I can't do this anymore

[Peanut1989]

I came to bed at 10pm and this is the third wake up of the night already. DS is 17 weeks old and is so much worse now than when we was a newborn. I thought we were doing badly when he was going three hours but he's managed to prove me completely wrong and I'm not at the stage of not being able to see properly and I am constantly cold and shaking because I am so tired. I've gone numb to my life too and regularly burst into tears. I need to get away but I can't even have a break, during the day the only time he doesn't scream is when he is on me. I can't keep doing this.

Poor you! It's absolute torture, I remember it so well and my daughter is in her 40s!

Can you find a childminder who might take little one for a couple of hours while other mindees are in nursery/Pre-school? Even if they just take little one out in the Pram for a walk while you grab some sleep.

It will get better but you need some help and your partner/husband should be stepping up.

Would you be able to bed share? I did from about 8 weeks old and my god it was amazing. My son is not a good sleeper and always woke up heaps but when we bed shared he would wake up reach out for me and settle back to sleep when he felt me there. Or have boob lol. Either way I could sleep. There is advice on safe bed sharing on the lullaby trust website

You can refer yourself to Homestart for some support. They will match a volunteer to you and they will come and sit with the baby whilst you rest. If you feel comfortable with it they can take your little one out for an hour or so.
I worked for them and they are an amazing lifeline for families.

www.home-start.org.uk

It gets better, we are 20 weeks and on the up-it all went to shit at 12 weeks but the last few days are better.
You just have to keep going as there is no magic bullet for this.

Your partner may work FT but he isn't even bring a PT parent by the sounds of things. He doesn't get to opt out when he's at home just because he works. My DH does all changes when he's home, sorts washing, cooks and takes shifts at night to make sure I get a core of sleep. No reason your DP can't do more. You're burnt out because you are basically having to look after his needs and the baby's when he should be looking after you.

Make sure you are doing nothing but essential housework and only go to the classes that bring you joy.

You don't need to be super mum to everyone. Good enough mum to your baby is more than enough. Be kind to yourself.

Op be as kind as possible to yourself. You are doing brilliantly in an incredibly difficult situation.

Definitely push for CMPA investigation.

When the crying is relentless - headphones and an audiobook/music.

I found a stretchy wrap sling a lifesaver during the day.

Essential housework only. Pretty much dishes and laundry. Can you get a cleaner for a few weeks?

Likewise cooking- ready meals are fine. Toast is fine. Your DP cooking is more than fine.

There are homestart volunteers, they may be able to help. I think your health visitor refers you.

It does pass, you will both get through this.

You need to be more kind to yourself. The four month sleep regression is a killer and can last a little while. Forget about all the housework and extra tasks that are non essential. Whenever he sleeps during the day make it a priority to rest. Your husband needs to step up and if he uses I can't do anything as your breastfeeding excuse give him a list of jobs that will help you. Show him this thread. Definitely check out allegeries and maybe adapt your diet to dairy free or similar if you are breastfeeding. Try to have some comfort and reassurance that this is a phase and you will look back on it like a distant memory. X

@heckythump01 thank you for the link, we do have a similar set up at the moment but in individual parts. We started with the anti-reflux pillow but DS is a wriggler and kept falling off so we bought the positioned just to keep him still.

@mammafo he hasn't been tested for anything yet but I have an appointment with a paediatric gastroenterologist on tuesday so I'm going to push for it then so I may finally get an answer.

@seaandsand83 I actually haven't been to any classes this week, I'm becoming a hermit. Unfortunately we would struggle with the ready meals as DP is dairy intolerant and there is dairy in everything so the vast majority of our meals are all from scratch

@IamEarthymama I would use a childminder but it's the cost. I'm in stat and DP is on an apprentice wage because he is retraining. We have applied for UC but because we are both in education (me evening classes) they are taking their time processing and keep saying they need different things each week

@wifeofbikerviking we did bed share when DS came home in October until Christmas when I got him into a beside the bed cot. He is such a wriggler I was constantly paranoid he was going to fall out of bed or suffocate himself as he did fall from the bed to the beside the bed cot a few times. I will look into it again though because at this point I am willing to try anything

