My 4yo helps himself in the kitchen ?

[mirabelle04]

This might be more of an educative question but I didn't know for sure where that post would fit.

So my son is 4yo and he helps himself in the kitchen. My first parental instinct was to not allow him to. We got into several petty arguments over this. It didn't curb the habit though, as my son is extremely... determined, ahem, and we have a really small kitchen area so that there's no way I can put everything out of his reach.

At meal time things are pretty relaxed. It takes some convincing to have him consider green colored foods are in fact edible, but I wouldn't call him a picky eater. We generally do not mind how much he eats or doesn't eat. He loves a variety of foods. But I'm a little concerned that his snacking is messing with his appetite and meal time schedule.

He often asks for snacks at random hours throughout the day and I usually say no when outside certain time frames. But then he'll go and help himself and I can't catch him in time everytime. So eventually it will be 45min to mealtime and I'll find him happily munching through a whole apple. And then if he doesn't eat much, I can't help but putting 2 and 2 together.

On the other hand, he rarely snatches cookies or similar crap. He will mostly go for the fruit bowl, so at least it's not that bad. But if I don't watch him he can eat his way through several apples, pears and bananas in just half a day !

I'm not sure what to do about it. My husband seems to think it's not that much of a deal and be leaning toward letting him have it. I myself am not overly concerned over some fruit, but I don't like the idea that he would be eating without actually feeling hungry. I also wouldn't want him to get sweets or pour himself juice/milk or whatnot.

I'm wondering if this is just something I'm fixating on or not. If it's not a legitimate health concern, I would rather drop it. I'm 9 months pregnant with his little sister and I don't have much energy or patience to endlessly argue with him over something that isn't serious. What do you think about it ? What would you do ?

What is he taking? And what have you got in that's available to him?

My best advice is to keep things like biscuits and crisps to the absolute bare minimum and never have them in the house as if they were a normal food.

Because they're not.

I don't avoid these things completely but they're a treat to be eaten occasionally. I tend to buy two large sharing bags of crisps on a Friday...might buy more on Sat...might not....I have two teens. I buy icecream once per week.

Always in the house is fruit, salad and veg, natural yogurt, honey and museli, plus cheese and homemade pitta cracker things. Also eggs and bread. Sometimes I have instant noodles too....they're not great but something if one teen is hungry and wants a hot small meal...they add Kimchi to it.

He might be genuinely hungry too...what's his typical menu for a day? What meals is he eating?

Just re read and see he's eating fruit. What's wrong with that? S long as he brushes his teeth regularly...and drinks water.

My kids are 10,9 and 5 and have never helped themselves to snack. Drinks not a problem. They normally say they are hungry then I tell them to go get a snack so I know if they are eating crisps or biscuits within moderation. I wouldn't like a 4 year helping himself to whatever in the kitchen. Like you said it is affecting his meals. Offer him a snack mid morning and mid afternoon or afternoon if in school.

The problem with making them ask, is that it's controlling. Obviously there's a line...you don't want them eating all day and not eating meals but at what point do you decide they're old enough to manage themselves?

Mine have always been allowed to get fruit or a carrot or something and never had an issue with them not eating meals.

I used to make sure mine both had dinner ready at 4.00 when they got home from school...otherwise it would be a snack...main meal earlier and then a light supper at about 7 ish.

He is four of course he should ask

Tell himhe can snack at x time if he is hungry

Have set snack times and maybe give him more at breakfast etc so he’s not as hungry.
Put the fruit bowl higher up, or put a gate on kitchen so he can’t just wander in.

I have 4 kids if they all just helped themselves I’d have no food so yes they’ll ask but they do have something after school and in the morning they have a playpiece at school. He’s 4 so if you don’t put those boundaries in place he’ll just carry on doing his own thing.

