6 year old wishes they were dead 😢

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Any advice for how to respond to statements like that? Doctors arranged for January and play therapy but in the meantime I’m not sure if I’m doing the right stuff. I tell her I’d be very sad if she was dead. More sad than anything else could make me. I love being her Mum and she’s clever and funny and kind and lovely. I tell her all the different people who love her and that I’m going to keep finding ways to help her until she feels better again and I won’t stop until she does. Does that sound like a sensible response?

Other people saying they wish they were dead do you mean? Definitely not at home I guess maybe at school but I’d be surprised. I was shocked when she first said it. I was also shocked when she said she didn’t want to exist.

I thoroughly recommend talking to Young Minds.

She’s not coping well at school but typical girl in that she masks amazingly well. School do see some of her struggles though & are willing try to things to help. She has plenty of friends luckily but does say she’s lonely sometimes. Total restraint collapse after school each day. Assessment in January although I’m more hopeful about the play therapy we have starting in Jan as well.
I’m so glad your son is doing well now!

Thanks, I’ll ring them Monday morning.

Poor little thing.
My DD went to CAHMS with anxiety/intrusive thoughts aged 8. But with hindsight it had been going on longer - she's late teens now and also ND.
I think these kids feel very intensely and she's very young to be able to articulate her emotions - she just knows she's unhappy.
One thing my DD found very comforting was to be told that how she felt - whilst unpleasant - had an explanation and could be changed.
I might try and just address making her feel safe but without overly reassuring her about any abstract fears. Does she struggle to sleep?
DD also responds very well to pressure - which she only found out age 14 (and years of struggling to fall asleep). Weighted blanket was a game changer.
How is she with other sensory inputs? Noise/clothes etc?

I’ll try to reassure her tomorrow that we are going to make this better. All I’ve been saying is that we are going to see the doctor and I’ll keep trying to help her and won’t stop. Thinking about it now that not really enough is it 🤦‍♀️ She wakes often but has had physical health issues disturbing her sleep so that been for her whole life. Definitely sensory issues with clothes & shoes etc. I’ll look at a weighted blanket as well thanks.

I found Young Minds really helpful too. I think they're great.

I think you're doing great here. Many of us parents were raised with 'oh don't be silly ' type parents and shut down immediately. Just listen, that's it. That's huge.

I don't want to downplay it but if you can just accept her feelings and descriptions without the fear you will make it worse by saying the wrong thing then you're helping massively. If you don't over react in your conversation, it helps loads I find. Just saying, ah that sounds like a horrible feeling. Tell me more about it, what does it feel like inside? Ah that's tough. What makes you feel better? Ah school makes it worse. That's a tough feeling. I remember times like that too,where school felt so awful. Tell me more about that?

Just having that sort of conversation is immensely helpful I think in my own situation. My problem is I tend to go on too much and need to just shut up. 😆 My son tends to speak like that when overloaded. So talking it through and then getting vigorous exercise can totally transform how he feels.

You mentioned an assessment in January. I think you really need to push for an Autism/ ADHD assessment because I don't care what anyone says - it is significantly easier to get the school to help once diagnosed. It sounds like school and the overwhelm from that is the number one source of stress right now. You want the school to be doing everything possible to ease the stress and sensory overwhelm. I'd be saying to them that you believe strongly that she'd ND and would like their support.

Cazzie David first showed signs of her anxiety at 6. Helps to know that there are other women out there who have got through it.

Have you looked at Zones of regulation? This really helped us to talk about our emotions as a family. It was so much easier to ask ‘are you feeling a bit yellow’? Than to ask a kid an abstract question like ‘how do you feel’?

Kids do find it hard to understand and name their emotions but also look up alexithymia, which commonly cooccurs with autism.

Likewise really start to ask about sensations to try to understand sensory issues or needs. When talking about activities at school ask how it felt, did it feel good, what did it sound like, was it noisy or calm?

Thank you. The assessment in Jan is for ADHD & we’re waiting for an Autism assessment on the NHS because I couldn’t afford both. That’ll be years away though.
I’m also struggling to get her to use some of the coping strategies we use at home like chew toys in school. She says her friends will say she’s a baby. I’ve sent a new kind in to keep in a box on her desk so it’s a start, hopefully she’ll decide to use it at some point.
I will ask them about some quiet time as well. At the moment she hides in the cloakroom to escape.

“She hides in the classroom to escape” oh gosh this is awful 😔 as an ex teacher this makes me so sad. I’m so sorry for you and her.

Could the environment be the problem and not the child? If she’s begging not to go to school? Especially if she’s ND. Unfortunately primary school is not the place it was 20/30/40 years ago.

Could you home school for a bit? School sounds awful for her at the moment, it's just not worth it if it's causing her constant anxiety and misery.