@avocadoincident we actually have a homestart in my town so I will pop in and speak to them as I didn't realise they offered that service

@Megan2018 everyone keeps telling me it will get better but I'm still waiting to see the light at the end of the tunnel

@worldendingfire & @putputput thank you for the kind words. I am trying to be kinder to myself but it is difficult to not feel like a failure when I'm struggling so much. I think we are conditioned as young girls to believe a baby is easy and if you aren't perfect then there is something wrong and of course older generations don't tend to help with their "words of wisdom" which are often sharp and cutting because they have forgotten the hard parts

I'm so thrilled you have a Homestart. Get there ASAP as who knows how busy it is.

They can also give lifts shopping or to appointments if you don't have a car. I looked after children whilst mum went to medical appointments and sometimes I went in as an advocate and an extra pair of ears. Sometimes we'd go for coffee and a chat.

I also accompanied mother swimming as an extra pair of hands.

Most often I'd take children to the park so mum could shower and sleep.

So think about what you need that will make your life easier and talk to the charity to see what they can offer. The rams if things I did was endless

I'm so sorry you're going through this and completely empathise as my baby was exactly the same and everyone told me things would get better at 6 weeks, 12 weeks, when he had food etc etc, so you cling on just that bit longer each time but sleep deprivation is so bloody awful. At 9 months, when he was STILL waking up every hour, I eventually started calling 'sleep trainers' and found someone who I clicked with and she helped me with very gentle routines and tips over a 6 week period via phone and email- no crying it out etc and honestly the best thing was having one voice to listen to rather than the endless googling and just knowing that someone was there for me. If that feels like an option, then I'd definitely recommend it. I kept holding off due to cost but wish I'd caved sooner for my own sanity and health. I also second home start - for some stupid reason I didn't follow up that suggestion at the time but that's exactly what they're there for. I know it doesn't feel like it will ever end, but I hope I can offer some hope in the form of a now three year old who sleeps 12 hours a night.

So for a little update. Last night I hit breaking point. From 3pm DS refused to nap so I gave him his bath earlier than normal at about 6.30pm, fed him and he was asleep on me at 7.10pm. Came downstairs and I was sat in front of the fire trying to get warm and woke up on the floor an hour later so decided to go to bed, by this point it was about 9 so I tried to dream feed to keep him down so I could get a few hours before he was awake again. He was awake at 11, 12.30, 1.30, 2.15, 3.45, 5 and 6 all the while DP decided to put ear plugs in so has no idea. I couldn't take it anymore and am now sat downstairs in tears again and of course it sounds like DS is dead to the world now.

I don't know what to do anymore.

We have already paid for a sleep specialist who took that long giving us the sleep plan he had already changed so it is a waste of money and paper and I have tried getting in touch with her and all she replies with is phone consultation prices which we can't afford again.

We have got in touch with DP's parents who are going to come and sleep in the living room and look after DS overnight but they cannot come for a few weeks.

I'm getting to the stage of not wanting DS near me as I am that frustrated and sick of being screamed at and punched in the face/neck. My ears are constantly ringing because he is so loud and I thought my back was bad before (back injury), now I am in agony all of the time. Even sitting down hurts.

I could have written your op word for word op, are you breast or bottle feeding? I would cut out dairy for 72 hours. I did this with dd1 and had a different child - felt so guilty I hadn't tried it before ( my DH is also dairy intolerant)

If you are breast feeding cut dairy out of your diet - be aware dairy is in a HUGE amount of products and listed as alsorts ( there are lots of websites that list what to look out for.) it was really hard for me to switch but I can not tell you how worth it, it was. It may not be this but if you give it a go before your consultant appointment it may save some time and you can tell them whether it was effective or not.

Just be aware, dd is now also intolerant of soya (the protein is really similar to one of the proteins in milk).

If you want more Dr based support maybe try your GP and they may prescribe nutramigen ( or similar not sure what is recommended nowadays) it's sounds like a GP appointment for you may not be a bad thing anyway!

