2 year old is so hard and no longer have a life

[Dad2017]

Me and my wife have a very spirited 2 year old. He was a miserable baby and didn't smile much and always went through the worst phases where he would just moan for 2 weeks solid I.e as he was close to crawling or some other sort of development.

He went through a really good phase for about 2 months where he was really happy and then he got ill with something and then he got miserable again. Now it can change from day to day where 1 minute he's fine and then he can turn and he's sad which feels like for no reason.

As he goes to nursery 2 days a week he constantly picks up bugs and when that ends he ends up teething.

We don't take him out shopping or to restaraunts anymore as he can't sit still and will cause a scene and then just start crying.

My wife is an amazing mum but she is absolutely exhausted aswell. We don't really have a life anymore as we are both constantly exhausted as he also gets up at about 5-5:30 every morning.

Basically we are broken, miserable and we used to talk about having another one but we don't think that will happen anymore.

How do you get past this misery, exhaustion and still feel happy. We are both feeling depressed and don't really live a life anymore. We do love him so much which makes this so hard. Will this ever end

Hi. Yes it will end and another phase will take its place. Do u and your wife have anyone who can babysit for you or have him overnight once in a while. My son said something similar to what u are saying when his son was younger. He is 4 now and a complete joy. Stick with it. Things will change.

Our DS is 18 months and every day is a slog at the moment. There are good points in every day, but naps and eating are a nightmare. It must get easier... as lots of people go on to have 2, 3, 4 + children!

@DaisyChainsForever
It does get easier but every stage has its challenges. Make the most of the good points during the day and don’t dwell on the tough parts. I had 3 kids under 4 at one point so as u say it must get easier.

user1498572889 we do have friends but not much family but not anyone to look after him. We rarely have a night off and if we do it's to go out by ourselves. Never thought it would be this tough as he is completely different from both of us when we were kids (both really happy babys)

Only last night I broke down crying to myself as I felt like such a bad dad as I struggle to cope but I think the overtirdness contributed to it. I just wish this phase would end. He has some lovely moments and then gets cancelled out by whining or having so sort of tantrum

Yeah my mum had 4 of us with a 2 year age gap and she powered through which is why I'm ashamed of struggling as she had it so much harder. I really do try and think of all the good points but I think I let the frustration get to me and wish for just 1 good day now and then.

I go to bed between 8-9 now just so I can get some half decent sleep.

I am grateful for what we have so just have to push through and remember the good times and try not let the tough times get to us but it's so difficult

@Dad2017 The fact that you're on here asking for advice speaks volumes, u care about ur family and are not a bad dad. When I get to that point of exhaustion I have a couple of early nights, I'm talking 8pm! Yes it means I don't get much time to chill after DS has gone to bed, but a few nights of no tv + good sleep does me the world of good.

If you can afford it, I would say get some babysitting help in, not just so you can go out but also as an extra pair of hands enabling you to switch off or do other stuff. Having a difficult child can be so wearing and you need a break.

Thanks @DaisyChainsForever

Yeah the early nights definitely help get through the majority of the day. I thunk it's the feeling of I wish I could make my child happy. Like I said he can be absolutely lovely with the loveliest smile and then turns into this crying mess which feels like for no reason but I think it's normally it's because he's hungry, teething or tired.

I think I needed to vent and just get advise it's not just me

Thanks @Yika

Yeah I think this is a good idea. I think the worry for me on this is that he's quite sensitive so when he is spoken to someone he doesn't know he just comes to me tor a cuddle and sometimes silent crys. I might attempt it one night and see if I can find a regular so he gets a bit used to them

My eldest was the similar - always very very unsettled, upset, moany before a development spurt. It was absolutely exhausting. I remember two years old so well. I just couldn't work out what I was doing wrong.

It got better, although he still has grump moments now (he's 15 years old now!)

In hindsight:

Can nursery staff babysit! You need a break, even a couple of hours a fortnight for a pub dinner;

Love the child you have, don't compare. My DH kept wondering why DS wasn't like other children. In the end, we just accepted that it's because he isn't like other children! He's a clever, deep thinking, competitive child. He just wasn't good being a toddler.

I’ve had periods like this with my DS who is 2. Sometimes we have weeks where he is a nightmare. So whingy, clingy, tantrums. Won’t eat, doesn’t sleep. Then we have periods where he is an absolute delight.

I think it’s fairly normal for toddlers. I find it hard when we’ve planned to do something nice and he just whinges or cries and ruins it but I try to remember he is only 2 and easily overwhelmed by things.

I know it seems ages away, but it gets massively easier once they hit about 3.5 years. They need less intense constant interaction and can play alone in a safe place while you have a cuppa etc. I remember attending a wedding with 2 year old and it was exhausting just following her around and no second of respite all day (no family or friends there). A year later I was at another wedding, same venue and now 3 year old was off with children she met that day, dancing and playing while I supervised from a table with a glass of wine. Hang in there, it will suddenly get better.

