Very pompous and rude doctor

[Eldaddy]

Hi, I am new here and wanted to join to specifically see what mum's or dad think of this doctors visit.

My five year old isn't pooping right now cause she is actively choosing not too, saying it's sore when it comes out. This has happened before which resolved and maybe she had a big poop and that hurt a bit, so she has remembered and got scared again.

It's been a week now so I took her to the doctors. She was scared to go to the doctors cause she doesn't want anyone touching her bottom and that's absolutely fair. So I carried her in cause she's my baby. We got into the room and the doctor asked me to lay her down on the table. I tried and tried and she would not lay down and I have up saying " look mate, she won't do it, I can't force her "

He said to me " Well I'm afraid Gary you are her father and you have to make her, that's what being a Dad is, you really don't have a choice, make her lay down thya your job as a Dad "

I was absolutely raging at that told him that I don't really feel happy pinning down my five year old, so let's just leave it ok.

We sat down and he said I need to find a way to make her do what I want, even if it means hurting them sometimes that sacrifice has to be made as a parent. They might hate you for it but it's for the greater good.

I told him directly and quoting the " Don't tell me how to parent, don't judge how I parent and don't you ever tell me what I need to do or don't need to do, you are vwifn rude and I am not happy with you, what's your name. Got his name and then he apologized for being rude but denued he was. I said again " you are rude and you have not actually helped, you have just hammered me with judgement and no advice on how to actually get her to go up on the table.

He said that he didn't intend it that way and then said to me I was anxious and if I am anxious that's why she is anxious. He said " see look she's not anxious, you are and she won't go on the table cause you are anxious so be calm sir"

I said she has been the doctors with me once or twice, once I think and it was the same then but we had a female doctor and she was great. No issues, so maybe it's you mate, maybe she doesn't like your vibe, either way don't ever tell me how to parent.

He said he has six kids and five girls so he knew what to do and all his kids got up on the table and no issues that's where I need to get too. I said SHES FIVE, NOT 12, FIVE. I said now you are comparing your kids to my kids and that's crossing a line, you are not offering help you are just saying how great you are and how shi* I am doctor.

He said he was sorry again so I ended the conversation and said " right let's find another way, and he offer e a other way he said ok let's just check her standing up, and she did stand up and I held her arms and he got a wee feel and said nothing was an issue, but the pooping issue could be a little bit of fear. He suggested not to mention pooping to her and that might take the pressure off her. That I agree with and we will just give her the laxatives and not mention it, even when she does eventually poop we won't make a big deal of it, just a normal response.

He spoke to me very close to my face and down to me I felt, and I just stared at his eyes the whole time and was not being intimidated. I wasn't angry, I wasn't even anxious.

And here's the crunch, I actually suffer from severe anxiety lol but he wasn't getting to know that.

He shook my hand and I said fine we were fine but I don't like being spoken to like I am beneath you cause I am not. He then said as I left " yeah she's got you wrapped around her finger "

My wife will come with me next time and we will talk to her about the doctors and even show her what to expect and how it's not scary

So what's your thoughts

Your poor kid.
Listen to the GP, you’re being unreasonable, and that’s me putting it mildly.

My thoughts are your child could easily turn septic and become seriously ill if her bowel is impacted and it ruptures.

What is your job? Have you ever had one? Ever worked in a demanding patient focused role?

Your entire interaction sounds confrontational and entitled. You sound like a not nice person at all.

The Dr was just trying to do his job.

BTW one of my DC had this too. It is very challenging but as a parent I had to do uncomfortable things like administer an enema to my child. His Dad had to hold him down while I administered it. Why? Because I wanted to avoid them being rushed into hospital with a ruptured bowel. It worked. They got better. My DH and I did our job as their parents. The Dr helped us immensely during their treatment. We respected their medical knowledge.

What do you thinks going to happen to your DD now?

As someone who had to pin their child down while they had one of many lumber punctures I think the DR had a point!

he needed to feel her tummy to treat her - not sure why you took her if you didn’t want her treated

Your poor child and the poor Dr trying to help.

What do you want from this?

You have made this a HUGE BIG DEAL now. Dad shouting at the Dr gives a 5 year old the impression the Dr is dangerous in some way.

Doesn’t sound good! For your little girl though, mine was similar and we were told to use lactulose which worked well - good luck

You sound incredibly rude, pompous and confrontational yourself in this interaction. I feel sorry for the Dr.

Ultimately they have a limited amount of time for a consultation and he needed to presumably feel her stomach which would have been easier and probably more efficient if she was lay down. I appreciate a scared child might not always act the way you want and that must have been difficult and maybe embarrassing for you in the moment but I genuinely don't think the Dr did or said anything wrong in this interaction (until perhaps the comment about having you wrapped around her finger - (he may have thought it but was probably antagonistic to say given the rest of the interaction).

