Overweight DD - how to address it without causing further issues?

[cuppateamum]

My lovely DD is 8 (just), I don't know what she weighs but I have to buy her age 10-11 clothes to get them to fit her (they are always too long!). I'm certain she'd be in the 'obese' section of the chart. And her weight/chubbiness is continuing to rise despite my efforts to monitor/curb it.

She's always been near the top of the growth charts from about the age of 18mths, second top precentile for weight and height. So she is tall but also now undeniably overweight, with a double chin and much spare chub around her waist. I don't want to weigh her for fear of making it an 'issue'.

She had inherited her dad's body shape - he is 23 stone+ and carries all his weight mourned his waist and lower back (also tall @ 6'3"). She also seems to have inherited his inability to see food and not eat it.

She will literally eat anything she comes across. Steals food, mainly anything sweet (to the extent the 'snack' cupboard is now locked - we thought removing the availability might help). Eats meals very quickly. Takes food off other people's plates. Does like healthy stuff and veg (and that's what we eat at home) but also has a real love of carbs and sugar. When I ask her what she's had for lunch at school sometimes she will admit she had extra bread, extra potatoes, and seconds of pudding...

2 DS's who eat the same diet at home are both slim. They all have one snack morning, one afternoon, one of those is always fruit or savoury (eg oatcakes, crackers etc), one more sweet but I try and stick around 100kcal. Pudding a few times a week but usually something like yogurt, maybe choc mousse - small stuff not extravagant.

She swims once a week and has various other after school activities, could be more physically active I suppose but seems pretty average on that front to me. I don't have any available time to add extra activities after school, it's all booked out. We walk to/from school almost every day (30 minutes total).

I'm so worried that this will become a psychological issue for her as well as a physical one. She is already aware she's overweight, I tell her her health and eating healthy should be the focus.

I'm going to speak to school re: seconds but dinner ladies are old school who apparently make them eat everything on the plate before pudding is allowed... I get the no waste thing but I am not sure school will be much help.

She needs to lose weight - I need to find a way to get her weight/obesity level down. I want her realise it's not good for her to overeat. How can I get her weight down whilst making sure I'm taking care of her mental health too? And help make sure she stops secret eating and develops a healthy relationship with food? TIA...

Could your DD take a packed lunch?

I am also someone that battled with weight as a child/teen, my parents made it worse by never changing what they cooked etc but also constantly pointing out my weight issues(although largely in a gentle way) which led me to comfort eat. I have a better relationship with my body and food now but it will always be an issue. This is why I would say tread carefully. Make changes but do not announce it, just do it, kids will moan but tell them you are doing it to save money or because they are bad for the environment ie palm oil, they will eventually get used to it. Check any weight loss by how her clothes fit, do not keep weighing her and don't talk about diets or she should eat less. And always remember your DD's value is more than just her weight.

Popcorn (without butter/sugar) is a relatively good snack.

Muddlingalongalone Yes!! this is her. Just remembered at one party she literally ate so much she was sick... She has no off button. DS's and I have totally different attitude to food - like good food, enjoy it but then stop eating when full - but she is compelled to eat and eat.. DH is similar

sleepwhenidie I also think maybe there is something in this carb thing. Have always been focussed on the calories, eg avoid nuts etc but I think maybe I have to consider this too. We have no telly or distractions at meals but she still scoffs fast. Will maybe try small portion of veg and 'seconds', eg only putting half veg on the plate to start (not that I really mind hoe much veg she eats!)

Bless thank you, I'm so aware of what you say. I think I'll pretty much get on with changes with no explanation. And if they question it I can say we're all going healthier to help daddy lose weight (hopefully this may be two birds with one stone)!

Also, diet foods with artificial sweetener make you crave more sweet stuff.
For snacks stick to fruit, veggies, etc try to avoid processed foods.

I understand the forbidden stuff makes you want it more, we have a big box of sweets and chocolate (most from last Easter and Christmas!) that is free for dd to eat when she wants, but sounds like you couldn't do this.
It's tricky as you really don't want her to know that her weight is an issue.

Sounds good OP, just a couple of things.

Focus less on the calories and more on the protein. Nuts are so good - a couple of oat or rice cakes with almond butter is a great after school snack if needed, probably nore calories than a couple if biscuits but protein based rather than just sugar. Avocado is a great food, high in calories but amazing - smash it up and spread on a rice cake or oat cracker, or just eat with a spoon!

Low fat is often higher in sugar, swap the low fat greek yoghurt for regular greek yoghurt. It's not a huge difference in calories, but less sugar and more protein.

One thing you can move towards as your children get older is less snacking all together. Mine (13 and 11) get a small snack after school. Other than that all eating is done at mealtimes. There is a real snacking culture in the UK which doesnt help. My kid's activities all encourage them to bring a "snack and a drink" fe, as if having 3 hour gaps between eating is something to be afraid of.

You could put a lot on place e.g. more exercise, no snacks etc but she has a compulsion to overeat. It will be a never-ending struggle if this isn't addressed. Do some research and find out what treatment she could benefit from.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/real-food-real-life/201804/worried-about-your-childs-overeating-here-are-some-tips%3famp

I've had great success with my 8 year old (who is slightly different - also bolts his food, but is happy to eat at assigned times rather than raiding the snack cupboard) with the extra veggie plan - I often don't put carbs on his plate at all now, just the protein and 3 portions of veg (he does have sandwiches for school lunch - but with meat/salad filling).

