i think my 11yr old ds has anxiety

[candycanesonthexmastree]

this has been going on for a few weeks ,when someone is ill he reacts strangely - he paces the room cries and cant sit still.
last night he was very bad he couldnt sleep and got himself worked up that he was ill and was gonna be sick ,his mind ran away with him and thought it meant he would have to go to hospital.
he kept yawning and dry retching( signs of anxiety) as i have suffered from this before.
another thing that scared me he said ' mum do you sometimes hear your friends calling your name in your head?'#
i think i need to talk to the gp
it doesnt sound good
he had to sleep with me last night.

It sounds like it would be an idea to speak to your GP. My DD is nearly 11 and has had counselling for nightmares which started after a bereavent. She said about felling like something inside her controlled her writing during a session which got her packed off to a psychiatrist.

He's happy there isn't anything underlying going on and she's back to the counsellor for anxiety management in January.

didn't want to leave this unanswered

yes, he does seem to be very anxious

is he normally a sensitive kinda boy ?

has something big happened recently that is really preying on his mind...a family bereavement, divorce for example

Yes, speak to your gp

good luck

he is a very sensitive boy and cares deeply for me and my dh and kids ,if any of us are ill he worries so much .
he seemed ok this morning but did tell me he was still yawning.
im so scared

i cant think of anything that would of triggered it , me and dh did have an awful row the other night ( we dont do this normally in front of the kids)

i have just called the school to ask to speak to his teacher about him and the receptionist just told me he has complained of stomach ache so they might send him home.
ive made an appointment to go and see the gp tomorrow by myself so i can discuss my worries.

Which school year is he in yr6 or yr7?
I'm glad you've made a Dr.s appointment and are going to speak to the teacher. try and speak to the teacher before the Dr if you can.

My ds is 10 (yr6) and has suffered from anxiety in the past. His was a combination of being bullied/not accepted by both his peers and his teacher. He had years of headaches and stomach aches which the school didn't tell me about because in their view it was just him mucking them around wanting attention.

he is in year 7 im waiting for a phone call from the school - im thinking all sorts - kitty what do they do for anxiety in childern?
can you tell me more please i need to understand whats going on ,i dont want him to think there is something wrong with him
do you think its anything to do with his hormones?

ok so ive been on the phone to an organisation called young minds the lady was lovely and she reassured me ,she said i need to be more firm with him and to reassure him that he is ok and not to worry - she said the more i baby him the worse he will be .
she is going to send me an info pack with helpful tips on how to deal with an anxious child.

bumping for any advice tia

It could be any number of things. Anxiety is hard to pin down in children. As you mention hormones start to kick in. It's a tough age for children (and their parents!).

When we first went to the Dr they told us to have a good look at everything: homelife, school life etc. To talk to his teachers to see what their thoughts were.
We did that and it all stemmed from the school they denied it was their fault and said he probably had some form of autism (by this point ds was self harming) and insisted we went back to the Dr.s to get referred to CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services). We saw a psychiatrist who talked to us and ds did some questionnaires. He agreed with us that it was the schools fault and sent a letter accordingly. Unfortunately it was only an hour and half meeting and the anxiety didn't get discussed much and kind of got forgotten. The school have since bent over backwards to help ds. Every term they take a group of children out of lessons to do a program on self esteem and confidence boosting. This really helped ds and gave him strategies to deal with stressful situations.

You say he saw you have an argument. Have you talked to him about it? We've found it helpful to be (almost) completely honest with ds. Everybody argues, is sad, can be horrible to other people but equally they make up, are happy, and are kind. It's been a long hard slog to get him to identify things that are beyond his control and to see that not everything is his fault. It also helped us to be impartial. It's very easy to become wrapped up in it. Our anxiety would feed his. Don't worry about you making him think that something is wrong with him, he probably already does think that there is. Ds's happiest day was when the psychiatrist told him he was "normal". From then on things have only got better.

