Offload - sorry, but having car cry!

[Notalwaydaisies]

I’m not really sure what category to post this under so if it’s not right
please let me know where to put it.

I’m a single mum to 2 kids both with autism, and both with congenital abnormalities (not life threatening but require many check ups and takes a lot of my focus and time). They aren’t social/cuddly kids, mainly due to their autism, they don’t like to be touched/ don’t like busy places like the zoo etc, you get the picture. We spend most time at home as that’s their comfort zone and it avoids meltdowns (well not all of them lol but I pick my battles).

for some reason I am MASSIVELY triggered today and i don’t quite know why. I have a tiny family, just my mum and my sister and they are a
good support to me but very much have their own lives which is great, both happy and doing well. My sister and her husband have very high paying jobs and a 2 year old, and have a lot of help with a live in nanny/housekeeper etc. In contrast I’m on a low income but get by just fine. Genuinely don’t feel envious normally as happy
for them and glad she’s happy.

My mum definitely struggles with my kids behaviour which I know she puts down to naughtiness rather than autism a lot of the time. We’ve had countless conversations about it and have agreed that when She is feeling annoyed by their meltdown/ behaviour she will just leave and go homerather than getting worked up. That works ok most of the time.

so what’s my issue? Well she's just spent a week with my sister and nephew which is lovely for them all. Nice pics, lovely stories about what they’re all up to. Celebrating a big
promotion for both my sister and her husband. All good! But today my mum called from the station to come home sounding very sad so I initially thought something had happened. But it was just to say how sad she is to leave, how wonderful it was to have adult lunches / dinners with just my sister as the nanny is on toddler -duty and how she never gets time with Just me as my kids are always there interrupting and being noisy (mainly when they are stimming) so we can’t go out to eat etc. It went on…how good he Is at sleeping /eating/ eye contact / responsive play (all things my 2 simply can’t do) and what a wonderful feeling it is to be loved and hugged by her grandson and how sad she is to leave that as she’s never had that with mine(they live 3 hours away).

For some reason it really triggered me. Felt like almost a comparison (in a
Bad way) to my 2 and my parenting and it just hurt. But I don’t know why, It’s lovely she has a grandson who can do all that and make her happy but somehow it hurts that my 2 don’t do that to me and I just live with that as I’m used to it but to hear how sad she is to leave “the sweetest little boy” has sparked some stupid jealous hurt in me that’s left me in tears in the car after school drop off which is insane I know.

no friends IRL so offloading here. prob just need someone to tell me to pull my big girl pants on and let it go. but right now I want to hide under a duvet
and feel sorry for myself which realllllllly isn’t like me.

Gosh. She’s entitled to think it but some things really should remain unsaid. I hope you’re okay.

I feel so so upset! Literally sitting having a quiet cry in my car! And that is just so not like me. It’s silly as of course she loves him and how sweet and cuddly
and responsive he is and how happy she is they are all so successful career wise but for some reason I feel like a failure today as I’ll never have any of
that and it’s hit me like a weird ton of bricks. thank you for being kind 💞

That's not a jealous hurt, your mum has been thoughtless and that is cruel to you.

She's allowed to think and feel those things but putting it to you like that is poor. You are not her therapist or her doormat.

It sounds like you are doing the best you can, keep at it 💐

Oh wow I think that was really unkind of your mum to draw comparisons like that.

All children are different regardless of any kind of disabilities to throw into the mix.

i don’t know what your relationship is like but could you tell your mum how the conversation made you feel?

Take care of yourself, it’s sounds tough for you

Thank you, I do try my best but so very often get it wrong. Every
day. This morning my son caught my glasses as he was giving me
a really hard hug and got angry (something that happens when he’s dysregulated ) and cut my eye with the arm of them and it really hurt. I then got her call and It is weirdly like it’s the straw that broke my back.

Tbh I don't think she's wrong to have those feelings or to express them BUT she's wrong to have chosen you as the person to offload that onto. Totally tone deaf and I'm not surprised you are upset OP, anyone in your situation would be.