Toddlers can be hard hard work. Do you get out of the house enough? We normally do a morning park visit home for lunch and nap and then out again home for dinner. Keep meals simple it’s less soul destroying when they refuse to eat. With respect to the illness; is this low level coughs and colds or something more serious?

We shift parent a bit too at weekends-one has a lie in/time for themselves sat the other Sunday, early nights it’s rare we are up after 9:30. We make sure we eat dinner together as adults at the weekends for some time together and watch films split over a few nights. Good luck you’ll get there it won’t last.

How does he sleep? Does he have a good routine?

My first was very hard work and still can be but a solid routine and enough sleep help. He needs predictability day to day and like to know what's happening next and what the rules are. If you relax the boundaries he falls to pieces.

Lots of praise for good behaviour and asking him not to whine but use his words helped us. It's mostly personality though, my second couldn't be more different! Five year gap as we couldn't face the thought of two before then.

Do you think it’s possible he could have an underlying disorder?

I would actually make an appointment with your gp or health visitor and discuss your concerns about his behaviour

Was going to suggest appointment with health visitor too, just to discount any underlying cause.

Try not to associate crying with sadness. Toddlers cry for many reasons: tiredness, boredom, frustration. It's a tough time, and some days it can be overwhelming. It gets easier in some ways, and you learn patience and resilience as a parent. Go easy on yourself. I have 4 and I still find some days really hard with a 2 year old... they're spirited little things! You sound like you're doing a briliang job.

*brilliant!

I think it also sounds as though you need to manage your expectations a bit if that doesn’t sound too unfair. I wouldn’t dream of taking my (most chilled out of all my 3 DS) DS who is 2 to a restaurant-he’s chaos and into everything, won’t sit, climbs pokes things and then starts running. We occasionally go for a coffee together but always in a take away cup so we can abort when he starts to get frisky. Hanging out with friends is hard work at this age too you never finish a conversation-supervising even at a distance. Things get easier and easier as they get older from this perspective. If you’re still trying to do/wanting to do these things you will feel depressed. What’s his overall routine like? How flexible would you be about it?

2 year olds are awful. In my opinion. I have friends who say they like the toddler age but personally I was counting the days when both of mine were aged 1-3. Now they are 4 and 7 and generally good fun. It’s still hard work but nothing even close to the living nightmare that my DS was at the age of 2. Couldn’t take him anywhere, up at 5:30 every morning, endless tantrums, ear-piercing screams, fussy with food etc.

Now he is a very bright, thoughtful 7 year old who is still sensitive but has a lot of empathy with others and is generally lovely to be around.

So it does get better. Some kids just aren’t happy as toddlers. Others are miserable teenagers. It depends!

Thanks everyone,

In relation to illness it's normally just runny nose and things similar to that. I have been suffering from health anxiety in regards to my son but seeing a counsellor which has helped a lot so I don't think he has any underlying illness as I think it's just temperament. When we have been to the doctors before they usually just dismiss and say he has a bug and in all fairness he goes back to normal pretty quick.

He's sleeping at the moment from 7:30 -5:30 but gave us a treat today and woke at 7. I think me and my partner see it a lot more difficult than other couples would as we are more sensitive ourselves so we find it harder to brush off where others would just say it doesn't bother them and it's normal

I think part of his sadness comes from communication as he can string lots of 2 words together and then mumbles like he's trying to talk so I feel he's going through frustrations with teething at the moment with the 2 year molars

Awww I really feel for you both! I have a now nearly 6 year old and she's been going through a difficult stage for a long time now, ever since she was about 2 maybe younger she's been hard to manage, it does change and it gets easier in some ways. parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world. I hope things get easier for you both. Parenting with anxiety or any sort of mental illness is SO hard, relax when u can and enjoy the good moments as much as you can. Remember to breath and think before you react to a situation because believe it or not a child thrives off of negative attention just as much as positive. Try ignoring the bad behaviour (when safe) ignore the cries when u know they're just strops. Sorry not much for advice than that. Good luck xx

I agree, I think sometimes our expectations are a bit high and we need to go with the flow and enjoy what we can. He can be happy one minute and whiny the next and I think at that point is because he gets confused about his emotions. He seems to be learning new words every day and seems really intelligent.

I think he will be quite sensitive when he's older as he will never hit anyone and will never fight any other kid for a toy. I think we definitely just need to enjoy the moments more and maybe speak to the health visitor as I think my wife needs to vent more.

When I say disorder I don’t mean illness I mean more like autism or adhd. Often the first signs people notice are a ‘difficult’ baby and toddler

Do consider hearing problems too though

It is a phase, it will pass, another will be begin. Some kids are just hard work I'm afraid.

It's so bloody frustrating though, I'm 4 years in, and had an incredibly easy time with my 1st one, so was totally unprepared for this fresh hell.

It does get easier.

But, you both seem to be putting a lot of high expectations and pressure on yourselves. Just go back to basics and break the cycle of preparing for the next phase, as your child will feed off of your anxiety.
You also both need to agree some plans of action and strategy as well, what to do when it gets too much, how can you handle the scenarios better, what can you change. When you tip it on its head and give it a fresh look, it often changes the picture.