How about giving him his own fruit bowl and you put in it what you want him to eat in a day
At first he might eat it all in one go but if you keep doing it then he will learn self regulation

Maybe he is hungry. There are some days when my dd will eat like the hungry caterpillar and I think she will pop and then all of a sudden her trousers are too short and other days she eats so little I'm sure her tummy must be rumbling all day.

I restrict snacks an hour or so before lunch and dinner, but otherwise, I normally tell her to drink water first in case she's just thirsty and then offer something that's not a treat - cheese, yoghurt or fruit or a piece of toast - if she's truly hungry, she'll eat that, if not, she's just after goodies and she doesn't get them frequently. We did have to put the treats in a high cupboard so she can't get them, she can reach other things without help, but she normally asks. According to the NHS check for height / weight she's average, so she is self-regulating even if I worry she isn't.

I leave the fruit bowl in reach and if my 5 year old wants an apple she can help herself. She usually asks though and I usually say yes unless it's literally 10 mins before supper time.

We don't let them eat biscuits/crisps whenever they like. I let them have a biscuit straight after school and crisps as part of a meal. They know they will get a biscuit after school though so they don't really ask.

Why not get him his own fruit bowl, buy X amount of apples or whatever each week and once they are gone they are gone. If he eats all of them in one go he won't have any left for the rest of the week. If he doesn't eat tea one night because he's eaten too many apples then it's not the end of the world.

I've found my 5 year old is really needing her evening meal at about 4.30 -5pm on school days, after that it's almost like she goes past being hungry and can't be bothered to eat. She now has a hot school dinner and just a sandwich or a small amount of pasta late afternoon on weekdays.

I think it's otherwise good to teach them independent skills and to get up and do something themselves rather than expecting 'mum' to do everything etc from a young age.

We have rearranged our cupboards so the 5 year old can access to stuff to make herself a bowl of cereal in the morning if she wants to and she often does (we can see/hear her from the bedroom). We trust her to be sensible and in return she mostly is and is very proud of herself.

I do snack boxes for my two! Fill them with various items but they are to last ALL day!!

I usually put in:

Small pack of cookies

Raisins/blueberries

Carrot sticks/pepper sticks

Crisps

Sandwich thin with cheese/ham

Yoghurt

Is more of a packed lunch but aside from breakfast and dinner my two prefer to graze so will often have the majority of their snack boxes between 10.30-2... (if we are home).

We have dinner together around 6pm.

I would have no issue with my children taking fruit at anytime. They've always been allowed to help themselves to any reachable snack- although not biscuits while I'm cooking dinner. If I really don't want them to eat it it's very well hidden. I've always left children's snacks in low cupboards for easy access. DS2 was a grazer and seemed to need to constantly eat, and it meant he just climbed if food was out of reach, which wasn't particularly safe.

I think he should ask. But I think you should mostly say yes to healthy food.

Thanks all, it's really helpful to get some perspective on this and see how things are dealt with in other homes.
I see that a few of you are working on a "help yourself as long as you're not eating crap" basis. My central concern is health and healthy eating habits. I don't want to let my son overeat out of boredom or glutonny or whatever and for him to have to deal with health issues later down the line. But it's hard to know what is too much for a toddler as, as someone mentioned, they sometimes have crazy appetites relative to their size.

This morning alone, my son ate a full breakfast of granola, yogurt and an apple, asked for another apple at about 9:30am which I said yes to, and then snatched another whole apple behind my back 30min later. In spite of this he still smashed his lunch like he hadn't eaten in 4 days ?

He already has a routine of a light snack mid morning and another in the afternoon. But on days home he will eat several fruits throughout the day on top of this. We eat dinner together at 7pm and I feel it might be too late for him, based on what I read. I might try to give him his dinner earlier and let him sit with us at the 7pm dinner, pick and try what he feels like then.

As some noted, he hasn't access to biscuits and we don't usually have crisps or candies laying around. He really is that little fruit bat anyway. Also the issue isn't the asking, he will ask alright... it's just that when I say no he will find an opportunity to sneak behind my back. I can't prevent 100% of snack theft, so I'm pondering if it's worth fighting over it or not at this point.

