Overweight DD - how to address it without causing further issues?

[cuppateamum]

My lovely DD is 8 (just), I don't know what she weighs but I have to buy her age 10-11 clothes to get them to fit her (they are always too long!). I'm certain she'd be in the 'obese' section of the chart. And her weight/chubbiness is continuing to rise despite my efforts to monitor/curb it.

She's always been near the top of the growth charts from about the age of 18mths, second top precentile for weight and height. So she is tall but also now undeniably overweight, with a double chin and much spare chub around her waist. I don't want to weigh her for fear of making it an 'issue'.

She had inherited her dad's body shape - he is 23 stone+ and carries all his weight mourned his waist and lower back (also tall @ 6'3"). She also seems to have inherited his inability to see food and not eat it.

She will literally eat anything she comes across. Steals food, mainly anything sweet (to the extent the 'snack' cupboard is now locked - we thought removing the availability might help). Eats meals very quickly. Takes food off other people's plates. Does like healthy stuff and veg (and that's what we eat at home) but also has a real love of carbs and sugar. When I ask her what she's had for lunch at school sometimes she will admit she had extra bread, extra potatoes, and seconds of pudding...

2 DS's who eat the same diet at home are both slim. They all have one snack morning, one afternoon, one of those is always fruit or savoury (eg oatcakes, crackers etc), one more sweet but I try and stick around 100kcal. Pudding a few times a week but usually something like yogurt, maybe choc mousse - small stuff not extravagant.

She swims once a week and has various other after school activities, could be more physically active I suppose but seems pretty average on that front to me. I don't have any available time to add extra activities after school, it's all booked out. We walk to/from school almost every day (30 minutes total).

I'm so worried that this will become a psychological issue for her as well as a physical one. She is already aware she's overweight, I tell her her health and eating healthy should be the focus.

I'm going to speak to school re: seconds but dinner ladies are old school who apparently make them eat everything on the plate before pudding is allowed... I get the no waste thing but I am not sure school will be much help.

She needs to lose weight - I need to find a way to get her weight/obesity level down. I want her realise it's not good for her to overeat. How can I get her weight down whilst making sure I'm taking care of her mental health too? And help make sure she stops secret eating and develops a healthy relationship with food? TIA...

This is a really difficult one. I am very overweight and was a chubby child. My parents used to single me out against my siblings and put me on a diet and I had to have diet food or less than my siblings and I have a dreadful relationship with food to this day. I wish to an extent they had accepted that I was just chubby and not made such s big thing of it. When I look back at pictures of me I wasn't even that big, now I am. Although you don't want to weigh your daughter perhaps you should so you know how much of a problem it really is? Sorry I'm not really helping but I just wanted to share my experience as I do feel it's contributed to me comfort eating my whole life.

Sorry just to add - I always felt hungry as my mum gave me very small portions as she felt I was overweight. Maybe bulk up the meals with more veg etc so she does feel full and satisfied.

Thanks boomboom, that is helpful actually. I wouldn't intentionally single her out but your reply reinforces how important it is to avoid that. And I will get her on the scales (I think with the excuse of needing to know if she can go without her car booster seat!)

Thinking about it more I think maybe she eats/craves carbs over protein and so may feel hungry again soon... more protein and veg to fill their plates!

It sounds like her dad also has a weight problem, which won't be helping - if she sees him over-eating, or eating unhealthily, it will be difficult to reinforce the message that healthy eating is good. Can you get him on board too?

Agree that you might need to boost the protein intake. You ought to be able to reduce the sugar content quite easily by simply going for the no-sugar/low sugar option on everything including things like baked beans.

Is there someone at your GP's surgery you can talk to about making dietary changes . And you do need to find a way to weigh her without making a big thing of it, just so you have a starting point and at least then you will KNOW what kind of figure you're looking at.

And finally - young children can be quite overweight but go through a growth spurt in early teens which can outstrip the "puppy fat" - my DD was, by her own admission now, a chubby child. She shot up in her teen years and became very very slim. Her diet and activity levels didn't really change.

