How to cope with watching people suffer

[ThinkingItThroughABit]

Hi,

I wondered if I could ask for some perspectives on a question I have?

My Grandad was a church Minister and my Mum learned a lot, and has always guided me on how to think about things in a Christian context. I have extremely solid Christian roots to my life philosophy and find that very helpful.

My Mum taught me to accept death happily because of faith in the afterlife and I am fine with that.

But with the NHS being so good at sort-of fixing people up these days, people live with chronic conditions for much longer, and some people suffer a lot before they actually die. My own grandparents died very suddenly, so my Mum didn't give me any guidance on how to cope with having to watch people suffer for long periods before they die.

She also didn't give me any thoughts on how to enjoy the fact that people are still alive, while knowing that they may not continue to be alive for long. These days people may have a diagnosis that means that they might be alive for 2 years or 10 years, but the end may come very suddenly anywhere on that timeline. I have no idea how to cope philosophically with that uncertainty.

I wondered if anybody had any ideas about that?

My DM has Lewy Body Dementia now, so I can't ask for her thoughts on it.

In thinking about people suffering, I'm not just thinking about my DM but about many people, young and old, and those in poverty and those in very challenging jobs, who may be really strung out. I see people struggling in so many contexts, and I wish it didn't tie me in knots quite so much, when I can't do anything about it.

As a child I used to worry about the feelings of inanimate objects, and I'm not super-great at noticing when people are genuinely happy, so I could possibly do with working on that.

Thanks!

Cheerful thread for Christmas...

LOL. Sorry.

Feel free to ignore it. I could bump it again on the 10th January or something.

I think you can cope by helping them as much as you can. Also remembering that God might see death differently to us, more of a welcome home than a goodbye. I found it very difficult when my dad died but after the initial years of pure grief, I am now comforted by the thought I will see him again in heaven.
My DM also has dementia but I am grateful she is not in pain and isn’t really aware of her problems.

Sometimes Christmas Day is exactly when these thoughts come - because whilst we are celebrating abundance we know there is so much suffering.
That's part of the whole point, to recognise the dark and move into some light.
It's not about pretending to be cheery.

Personally op I've always felt like I find God in service. When I'm trying to help empower someone in any way I can with no expectation of a return of any kind, then I think that for me, becomes a lesson in human resilience, empathy and the overall value of human life.

I think that to believe in God you also need to believe in the devil and that there will be bad things in the world and people who make bad choices. If everything was sunshine and rainbows all the time I'm not sure we'd really appreciate life fully. Its all part of a rich tapestry to my mind.

I think it's worth remembering that when things are really hard and painful, God draws near and then we think about all the doctors and nurses and other helpers we have in society who have been led to that career path and are blessed with the knowledge and ability to thrive in those jobs and help many people.

Over the years I've got better about not tying myself up in knots about things, because firstly-i believe in prayer and I know that handing things over to God is doing something, secondly, I'm better able to recognise that someone's pain is not my pain but I do have a duty to care so I'd say my empathy now comes with better personal boundaries (because if you burn out you're helping noone really) and I feel that it's my responsibility to try and leave the earth in some small way a slightly better place than how I found it and to encourage my ds to grow up with the skills to do the same. In terms of prolonged suffering, its really hard and is difficult for anyone watching a loved one go through that whether it's drawn out end of life care, or depression, or struggling in poverty as you say. But I do honestly believe that God provides. He provides helpers and people with empathy and other skills to offer the little relief they can. I agree with the pp who said that for us this feels endless, but if heaven is eternal, then its actually quite a tiny blip on the timeline of someone's overall existence in this life and the next.

I shouldn't really post because I'm not a Christian any more, but when I was, I found reading Jesus' teachings genuinely helpful. There was certainly plenty of pain and suffering in life at that time. I used to find the story of Jesus calming the storm on Galilee and then rebuking the disciples comforting..Also the Sermon on the Mount.

Likewise I prayed in a nonverbal way about people I felt were suffering, just trying to visualise them in the light of God. I sometimes then came ro feel I understood more about what might be helpful actions - things I could do like going to see them, without feeling it was pointless because I couldn't stop their suffering.