In the 2 months since I started he's not noticed at all, but he's looking slimmer. What did for him was school dinners (huge dose of carbs) followed by pasta/pizza for dinner when we lived in Italy.

Just wanted to say thank you to the OP for this post. I am going through EXACTLY the same thing with my 8year old DD, all these tips sound great.

Thanks everyone I've gone from feeling pretty lost on this to feeling I've got a plan.

Barbarian yes total snack culture! Snack mid morning and afternoon has become habitual. Encouraged by school, not helped by the fact that lots of kids are met with a bag of sweets in our playground... Maybe I'll make dinner earlier (usually 18.00-30ish) a couple of days a week, cut the snack and they can wait for dinner instead.

Lunicorn thank you for the link, I had an inkling of this but am struggling to work it out (plus how to adress it), it's just not something I've experienced. But she has exactly the same food 'personality' as her dad (nature/nurture is another whole debate!) and I can see I have to somehow try and re-set that while she's little. I'll research more but the link is a great start.

butteryellow just done almost what you suggest and I had no complaints! Big pile of chicken, lots of salad and a teeny bit of flat bread. It's a dinner we'd usually have rice with but no rice tonight and not one complaint. I can see my shopping bill will go up as we eat more protein as my kids just ate a pile of the stuff... am happy for that.

Good luck fassbender, lets hope we can work this out.

Overall I've realised there is so much psychology involved in this. It's not just that she's greedy, or hungry, or naughty. She loves food, is compelled to eat and hates anything she thinks is an attempt to control her. (Hence if I say no she'll go nick food). So my overall plan is to cut the carbs, add protein, but not banish anything. Small sweet things occasionally and mainly on our more active days. Distract from food requests when possible, give something non sugar when the distraction isn't working. Find sweet-ish but low sugar recipes (oat bars etc) and take some time to cook them with her (she can take to school for snack). She's already been jumping about to go noodle and we'll add activity when poss.

so appreciative of all your insights and suggestions!

My DD is still very young, she's tall and is in larger size clothes although she's not chubby.
She eats for England!! My word I've never seen anything like it. I barely ate anything as a kid.
She's just started a running club, she runs twice a week as part with a group of kids her age and absolutely loves it! And also does a football class once a week. Regular, fun exercise is great for everyone overweight or not.

On a side note. Your husbands obesity is not going to help. It's going to normalise obesity. I'd be worried about that.

I just had a couple of thoughts.

Firstly, what does she drink? I would stick to water or weak sugar-free squash. Anything else will add calories but not fill her up. Also, when she says she is hungry, try encouraging a glass of water first. The signals of hunger and thirst can be similar. You may already be doing this – I didn’t notice it being discussed further up the thread but I might have missed it.

Secondly, the thing that jumped out at me was stealing food off other people’s plates. Simply from a behaviour point of view, that must never happen. Serious sanctions for that. I hope she also knows that if she is ever caught stealing food, such as from a classmate at school, she would be in very serious trouble at school and at home.

Of course I completely agree that you don’t want to shame her in any way for her eating, and it sounds like you have a great attitude to helping her, but I did wonder whether she is aware about what others think. For example, having second helpings of everything of school – does she consider what her friends think about this? Perhaps you can find a way to suggest that people ‘expect’ the standard portion of school dinner to be sufficient, so perhaps it is polite to manage with that amount of food rather than asking for more.

Likewise, before the next party, chat to her about the food they might be having, and what she thinks would be an appropriate amount to take, eg four triangles of sandwiches and two sausage rolls, so that she is having the same as her friends as that is what everybody would expect. If there are lots of leftovers, she should leave them for the party hosts because they will probably need them for packed lunches tomorrow etc.

It’s a delicate thing, but perhaps if she can be encouraged to observe the people round her and try to eat a similar amount of food to them, it would help her to learn that she doesn’t really need to eat more than everyone else.

Sounds like you've had good advice, if not already said I'd point out that at 8 she doesn't need to lose weight, she just needs to not gain it as she grows. Fine to weigh on pretence of car seat but I wouldn't do more than every few months at most. good luck with it all xx

Why don’t you ALL incorporate slimming world or something similar.

It’s not about being at a party or extra school dinners - it’s what she is eating at home. You control that.

I think you have to be honest with yourself here.

Smashed avocado on toast for breakfast, a frittata packed with ham, mushrooms, peppers, etc. for lunch, ban biscuits, sweets, cakes, crisps, nuts, nut butters and cheese from the house, and don't let her eat too much fruit. Big portions of full-fat meat, and tons of leafy vegetables/brassicas for dinner. Get her down to a gym rather than relying on swimming. If she's hungry, hardboiled eggs, jerky or lean ham.

Can I ask a totally ignorant question (as a non-parent), just from a point of curiosity, not in a why-don't-you-do-this way? How come not buying any sweet things doesn't work? I know people say this makes them 'forbidden' and therefore they'll obtain them behind parents backs but remembering back to my own childhood we ALL did this whether we were allowed treats at home or not - at the start of secondary school we were all completely obsessed with crisps, coke and chocolate. It was like currency almost (as was chewing gum for some reason).

I used to take the chocolate from the cupboards without asking as a child and my Mum would bollock me for it but it was worth it for the sugar hit. I think I even said to her 'why do you buy them if I can't eat them?'. I think she tried to explain about moderation but my sugar addled brain couldn't cope with it. It was as simple as sugar = nice, more sugar = more nice

I'm probably looking at this from a purely adult perspective but now I just don't go down any confectionery aisles in the shops so there's purposely none in the house for me to snack on.