It’s a difficult situation because I’ve already moved her and her sibling once due to him not coping and he’s now much happier. So I don’t want to move them again unless I absolutely have to. They are supportive in the way they know how, but so many are lacking in their understanding of neurodiversity.
This week they were encouraging her to do a Christmas performance when her teacher had been great telling her she didn’t have to and could choose her role. The other staff were trying to help saying they were so proud of her etc. It just piled on more pressure and made her want to please the adults even more. So she forced herself to do it through gritted teeth and misery. One of the TA’s said “she was brilliant, I mean she wasn’t smiling but at least she managed it”. It’s supposed to be fun FFS! 🤦‍♀️
Unfortunately I’ve got an illness that means I’m not able to homeschool, so that’s not an option.

We have Alexa at bedtime with an app called SleepJar. There are some great sounds such as rainfall playing all night. It's so relaxing and you can set a timer. Having some background noise like this can be very reassuring and help get to sleep.

A few parents on a group I'm part of mentioned magnesium spray. I don't know if I believe sprays work. I take magnesium powder myself and tried getting my son to. He wouldn't though as it tasted gross so am trying out spray on his legs. I've convinced him to take a multivitamin. Only reason being there are some studies saying that ADHD brains ( often diagnosed with Autism) can have certain deficiencies which may impact certain things. I think zinc, vitamin D and, omega 3 and magnesium were the top ones reported.

Amazon sell these bracelets for kids that have a zip on. So she wouldn't look babyish. You just zip it up and down constantly on your wrist. Also these keyboard buttons on a keyring. My son takes that to school. Loads of kids have them in his secondary school. Even a large ball of blu tac in his pocket helps him.

Thanks, I’ll have a look at these. She’s getting annoyed with audio books at bedtime, so some calming sounds might be better for her & I hadn’t considered it even though we used white noise when she was a baby.
I’ll have a look at some different fidgets as well. She does take a multi vitamin but I can definitely try magnesium spray. I’ve actually got some for myself that I don’t use often enough & I’m not convinced either 😂 I’ll check it’s age appropriate for her.

Take her out of school. Spend some time homeschooling her and surrounding her with positivity

https://www.additudemag.com/

It's America based but I really value this website. They tend to refer to research backed topics and cover a wide spectrum of issues including mental health struggles associate with ND.

I don't work for Amazon 🤦😆 but here's a pic of the zip bracelets. You could say it's so she can keep her hands occupied, they're quite cool and some Yr 7 kids at my son's mainstream wear these and have these clicker things. They're really satisfying to click if she has one attached to her .

I know it isn't easy with school and home ed just isn't always possible. We couldn't.

I haven’t read all the responses.

Here in solidarity as my DD (7) has started saying this as well. Also probably ND and has had a difficult year.

I don’t think my DD feels like this every minute of the day, it’s more in response to overwhelming situations and struggling with dealing with school. She feels trapped by the system and is appalled at the prospect of another ten years of school.

In between feeling like this she has happy times playing or if we’re doing something together.

I’m trying to not panic re her saying this as a child using those words might not appreciate the extent of the meaning. I take it as her not wanting to be dealing with a situation.

No, I find it recharges her batteries, that it gives her time to think and talk to me, that friendship problems resolve etc. It's also that I'm listening to her so she knows there's an escape if she needs one.

I used to let my son have random days off when he was struggling. It helped us too. Things would get worse as we approached the end of each term so I'd go for a day off near the end usually.
I think it does help recharge alot personally. I would always say it's the law that you have to go in so we will have a day off X and no more until x. Because you can set a precedent and that could be a problem. Also making up a reason which I feel uncomfortable doing. I'd usually say did not sleep all evening feeling unwell - which was usually half true ( poor sleep).

So she's mentioned struggling at lunch time, how have the school adapted to that? Can they provide an alternative space for her to be in maybe with one ot two friends on rotation if that's better?

What about noise reducing ear plugs or head phones?

My child's school has set up little wigwams filled with cushions, books blankets about the place so kids can access a low sensory environment and regulate.

I'm going to PM you a bit more.

Sorry, I just wanted to add that nothing is worth your child's mental health. I know there's lots of logistical hurdles and things aren't easy, but if you get to a point where the school environment is causing trauma I would 100% remove them from it.

There's a great EBSA thread on here where lots of posters have kids who find school very difficult or impossible. Many good suggestions for ways forward either in or out of school on there.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5003192-the-ebsa-support-thread-emotionally-based-school-avoidanceabsence?page=36

I feel the same way that she doesn’t feel like that every second of the day. I think she can be distracted and enjoy things at times. I also feel like you do that she can’t understand the enormity of what she’s saying at her age.
I hope both our DD’s have a much happier 2025!

Thanks, I will definitely consider this next week. She’s definitely exhausted which causes her to be more hyper.

Lots of our ASD children at school say this, so I have lots of experience defusing this. It's an expression of emotional overwhelm and it's also projection - how can I make the people around me understand how overwhelmed I am?

We take two courses of action: (a) lean into it- 'I know you're feeling terrible, I know exactly what you mean, you feel worse than awful, don't you?'. Naming the feeling validates them and they tend to climb down a few notches. (b) Okay, well I'll leave you to feel a bit better and we can talk later. Gives them space to calm down.