Your views on a child being given a bedroom with no window for 3.5 years - I was this child

[MarcL]

Hello All - Your opinion would be really appreciated.

I recently read a thread about a 16 year old boy wanting to move into a bedroom with no window but I wanted to hear other peoples opinions on my experience. When I was 5 I had my own window and bedroom in a 3 bedroom council house, my sister had been born and was 1 year old when my parents moved me out into my brothers room which we shared for 18 months to 2 years. Then when I turned 7 my dad put up a partition wall and I was given the room with no window. This room had its normal access and then a door into my brothers room whom had the window. When it was time for bed my brother would close his door and I would have to close the normal access door making it completely dark in my room with hardly any ventilation exception from under the doors. The sun came up in my brothers room and went down on my side of the wall in our house. I had a budgie that everyday I had to carry into my brothers room so it had light. This I endured for 3.5 years, the room was stuffy especially in the Summer. To wake up and not know if it is day time is a very tough thing to understand, I'd have to go to the hall to see if it was light. The room was big enough for my single bed and a small wardrobe but I never played in the room as it was too dark, so much so I don't remember what was at the bottom of my bed (if anything). I did have a bedroom light though. I started wetting the bed and had nightmares, had my brother knocking on the wall at night saying winding me up "You're in the dark, you're in the dark" and when I moaned to my parents about this he was merely told to stop saying it, to close his door and then the entrance door was closed too....still leaving me in the dark. After about 1 year I became different and started fighting other children at school, my school work standard fell, it was like I was at war with everyone and to go from a very caring loving child to a 'you're not going to get the better of me child' wasn't healthy. Moving forward I'm not sure what I'm trying to justify on here? I have spoken to my parents about the room as being a parent myself to 3 children I can't even believe that they did this. Their excuse is "Marc you argued with your brother aged Me 6 and him just under 2 years older than me age 8 say and left toys lying around so this was the best option? Also adding that if they could have afforded a window then they would have got one BUT they didn't instead my mum said she saved one of her pay packets for a whole year to take us to Majorca in 1986 (being when I was 9 and 2 years into having that windowless room). Today they still avoid any discussions about the room, I don't have a good relationship with them and we have never been close as they can't accept that they are wrong for keeping me in that room. I know its hard for anyone to understand unless they have been through anything like this but a few last things before I ask my question.

Nobody I think can understand the dark room situation but you've all had this when you were younger and that's your parents either get annoyed and shout "Go to your rooms and stay there" and "Right you can go to bed early for being naughty (so sent to a prison room - actually no as prison rooms have windows)" but you all had windows and fresh air, when you didn't it was hell!

I have always hated the winter nights, even as a 47 year old now, I can bare it but when I was 7 and it was getting dark early that dark would last for 15 hours a day e.g. 5pm-8am this is due to the dark room too.

I have had M.E (an illness which I really do budget right) since I was very young. If you read up on M.E it can be caused from ever suffering a very stressful, traumatic experience (the room was). I even spoke to 2 doctors at the same time and brought the above up and they confirmed that yes the room experience could definitely caused this.

Waking up feeling groggy and with headaches.

My mum always said that out of the 3 children that I was the most anxious child but I think she is that stupid that she cannot see that to keep a child in a windowless room at such a young age can create massive anxieties from a young age.

So my question is this as I need to try to bury the past is how do I go about getting over something that just makes me shake my head in disbelief over this, I could never do this to my children at such a young age.

Do you think my parents were right to do this as they could easily have asked my nan for a loan for a window to be put in but never did. They never got Building Reg's to convert the room as only a partition wall was put up by my dad?

Were they right to do this?

Lastly how can a parent/s put up a partition wall and see that side of the room becomes dark and then put their 7 year old child in it?

My mum recently in a heated phone call stated in a sarcastic way "Well I'm sorry if it messed you up when you were younger but that was what was best for you and your brother" which I find to be the most ignorant comment I have ever heard. I am not a negative person very positive and have a massive strong will to never quit 'Life is a fight, fight to live', I'm happily married to my wife and have 3 wonderful children, own my own conveyancing business and achieved many amazing things in my life even though M.E can knock you on you ass far more times than you'd ever believe. I never quit anything but this childhood room business niggles me no matter what. I think its a case of my parents cannot and will no accept responsibility for their stupid actions when I was so young.

Cheers for reading this and all comments welcome as this may make me realise they were right or confirm that they were wrong. Cheers Marc

I actually also contacted a friend who lives in my old house now and he has taken a photo and filmed the room and house. He stated that when the people moved in back in 1986 they knocked down the partition wall as that room was too dark. They also added a window where it should be and this is my wall paper on my mobile phone now as that's what I wished to see for the 3.5 years I was behind the wall.

Are you male? Sorry I haven’t read all the replies. If not I don’t even see why your parents did it in the first place? My same sex children shared at similar ages.