I used to dread the phone ringing as I thought it'd be the school. Make yourself a cup of tea/coffee put some loud music on and get busy. Your doing the right things.

thankyou so much for your help - im going to sit him down and talk to him about the row and hopefully get him to see that mums and dads do sometimes row but it doesnt me we dont love each other.
i think he really does feed off me - when im happy he is - when im sad or anxious myself he is down - its like we are intwined iyswim
im so sad that i have passed this awful thing on to him - its my worse nightmare.
i imagined that when he was an adult he may suffer but not this young

Goodness don't think that it's your fault. Mental health problems run in our family. I was distressed that ds was suffering and that he'd picked up on something from me and thought "goodness he's going to have a whole life time of feeling like this". See it as your job to fix it. You're in the best position to deal with it as you understand how he feels. We're a lot more honest and open with our emotions as a family now. Ds is honestly so much better now and I know he now has some excellent mechanisms in place to deal with things. Some people just need a little more direction than others. I made it my job to show him the way!

We found this book helpful. It's not necessarily all about bullying. We worked through it together and both got a lot out of it.

what are the mechanisms?
i think i just need some help on how to help him

Simple things like counting to ten to calm down. To realise that he needs to help himself in a stressful/anxious situation to regain control of his emotions. He now thinks through what could happen in a situation and goes through it to see what he could do to make himself feel better. All this is after a lot of talking with ds.

Try and do something fun and relaxing with him first. Something he likes doing. My ds loves drawing. So we'd draw togeather and he could laugh at my attempts to draw. Then try and talk to him when he's calm and relaxed.

You're going to see the Dr tomorrow. Write everything you want to discuss and have concerns about down.

I hope it goes well.

hi i am watching your post for tips too my ds hes12 has anxiety i have just had him assessed they said he needed cognetive therapy your son sounds similar my ds has has migraines,tummy aches,since age 9,it was brought on by bullying so his anxiety is school!!!we are seeing camhs think i will buy that book didnt realise there were lots of kids who suffer with anxiety,good luck

oh and my ds slept on my floor for about a month as he couldnt sleep .have now been recommended to have melatonin so he will sleep before 1am.

well due to the snow here today i had to cancel my appoinment at the gp but have re booked for monday - he sort of calmed down last night after we had a long talk and explained things are ok
he slept well in his room after watching gavin and stacey,had a good day playing in the snow with his mates but this evening while i was putting his little brother in the bath he freaked out coz little ds has a sore red arm from his pre school jabs - his mind went into overdrive, he was crying pacing up and down peeing loads and kept wanting a hug - i have talked him down a bit and hes now watching lee evans for some laughs.
jesus this is so hard

can i have some words of support im really finding this hard i dont know how to deal with this - weather to baby him or not - i feel like im doing it wrong

Go with your instincts - obviously his worried are not going to happen, so let him know that, but also give him all the love he needs - if he asks for a hug, give him one.

Maybe ask him what you could do to make it better?

Does he have any hobbies? I always knit when I'm anxious about things - maybe you could buy some paint by numbers kits/models to build to take his mind off it?

I hope he's feeling better soon - it's tought, but you're doing so well already I'm sure you'll find the strength to get through it.

I am no expert, but I would give him LOTS of reassurance and physical contact (as an aside do you have a pet? helping stroke an animal can calm people down massively, and will help hi realise pets get ill/die and that life goes on afterwards). I would also reassure him verbally, but not pandering to him. So he says "my brother has a red arm" you ask him why thats a big deal? he tells you he thinks he's going to die or something which is bothering him. I would laugh at his concern, make light of it, say DIE?! why on earth would he DIE from an injection. Not to ridicule him or make him feel weird, but for him to realise he is being silly, and needs to sort things out in his mind. I would then talk him through it using examples ie aunty betty had a hideous stomach ache, she couldnt breathe, was RUSHED to hospital and the doctors took out her appendix. 2 days later she was home, perfectly fine. So even REALLY SERIOUS pains can be dealt with, and look at aunty betty now, you'd never know she'd been ill - lots and LOTs of conversations like that, to show him that this is part of life.

