When should child sleep alone?

[MrsWren96]

Hello, my stepson is coming up to 8 but still sleeps with his mum every night he’s with her and his dad everytime he’s with us. He has his own room, but cannot sleep alone. He can’t wait 5 minutes for his dad to go to the toilet without having to be with him. His dad takes it as him missing him and wanting to be near him, but is it something more? He’s still very young for his age and, although advanced in intelligence, he struggles with his motor skills. His mum won’t get him assessed for autism, which was mentioned by school in reception year. I’m worried as he’s started to be bullied at school and want to know how to support him.

Depends on the child but its usually a lot younger than that. If they can have their own room they can start from 1 year old basically. you can have a monitor there but 8 is a late bloomer for sure, or maybe the parents are not giving the room for independence?

I think you’re right about that. The parents don’t know how to say ‘no’ to many things, especially the mum, so the dad feels he has to do the same to avoid the child preferring mum.

One of mine still liked coming in at that age despite living with both parents! Don’t really does vary however in this case it sounds like he is struggling to cope with living arrangements and life more generally so specialised input and guidance is needed. It’s definitely an example where whatever the past history his parents need to properly talk and decide on a strategy for their son’s sake

The child has suffered trauma due to his mother’s string of violent addicts partners since separating from the child’s father. I know this is why he’s incredibly clingy. He’s under social services because of his mother’s behaviour, but they don’t seem to offer him counselling. I feel the child is clearly in need of something to help him with what he’s witnessed.

Any reason his Dad hasn’t asked for a CAHMS or right to choose referal?

Just seen up date. Has he recieved any counselling for the abuse he has suffered?

He has, but social services and the mum don’t think it’s necessary.

All complete child dependent but my 19 month old is in her own room. My 7 year old was from a young age too.

Don’t get me wrong they come and cuddle in mummy and daddies bed but go to their own beds

If dad has parental responsibility he has a right to ask for medical stuff too? Or pay for counselling? Or seek mh support for son? Your poor ss sounds like he has been though the wars. What is your partner doing to help him?

All children are different and my son loved the idea of his own room. My daughter is nearly 7 but still wants to sleep in my bed. I love having her with me as she won’t want to do it for ever.

Trauma and attachment can have a lasting effect. It can also present as similar traits to autism. He does need a block of counselling to allow him to explore his feelings and learn how to process the trauma. Can the school support with this? Some schools buy in services such as Relate.

My daughter is 7 and we still share a bed! She's a perfectly happy healthy girl, but we just both like a cuddle and and chat and a watch of something together before we sleep! I'm a single mother, so as long as we're both happy with those arrangements, then we'll continue.
So it's certainly not an unusual thing for an older child to still share a bed with their parent/s. And seeing your added info about his experience of trauma, I can really see how he may feel more secure sharing a bed. Continuing this would help him feel more safe and secure, so I'm not sure it's something that should be stopped right now. Some kind of counselling to process his trauma experiences would help him too though. Over time, he may naturally no longer feel the need to bed share. Or, he may still enjoy it. He obviously just needs that extra connection and closeness with his parents, and that's ok ❤️

They may not think its necessary but doesn't stop dad from doing a referral himself.

So if this is the case why isn't dad going to court to petition for full custody?

This post reads like it’s sole purpose is to bash the mother.

My 7.5 year old and 4 year old come into our bed most nights in the middle of the night. They’re both confident and independent in every other way, but in the middle of the night want to feel safe and loved by mum and dad. I don’t see anything wrong with it, if everyone is happy with the arrangements.

The key word here is step son.
that alone, tells me that a little boys life has been disrupted and many changes have been made including a step mother and a home where his Daddy doesn’t live any more.
A Mum at home who has to reassure her son who may or not be fragile in his needs and has to accommodate sharing her son outside of the home.
A mum who also may need to live her little boy a little more given his struggles and changes in life.
I think for now, make the home you share with his Daddy a safe,happy welcoming place to stay, accept his struggles and let his mum and dad work as parents to support him.
Just be kind,understanding and accepting.

You can learn about attachment and autism, you might find some of the stuff resonates and gives you more tools to support him. I don’t think any of the tools you will be given would do any harm

Ahh I’ve just read this and if you are so sure it’s because of this and that the professionals aren’t recognising it - maybe you need a change of career?

That's why i said "If"

My DS is 8yr and has never slept a night in my bed. Just creates issues for the future. If he is unwell he might come and lay beside me for a hour or so but then always goes back to his own bed.

DS is 9 and still occasionally comes in the bed usually when he's struggling at school he has SEN so has ups and downs.

I would say with a child that has trauma why wouldn't you allow them that simple comfort, the more they feel safe and supported the better.

I was a little older when I experienced some trauma and I can remember night time in particular being very frightening time when my anxiety would be heightened, I shared with a sibling but I would have struggled to sleep alone.

Compassion is the key here and that his emotional needs are just as important as his physical.

I'm sure he will gradually grow out of it.

As for the diagnosis I never understand why people fight against getting one, I saw something the other day that was a good take on it: it's about knowing if you are a horse or zebra both are similar but each has slightly different needs.

Also children with any kind of SEN can be emotionally much younger which is hard to measure.

DS is 9 and still likes to sleep with one of us occasionally

I think ideally they should be encouraging him to sleep alone. I have always said to my kids that they need to go to sleep in their own beds and I will wait with them if needed but if they wake up in the night and feel worried then they can come in. They both still do at times and they are 10 and 7. I’m divorced too.

It sounds like the child is actually suffering from developmental trauma- if he’s experienced ACE’s (adverse childhood events) then his behaviour may not be entirely ‘typical’ and this would account for the ‘clingy’ness and need to be close to those that provide him with comfort. Behaviours arising from the results of ACES can present as neurodiverse, but help in understanding these can help with the healing process xx