@LynetteScavo

I would have no issue with my children taking fruit at anytime. They've always been allowed to help themselves to any reachable snack- although not biscuits while I'm cooking dinner. If I really don't want them to eat it it's very well hidden. I've always left children's snacks in low cupboards for easy access. DS2 was a grazer and seemed to need to constantly eat, and it meant he just climbed if food was out of reach, which wasn't particularly safe.

Same, I can't possibly put all food out of his reach, but he will climb if I try.

Apples aren’t really filling. I’d try and replace some of the snacking with stuff like cheese / crackers / eggs (boiled eggs can be kept in the fridge), slices of meat etc. Personally I’d still be really hungry after granola and fruit for breakfast.

(In our house it’s a free for all really; everyone just helps themselves but we don’t have a lot of crap type stuff available to the youngest: we hide chocolate in the back of the salad drawer and ration it a bit)!!

I would not worry about it and let him help himself to fruit or any healthy snack. One of my DC was like this, they were our “humming bird” because they could not eat full meals, but ate 7-8 times a day little mini meals. They are still like this as an adult. Always eating something every hour...but over the course of the day it adds up to a balanced and healthy diet. Another of my DC is exact opposite, they eat a large brunch and dinner and nothing else. Just drink water all day.

I sort of believe in intuitive eating so feel everyone has a natural eating pattern which is healthy for them. The 3 meals a day evenly spaced is largely a social construct and artificially determined specifically to work around a day at work or school.

For me, this is more of a respect issue. The food is irrelevant. You are saying he should not help himself and he is anyway. Not acceptable. He is disregarding your instruction and there needs to be a consequence.

I agree with the post above, you should be in charge if want to be. It can be very easy to have boundaries and firm on the things that are expected of our dc and keep it consistent, you just need a calm tone of voice to show you mean it . It is not controlling, it is parenting.

What @Bagelsandbrie said! If he's reaching for another apple, it's not filling him up.

@PissPotPourri

For me, this is more of a respect issue. The food is irrelevant. You are saying he should not help himself and he is anyway. Not acceptable. He is disregarding your instruction and there needs to be a consequence.

He’s eating an apple. Hardly a punishable crime really.

That’s what fruit bowls are for

For me, him eating the fruit isn't a huge problem but him deliberately disobeying me when I've said no would be a big issue.

Mine has always asked or been offered. Even age 12 and 9. It allows me to tell them when meals are and for them to make decisions about whether to wait for dinner etc. It also allows me to suggest healthier alternatives or let them know that certain things were earmarked for meals or packed lunches etc. I rarely say no - though they often then choose not to eat something or to eat something else onsehad

@madisonbridges

For me, him eating the fruit isn't a huge problem but him deliberately disobeying me when I've said no would be a big issue.

I understand what you're saying, and this is actually what questions me : is it worth it for me to die on this hill ? If eating even a bazillion apples a day is not a legitimate concern regarding healthy eating habits, I might rather drop it. Then it's not him disobeying me anymore, since I'll allow it.

I see how it may seem as a work around for some, but I don't think it is personally. There are set rules that we enforce, and if those rules are broken there are sanctions. As with any child this is some work and occasional tough time. But I'm being consistent because I believe in those justified rules.

Now I have no interest into further complicating the parenting task by adding unnecessary or unjustified rules on top of it, and then struggle at enforcing them... Add to this that my son is this great, bright, funny, adorable piece of fucking work, and you get where I'm going

Right now I'm struggling with the independent snacking, but that's only because I fear it's not good for his health and well being. I'm starting to consider that maybe I'm wrong here and this is not, in fact, a big deal. Maybe some slight schedule changes would be enough to keep it under control, while I could allow him to eat all the fruit he wants after all.