I agree you may need (more) therapy to unpick all this, the room sounds awful (I can’t deal with no natural light) but probably more the feeling of you being treated worse than your brother and sister, and the connection you have made to your physical ailments

“My mum recently in a heated phone call stated in a sarcastic way "Well I'm sorry if it messed you up when you were younger but that was what was best for you and your brother" which I find to be the most ignorant comment I have ever heard”

to me it sounds like they were prioritising giving you each a bedroom, which I think is a trade off, but having your own space as different sex siblings would be the priority. You’re crediting a lot to this windowless bedroom, I think there’s a whole lot more going on. It’s not fair to blame it all on your mum for making a decision

I highly doubt the room alone for only 3.5 years would cause you to have ME

My parents did the same with the second bedroom in our childhood home so I had a 'room' with no window until I left home at 17. I do carry childhood trauma as an adult but the windowless room isn't one of them, maybe it's because I used to get locked in the cupboard under the stairs as a child if I upset my mother so a windowless bedroom felt OK in comparison. I am a child of the 60s/70s and I don't think what my parents did partitioning the room was particularly unusual back then, they wouldn't have been able to put a window into my room because it was a council house. Until I read your post I honestly had no idea that a room partitioned off in that way could cause trauma. I hope you can find some peace with the trauma you have experienced.

HarpieDuJour your post is really eye opening and I'm sorry . I think the responses on here are different for all. Some people can accept it, some people can see it can have an affect on you, some have had terrible experiences too, some don't even have a clue as they never experienced anything like that. Really eye opening some of the comments and I appreciate all of them

I think some people on here don’t know what it’s like to be claustrophobic

I couldn’t even cope in an inside cabin on a ferry for one night. No way could I reside in a windowless room

also people are looking at this through the eyes of an adult not the 6 year old little child who had to deal with it

Gosh your poor parents. It really sounds like they tried to do their best with the limited resources that they had. I'm not surprised your mum got a bit snippy with you, what do you actually want from her now? You make it sound like your parents abused you.

Ratfinksstinkypink, I can imagine that was very traumatic being locked in a cupboard

fridaynight1 - We don't stay in touch. My brother moved away and only visits briefly, my sister lives local but she is to busy to stay in touch. It is a shame as my wives family are very close.

TooOldForThisNonsense thank you. Yes it is a fine line between thinking as an adult and not as a 7 year old. The post I posted is helping though as I know a lot of people have their own opinions and experiences. I do appreciate stories from other peoples experiences good or bad, some very eye opening.

My sister had a room made from a partition stud wall with a sliding door to save on space. She was just grateful to get away from me and have somewhere private.
The lack of a window really doesn't seem to have affected her. I'm sorry but you'd probably blame your parents if they forced you to share, most parents do what they think is best, sometimes we just can't win.

Sounds like your parents did what they could to try to give you your own space rather than sharing a bedroom as sharing wasn’t working. It wasn’t for that long and at an age when most time is spent downstairs in communal areas so it was only for sleeping.

It does sound like you’re using it as an excuse for everything wrong in your life. I’m not suggesting it was ideal but not the worst thing. My teens rarely pull their blinds so their rooms are usually dark pits.

I’m sorry you are so angry and sad about your childhood. That must be hard to live with as an adult. I really hope you get a chance to process what happened to you so you can be happy now. Seeing a counsellor or therapist is the best way for you to do this.

It’s important to understand that a therapist will never be able to do anything to change the way your parents see their role in your upbringing. That is not what therapists do. Going to therapy or counselling is just for you to make sense of what happened and to give you a safe space to reflect on how you are going to make your adult life happier for yourself. It is nothing to do with judging who was right or wrong in the past.

Nobody on here can tell you whether your feelings about the past are right or wrong either. I Know that’s hard because you probably still have a strong feeling of ‘it was not fair!’ that you want others to validate. Unfortunately no authority is going to pass judgment on that and nobody will be able to get your parents to apologise. They did what they thought was best at the time.

There are groups on Facebook where parents are making a bed in a cupboard because of overcrowding. It's not great but perhaps they wanted you to have some privacy.

Perhaps you think saving money for the Majorca holiday was wrong but they wanted you to have the experience of a holiday abroad.

I think your parents probably did what they thought was best and didn't consider the lack of a window, it probably just didn't even come to their minds that it would be this much of a problem.

I can see why you felt upset about this but it probably didn't cause your ME as you presumably had the rest of the house to play in and only had to sleep there? There are children who don't even have a bedroom at all, ie have to sleep on a sofa, so I don't think it's the worst thing to happen to someone. In hindsight, your parents could have got one of those daylight lamps but not sure if they were about then.

I don't think it's worth letting this affect the rest of your life or your relationship with your family. Out of interest, where did you sleep after the 3.5 years when you were presumably 10?

