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2 year old is so hard and no longer have a life

55 replies

Dad2017 · 10/03/2019 18:59

Me and my wife have a very spirited 2 year old. He was a miserable baby and didn't smile much and always went through the worst phases where he would just moan for 2 weeks solid I.e as he was close to crawling or some other sort of development.

He went through a really good phase for about 2 months where he was really happy and then he got ill with something and then he got miserable again. Now it can change from day to day where 1 minute he's fine and then he can turn and he's sad which feels like for no reason.

As he goes to nursery 2 days a week he constantly picks up bugs and when that ends he ends up teething.

We don't take him out shopping or to restaraunts anymore as he can't sit still and will cause a scene and then just start crying.

My wife is an amazing mum but she is absolutely exhausted aswell. We don't really have a life anymore as we are both constantly exhausted as he also gets up at about 5-5:30 every morning.

Basically we are broken, miserable and we used to talk about having another one but we don't think that will happen anymore.

How do you get past this misery, exhaustion and still feel happy. We are both feeling depressed and don't really live a life anymore. We do love him so much which makes this so hard. Will this ever end

OP posts:
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trexismyfriend · 10/03/2019 22:13

To add, I felt like with mine that he was always pissed off. Looking back I think it was because of learning to sit, crawl, walk, and then lastly talk.

Now he's just turned 4 and he can do the lot, it's a lot easier because he isn't so bloody frustrated all the time. He does get mad when he can't get his point across, but he's just a fiery personality, and I've had to relearn how to parent that type of child.

People keep telling me he will change the world, bloody better do, I need pay back 😂

MutantDisco · 10/03/2019 22:19

This is normal 2 year old behaviour.

My 2 year old has been getting up at 4am and earlier for the past few weeks. I just go to bed earlier.

It's tough but they're little for a very short while my six year old sleeps through

Dad2017 · 11/03/2019 06:21

Thanks again, I think from the sound of it all I need to do is be more positive and accept the 2 year old life. I'll keep pushing myself to smile and remember the good momements over the bad so it becomes natural rather than the other way round.

He is my heart and I think that's why it can hit me so hard.

On a good note he's slept past 6 the last 2 mornings and has woken quite happy. Even if it's just the last 2 nights I will accept it can get worse at any point.

Thank you for making our situation feel normal as I suppose that was what I was looking for Smile

OP posts:
Pinkpanther473 · 11/03/2019 06:31

I found this website helpful for understanding my toddler
www.ahaparenting.com/ages-stages/toddlers

I have a slightly different issue, a strong willed, passionate little girl with a powerful set of lungs!!
I still rely on this website heavily to keep me sane and keep a good relationship with my daughter.

Dermymc · 11/03/2019 06:37

Does he still nap in the day?

OneKeyAtATime · 11/03/2019 06:40

You described what we went through. The only solution we found was to put her in nursery full time which was a godsend. By that stage I could not care less about money loss. My mental health was more important. Good luck. It does get marginally better but it is still not great. I know many people who like us feel that had they known what having a child would be like they never would have had one.i guess it is not acceptable to admit so but more people than you would think feel this way.

Surfskatefamily · 11/03/2019 06:44

Hi, do you think maybe one of you could take over one evening /night a week and the other do the same for another. So that you each get a night off individually to recharge every week

Sipperskipper · 11/03/2019 06:47

It can be so tough, please don’t be too hard on yourself. I’ve got a relatively easy (for now!) nearly 2 year old and it’s still bloody exhausting!

I’ve found reading stuff by Janet Lansbury (she has a blog if you google her, books and podcasts) helps me make some sense of why DD might be whiny / tantrumming etc, and how to approach it. It’s nothing that will ‘fix’ anything, but does make me feel less helpless when she is like that.

Fatted · 11/03/2019 06:52

I found mine were always happier when they were out the house at that age. Take them out all day in all weathers.

