit easier but saying that we wouldn't see them (the inlaws) on the 25th but would on the 26th so it wasn't like they were thinking they wouldn't see the kids.

eaglewings · 29/10/2011 18:15

He is young, could be another 20 years! Have MIL to stay and leave him with a microwave meal

SinicalSal · 29/10/2011 18:22

Well if it might be his last Christmas surely he'd prefer to spend it with his family? Seeing the little DC's faces light up etc etc.

Maybe your diplomatic husband can think of a way to make the point without necessarily dressing up the grim reaper...

purplewerepidj · 29/10/2011 18:50

Sinical, my Gran's been saying the same since my Grandad died, 17 years ago. She's now 90 and just got back to the UK from a visit to the States to see her daughter... I'm a little sceptical of these claims Hmm

Original poster
Hassled · 29/10/2011 18:52

So the consensus is that if I do what I've always done and invite them here while making it clear I'm not going there, knowing they won't come here, and despite the tough shit for the nice MIL and despite the fact I don't have the excuse of older kids/seeing their father etc, then I'm still not a selfish cow? I don't need to feel wracked (racked?) with guilt?

I love you all :o.

OP posts:
SinicalSal · 29/10/2011 18:53

Consensus in favour of the OP? Surely not!

FetchezLaVampire · 29/10/2011 18:54

Any one of us can validly say it might be our last Christmas...

LydiaWickham · 29/10/2011 22:07

You could try getting the MIL on side, so she stands up to her DH to say she will be at her DS's house for Christmas, and FIL can join her or be completely on his own...