How to cope with watching people suffer

[ThinkingItThroughABit]

Hi,

I wondered if I could ask for some perspectives on a question I have?

My Grandad was a church Minister and my Mum learned a lot, and has always guided me on how to think about things in a Christian context. I have extremely solid Christian roots to my life philosophy and find that very helpful.

My Mum taught me to accept death happily because of faith in the afterlife and I am fine with that.

But with the NHS being so good at sort-of fixing people up these days, people live with chronic conditions for much longer, and some people suffer a lot before they actually die. My own grandparents died very suddenly, so my Mum didn't give me any guidance on how to cope with having to watch people suffer for long periods before they die.

She also didn't give me any thoughts on how to enjoy the fact that people are still alive, while knowing that they may not continue to be alive for long. These days people may have a diagnosis that means that they might be alive for 2 years or 10 years, but the end may come very suddenly anywhere on that timeline. I have no idea how to cope philosophically with that uncertainty.

I wondered if anybody had any ideas about that?

My DM has Lewy Body Dementia now, so I can't ask for her thoughts on it.

In thinking about people suffering, I'm not just thinking about my DM but about many people, young and old, and those in poverty and those in very challenging jobs, who may be really strung out. I see people struggling in so many contexts, and I wish it didn't tie me in knots quite so much, when I can't do anything about it.

As a child I used to worry about the feelings of inanimate objects, and I'm not super-great at noticing when people are genuinely happy, so I could possibly do with working on that.

Thanks!

Thank you, dear sister.

Your rendition of this searingly painful and yet powerful experience is so deeply impactful to me in ways I cannot go into here.

I sense His Voice, through your testimony. I’m coming to truly believe He is able to fulfil Romans 8:28 and Genesis 50:20, in spite of my quivering protests of “unfairness” and “injustice” and my (thus far) stubborn refusal to accept a painful path of suffering.

Your words, your experience has moved me yet further into the depths of surrender to His ocean of grace in the midst of painful hardship and allowing myself to cast it all on Him, for He is able and will not let me fall.

Thank you xxx

Thank you ❤️

It's truly moving to hear how it has resonated with you on such a deep level.
The idea of surrendering to "His ocean of grace" in the face of hardship is a powerful one. It speaks to the importance of faith and trust, of recognising that even in the midst of suffering, there is God who will provide comfort and support.
Casting our burdens upon Him, as you mentioned, is an act of faith. It's acknowledging our limitations and recognising that we are not alone in our struggles. Remember that you are not alone, and that there is always hope to be found in the midst of even the darkest times. If you ever need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to reach out.

@MobilityCat
Thank you, very much indeed xxx

🙏💐❤️ This resonates with me too. My heart is singing the chorus 🎵 How great is our God, sing with me, how great is our God … 🎶

THIS @MobilityCat and @LeaningOnTheEverlastingArms and all, is what I hoped this board would be about. Walking the walk in communion with each other. ❤️

@ThinkingItThroughABit
It might be helpful to pray for some spiritual boundaries. I used to be like you, picking up on people’s pain and carrying it with me. It was exhausting being around people because their trauma became my trauma, I could sense it a mile away and instantly wanted to help.
God has shown me that many of the people in my life that are in pain are creating it themselves, when life is calm for them they will create an unnecessary crisis. I noticed that I had a tendency to do this myself, to find unhappy things to focus on when I could just choose happy things and gratitude. I am learning that I can care for those people and pray for them, but I don’t have to take on their suffering, because they will create more for no reason.
I think God put them in my life to teach me this lesson, and I’m half expecting them to fade out of my life now I have learnt what I need. Everything always does seem to be for a reason although learning these lessons is uncomfortable

That's lovely.

Thank you for sharing your journey. It’s a valuable reminder that we can care for others without carrying their pain ourselves. Setting boundaries while still showing compassion is so important. I’m glad you’ve found peace in this lesson, and I hope it continues to guide you.

I don’t know neither.
A couple of months ago, I was stood sobbing in front of our priest as she tore me apart in the worst way she could have. She then told me to get out, and said ‘thank you’ as I walked off in tears, knowing I was about to get in my car and drive across town. I couldn’t let someone that distressed part from my company and drive, as a Christian and even as a human being.
Several months have passed and I pray for her but am struggling to go to church. It has not affected my faith. I ask Jesus to hold me and walk with me, and I know he does. But I am so lonely in faith at the moment.