I hope you have other sources of help with spiritual matters, do you belong to a Bible study group maybe?

I also found the story of Jonah really helpful- the idea that there's no where you can go, no pain or struggle you can be so deep in that God cannot find a way to reach you.

I work with people who are often looked down on by society and even hated/ mostly women who are violent addicts who have neglected their children. people often ask me why I choose to help them and I suppose from a Christian perspective my thoughts are very much we are all born in the image of god and when you help anyone- know matter who it is, you are helping God.

I wonder if part of it is that as humans we are very driven to problem-solve so we can tend to be extremely aware of problems and a bit oblivious to the good stuff?

So for example, I see my DM's suffering, but I forget the joy that she has in my Dad caring for her and the imaginary children that she looks after.

I see my DSs suffering from medical trauma but I perhaps forget the joy that he can take in defeating his problems if I support him in the right way to do so.

I wonder if maybe I need to start looking for the good bits more actively?

@WandsOut Thanks for pointing that out. Yes it really came home to me today for various reasons. mostly the fact that it is winter and I have a virus probably

I also wonder if it's easier to realise how much we love people when we feel at risk of losing them? Whereas if people are robustly healthy, it's much easier to focus on how they can be quite annoying. LOL.

Atheist here.

One issue, people are in the world for a brief time. We are made of elements forged in the hearts of long dead stars. The fact that we are here at all is a miracle. Any moment of life is a miracle, statistically so improbable that our existence is incredible. Enjoy that.

Issue number two; pain and suffering exists. I have made it my lifelong mission to do what I can. Don't rail at the dying of the light. Be a light. I carry naloxone. I spread what joy and life and resources around that I can. I do a job that is vital and important. I make one person's life better if I can. Do good things.

I also forgive myself if today I'm a bit shit and selfish. I have done a lot, I don't wear a hair shirt if I want. A day off.

society needs better technology overall to better heal humans

By the sounds of it you have a very tender heart and have a lot of empathy for people. I think that is wonderful however it needs to be managed so you don't walk around constantly worrying.
It is Gods job to look after people not yours, He has just asked you to love people which clearly you do.
God has an infinite capacity to help people which He does every moment, we just have no idea.
The devil roams the Earth and often keeping people alive can be about how much money can be made from endless treatment and medical intervention
I recently had a BC diagnosis so faced the uncertainty of life however I would do most things to keep me alive as I have a family. But if it was my time then so be it.
Easy said than done but God says many many times that we are to trust Him. It's impossible for Him to lie so I have no reason to believe otherwise.
Guard your heart so you don't get burnt out.

The other thing that I was thinking was that Jesus did that 40 days stint in the wilderness before he figured out what his life was for.

Maybe when I watch my son suffer, he is doing his 40 days in the wilderness? I'm not sure, but I think that is partly what the teen years are about maybe?

Also everybody goes through frequent phases where they are trying to think through a hard problem, and it might look like suffering at the time, but maybe it's kind of also personal growth?

I suppose that for my parents, their current situation is sort of a personal growth for them and that is private to them, and I just need to stay out of it and let them do their thing, in that sense. I did ask my DM if she wanted to still be alive and she said yes. So just because it looks like suffering to me, doesn't necessarily mean it is suffering to her, perhaps.

Part of my problem is that I am a listener. I listen to people and help them work through their problems, and sometimes I find it heavy work.

If we aren't facing the darkness along with the bright lights punctuating it - is it even Christmas?

Truths will out.

Thoughts will come.

Tears will flow.

We light a candle to remember and hope and pray.

And we connect with what there is to be appreciative of, whether that's the love of a friend, the love we've had in our lives, the moments of peace we hope for others, the calm in our storms, the silence in between tears.

Today I'm sitting with someone who shouldn't be here but is alive.
Today I'm aware it's another family member's last Christmas.
Today I'm aware that friends who lost their child will have prayed for the day to be over quickly.

I've read some terrible haunting news this week I can't silence my mind over.

