Autism or poor parenting?

[NotSure20]

Name change to not have this linked to my main account.

My cousin and her DH have an almost 4 year old boy who I've has ASD suspicions about for a while, as have other members of the family.

Main things are - not responding to his name until he is shouted at (repeated three or four times before raised voices). He will then whinge at the louder volume.

Lack of eye contact with many but not all people.

Not wanting physical contact. Most nights he refuses a kiss or cuddle at bedtime and won't hug when given a choice BUT also doesn't protest that much when others hug him.

Speech problems - he can communicate fine but mispronounces many letters - L, T R etc. Parents don't correct him or try to intentionally model correct speech.

He is as preschool and as far as extended family know they haven't said anything and now we don't know whether to raise anything with them.

This could be parents who aren't correcting behaviour but could be something more. Any thoughts from those more experienced please?

Could be hearing issues like glue ear.

That makes more sense actually. He is extraordinarily loud!

Judgemental much?! You sound like a nightmare. My son sounds similar to the child you are describing- he is 3, almost 4. I have suspicions that my son MIGHT be autistic but also might NOT. But I haven't discussed this with my cousins, or any family actually, other than my husband! Also, what poor parenting- not modelling correct pronunciation of specific letters in front of you? How do you know what they do when you're not there? I do loads of phonics stuff with my son but when I'm with my brother and SIL, for instance, I might not. So what?
My son also isn't affectionate. But why do you think that might be down to 'poor parenting'? And how on earth do you think you're going to 'raise' this with them?? Honestly, I'm very glad you're not my relative!

All children are individual as are adults. I am glad you did not take offence OP. Thanks for saying that.

I would think that if there are concerns then it will be raised by the school. You do not need to unless specifically asked. Teachers and others who work with the family are not in any way qualified to make a diagnosis, only qualified to suggest to the parents that there might be avenues they wish to explore. I'd leave it to them to be honest. If the parents are struggling in any way then I would also leave that to people closer around them. There is unlikely to be any benefit in intruding on them, and it is often the case that no-one responds well to being told about what they are getting wrong.

I have two sons with ASD, this child sounds exactly like my younger son.

Ok lots to unpick here. If I'm raising things that also make you think asd about your child, why does that make me a nightmare?

The poor parenting bit is less about his affection and more about not demonstrating correct speech at all (we are around them a few times a week and other family members we are close to also say they do not correct his speech) and that they are not doing anything about "typical" boisterous behaviour other than shouting and telling him to say sorry. He doesn't understand what he is doing wrong, even when other children are crying or in pain but now believes that saying sorry is a free pass to doing what he wants.

I hadn't intended on "raising this" with my cousin, but maybe I could be better prepared if she asked. Like I said, if you read my previous post, I want to support her.

I also think his hearing should be checked. You could surely raise that with your cousin without causing offence?

I don't think it's best practice to correct their speech, just to repeat back what they said but pronounced correctly instead. Do they totally ignore him when he speaks?

It sounds like you think they are inconsistent and inattentive in their parenting, is that right! The problem is that any criticism from you is likely to be received badly, and damage your relationship. If your cousin asks you, you could talk about consistency and attentive parenting. But only if she asks you for your input.

I hadn't intended on "raising this" with my cousin, but maybe I could be better prepared if she asked

OP, your original post LITERALLY said:

we don't know whether to raise anything with them. So you are obviously considering doing so.

I stand by what I said - you do sound extremely judgemental. The wording 'poor parenting' says a great deal about you actually. Do you really think you know best about this child, above both the parents AND the pre-school staff? I'm sure between the parents and the professionals they can manage without you butting in.

other family members we are close to also say they do not correct his speech

So you are discussing their child and their parenting approaches with the rest of the family...? And you don't think you're judgemental? Seriously...

Eldest or only child by any chance?

Referrals for ?autism have skyrocketed in this age group because of language delay, limited attention, difficulty sharing, poor social communication. Of course this cohort was very small indeed when covid came along and isolated them from peers, nursery groups, playdates, extended family etc. So it's not that surprising that they present in a different way from the precovid cohorts.

I have discussed it with my DH and her mother who brought it up with me. Not the whole extended family like I'm slagging her off to all and sundry.

My cousin and I have spoken about the inconsistent parenting before, at length. We are close enough that this isnt as judgemental as you think. She agrees that her dh is too far down the opposite end of the scale and they have made changes which have helped, slightly.

Yes, I wasn't preparing to bring this up, but if this was raising multiple red flags and others thought so too then maybe I should. Clearly people are saying it's not so I won't.

He is the only child. Other children in the family, also only children and covid children are completely different. Yes I am realising it might just be who he is and nothing to do with me.

You should definitely do a parenting podcast, you sound brilliant 👏

These could be signs of ASD or typical behaviours for a toddler. Other things to look for not pointing, stimming, using someone's hand as their hand, obsessive behaviours, sensory behaviours, echolalia.

Sounds like despite very clumsy wording you are close with your cousin and care. Perhaps suggest that she gets his hearing tested as always physical symptoms need to be ruled out and there will be a waiting list for that. You can get referrals from HV. Means a HV would see him too and if he is displaying signs perhaps might suggest referring. Also, depending how his speech is, could go to a drop in speech and language session, that's how my son was picked up as potentially ASD, speech and language therapists are highly trained in this field. Agree with other posters, you have no idea what is going on behind closed doors and it's a very tough journey from first questioning to referral (never mind post that stage). Hope your cousin and kid get any help they need.

Not wanting physical contact. Most nights he refuses a kiss or cuddle at bedtime and won't hug when given a choice BUT also doesn't protest that much when others hug him.

He should always be given the choice and should have to protest to stop others kissing and hugging him.