Hang in there OP

I was you OP. My son was exactly the same. He was in pain from the reflux but I was numb to him because nothing I did seemed to help. The depression was crushing. I wish I'd stopped breastfeeding and gone to nutriminigen earlier. Trying to eliminate food from my diet was a pointless exercise and only added to my stress. You need the really bland formula. And the reflux drugs need the dose updating every 2-3 weeks. The GP won't automatically do it, in my experience. Your DH needs to take the weekend nights. You need to sleep in another room or better in someone else's house. Your mental health is so important. If you were anywhere near Oxfordshire I'd come help you. Any woman who has been down this road would help you.

Book a hotel and leave DS with your DP. He is as much his responsibility as yours. (As long as your not breastfeeding of course)

If you are not BFing, then leave your baby with DP for a night or two.

Tell him you need to sleep to be able to cope.

And go.

Doesn't matter if it's family, friend, B&B

You need to sleep. This will all break if you don't. Think of it as a necessary treatment for you.

Your baby will be fine for a couple of days without you.

It sounds just like classic sleep regression- we are just coming out of it at nearly 21 weeks. We were on 2hr wake ups until this week. There is probably nothing wrong with baby, so rather than try to “fix” him you need to get help with you. See your GP asap about your mental health. If you are well you will cope.

Oh OP I really feel for you. You sound exactly the same as me almost a year ago. I struggled a lot and ended up going to the doctors for help. I know how horrible it is. I always wanted two children but after the first I said never again!

Everyone always says it does get better, and it does, but I know at the moment you'll be sick of hearing it as I know I was.

I'm not sure if I've missed it above but have you been to the see the doctor about how you're feeling? My health visitor was useless and ignored me too but luckily my doctor was amazing.

I went to a clinic when DD was 5 months old and she recommended starting to wean. I know it's a sore subject as a lot of people say wait until 6 months but we had the advice and we went for it and that's when things changed for us and she started sleeping for longer periods.

I don't know where you are in the country but if you're near me I'm happy to meet (I'm in a new town and don't know anyone!).

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
You mentioned your DP is lactose intolerant. Perhaps your DS is too?
My DS had reflux and slept very badly - I was at breaking point too, sleep deprivation is torture. We had no family in the country, but thankfully could afford to have a night nanny for a couple of nights a week for a few weeks.

In Australia there are residential mother and baby units to help mothers with babies (Tresilian centres), is there any equivalent in the UK now? There wasn't when I had my son... if not it's a gaping hole in social services.

This absolutely sounds like CMPI. Not lactose intolerance. With a generous helping of a fucking useless disgrace of a partner.

Dont leave that paddy's office without an NHS script for hypo formula. I've got a feeling this will make a huge difference.

In the meantime definitely go and stay at s friends for a couple of nights. Your partner will just have to step up.

Paddy?!??! Paed!

You poor love. I really feel for you. The early days are really just the hardest thing in the world.

You are doing an amazing job

Please call homestart.
Try the dairy free diet and see if that helps. And try and sleep when he sleeps.

Wishing you well

@Peanut1989 how did you get on last night? X

So on Friday we were back at the doctors. They have now joined us in thinking there is something wrong and have put a referral through to get testing done in Tuesday when we are at the hospital. Dr recommended giving calpol every 4 hours over night to ease his stomach discomfort and we also bought some of the bloom and blossom spray for his bedding and on friday we only had 3 get ups!! I've also cut out dairy completely and the blotches don't seem to be anywhere near as bad so to me it now looks like an intolerance. Last night was 4 get ups but I'm still seeing it as a win.

I am EBFing so can't get away for a fee nights but for the last few days I have been expressing and DP's parents are coming sleeping in the livingroom in Tuesday and are going to do the night feeds so we can get at least 1 uninterrupted night.

DP has booked off next week from work so we can try and get everything sorted and stop being at each other's throats constantly so it will be nice to have that support.

Thank you everyone for all of you kind words and help you have offered. It has made me feel sane when nothing else did and it is nice to know I'm not alone.

It sounds like you may be turning the corner on this - so glad to hear it. I hope you get some answers following the testing.