If you have agreed a xmas rota (one xmas at ILs, one at home, etc) when is it acceptable to change it?

[Flyonthewindscreen]

Disclaimer - I actually get on fine with my ILs most of the year but there is something about Christmas that sets MIL off...

Until last year me and DH had spent 11 years in a row having Christmas at the ILs. It reached a head around this time last year as with our DC then 5 and 7 we were getting desperate to have a Christmas at home, done our own way. ILs took it very badly, lots of refusing to talk about it and sillyness from them (we invited them to come to us so it wasn't like we were excluding them). I posted on MN quite a bit about to let off steam . Eventually they agreed to come to us, compromise being that we would alternate years from then on. Me, DH and the DC had a great xmas, ILs seemed happy enough, although weirdly they did do a complete duplicate xmas day again when we visited them on Boxing Day ...

Now its xmas planning time of year again and as yet nothing has been said. I wish we hadn't agreed to the rota idea as it doesn't seem fair that ILs get to host xmas for over 30 years, we get one year and then its their "turn" again and all the time the DC are growing up and we have only had one xmas of their childhood at home.

My question is having agreed a "rota", when is it acceptable to change it? I'm thinking that to refuse to go to theirs this year after making it part of last year's "deal" would be too confrontational but I am thinking of saying that it will be the last one and after that we will be at home (they are welcome to join us).

My mother had a spate of saying sadly 'I always imagined you all coming home for Christmas with your families'- but I have pointed out that :
a, we all have ILs and unless you are royalty it is very unfair! (I think it is unfair if you marry into the royal family!)
b, there simply wouldn't be room.
c,She was able to have Christmas at home every year when we were children without having to travel around the country.
d, the very reason we want to have our own Christmas traditions is because she did it so well.
e, she can come to us.

She agrees that she has an over romantic picture!

Now the DC are teens or near teens we stay at home and various family members come to us for a night or two (too far just to travel for a day)

When they were younger we alternated but were lucky in that PIL and my parents live about 30 mins from each other (pure coincidence, but very useful), so we would stay a couple of nights at one set and then spend all Christmas Day itself with the ohter set. Kept everyone happy.

Excellent post girlywhirly and I guess what I was trying to say, but much more eloquently put.

I agree with girlywhirly and that is my point exactly. Everyone that visits them has to 'give up' their Christmas. It works both ways. Time for them to think how other people are affected too.....

We have no rota.
We do exactly what we want to do for Christmas, we always have it at ours, so we are completely in control.

Sorry - that doesn't help! But we started that 12 years ago, and it was DH and I together, to start with, then DH and I and DC. Sometimes we have others, sometimes we don't.

Absolutely no pattern, rota or anything. And I bloody love it!

We do what anonymousbird does.

every year we have xmas day in our own home. anyone who chooses to join us is very very welcome.

And isn't it nice, muddleduck?

We don't travel anywhere at Christmas, DH never has any more time than the two days off and is knackered, so packing the car and driving is not an option.

My folks never come because they have to spend Christmas with my bitch sister, and I refuse to have her over the threshold, so that is that, and my PIL's live round the corner and we are likely to have a drink with them, and usually they would come for the meal, but this year they are off to BIL's. All fine, no upset, every one is happy. It just is whatever it turns out to be.

And so it is the four of us this year, we are having Beef Wellington, buckets of wine and I can't wait.

I love having Christmas with my parents and ILs with my parents (5hrs away) it's a chance to be at 'home' and have the whole family together for a while, where DH and I grew up and catch up with friends. + It gives the Grannies huge pleasure to look after us all. I wouldn't expect everyone to trek all the way to us.

Ah, Taffeta, all down to years of diplomacy and flattering family into feeling appreciated. Actually, that sounds a bit underhand. But softening people up with compliments often works, because you have been so nice to them, it would seem rude and selfish to make an issue.

I confess I don't understand why people are so obsessed with having to see each other on Christmas day, what's so wrong with the days surrounding Christmas and New Year? I spent many childhood Christmases at home, because Dad had to work. Didn't see relatives as too far away, but Mum spoke on the phone to wish Seasons Greetings.

