Offload - sorry, but having car cry!

[Notalwaydaisies]

I’m not really sure what category to post this under so if it’s not right
please let me know where to put it.

I’m a single mum to 2 kids both with autism, and both with congenital abnormalities (not life threatening but require many check ups and takes a lot of my focus and time). They aren’t social/cuddly kids, mainly due to their autism, they don’t like to be touched/ don’t like busy places like the zoo etc, you get the picture. We spend most time at home as that’s their comfort zone and it avoids meltdowns (well not all of them lol but I pick my battles).

for some reason I am MASSIVELY triggered today and i don’t quite know why. I have a tiny family, just my mum and my sister and they are a
good support to me but very much have their own lives which is great, both happy and doing well. My sister and her husband have very high paying jobs and a 2 year old, and have a lot of help with a live in nanny/housekeeper etc. In contrast I’m on a low income but get by just fine. Genuinely don’t feel envious normally as happy
for them and glad she’s happy.

My mum definitely struggles with my kids behaviour which I know she puts down to naughtiness rather than autism a lot of the time. We’ve had countless conversations about it and have agreed that when She is feeling annoyed by their meltdown/ behaviour she will just leave and go homerather than getting worked up. That works ok most of the time.

so what’s my issue? Well she's just spent a week with my sister and nephew which is lovely for them all. Nice pics, lovely stories about what they’re all up to. Celebrating a big
promotion for both my sister and her husband. All good! But today my mum called from the station to come home sounding very sad so I initially thought something had happened. But it was just to say how sad she is to leave, how wonderful it was to have adult lunches / dinners with just my sister as the nanny is on toddler -duty and how she never gets time with Just me as my kids are always there interrupting and being noisy (mainly when they are stimming) so we can’t go out to eat etc. It went on…how good he Is at sleeping /eating/ eye contact / responsive play (all things my 2 simply can’t do) and what a wonderful feeling it is to be loved and hugged by her grandson and how sad she is to leave that as she’s never had that with mine(they live 3 hours away).

For some reason it really triggered me. Felt like almost a comparison (in a
Bad way) to my 2 and my parenting and it just hurt. But I don’t know why, It’s lovely she has a grandson who can do all that and make her happy but somehow it hurts that my 2 don’t do that to me and I just live with that as I’m used to it but to hear how sad she is to leave “the sweetest little boy” has sparked some stupid jealous hurt in me that’s left me in tears in the car after school drop off which is insane I know.

no friends IRL so offloading here. prob just need someone to tell me to pull my big girl pants on and let it go. but right now I want to hide under a duvet
and feel sorry for myself which realllllllly isn’t like me.

You really aren't alone, plenty of people understand exactly what you are going through and whilst your mother didn't think about the impact of her telling you, she's completely right too. Tough is an understatement.

Don't know how old your kids are but my advice is to take whatever support you can get from the school system, social services etc and try and take time with your mum occasionally, she isn't young and is probably worrying about how you will cope without her too.

For you take support from people here but also look for something in your community, I used to lead a group precovid supporting families with autistic children, they at least did exist.

Oh OP. You sound so lovely and weary. I would very much like to give you a hug and take you out for coffee and a huge wedge of cake right now!

I wonder whether you could wait until the emotion has subsided and then find a way to say to your Mum “I know you found that hard, but it was also really upsetting for me to hear. Please could you consider that a bit more in future before you speak?”

It’s really unkind of your mum to say those things and compare, perhaps think about having a conversation with her and letting her know how much she’s hurt your feelings. You’re doing a great job.

Cake and a hug would be so lovely right now. My gosh you are all so kind. wish you were real life! X

If she starts again, interrupt. “Mum stop. I understand more than anyone but I don’t need to hear it.”

((And perhaps console yourself secretly with thinking of other people’s kids as being a bit tame and boring. You are a superhero parent, admittedly because you have no choice but still- superhero!))

I'm not surprised that you're upset. I think that your Mum should have found someone else to share these feelings with.

My eldest is disabled. When my Mum goes to visit my DB and family in Oz (none of their 3 have disabilities) and they share all their lovely pics, I feel very happy for them all but I wish that she could share similar experiences with DS.

Thank you for being so so so kind. Cant tell you how much it means to me x

Your mum is an absolute bitch for saying all that to you. I would suggest you let her know how much she's hurt you with those awful comments.