I wouldn't just lock the snack cupboard, temptation will still be there, and will make it worse as stuff seen as "forbidden" will be wanted even more. Just stop buying crisps and biscuits etc.

Also, do you need to ofter dessert? If they have school dinners, then they will already be having dessert and don't need another one.

I know this sounds harsh, but if your dh is 20+ stone, then this is not setting a good example, and probably the portion sizes that you're serving are too big. This needs to be a whole family thing, that way she won't feel singled out.

Agree with the above, my dd 6 is about 3-4lbs overweight, bigger meals with more protein and veg, limit sweets / carb snacks, rather than a slice of toast with peanut butter offer an apple with a teaspoon of peanut butter instead. Myself and dh are not slight but not huge either.

Good idea to weight using car seat as excuse - measure her height too so it's less obvious. Get her making healthy snacks with you - veggie muffins, fruit salads to encourage healthier eating.

Also any excuse to get out, walking, bike, scooter etc to get moving. It's hard but your doing great just by addressing it now and not putting your head in the sand.

I’ve only got 1 kid and I’m a single parent so I know for me it was easier... but I got us fit bits, Fitbit scales and heathy cook books, made it all about being healthy, exercise wise, bmi and diet last

Your husband needs to realise that his behaviour around food is a huge contributing factor to your daughter’s problem.
Is he in any way concerned about her ?

Love pp’s Idea about fitbits - you could get one too and encourage each other. Would your dh wear one too?
Write a food diary over a week - it really helps to see it written down and then you can see where changes are needed.
What does she have for breakfast?
Can you make the walk to and from school 10 minutes longer?

How is your DH 23 stone ? Ie is it portion size, snacking, beer...?

I was a miserable child that comfort ate and was weighty, don't just lock the snack cupboard get rid of it. Get her on a bike, out walking running, swimming, get her laughing and happy, your hubby needs to join in too x

Try more protein to fill her up, and reduce the sugars and refined carbs. Ideally, your plate would be half vegetables, quarter protein and a quarter complex carbs. Swap potatoes for sweet potatoes or new potatoes, and i learnt yesterday that cold new potatoes have less starch than hot ones, so better for you.

Making a big change at once is tricky and noticeable. So I'd start with one meal eg breakfast until the healthier eating is habit, and then work on another meal. What's for breakfast? Ditch sugary cereal and go for oats with fruit, or protein such as eggs/beans. You can do flour-free pancakes (replace flour with mashed banana) as a treat.

This is so tough. I was chubby as a kid and my parents did everything right. They are a healthy weight themselves, cooked healthy food but with the occasional treat (so nothing was "forbidden", did exercise as a family, and they did talk about being a healthy weight but mainly focused on health and feeling good in regards to food.

Unfortunately it didn't help, I still over ate. I'm still overweight to this day.

Sorry that wasn't helpful. I'm just trying to offer sympathy as I know how tough it is.

I don't think kids need puddings with every meal. If they are having one at school that's probably enough? Also I read that regular snacks (of any kind) increase insulin resistance and can lead to problems. It might be better to just stick to three square meals and reduce snacks. I agree with other PP about not having junk in the house. That's an easy kickstart to weight loss. I gave up refined sugar 1 month ago and am really pleased with how much better my clothes fit. Weight loss is 80% diet and 20% exercise. Overall, I think you need to treat this as a 'family getting fit and healthy lifestyle change.' Can you find some activities that you can do as a family, maybe junior parkrun or cycling? Like you say it's a difficult one as you have to be mindful of her self esteem. I think your husbands weight is dangerously high. (Sorry).