I sympathise, because I am a fairly anxious person and do have hang-ups about serious illnesses and death, and I take on other people's worries. For me this has got worse as I have got older BUT, and this is a big BUT, I have managed to suport my mum throughmy dad's recent op for lung cancer, and support my dad through chemo, all of this happening just as I gave birth to my first dd and had the baby blues. I am able to "normalise" things and realise EVERYONE worries about death, ding, getting ill, but that these things I cannot control. So it's ok to worry about them from time to time, but not to obsess or panic.

I feel things deeply but shut down emotionally very quickly when having to deal with things that concern me. I am not particularly emtionally "intelligent", have a google and see what I mean about this, it is hard to explain.

But as I say, I am no expert, but having lived through this anxious life (without ever being medicated or seeing a professional btw, and not feeling the need to even mention this to anyone except you!) I think it is important that he realises this is not "normal" behaviour and learns how to rationalise his fears in his mind so he can relax.

Finally (i promise ) does he do much sport? sport/running helps me work off my anxiety and stress so I am more able to cope.

do you think i should get him a diary to put down how he is feeling ? would that help?
i just find myself wanting not to spend time with him and i know that sounds awful doesnt it but i dont know how to deal with it - i feels so so sad about it - im blaming myself

Don't blame yourself because it's really not your fault.

Maybe get him a diary. Does he want to write his feelings down?

Could he write his feelings on a piece of paper and them throw them in the bin so that they've gone away? Or could he put them somewhere so that he can deal with them later when he's calm?

I think the best thing is for him to remove them from his mind for the time being - he might be able to see how unreal they are after half an hour/when he's calmed down.

You're doing really well and he needs you to spend time with him now more than ever - please don't hide away from him.

he doesnt really have any hobbies and he's not sport minded - he loves computer games and going on the pc and reading.
i would love him to do some knid of sport to boost his confidence but its hard as he feels he wont be good at any of them
i suggested karate or kung fu

im scared that when he gets like that i wont be able to calm him down

You will be able to calm him down because you're his mother (and a very caring, concerned one by the sounds of things ).

He will be fine and he will come out the other side of this.

Kung fu/karate sound brilliant, because they're about thinking as well as moving.

Does he have a 'safe space'? This somewhere he can go when he needs to calm down. Try putting a sag bag/cushion in a corner and tell him that this is a place where bad thoughts can't reach him and that it is his to use whenever he wants. Tell him that when he is in this space he can do whatever he wants and also maybe ask him if he wants to decorate it with photos of nice times which he'd like to think about when he's in a state.

hes been ok today so far - worrying about something he had in his eye - lots of cuddles and reassurance,night times seem to be the time he cant settle.
still going to see the gp this week though

candy i'm really sorry to hear you and your ds are going through this
my son has been through similar, although not as severe.
i frequently spike his squash with rescue remedy. there are also children's remedies specifically designed to help with children's anxieties.
i also taught ds to control his breathing when he gets panic attacks - he breathes in for 3 seconds and out for 5. when he can't sleep cos his minding is racing i advised him to count backwards from 300.
my ds is a keen gamer, it's his escapism, but he can get very stressed if he has to jump back to reality too quickly, so i give him lots of warning before he has to stop what he's doing ie 'we'll be going into town in an hour', 'half an hour til town'.
we also talked alot about his worries, as well as giving him oodles of reassurance, i was also firm with him when his worries were irrational, and asserted the point that it's impossible for him to be the only person with worries etc, and gave him lots of examples. i have also spoken to him alot about worrying less about other people judging him, as his anxities are primarily social.
it does sound tho as if your ds' worries are about losing the people he loves and needs so i think you need to talk to him in a factual way - ie millions of people get colds every year and they're fine.
not forgetting lavender oil under his pillow of course
finally - best of luck x