Overweight daughter- advice please

[snoopysdad]

Hello,

My daughter is 10 and lives with her mum. I see her all holidays and half terms- this has been worked out via mediation. I would like to see her more and at times I do but the distance is over 300 miles away. (Mum moved away when separated). I cannot move, my business is here and family also.

I have noticed her weight increasing since lockdown. I thought perhaps this could be puppy fat. But the weight has increased so much since I last saw her.

I spoke to her mum, who has admitted that our daughter is very overweight. We were amicable regarding this. We decided to get her a Fitbit to try challenge her to hit her step target everyday. This has already failed in a week. Her mum isn't encouraging her to wear it either now.

When I say she is overweight, her BMI on the NHS website states she is on the 99th percentile. Also in reception, when she was weighed etc she was also in a high percentile as my ex had a letter regarding her weight. We had a conversation then and she said it was easier to feed her what she did as she is fussy. It was a battle then, but I lost.

While she was down last, I spoke to her about being healthy and making healthy choices. I also put limits on her laptop and phone as these are things she is on a lot; to try and encourage her to be more active. Her mum agreed to this also. So they turn off at 7:30pm.

Her mum is now not happy with this and says it's too stressful to keep up with. That she took her out a couple times last week for walks and that's enough. She has said she is eating better though. Although I cannot be there to witness this.

I have told myself I'll give her the benefit of the doubt, and I'll wait until I see her next for the may/June half term.

But what can I do if she is still very overweight? What are my rights as her father? I have PR. Can I take her to the GP to see what they can suggest? I also am mindful I want my daughter to be happy. I'm worried this is effecting her confidence and self esteem (also her physical health too.)

Our daughter hasn't been told that she is overweight or needing to lose weight by anyone. We have agreed that we won't tell her this at the moment to protect her. But could we have a gentle conversation if things do not get better? I guess if I took her to the GP I would have to.

Has anyone any advice? I know their eating habits are not great at home, lots of take aways and sweets/chocolate/junk. My family here are all pretty healthy and we are careful with our children's diet too; we also are very active. She loves going for walks with us when she's here. She also doesn't complain with the food options etc.

I know I need to trust her mum, but i don't have high hopes if I'm honest. Her mums eating habits are not great either. What can I do or what should I do? Any advice would be great as I know this is a sensitive topic. Thank you.

I hope someone comes with some advice soon. I was overweight as a child and have struggled ever since, probably similar in size to your daughter, I don't know her age but I remember not fitting in any of the jeans in the shop when I went on my first shopping trip with my mum at about 12. I actually don't know what I can suggest, my parents were super active! Which kind of made it worse as I had a ridiculous appetite and was never full- (same now) and I got fatter and knew I was a source of embarrassment to them as not sporty etc. but I wouldn't know how they could have supported me better. I remember trips to the doctor and dietician, I was mortified but nothing changed.

I should add, my parents didn't even eat junk food, I just ate way too much even of the healthy stuff and then was always starving! So genuinely have no advice, but I think someone else will. Good luck, you sound like a lovely dad.

@dandeliondaisy this is something that worried me while she was down for half term.

Firstly we went clothes shopping and she said 'I wish I could wear the clothes in here' and I asked why she couldn't, and she said it was because it was all cropped tops. That broke my heart a little. She shouldn't be thinking like that at 10.

Also, I bought her her summer dresses and we had to get aged 15. They were long but they were the only ones that fit her around her waist. You could see she was upset with this. It's very tough.

Not talking to the child isn't necessarily the best strategy. Although it will probably be difficult for your ongoing relationship as parents if your ex thinks it should remain off-limits to discuss with your child.

Have a read around resources from reputable sources, eg:

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.bath.ac.uk/publications/talking-to-your-child-about-weight-a-guide-for-parents-and-caregivers-of-children-aged-4-11-years/attachments/talking-to-children-about-weight-guidance.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwiS2obgxsL-AhXtTUEAHYdUCBYQFnoECDoQAQ&usg=AOvVaw3q8EzUHNsYRZTdKjpfr4Er

Your GP may not have much to add that isn't out there already on resources for the public. It may help to have their stamp of approval on the approach you take but they aren't necessarily trained in mediating disagreements between parents, and the available consultation time might be short.

Thank you.

I was hoping by seeing the GP that my ex partner may take things slightly more serious if a health professional has been seen, if that makes sense.

I shall take a look at the link, thanks again.

Does she know how to cook? That’s a really good vehicle for teaching healthy eating without discussing weight at all.

If she doesn’t then choose 10 real meals - things like roast, stir fry, spaghetti Bol etc - things she eats at yours and teach her one or two each holiday. Talk about the importance of veg, why processed food is unhealthy, why we need protein, what carbs do for us etc whilst you cook. Don’t mention weight.

Send her back to mums each time with the ingredients for that meal and a copy of the recipe so that she can give mum a treat by cooking for her. Let her know that any time she wants to cook for mum as a secret surprise you’ll do a food shop for it for her.