I agree you don't want to use the diet word. My dd was a little overweight and became quite self-conscious of it. We talked about it and agreed to start by tweaking just 2 things about her food habits (in her case she decided to stop having a bag of crisps at lunchtime and to drink water instead of orange juice at dinner time.) I reckon this cut her calorie intake by about 300 cals per day, and at the same time we started to do a regular Sunday walk (3 or 4 miles). Within six months she had lost half a stone, and the changes were relatively easy for her to adjust to. I also agree with increasing protein in her diet and trying to offer low GI carbs such as oat cakes.

If your daughter is overweight and your husband obese then you need to stop buying any sweets and snack food.

Thank you everyone :-)

Much of this confirms what I already really know/think/do, I'm just feeling so anxious to not say/do the wrong thing, it's so helpful to have agreement and validation.

Portion wise and balance I think we're good at. Loads of veg, only brown rice/pasta in small portions, low sugar snacks at least 50% of the time. Fruit but not tons of it and very rarely fruit juice. Actually I'm ok at it - DH gives the kids portions that are too big but he works away so that's only a weekend issue.

DH has always been significantly overweight. Bone of contention and if I "go on" at him about it he tells me to eff off and eats more. However he does now say he's sick of it and wants to lose some - I've heard it many many times before but hopefully this time it'll happen. So totally agree that if I can make this a family thing it'll help (DD and DH too!)

It kind of flummoxes me that DD has exactly the same attitude to food and eating habits as her dad... even though he's only around 2 days a week??!

Breakfast DD recently started having overnight style oats with berries and low fat greek yog, I started having it and she's copied and it's going well.

Am wary of cutting all sweet snacks/treats, as a child my mum was very anti sugar/sweets so I used to nick cash to buy sweets. I know from her mentality that forbidden things are oh so attractive! So will try cutting back first.

Ohmygoodness 'go noodle' looks brilliant, she loves to dance so we'll definitely have a go of that. And I didn't even know kids fitbit exists, will have a look at that too.

Plan: fewer snacks. Very few sugary ones. More protein. Go noodle, try and get more exercise in at the weekends. Put food onto plates in the kitchen and only have veg on the dining table (this is a new family plan anyway, part of hubby's attempt to shrink). Chat with DH about kids portions, once I've weighed/measured DD and can point out that this is categorically something we need to address.

School dinners - she has 3 times a week, I've always encouraged them to have it for variety and new dishes. If I cut them I can control what she has, but younger DS may kick off (difficult - he doesn't eat sandwiches... would struggle to find 5 lunches that aren't sandwiches!) - thoughts welcome?

Recommendations of lo/no sugar snacks gratefully received :-)

I have exactly the same issue with my dd1. Not so much stealing food but constantly wanting everything. The child plans what she's going to eat 2 weeks on x date.
I'm trying to find the balance - reducing portion sizes & having pudding less frequently but it's a minefield.

Could you get her to eat more slowly, practise mindful eating, taking time to assess how satisfied she is, sitting at a table without any distractions whenever possible? This is a great skill for everyone. Taking a portion of food then once it’s finished, consider whether you really want another (better if next portion is only protein and veg).

FWIW I do think certain people respond differently to simple carbs (including sugar), in that they have some and massively crave more. It’s almost an addictive response and it’s inbuilt. So the more you can minimise these the better, try and keep them to one meal a day perhaps. Personally I think high fat snacks are better than crisps/bread/sweet stuff. At least things like peanut butter, avocados, cheese, full fat yoghurt full you up properly, and they have more nutritional value.

Sounds a great plan op - I'm going to try it too.
Low sugar snack ideas:

Boiled eggs
Oat cake with dairy lea triangle and cucumber
Apple with tsp peanut butter
Hummus with carrot sticks
Popcorn

I also think it's a good idea to base eating around mealtimes, snacks only if they are really hungry- like after a swim / exercise. Both my girls eat so much better at mealtimes if they do t snack. Good luck op

Snack ideas

Peanut butter spread thinly on apple or banana.
Greek yoghurt with berries or banana
Cheese slices with apple, grapes or oatcakes
Homemade milkshake - milk, berries, frozen banana
Crudités and houmous....

X post Ellie!