You definitely weren't a calm and reasonable presence for your daughter in this instance.

You can’t just use lactulose without being examined properly. It can make the possibility of rupture even worse if it is used in appropriately.

It’s not a power competition, I’m not trying to be mean but I think you need to calm down a little bit and focus on your child more than who knows what and who doesn’t.

I think you were both difficult.
But I admire your memory for recall of the full conversation.

One of my children has had a lot of hospital operations. Alot of tests/prodding by doctors since they were 1 years old. It's awful and difficult getting your child to do something they don't want to do probably because they are scared. But you've got to find a way with your child to get through these situations.

It sounds like no body handled the situation brilliantly, and you should draw a line under it.

As you say, some gentle work at home around what going to the doctors can entail, the importance of letting the doctor examine you properly. There are plenty of going to the doctor type story books.

For the pooing issue - have a look at the Eric website and use some of that material.

Ffs, you're not supposed to start a fight with the doctor! Have a word with yourself!

A doctor cannot diagnose your child without examining her. And at 5, she is not a baby, does not need to be carried and yes, you as the parent need to respect her fears but be a bit firmer with her.

Your child needs to be PHYSICALLY examined!
the doctor can’t diagnose without feeling her tummy etc
you made into a big deal and sounds like you went in there spoiling for a fight

your child isn’t well - how have your actions today helped her one bit?!
my child has chronic health issues - some procedures aren’t pleasant but there you go - that’s sometimes what has to happen

Bloody hell, you sound like an absolute arse.

You sound a bit chavvy tbh. People like you we’d just roll our eyes at after you’ve left.

There’s a good episode of Get Well Soon about pooing which might help. Also the Poo goes to Poo Land app. The Eric website also has brilliant advice and information.

My very earliest memories are of being pinned down by my mother and medical staff and having procedures and treatments done and those memories really stayed with me and made me never feel able to say no to any medical person, or ask questions. Im sure my mum thought she was doing what’s right and as an adult I know it’s just how things were done back when I was a kid. Knowing and understanding this doesn’t really help with the fight or flight feeling I have in my body whenever I have to attend anything medical. All I needed as a kid was to be believed when I say I can still feel my gums after it had been numbed, or that the area they were about to start stitching isn’t numbed and what would have really helped would have been if my mother explained and prepared me for what could happen.

I would massively struggle if I had to pin my own child down so I do understand that, but your reaction was terrible,  most of her appointment has been spent spending watching her dad get hostile to her doctor because he’s offended at something that was said.  The doctor isn’t wrong, it is your responsibility to make sure your child’s needs are met and medical treatment falls under that.     

It’s common sense that the doctor would need to examine her, did you spend time before the appointment preparing your child for this, reassuring her that she’ll be safe etc? It’s not a case of pin her down or do nothing. I’d also work on your own temper if you want to be treated with respect and keep future doctors appointments as stress free as possibly for her.

I think I was perfectly calm and perfectly brave to stand up and show my daughter that we will not pin her down. Absolutely never happening and to simply talk like my five year old wasn't in the room is not acceptable. She has autonomy of her body and I am very proud of myself in this instance.

Vast majority of people would just let someone talk down to them like that and I showed character.

Thanks for your message

Dude, so if your 5 years old doesn’t want to brush her teeth are you letting her, because it’s her body?
I’m not advocating pinning her down, I’m advocating actually parenting the poor kid, because you’re definitely not doing it.

There's no issue with my temper. Speaking up and saying how you feel about a situation isn't temper. That's called being a decent person. If we all just kept quiet when we didn't like something then the world would be worse.

I talk for my daughter in these instances and I did the right thing.

I know that because in the end the Dr checked her while she stood up.

Next time we will request another Dr who will calmly talk to my daughter before he does anything, or at least make her feel at ease.

Yeah I think I'm doing just fine. I'm sure there are millions of five year olds before now and in the future who will hate the doctors.

Nice try though.

We'd roll our eyes

You sound like a really perfect person. Please tell me how your life is perfect.

Never roll your eyes at anyone else you don't have a clue about

I'll never pin my child down. It's cruel, when she doesn't need too and guess what? If you read the whole thing you'd see that '' she did get examined by standing up ''

Yeah we will find a way. Kids learn and she is 5. People here seem to think she's a teenager. She has hardly been to the doctors often, she's a covid baby, it's new territory for her. One thing I won't allow is her to be pinned down, we can always try again later in the day which I offered. However she eventually let him touch her stomach.

No human on planet earth learns from being perfect every time.

This place is toxic btw, what an absolute field of judgemental people. Not you, and in the five years I've never come on here, and don't know why I started today.

This place cannot be good for mums who look for advice and help.

Yeah we have a plan and to educate more for next time. It will get better every time.