Any hope we can cast out in spite of this is still affecting the balance of the good/bad of the universe in some cosmic way.

It is perfectly acceptable to sit and turn these thoughts over like a stone in the palm of our hands and then meditate or pray on asking for strength.

@MrsMorrisey Thanks, yes that is the problem. I remember quite clearly as a child crying a lot because I got it into my head that my shoes were lonely. I think on some level I am a sort of worry detector and I got around looking for people who need comfort and trying to hand it out.

I need better armour I think, and possibly much better skills at noticing when people are actually having a massive blast and really enjoying themselves.

@WandsOut Thanks, this is helpful.

I think perhaps my DM gave me an idea that all the world's problems were on my shoulders. Maybe I need to enlarge my world view a bit and realise I'm just one cog in the wheel.

I really like this: "If we aren't facing the darkness along with the bright lights punctuating it - is it even Christmas?"

It's a good way to think of searching for the good bits, like searching for stars in the night sky. I will think about that.

The only concept of the devil that I have is from the screwtape letters. My DM brought me up to think of God as universally good, with there being no devil. I have no explanation of why there are so many shockingly terrible cock-ups in the world, when God is meant to be so nice.

"Just because it looks like suffering to me, doesn't necessarily mean it is suffering to her, perhaps."

This is why it's so important to recognise the difference between someone else's pain and your own discomfort at watching what they're going through. Because being able to seperate that is what helps you to actually listen to the person and learn what they really actually need from you so you can be the most effective helper. If you muddy those waters too much you end up putting on them, what you THINK they should be feeling or what you think YOU might feel if you were in their shoes. And then the person you want to reach actually becomes invisible to you because you're sub consciously working off your own agenda rather than theirs.

For example I work with lots of people in really difficult situations who've experienced extensive trauma, sometimes they do want practical help from me but actually a lot of the time they want a reprieve - they want to sit and chat or take a run out in the car and get ice cream and just for a few seconds focus on the good things in life and be seen as a full person and not just their struggle.

I had a really difficult time earlier this year and I remember telling a friend what had happened and feeling super uncomfortable by how upset she got about it because I hadn't even started to process those feelings myself yet. It was actually quite surreal watching someone grieve my pain that I wasn't yet grieving. What I needed was my other friend who came to see me, was totally neutral until she realised that what I needed was some really dark humour and to hear about her life for a bit because my brain was exhausted and I couldn't talk about my own stuff any more.

Thank you, yes this is enormously helpful.

This is exactly where I am. My DS has cPTSD from medical trauma, and I am listening to him talk about the intrustive thoughts in his head. I find it totally paralysing. When he tells me the problems I somatise them immedaitely in my gut and find it hard to breathe or eat, because I'm so paralysed by it.

I wonder if, in a Christian context, I almost need to have God there with me as a third person in the room, who can take all my DS's pain so I don't need to carry it all?

That would help with my DM too because she is telling me incredibly traumatic things on the phone and I just find it crushing. I don't know how to handle it at all.

I think that's a good idea, reminding yourself that He's here, asking Him to hear your sons words like a prayer and handing it over to Him.

Equally op watching your child go through that is incredibly difficult because you are incredibly close to that. He's your child and you want to protect him and 'fix' everything for him. So I'd say that some Christian influenced counselling would help with that as well. I get supervision and work within a robust framework to make sure I stay resilient when faced with lots of pain - you need to create your version of that?

@Lavender14 Thanks, yes I absolutely need professional supervision as though I was working as a clinical psychologist. I used to have it but now my DS is home schooling I can't get that without him sitting alone when I'm on the video call, so it's become a bit challenging.

You're quite right. That is what I need.

I only just convinced my DS to start talking about the trauma last week. I was very very surprised that he took to the idea like a duck to water. He's been fairly deluging me with lists of grim mental images since then, and I'm sinking even as he is rapidly floating to the surface. I feel like I've struck gold, but am totally unprepared for the knock on effects.

We have psychotherapy appt weekly with a child psychotherapist. Maybe I could nab some of that time to debrief?