I think I get @MarcL
Some years ago, I, as a grown up adult, was away with work and ended up sleeping at one of those sleeping pods in an airport. Basically a small bedroom (enough fur a single bed and space for baggage’s etc… with a small bathroom attached). It had no windows at all but obviously had light etc…

It’s amazing how claustrophobic I found it. (I’m not claustrophobic whatsoever). I felt uncomfortable with or without the light on.

So I can imagine that, as a child who doesn’t like the dark (like a lot if children), it could make it really uneasy.

I shared with my brother again in our other house and moved out when I was 19 and bought my own house. Thank you for all your comments.

Like with any kind of trauma in a way it's not so much the experience as how you were affected by the experience.. For some people this wouldn't bother them at all but it has bothered you, it's worth going back and talking to that younget self to see what was really going on.. It sounds much more deep rooted than your room didn't have a window... Childhood trauma can definitely cause chronic illness but there's a point where you have to say they did the best they could with the knowledge and experience they had at the time and start looking inward to heal yourself, you won't get that from other people
Also, your siblings did what they could too, it wasn't necessarily their fault
Fixating on it isn't going to solve it unless you open up to a willingness to release it and put it behind you..

I think the real issue here is that you felt your brother was favoured over you.

That seems to me to be the real root of all your problems.

Your parents did what they thought best and it was not born out of malice to you and I don't think they favoured your brother over you, more that they made a decision to be practical and the younger child was seen as a better choice to go into the partitioned off room.

I think you are being hard on your parents but I also acknowledge that you didn't cope well in that room whereas for another child it would have been water off a ducks back.

Each ego and psyche is different.

There comes a time in life where you have to take control of your own destiny and let go of the last. At 47, you've left it an awful long while and perhaps have blamed any failings in your life because of the the bedroom situation.

Regarding the room, my dear childhood friend had an attic bedroom. No windows. It was large as they lived in a bungalow and his bedroom was wood panelled and it always felt like a den.

This was a similar era to you, ten years prior to you.

He loved his bedroom, it had a light and a lamp and a rung ladder.

He grew up with no chip on his shoulder, is very successful and loves his parents who have now sadly passed.

You can continue to choose to hang on to all this negativity and you will shorten your life.

Your ME was brought on by stress of your feeling inferior not because of the actual living conditions.

I hope you can rebuild the relationship with your parents before they pass, especially your mother.

We must not judge the past on how things are done today, there is no comparison.

Even earlier than yours and my childhood were children of the first and Second World War. Spending their nights in bomb shelters and the cru of the air raid shelter.

I wish you well.

Let go of the past ^

I'm so sorry that you went through this situation. You are right and your parents shouldn't have left you in a windowless room. I understand that they did what they could to give you space; however, any good parents should have taken notice of your behavioural changes and come to the conclusion that it was the room.

They failed you and should at least take some accountability. Although, if they haven't done it by now it's unlikely they will ever do it. It's best for you to try and let it go by going to therapy.

I agree with others that you are fixating on this point as being the cause of all your issues. It could very well be, but I agree that therapy will help you unearth any deep rooted problems.

You also posted in a way that suggested you saw it as a form of abuse, which is contributing to you viewing it negatively. But in reality, your parents had limited funds and not enough space for each child to have their own room, and that’s why you had to share the room in that way. Living standards today very different to 30-40 years ago, and you can judge it by today’s standards.

They basically consigned you to a glorified closet.

If I were you, I'd assess whether you really want to continue trying to have a relationship with a family of narcissists. Ask yourself what you're trying to achieve by remaining in contact with them. Usually, the dynamic of one child being completely ostracised, treated as an outcast, and publicly denigrated, continues into adulthood - narcissistic parents don't change.

It's a pity your brother decided to join in the humiliation and openly taunt you. He may or may not feel some guilt over this now. He was clearly the favoured brother. This is the usual pattern in families where one or both parents are narcissists. It's also normal for the parents to deny and gaslight, which they are doing now.

If you can find a therapist who has experience of dealing with adult children of narcissists, I'd sign up for therapy so you can unpick it all and decide what you want wrt family relationships/ contact going forward.

Whether or not an event was traumatising to you as a child has nothing to do with the event itself, but more to do with whether or not you had an adult to support you and help you process that event, and it is very traumatising for you that you parents don't acknowledge the impact this had on you. So you can't compare your situation with others who weren't traumatised by a similar situation.

It is also very natural that as your children reach an age when something traumatising happened to you, that this will be brought back up for you.

These are all things that i have learnt through therapy. it sounds like there is potentially more than just the bedroom situation to work through and if you find the right therapist it will be life changing for you. you can work through the feelings you are dealing with in relation to your parents not accepting your experience. I have spent a lot of time grieving the parents i wish i had, its a very painful experience, but also very healing.

@Sensoria

They allowed the brother with the window room to taunt the OP, and clearly at some point prior to that, they made the decision as to which brother got the closet and which one got the room with the window. They made no attempt to have the siblings take turns in the windowless, airless room even though the OP clearly had anxiety over it.

That's nothing to do with money issues.