Does she do any sport? What about a trampoline for the garden if she has one?

These are excellent ideas. Thank you! We do love to cook here; she's always liked to bake but obviously we will move this towards cooking healthy meals now.

Hello,

She used to do swimming, but mum unfortunately failed to take her and then it stopped.

She does drama/dance once a week now and enjoys this.

It's worth looking at the MoreLife programmes available through the NHS. You might be able to do something like a course or camp with your daughter to instil good habits.

Sorry, I also have suggested I buy her a trampoline to her mum; this is a new thing and still waiting for a reply. I may ask again.

Sport has very little impact on weight loss when compared to food. That’s why parents think their child can’t be overweight as they ‘run around all day or are out on their bike’. You have to attack the food, exercise is secondary and won’t help once a child is very overweight.

Your OP is carefully worded but basically, it boils down to: my ex does all the day-to-day parenting, I judge my ex's choices in food, exercise and appearance, I want to dictate what my ex does despite not being hands on myself.

Being a single parent is stressful and hard, and often food is something people use as comfort. Exercise is also harder when you're a single parent and can't take your child out with you to exercise classes etc. Do you give generous support payments? Was your break up distressing and counselling would help?

Your ex presumably had the same habits/weight when you were together, and you managed to make a child together.

I'm not saying you're wrong to be concerned, but I don't think pronouncing from on high about your ex doing what she needs to do to get through is going to get you anywhere.

Difficult for you OP as essentially the only thing that will work is mum reforming eating and food in her household which you have little control over. Could you organise something like Gusto so the onus isn’t on mum to prepare entirely new meals, and ask her to dish up a correct portion size according to a visual aid like this?

https://www.superkidsnutrition.com/portion-sizes-for-kids/

She also needs to chuck all biscuits, chocolate etc (or lock them away in her room!) and only have apples, low sugar yoghurts (like plain Greek) available as snacks.

@Squamata oh come on, his kid’s health is absolutely his business. His ex was the one who moved away, not him - if he upped sticks and abandoned his business you’d be moaning he doesn’t pay enough maintenance.

Yes this, food and excercise are separate things. Both important but it's what she's eating that's making her gain weight.

Agree with Coffeeandbourbons - it's most likely that her portions are too big and she's being allowed to snack all the time so she's never truly hungry at mealtimes.

"OP is carefully worded but basically, it boils down to: my ex does all the day-to-day parenting, I judge my ex's choices in food, exercise and appearance, I want to dictate what my ex does despite not being hands on myself."

This is very harsh, but I do understand your point. I do judge yes of course, but only because it's my daughters health that is at risk here; mental and physical.

"Being a single parent is stressful and hard, and often food is something people use as comfort. Exercise is also harder when you're a single parent and can't take your child out with you to exercise classes etc. Do you give generous support payments? Was your break up distressing and counselling would help?"*
*
I do give her generous payment, I also pay for all our daughters needs too. The break up was when our daughter was a baby, on her terms also. She wanted me to sign a contract stating she could have an open relationship but I did not want that.

"Your ex presumably had the same habits/weight when you were together, and you managed to make a child together."

No, this is not the case at all. She was also not an overweight child/nor comes from an overweight family.

This is it I think.

I was waiting for one of these posts. FFS. He is a father very worried about his daughter's health.

The OP is carefully worded and it sounds like you are approaching this in a very sensitive way which is great.

All I want to add is that please continue this sensitivity when talking to DD because while you clearly are right to address the problem, the last thing you want to do is upset her further.

I say this as a 48 yo overweight woman who can remember my mum nagging me to lose weight as a child old in fact she still does. I understand how desperate she was and how frustrated she must still be BUT so much of my childhood memory is centred on arguments about food and the impact still continues.

The separation adds an extra problem for you as you don't want your DD to feel she is split between easygoing mum and strict dad IYSWIM.

Good luck. This is really tricky.

Yes let's just wash over the health implications (now and in the future) of a 10yo being seriously overweight. Poor girl's confidence is already being eroded as shown by her comments in the clothes shop.

The mum isn't automatically always right and the dad automatically always wrong you know. OP is worried about his daughter but he's limited in what he can actually do about the situation.

I’m not sure what you can do really, apart from try to be more involved with her day to day life, which is tricky at that distance.

I was a very overweight child, I had too much freedom to eat whatever I wanted, was nagged and criticised for being fat, but very much held responsible for what I ate, which was unfair as a child as the adults should be responsible for providing healthy meals and portions.

If the primary parent of the child isn’t doing this I’m not sure what you can do, apart from talk sensitively to your dd if the opportunity arises. At 10 though this really isn’t her responsibility.

Just a quick reply, but it is so difficult to keep girls active from that age onwards. Not easy for you given relationship with ex, but the Mum's example is critical for girls. If Mum is active, it will encourage daughter. Baby steps, walking to school (can she walk home alone) perhaps. Not easy at all for you to have these conversations.

How would you describe your coparenting relationship with your ex?

Would you seriously consider having your daughter as the resident parent?