Rights as daughters primary carer

[klc98]

My daughter’s father keeps demanding schedule changes at least once a month. She is 13 weeks old and he is planning to move county which I do not consent to her leaving Newcastle.

his mother is overly involved and said he is depressed everyday and that “they as a family” take care of her when it is his sole responsibility as a father not his parents.
he has a history of drug use and previous criminal charges in relation to this.
do I have the legal right to pause visits until mediation as he wants set days but doesn’t agree to what I come up with. I fear this will highly impact her health and development and make her anxious due to being away from me overnight for 2 nights which I don’t consent to

If he is on her birth certificate, he has the same rights as you. However, it’s clear there are red flags here, and safeguarding checks need to be done.

I do not want to stop his visits permanently but due to his lack of communication and manipulation in his messages and his mother being overly involved I no longer feel comfortable sending her with them for a visit. I’m waiting for a mediation appointment- I have too many concerns now with him not communicating to me about his family’s move out of county. I simply do not trust him or his family’s move and would prefer to have set days (as per his request) through a contact centre

His parents also have a history of smoking illegal drugs and he was in the newspaper in relation to selling them

Unfortunately, mediation does not do any safeguarding checks. Unless you were a victim of domestic abuse, they will only act in a platonic “both parents deserve relationship” way.

If you want safeguarding checks done, you need to contact child protection services or apply to the courts via a C100 form, and again, unless you have been a victim of abuse, the courts will have wanted you to attempt to mediate first.

Right now, you’re very early days into motherhood, is this your first child?

You can stop contact ofcourse, but he may apply to court if you do. If what you’ve said is true, it’s unlikely he would - but his parents may pressure him to.

It is my first child yes. I am waiting for a mediation appointment it their building was recently vandalised. I don’t want to permanently stop his visits as her has rights. She lives with me full time. She is constantly unsettled when she returns from his care. I just want to PAUSE his visits until we can get a set schedule. He gets 13hoirs every other weekend as we alternate Sundays. On the weeks he doesn’t see her on a Sunday he sees her twice during the week 4pm till 8pm however he is involving other mother who let their children stay over night with the fathers. Every parent is different and she is too young in my opinion due to her routine

What the fuck are you doing letting him have her without you, for such a long time. That’s not remotely child centred. She’d be distraught being away from you even if he was providing the safest most loving care. She’ll be thinking you have abandoned her. Babies that age have no concept that you will come back

Three or four times a week, with you present, for a couple of hours is what you should be doing.

I have felt majorly pressured by his mother (who he lives with) I recommended he have her a few hour a couple of times a week and have said he can come to my home and his mother has told him to stay away and he said he doesn’t want to be around me. I’ve tried to come up with compromises and he just doesn’t like them. I feel majorly pressured to make them happy. I’m not sure if they have accounts on here or I would post the messages.

when I told him I was pregnant he demanded I get an abortion and said he’d “turn up at doors” if I didn’t respond.
I don’t want him to have her without me there but he is not willing to put our differences aside for my daughter’s sake and I am. I don’t know what to do at this point

I personally wouldn’t be letting my brand new baby out of my sight. However, it sounds like you’ve had a baby with someone you’ve either not had a relationship with or had an unhealthy relationship with. Furthermore, he’s on her birth certificate despite your knowledge of his history, and I think context is needed here. I don’t want to be unkind.

She should not be away from you overnight at 13 weeks old. And with the drug taking there are safeguarding issues. This is a matter for the courts maybe but I do hear horror stories about family court in the uk. Perhaps talk to social services about your concerns regarding his drug taking.

This sounds awful.

All cards on the table.. Would you rather make them happy or keep your child safe?

It sounds like he never wanted you to have her, so why is he on her birth certificate?

She is tiny, she should not be away from you for so long. If you’re going to maintain a relationship I would be looking for more frequent but much shorter contact. An hour or two every other day, with you present. Babies do not care about rights of fairness, they need to have a secure attachment with a carer to thrive.

Is he on the birth certificate and has parental responsibility? If so, he has the same rights as you do. He can do as he thinks best. His moving out of the county is irrelevant. Your “consent” is irrelevant. However, if you have safeguarding concerns, you need to flag these immediately.

He is on her birth certificate- I’m not disputing that. My fear is he will take her without my consent and I do not know his moving address and he neglected to tell me about moving . I want to keep my child safe - due to his past awful attitude towards me I feel I have to make him happy. I have attached some messages of his past behaviour when o was 8 weeks pregnant. Not once did I tell him he had to have any involvement in the pregnancy but I told him regardless I was keeping the baby.

I have attached images that are under review (he sues foul language in them)

He apparently changed his mind after a conversation with his nan and when she was bit. He demanded to be on it and didn’t want me to get her registered without him.

Look - you need to step up here. You need to prioritise your baby, not keeping them happy. Channel your inner mama tiger.

I honestly don’t understand.. did you tell him you were on the pill or some other form of contraceptive?

This is a messy situation that you must hold yourself accountable for creating, and now your baby is suffering the consequences. There are huge safeguarding concerns on his side also, that need to be addressed. I suggest you contact child protective services for advice and support.

I did not create this situation intentionally but I disagree with abortion. I am fully financially responsible for her and I’m mentally responsible enough to look after my daughter.

I took responsibility for my actions. He “did not know” me getting pregnant was still a possibility even though I was on the pill. He asked before anything happened and I told him I was on the pill. Nothing is 100% affective. I have never had any pregnancy scares in the past - I had never been pregnant in the past.

Cut all contact with him. Give and accept nothing to/from him. Do things your way.
Let him go through court then show the solicitor these messages

I’m done trying to keep them happy - my daughter’s safety and well being are more important.

I have decided to temporarily pause his visits with her until mediation and contact center so he can have the set day he has requested.

I was willing to let him come to my address and put our differences aside for our daughter however he does not want to do that, I have offered alternatives that he simply doesn’t like so o am now taking the legal route.

He can send me all the abuse he wants but it will not help his case if he applies for a court order. I wouldn’t put it past him or his family to try anything. I have seemed advice in pausing visits and have been told in within my rights to do so as in her primary resident carer. She lives with me full time I take care of everything financially for her as he doesn’t contribute (sending a tub of formula once a week is not a substantial contribution)

that is my plan. I fear he may try and twist things but I have kept every single message screenshot and message thread starting from when he told me to get an abortion

I agree she shouldn’t be away from me for this long. Whenever I mention I’m not comfortable with it him and his mother make things very difficult. She has recently stated he is depressed everyday and they as a family take care of her. It is not her responsibility it is her fathers, I now cannot trust he is fully capable of looking after her on his own without his parents

He wouldn’t be going anywhere near my 13 week old.

I’m at a loss on what to do. He wants his visits to work around his schedule and revolve around his wants and not around our daughter’s schedule. This is the way I’m taking alot anyways. He wants her 4/5 days a week which is inappropriate for her age to be away from me this long