I take it your DM is single. She needs to find another confidante for this type of thing, a friend, or cousin, or sibling, or whoever. It's not exactly the same situation but we have this sometimes in my family where my DM often uses me to offload onto, espececially regarding my DSis, and it often is just totally inappropriate and winds me right up. And DH has this with a single aunt of his which is a whole different kettle of fish too.

I don't think there's much to say now really but if anything like this happens again in future I'd cut her straight off at the beginning and explain it's not appropriate for her to be discussing that with you and she needs to talk to somebody else about it.

We have a good relationship but she’s older now (82) and her social empathy has definitely waned over time! She would never mean to hurt me but she can be quite blunt xx

She is indeed single so that is very perceptive and she does offload to me. Normally I’d be ok with it but for some reason this one stings.

You should tell her how much her remarks hurt you. There's really no excuse, she was very thoughtless.

It does sound that she misses having one on one company with you. And is realising she won’t get the typical granny type relationship with your children. But you are entitled to feel sad as you won’t have that either. TBH most people don’t have a nanny so going out together involves a child friendly place and constant interruptions so your sister is lucky. Do your children go to nursery/school? If so maybe arrange an outing with your Mum where you can discuss this. You are doing a brilliant job!

Oh please don't cry quietly, let loose and bawl your eyes out, you sound like you really need a good cry!

That was horribly insensitive of your mum. I can relate a little as I have a fabulous niece who has never done a thing wrong, slept through at 6 weeks and has continued doing everything right. This is in sharp contrast with my kids, who never slept and have some SEN, so get overwhelmed easily and need a lot of input. I know my parents sometimes struggle with my kids (so do I!) but they would never let on, and never compare them unfavourably to my lovely niece.

You sound like you are doing brilliantly in very difficult circumstances, so fair play to you.

Have a massive cry, then spend some time recognising everything you are achieving, every single day, by providing such a loving home for your beautiful children.

You might consider letting your mum know how much she has hurt your feelings, if your relationship can cope with that.

Oh @Notalwaydaisies 💐

My two kids are autistic too. My husband once joked like it’s living life set to “hard mode” but some days it isn’t funny. It’s OK to have days when you just wish things could be easy and straightforward, and wish you could do normal everyday things that other families take for granted.

Luckily their grandparents mostly just accept them as they are, for all their quirks and foibles. But I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t noticed my youngest child being overlooked by some family members because he isn’t good at interacting with groups of people (he’s lovely on a 1-1 basis), doesn’t really initiate conversation and isn’t that affectionate. But he’s almost 9 now and the dynamic is what it is. And most importantly, HE isn’t bothered, it’s just me.

It must be so hard to have a sibling with a seemingly perfect life, making your life so look much worse.

Thank you all for your kindness. I’m desperately trying to pull my
socks up and drive home
to tidy up the bombshell from
this morning and fix my glasses. thanks for making me feel not alone. x

You sound so sweet. I just want to give you a hug x

I’m still in the car. Omg I need to get over this.

I’d LOVE a hug.

A work van is now looking at me with concern. Fairly sure he doesn’t need my life story nor can he help (I think😂) so going to force self
to drive now x

Sending you a big hug. I have an autistic teenage daughter and, while I adore her and am her advocate and closest companion, there are times I grieve the life / relationship I thought she and I would have together. Here you have layers of that grief so your mum is experiencing it (and perhaps should have chosen someone more neutral to express those feelings too) and it has triggered yours too. It is ok to have these feelings and to feel angry that your mum has burdened you with hers, but if it's a close and loving relationship then do talk it through once you've had chance to reflect and calm down.

Empathy is exhausting and hard and your mum sadly today had a complete failure of it - yours is allowed to falter too and you are allowed to feel the feelings.

