If you have agreed a xmas rota (one xmas at ILs, one at home, etc) when is it acceptable to change it?

[Flyonthewindscreen]

Disclaimer - I actually get on fine with my ILs most of the year but there is something about Christmas that sets MIL off...

Until last year me and DH had spent 11 years in a row having Christmas at the ILs. It reached a head around this time last year as with our DC then 5 and 7 we were getting desperate to have a Christmas at home, done our own way. ILs took it very badly, lots of refusing to talk about it and sillyness from them (we invited them to come to us so it wasn't like we were excluding them). I posted on MN quite a bit about to let off steam . Eventually they agreed to come to us, compromise being that we would alternate years from then on. Me, DH and the DC had a great xmas, ILs seemed happy enough, although weirdly they did do a complete duplicate xmas day again when we visited them on Boxing Day ...

Now its xmas planning time of year again and as yet nothing has been said. I wish we hadn't agreed to the rota idea as it doesn't seem fair that ILs get to host xmas for over 30 years, we get one year and then its their "turn" again and all the time the DC are growing up and we have only had one xmas of their childhood at home.

My question is having agreed a "rota", when is it acceptable to change it? I'm thinking that to refuse to go to theirs this year after making it part of last year's "deal" would be too confrontational but I am thinking of saying that it will be the last one and after that we will be at home (they are welcome to join us).

Well my DD spontaneously just asked where we are spending xmas this year. I said I don't know "where would you like to be?" and she said at home. So I think we will say to MIL that we will come to hers this year if she really wants us to but that the DC are of an age where they prefer to be at home (quoting what my DS said which is he liked his GPs to be able to play with him and not be busy cooking all day) and so we will stay at home from next year on, hope they will join us etc.

We were lucky that both sets of GP lived reasonably close. So when our DC were small we visited my parents for an hour early on Christmas morning and then met PIL at church. We sat with them for the short family service and then called in at their house for DC to open GPs presents. We were always back home by noon. The rest of the day we were at home with just the DC.

We always had a Christmas eve party at my parents with all the aunts, uncles and cousins. New Years Day lunch was always a re-run of Christmas dinner at PILs.

I'm a MIL myself now and I'm fairly easy going about the big day. I would much rather DS and DIL stay at their own home with their new little family if that is what they want. But I think the other GM has other ideas! I do think it is unfair to expect young families to travel miles. DC are better in their own home at Christmas.
I know I will see DS, DIL & GC at some point over the holiday...we can watch them open presents then.

OP here, just to update. DH finally had a conversation with PIL along lines of "we will come to you this year because we promised last year but we will be staying at home from then on because the DC have said that they would prefer it." MIL didn't try to argue for the ongoing rota although she did say "and if we do come to you at xmas day next year, we can still have real xmas at our house on boxing day can't we"

Have been in almost identical position myself.

MIL always made big fuss over Christmas and we would end up spending time with them on xmas eve, xmas day and boxing day with no time for ourselves or any real time to relax. Not helped by the fact that I do not get time off work at xmas.

Last year (DC aged 2 and 4) DH put his foot down and told his family that from now on we would be spending xmas day at home.

Anyone and everyone are very welcome to come to us for as much or as little of the day as they like but we've explained that with young children (now have DS3 aged 13 wks as well) we want to be at home so they can enjoy presents etc.

MIL actually took it quite well (SILs not so much) and like other posters I like the fact that we as a family are starting our own traditions, and making the most of the precious "believing" years.

Good to hear you will have Christmas in your own home, even if it starts next year!

It seems like a good compromise in that you do Christmas day at yours and MIL can do her version on Boxing day. I don't think you'll ever change her habits, unless she is ill or injured! But if she thinks this is second best, lets hope your DC don't become sulky teens and don't want to go at all. It seems a bit presumptious that she expects to be invited on Christmas day next year, I can imagine how that would go down if you announced you were just intending the four of you to have Christmas on your own!

GruffalosGirl - we do rota thing here with one year my parents and next PIL then whoever didn't come christmas day comes Boxing day.

Only this year not one person can remember whose turn it is? No-one can remember who was with who christmas day - the last 13 years have rolled into one!