An old boyfriend once confided that he used to get his mates to phone him at his Aunt and Uncles house, (pre-mobiles) where his family were spending Christmas, just to have an excuse to meet them and get out of playing the party games! (To be fair all his cousins were still children when he was in his mid teens.) I wonder how long it was before Aunts DC decided to ditch the games themselves in favour of something else. I had visions of Aunt protesting that they had to play games because it was a family tradition, and everyone putting on the tv and scoffing chocs instead!

OP here, thanks for messages and your thoughts. I think girlywhirly is very true about how important being the xmas host can be to DM/MILs. This is definately the case for MIL. She can't let go of the idea that she is still the mother with a young family around her and that her/FIL's house is the natural gathering place. I especially think she can't bear that role to be taken by a DIL. It is significant that it is the one time of the year we fall out! One of last year's outbursts was that me and DH had made her and FIL feel "old and past it" by even suggesting we take a turn hosting xmas.

SIL is also a big factor. She is very close to her parents and loves her old family home and still spends a lot of time there. PIL and SIL are perfectionists who love doing all the xmas cooking and decorations together just the way they like them. SIL was also v upset at last years change of plans.

So basically no amount of giving MIL a role at xmas, asking for her help at xmas or going along with the 2nd xmas on boxing day is going to make her like ever coming to DH and my house on the day.

I don't have much family of my own left, only a DF who is busy with my SM and her family at xmas. DH did point out to MIL last year that she was lucky not to have to share her only DGC at xmas with the other GPs let alone always having them at her house.

DH is 100% for us having some xmases at home, ideally all of them but I don't think he would be up for causing an uproar by not going to ILs this year. I will talk to him again following this thread about how to broach the whole "this will the last xmas we come to yours" subject.

Gosh, op, that does sound very awkward and IMO, selfish. I have found this a really interesting thread, my parents and my ILs are pretty easygoing in comparison, which is great for me as I love hosting.

Its really made me think about how I will be when its no longer my turn, and how important it will be to hand over to my DIL.....my DC are only 4 and 7.....

It would be really interesting to hear any grandparents' views on this, and how they have come to terms with handing over the reins.

Back to your situation, op, and I think from what you describe if it were me, with DH by my side, I would stay put at home with an invitation should they so choose, but totally optional. It sounds like they are very set in their ways. Maybe they need a Christmas Day without you guys to appreciate what Christmas is actually all about.

I should add my ILs and parents are all in their seventies, and some not well, so they are happy to relinquish.

What would the response be to you, DH and DC have your own Christmas day at home. PIL and SIL don't have to come if they don't want to. Then go to PIL for Boxing Day. You have the Christmas you want, PIL and SIL get to do things their way at their house on Boxing Day, food and decs wise, still see DC and they could have a second present opening. Ok you might have to eat two big dinners in two days, but this is the best compromise I can come up with.

MIL will have to accept at some point, that families change, people join and people leave, circumstances and needs change. This really is her problem but she can't see it. I think the more you dance to her tune the harder it will be in the future. Offer the compromise above and see what DH thinks, the PIL might just have to stop being so self-centred if the choice is that or not seeing any of you at Christmas. That really would be cutting off their noses to spite their faces. Compromise is not just what other people do. It's for MIL as well.

How about turning on it's head the whole thing about PIL being made to feel old and past it, by saying that you and DH feel hurt and inadequate as hosts when they reject your invitation to celebrate Christmas at your home. You are entitled to feel insulted, you know. I'd be tempted to say 'How will I ever reach your standards of entertaining, MIL, if I never get the chance to practice?' but that might be beyond the pale!

It did pretty much come to that kind of "come to us or we will see you on boxing day" ultimatum last year, with DH having to ask MIL in late November whether they were coming or not (ILs all avoiding the subject) but tbh it would be shame if that happened mainly because the DC would miss them. I wish I could belong to a family where people stayed at home if they felt like it, were welcome to visit if they felt like it and I didn't have to get into this ridiculous struggle with my MIL from around November every year. Who I usually get on fine with...