A cry now and again is good for you- go for it
I have a child with autism who was more likely to punch me than hug me but it’s better now she’s older!
I do think your mum was a bit insensitive to express these feelings to you so strongly. I guess she’s got form.
Take your virtual hugs from mumsnet!! Best wishes to you OP

I think you’re right, I try so hard to love and accept them for who they are but It hurts to hear how much “more” my mum gets from her other grandchildren. As if somehow mine are a failing. and that I am as a parent. I try my best but get it wrong and just….ugh today. Thank you all for your hugs, I so badly needed them x

You know, this is a long haul situation. This may be a moment for you to see whether there is anything you can put in place to help. Not because you aren’t doing a fab job but because you are already overly challenged and need to take every opportunity for any respite you can. Including emotional honesty.

I probably haven’t explained well but- you shouldn’t be supporting anyone except you and your kids. She’s actually noticed and commenting on a real problem, but to the wrong person.

Have a chat with your sister and ask if she can take the pressure off you with your mum by encouraging her to offload to your well supported sister not to you.

If that goes well, see whether your sis and BiL could babysit for you so you and your mum can have a coffee without the children.

It’s so tough. DM would rhapsodise about the wonderful time she spent with my brother and wife who didn’t have children, all the lovely things they did there that we didn’t. Felt like crap.

I’ve been at the sharp end of parenting too, and it’s hard. Sending solidarity and perhaps a kick up the arse to stop being so nice to your mum and start making it clearer that you too have needs and get burned out from it all.

Thinking of you and also sending hugs. My circumstances are a bit different, but I have the same insensitivity from a parent which triggers me badly. In my case, I did try talking about it with her, but I got no understanding. Like others one here, I would still recommend that as a first approach because your Mum might not have realised how it made you feel, but only you know if your Mum would listen and you could do this. In my case, I am working on accepting that is how she feels and trying not to let it impact me. Good luck, I truly hope that this will be a turning point for you and that things will get much better. However, always remember what a great job you are doing in really difficult circumstances.

Sending lots of virtual hugs from a fellow Mum of autistic children who doesn't get hugs or told 'I love you' from her youngest. It might come in the future though, my eldest started to hug and say it around age 12, and I bawled my eyes out that day. At the moment, my youngest is having none of it. He may never manage it.

I think what your Mum has triggered is grief, the realisation that your life is so far removed from most other peoples. It's hard to cope with and it weighs heavy on us. I know I went through a prolonged time of realising my life would never be the same as lots of others, it's a really prominent feeling whilst they are at school. You view others lives from the sidelines, the birthday parties yours don't get invited to, the play dates, the sleep overs, the natural process of growing up that's so very different for others than our own children.
It's ok to be upset, maybe next week you can gently tell your Mum how much she upset you, she may well not realise how insensitive she was.

Oh my gosh you are all so understanding, it’s so so nice to know I’m not alone as I feel horribly alone. You’re right, I think it’s oddly triggered my
own grief of not having an easier life and an annoying societal expectation that all kids are cuddly And easy and respond well and don’t hit /
scream /
meltdown past toddler years. My mum would be sad if she knew she’d unwittingly
upset me but I know from past conversations she has no real filter so no point in trying to explain why it hurt. She really does think half the issue is bad behaviour not autism and that my kids just aren’t sweet but complicated and that hurts because it’s true but I love them fiercely and I accept who they are. She does to a small extent but maybe being with my nephew gives her the smiles and cuddles she doesn’t get from my 2. And nothing can be done about that.

I would totally put this down to her being 82 and losing some of her self-editing skills. Aware some super on it 82yo will now come on and say this is unforgiveably ageist of me, but I've definitely noticed it with my own mum who is great in many ways but has definitely cross the line more conversationally in the last couple of years and is much less self-aware about how what she's saying would affect others. I'm not excusing your DM's hurtful words at all, but if it helps at all to think that she's being thoughtless in the moment rather than voicing some deep truth, then please do minimise it and any pain it causes. You're doing your absolute best in a very hard situation and don't need this shit in your head. There is nothing helpful to take from it so the more you can brush it off and be nice to yourself the better.