When should child sleep alone?

[MrsWren96]

Hello, my stepson is coming up to 8 but still sleeps with his mum every night he’s with her and his dad everytime he’s with us. He has his own room, but cannot sleep alone. He can’t wait 5 minutes for his dad to go to the toilet without having to be with him. His dad takes it as him missing him and wanting to be near him, but is it something more? He’s still very young for his age and, although advanced in intelligence, he struggles with his motor skills. His mum won’t get him assessed for autism, which was mentioned by school in reception year. I’m worried as he’s started to be bullied at school and want to know how to support him.

The trauma is bringing the attachment anxiety, my husbands mum died when he was 11, he spent the entirety of his years at 11 and 12 in his dad's bed (different circumstances but same end behaviour). Once he'd processed what had happened it phased out. I wouldn't focus on the behaviour (bed sharing) so much as the issues causing it. I'd suggest he needs some support, if you can afford some private help, drama or play therapy works well for that age group. I'd also definitely see what camhs can provide and look online for things you can do at home. Speak to the school about the bullying, that's not his fault, it's the bullies fault and it'll make his issues worse.
My 7 yr old hasn't had any trauma but still does come in sometimes, she has separation anxiety and just knowing we are there sometimes for her really helps. I wouldn't do a tough love "stay out of our room" until you've started to support him with processing his parents divorce and the abuse/violence he witnessed at his mums house.
I'm saying "you" it's his parents really but sounds like you're the most sensible person observing his needs!

A child ‘should’ be capable of sleeping alone (as in own room, own bed) from six months old! But there are lots of reasons why many don’t. My own daughter could sleep alone but up until about age 7 wouldn’t actually fall asleep without me in the room although she could stay asleep all night without me.
Your dss could be anxious and that would be hardly surprising given what he’s been through. He’s going to need a lot of time, patience and understanding I reckon. It’s also going to be quite difficult for you and OH to address it without taking a consistent approach with his mother. He needs to work with her on a plan for encouraging him to sleep on his own. A plan that probably needs to include a comforting, predictable bedtime routine that he feels in control of, perhaps a transition from needing an adult there all night to just needing them to fall asleep to not needing them at all, and possibly some incentives like a reward chart. Is his situation ar mums house settled at the moment? Because if it’s not, change is unlikely until he’s feeling more settled and secure.

That’s unusual, usually social care are very onboard with CAMHS input in these circumstances. I’ve worked in both before

It sounds like co-sleeping is the least of the problems mentioned.

The threshold for CAMHS is sky high. Unless there's a massive drip feed coming there is zero chance this child would qualify for services, which is probably why social services haven't referred.

My son who is also 8 and is diagnosed with autism struggles to fall asleep without having an adult nearby. Since he outgrew his bedside crib at 6 months we’ve alway settled him in his own bedroom but with an adult sat with him. Very uncomfortable when we had to hold his hand through the cot bars 🙈

We used to sit on his bed/next to his bed but then progressed to sitting by his bedroom door and we are now at the stage where we can sit on the landing with his bedroom door open so we are slowly increasing the distance we can be away from him.

I understand the aspect of the other kids, as this is what worries me with my son. Whilst bright, he is more juvenile in his interests then some of his peers and had had comments about his paw patrol hat etc. for me it is more than some of the boys are into much older things rather than he is massively into babyish things. I won’t let him play Fortnite for example as I don’t think that is appropriate for an 8 year old! He is obsessed with Minecraft and he’s allowed Roblox but only when we can see the screen so can see what he’s playing in it. He’s also very aware of not adding people he doesn’t know and gets very irate when randomly people try to befriend him, so at least we have taught him some cyber security measures!