No period at 15 and thinks shes trans

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My daughter is 15. She had a period a few years ago but nothing since.

She is in pubity, she's a healthy weight, ok diet. I don't know what age I started but I think it was early secondary school.

1. When should I worry?

1. She has decided she is trans (whole other issue I don't want to get into) and hates her body etc. I'm trying to sensitively manage that eg sports bras to minimise breasts safely etc but I know she'll be very upset about periods. Could she be secretly taking something to stop them? I've not seen any evidence of this but she is getting increasingly private and sneaky (normal teenage stuff).

1. How on earth do I manage her upset when her periods do start? I am really concerned about this.

My DD had one or two periods in the years up to 16. That was when they sent her for tests for PCOS. And I think it’s best to know what you’re dealing with.]
As for periods, she could take the pill continuously, but that needs a chat with a GP

At 15 you should be looking at having the GP run tests to see why she has not begun a cycle?

And yoy need to start reading to educate yourself on puberty and why hormones are important for whole body development

What do you mean educate myself?

The reason I ask about periods is because online it says not to worry until 16 and with her whole gender thing I don't want to push it if I'll be fobbed off anyway. But 16 seems old.

Age 12 in the uk
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/periods/

By age 15 see a doctor
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/early-or-delayed-puberty/

The "trans" bit has nothing to do with her health.

You suspect that she is self medicating with illegally obtained prescription drug and are faffing around.

You go to your GP and ask them to explain to you what should be happening with her body, what tests are available and what referrals may be needed. And if they would be willing to refer her on for mental health support. And if there is a possibility that the GP is a TRA (not watch and wait) you need to find a new GP.

Once you do that you can have an open discussion with your daughter about how her body is changing.

And if you have decent family support get the older teens and women involved in chatting about how growing up and puberty is always hard as it is a period of transition from a child to a woman. Stop 'acting' as if the changes to her body are a big secret and go with its a shit process some of it will get better and some of it will always be shitty but as women we can help you.

I have always been extremely open with her/pubity/body changes etc so please don't make assumptions. We have had some very honest talks which is why I know how she feels about her body.

I don't think she is taking drugs (prescribed or otherwise) but did want others thoughts.

Unfortunately it is very fashionable to be LGBT at her school and because she's always chosen to have short hair and prefers to be called what happens to be a gender neutral name (she has always disliked the name we chose) people have made assumptions about her and she has been pushed a certain way. She has been regularly mistaken for a boy (very tall, short hair, prefers tracksuits etc) and I think all of this has just made her question herself. Up until about a year ago she was a girl and found it all funny and a bit silly.

I am trying to stay neutral about it all because I want to keep the comms open (whilst screaming in my head) but equally I know any talk of periods etc shuts her down (not embarrasment but because its about being a girl) so I need to handle this carefully and not push her to get defensive over it and double down.

She is changing schools so I am hoping this settles down when she is away from the same people.

She is absolutely 100% not getting any puberty blockers etc. That is simply not happening. We've spoken about that and she understands why.

She doesnt want to (yet?). None of her trans friends are on them as far as I know so that is good.

I didn't have my first period until 16.5, so 15 doesn't sound particularly late.

Could she be secretly taking something to stop them?

I don't think she is taking drugs (prescribed or otherwise) but did want others thoughts.

Which one is it?

You keep obsessing about her being "trans" and ignoring the fact that at 15 her body is not progressing through puberty.

She needs medical support to find out what is going on with her body.

She may need medical support to resolve what is going on in her mind.

You do not appear to be in a position to provide either so take her to a GP.

The first post stated that the child had one at 11-12-13 and puberty has since failed to progress into a regular cycle. So its not just late puberty.

Forget that trans thing, that seems to be a red herring.

GP time, to see why she is in puberty but no periods.

Any chance she's on the pill or other contraceptive that can prevent periods?
That would be more likely than illicit testosterone if she doesn't have other changes.

I do really sympathise with you - we seem to be a difficult age for teens.

I do believe that some people feel that are trapped in the wrong body - I just think its tricky for teens to make life long decisions because their brains are still developing.