Sorry, just saw your last message girlywhirly about trying the DH and me saying we felt rejected as hosts line. Last year I gave MIL a whole emotional spiel about how I always had xmases at home and I wanted to do the same for my DC (true actually) but it cut no ice at all. She is far more bothered about SIL being upset, SIL was apparently v upset about not having "xmas at home" i.e. ILs house (she was 37 at the time...).

should be always had xmases at home as a child

Just tell them what's happening, invite them to yours if you want and don't discuss it further. We went to ILs for DD's first Xmas and 10 years later have never been since. I do agree that kids want to be in their own home on Xmas Day. SIL seemed upset that we're going to PILs on Boxing Day this year as she can't do Boxing Day as step-kids are coming over. That's a shame I said and changed the subject.

I agree - I think a perfect compromise is to have christmas day at yours (+ whoever else is welcome to join you can be invited) and then go to PILs for boxing day or christmas eve or some other dedicated day.

I loathe having to be in 2 separate places on christmas day and driving between the two.

When DH and I got married we spent the first Christmas doing a mad driving thing in a falling apart, borrowed car which necessitated one of us hanging out of the window to flip the windscreen wipers back and forth and then repairing the falling-off exhaust with a metal coathanger. That gave us the perfect excuse to say, "we'd love to see you all at some point over the Christmas period but will be spending Christmas Day itself in our home from now on".

We both have two siblings and all my SiLs are very keen on rotas, and organising everyone decades in advance. We let them get on with their alternating and we enjoy doing our own thing which seems to work for all concerned. The thought of being tied into a Christmas rota that has to be negotiated across not only my parents and ILs but also my brothers and their ILs and SiLs and their ILs is fairly horrific! I consider ourselves to have saved everyone the bother.

Over the past 9 years we've had Christmas Day at home alone, with friends, with one of my brothers (who had to work into the early hours of CD and his work have a policy of only paying for a taxi out to zone 2), with my parents and in Lapland. This year we'll be celebrating Christmas at ours as the four of us but will see my parents beforehand and the PiLs are coming on 27th. Being stroppy assertive 8 years ago saves us the stress and gets us Brownie points when we accept invitations from family for any of the other dates they deem sigificant!

We have decided this year will be the last that we will be dictated to.

We started with the idea that we would do a 3 year cycle, one at home, one at il's, one at M&D's.

It hasn't really worked out like that and we haven't had the one on our own thing! Also my mum has gone a bit frantic for 2 years playing the martyr about not being included.

SO, change to pattern, I have 2 siblings and we have agreed that there should be a different pattern.
One with each of us and one off a 4 year pattern, the one with each of us could be at theirs or ours but it is us being together that is the thing.

We would always see them over the christmas week somehow we are only talking about the 25th december.

We all go to PILs and I love it but they live a 10 minute walk away.

I am glad though that after 11 years they are thinking of having a buffet set out at the side rather than the 5 course sit down at 3.30pm for 17 people........

Once you have your own family its time for you all as a family to establish your own traditions. How many christmases really do the children get before the magic wears off a bit for them. You have to do what makes the day special for your dc! Apart from going to mass on xmas eve we usually all stay put from 23rd right through till 27th dec! We have party for my friends& their dc on 23rd as its my bday. Xmas eve usually means a few callers. Everyone from dh family comes on 25th and then my family on 26th!

What do you think you'll do then Kamer? Leave it this year to keep the peace, or just say 'we're staying at home but you're welcome to join'. You say it would be a shame if the DC missed them on Christmas day. Yes, but they have been accustomed from birth to seeing them then, so they think that's the way things are always done, just like the ILS, really. This is the pattern you're trying to break, change their way of thinking so that they could, in theory, have Christmas anywhere and it would still be Christmas.

Do you think it might work if you and DH announce you're staying at home, they refuse to discuss the issue, you don't talk about it either, and eventually Christmas arrives and you're still at home!

What remember said:

I just don't get how (older) parents can possibly imagine that their (grown up) children actually want to do all that travelling. How can they not see that their kids are in a very akward position trying to please two sets of parents and not see that actually they would love to stay at home with their young family?

Is it that the parents are consumed with selfishness or is it sheer arrogance thinking that they can provide enough fun and relaxation that will completely wipe out the exhaustion they are willingly subjecting their children to by forcing them to travel in the only time that they have off work for months??

I just don't get it. At all. It actually makes me really cross.

My parents did this when they were young (though both sets of their parents were about half an hour from each other) so they feel it's our duty to traipse round the country like they did

This year I'll have a fairly new born baby so am using that as my excuse to stay home and change the rota...but am sure someone will be offended at some point.