@Nextyearhopes I am so sorry you went through such a painful and isolating experience. It's heartbreaking to be hurt, especially by someone you trusted to offer care and compassion. Your faith and willingness to continue praying for her, even in your pain, shows incredible strength and grace. Please know you are not alone, even though it feels that way right now. Jesus is truly with you, holding you close and walking with you, as you said. I hope and pray that He leads you to a safe, loving community where you can heal and feel supported in your faith. You are deeply loved and never forgotten, even in the hardest moments.

@MobilityCat thank you. This is it, this is the person who at one point in my life I reckon knew more about me than even I did. The one I confided in, leant on, was held by (literally and spiritually), prayed for and with, respected completely and admired.
I still pray, but feel so alone away from collective worship and my church. I ha e been back twice, but felt I received nothing, as I still feel so traumatized. I may as well have been listening to a lecture on quantum physics.
I do pray for her. Others in church are concerned about my absence but I am not gossiping or bad mouthing. I honestly don’t know how to start processing it.
I hope she enjoyed herself and feels good about watching me crumble right there in front of her.

@Nextyearhopes I'm so sorry you're carrying such deep hurt and betrayal from someone you trusted so profoundly. It’s devastating when a relationship built on faith, trust, and spiritual connection becomes a source of pain instead of healing. Processing something so painful takes time, and it’s okay to feel stuck or unsure of where to begin. Maybe sharing your experience with a different trusted counsellor, spiritual advisor, or another supportive person outside of the situation could help untangle these feelings and start the healing process.
You are not alone in this, even though it feels isolating. Jesus sees every tear, every ache, and every longing in your heart. He walks with you, even now, as you navigate this difficult path. I pray that He surrounds you with comfort, understanding, and people who can hold space for you as you heal. You are loved, even in this brokenness.

@MobilityCat your kind messages have made me cry. Thank you so much.
The irony is, I when this happened I was just about to ‘graduate’ from bereavement counseling. I had done 12 weeks, 7 alone and 7 group sessions with the middle 4 weeks overlapping. It was grueling but I had worked so hard and had made massive progress and was looking forward to telling her so, and moving forward with my life and journey.

I do feel I want to talk about it with someone who understands church (not a secular person) but don’t want trouble. I have spent over 30 years avoiding trouble and being dignified, only for this to happen.
Thank you for listening

You’ve shown so much strength and grace, and it’s only natural to want to process this with someone who truly gets it. Seeking that kind of support doesn’t mean you’re inviting trouble, it’s simply a way to care for yourself during a challenging time. You deserve to be heard and supported in a way that feels right for you. If I can help you in any way please tell me.

Prayer and resting in the Word

Thank you for sharing this, it’s such a thoughtful and encouraging perspective. Learning to set spiritual boundaries is vital, especially for those of us who are naturally empathetic and feel deeply for others. It’s a hard lesson, but realizing that we are not called to carry everyone’s pain ourselves is freeing. God invites us to trust Him with their burdens while still showing love and care without losing ourselves in the process. Your journey of noticing patterns in others and even in yourself, and shifting your focus to gratitude and peace, is such a valuable insight. It’s comforting to know that God uses these situations to grow and refine us, even when it’s uncomfortable. Keep leaning into His guidance as He is clearly working through and with you in this process.

Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt question. It’s clear you deeply care for others, and that compassion is a gift from God. Life's uncertainty is hard, but Psalm 139:16 reminds us that God knows all our days. Focus on the time you have now with loved ones rather than fearing the future. Even in suffering, there are moments of beauty and connection. Ask God to help you notice those moments and treasure them. You’re not called to fix everyone’s pain. Jesus invites us to give Him our burdens (Matthew 11:28). Pray for others and trust God to care for them. Take time to reflect on the good things, even small ones. Gratitude helps shift focus from worry to peace. Remember, you don’t have to have all the answers. God walks with you through uncertainty, and your caring heart reflects His love. Trust Him to guide you step by step.