I personally would be saying - no one really enjoys having a period but its a function that means, if she wants the option of having her own biological children at a later date, she will hopefully be able to.

Is she neurodiverse by any chance? I think there is such a link to neurodiversity in girls and transgender ideals. Also a lot of neurodiverse children find starting periods very tricky as its change and they find change distressing.

Not sure what your attitude is about tbh.

As I said previously I don't think she is but I wanted some thoughts.

I keep explaining the trans thing is why I have to be very careful. If she wasn't so sensitive about anything feminine or didn't hate her body so much I could just say "we're off to the drs to get your periods checked. Yes it's embarrassing but tough blah blah blah".

But as it is I know I need to tread carefully because this isn't normal teenage embarrassment.

She already feels like her body has failed her. If I then make out like it's not even "being a girl properly" then it will really, really hurt her even more. It will also reinforce then trans thing and of course there is the risk the Dr will support that.

Anyway. Trip to the Dr's is required so I'll have a think about how best approach this with her

Are you sure she’s a healthy weight? Could she be controlling her food intake to stop her periods? For some slim girls, it’s not a big drop in weight that’s needed to cross over the line into having no periods.

Also, I’d be concerned she’s taking something to stop them. When I was at school, one girl sold the pill to other girls. I think she got the pill herself, but didn’t take them, built up a bit of a stash and sold them on.

You’re doing well to keep your patience with the ‘trans’ stuff. Again, I’d be looking at peers or online for people influencing her.

If you can’t find a reason for the lack of periods, I’d take her to the GP, but I’d make sure I chose one who wasn’t going to push ‘trans’ stuff.

I did wonder about this.

She is on the slimmer side of normal but she has inherited her dad's genes so that isnt abnormal iyswim.

She eats OK at home. I know she doesnt always eat /eat enpough at school because of the food they serve, the way they organise it etc but when she gets home she is ravenous and eats everything in sight so I don't think she is purposely avoiding eating. I have started making her breakfast to make sure she has something to eat before school and she wolfs that down too.

She tells me about what she has and hasn't eaten when asked and doesn't seem to have any disordered or unusual patterns/thoughts about food.

My attitude?
You are drip feeding your situation.

You ignored DustyLee123's post which gave a named medical condition while saying you were relying on the internet to diagnose why your child puberty is off.

You have 2 problems.

1 your childs female body is not within expected norms of puberty.

2 your child currently has a mental health condition.

You talked about breast binding but not about periods and you think she will get the idea that its about not being a girl properly.
You have spoken about drugs used to interrupt puberty but not looked at her lack of periods.
You get on great but she is becomming sneaky.

And you pointed out you did not want to get into the "trans" debate.

Its very fashionable for girls to be open about having periods so if that is happening she is an outsider.

So a trip to the GP should not be about being trans but about her growing up.

And if you want a handy excuse for a GP visit go with STI's and birth control.

I wonder if the lack of period could mean she has potentially very low hormones and that is what’s making her feels trans.

I think it’s worth seeing her GP to run
some bloods to check her hormone levels as a start. They may want to do an ultrasound to check her ovaries etc are all ok too.

@AnSolas well you can insuate that I'm a crap parent all you like but at least I've taught her how to read something and comprehend the meaning.

DD started just after 16. I know lots of people who were the same. I went to go at 15 and was sent away.

But that happens sometimes.

Actually that might be a way of approaching it. Rather than be about periods, if I talk about hormones, then everyone has horomes, not just girls. Thanks

ETA to be clear I will make it clear that this includew periods. But then the appointment will be about hormones and general health, not "just girl things".

Begore I get moaned at for making up words: "insinuate" obviously. Not insuate. 🤣

Arrested puberty is a red flag symptom. @AnSolas has given links for late puberty. Either way you need to talk to her and arrange to speak to the GP. Stress she can speak to the GP herself in private if she prefers or you can speak on her behalf.

GP for the periods.

Therapist for the mental health issues.

Putting the trans bit aside, if she had one period a few years ago and nothing since, you should have taken her to the doctor 2 years ago for a check up. It's pretty neglectful that you haven't. Any mother would be out of their mind with worry!! It could be serious. Why have you let this go on? Please be a mother and get her to the GP asap.