He actually sleeps really well for a 2YO if he goes 7.30 until 5. I think you're probably better off getting yourselves up to bed earlier and doing early starts in rotation between you both. This is what DH and I did.

I do think you and DW need to adjust your expectations. Kids don't like shopping or restaurants really. Mine are 3 and 5 (6 this week!) and still hate shopping. I do the supermarket online when I can or in my lunch hour so I don't have to go with them! Maccies and pizza hut is about as good as eating out gets with my two. Yes, do grown up things with him as much as you can because you deserve a life too, but also make sure you're doing things he enjoys as well. Do something like the park or soft play in the morning, then they're usually tired and happy to chill in the buggy while getting dragged round the shops.

I had a 2 year age gap between mine, so I had a newborn in the middle of the terrible twos. It was hard. But in a good way, it meant I didn't have the time or patience to pander to my eldest and his tantrums. If he was hungry, tired or really upset I could deal with him. But the lying on the floor because he didn't get his own way just got ignored largely. I definitely found that age harder with my youngest because I did kind of try to fix his tantrums more. Now he's passed it and he's such fun to be around with his own personality.

chazm84 · 11/03/2019 07:04

No real advice, just to say hang in there. We're in a similar boat right now and the whining and whinging is driving me mental. Love DD to pieces but I'm just holding out for this phase to pass. Feel all the feelings and have a good cry- nothing wrong with that at all, we're parents doing our best, not perfect characters from a story book.

Zooop · 11/03/2019 07:16

I found at that she I used the sling (on my back) quite a lot to manage grumpy behaviour. Pop toddler up, leave the house and get fresh air, distractions and a cuddle all in one go. If she was whiny because she was tired she’d have a sling nap, if not I would walk to a different playground or have an unnecessary bus ride and we would sit at the front on the top deck and pretend to drive (can’t go upstairs on a bus with a buggy but I could with a sling) or just go to the supermarket and let her choose what fruit to buy (always blueberries!).

Barbarafromblackpool · 11/03/2019 07:28

That's good sleeping for 2 years old.
Agree; go to bed earlier and take it in turns to get up with him. Try leaving him a bit in the morning to stretch him out.
If he's a pain in restaurants, avoid it for now. Accept those things are not for you at the moment and try him again in a few months
Can you afford for someone to come to your house and watch him whilst you go out? We do this and it's actually more relaxing than going out at night as I'm then not worried about getting up the next day. Even two hours while you go for lunch or a walk is magical when you don't have your children with you. He'll get easier.

Dad2017 · 11/03/2019 10:04

There's so much I can take from this so thank you so much everyone, it's great advise and feel a lot more positive.

I think I'll definitely suggest taking turns in the evening to look after him so we get a break and he does go out a lot to play groups etc but I think I'll start taking him out in the open more as usually when we take him out somewhere it's inside.

He gets board really easily (Apart from anything related to paw patrol) so I'll go out on more walks with him.

Thanks again you lovely people and it's so nice there is a supportive community out there Grin

@OneKeyAtATime very tempted to add a day a week to nursery as that will give my wife a bit more of a break

OP posts:
WhenZogateSuperworm · 11/03/2019 10:17

Well after DS was a delight all weekend this morning has been a nightmare so far!

Managed to get him dressed and organised by 9am for us to get to toddler group to find it was cancelled. Then popped to the post office where he wouldn’t hold my hand, tantrumed and sat himself on the floor refusing to move unless I carried him.

I’m 38 weeks pregnant with SPD so carrying him out kicking and screaming isn’t an option so I’m
ashamed to say it took a Milky Way bribe to move him.

We are now back home and he is watching Charlie and Lola on the iPad while I sit on the sofa having eaten the contents of the snack box.

Parenting fail today.

InionEile · 11/03/2019 15:21

Just saw you mostly do indoors stuff with him and wanted to agree with a pp that, yes, definitely do more outdoors stuff! My DS was always happier at that age being outdoors - hikes, walks, digging in the mud, sand pit, trips to the park, farm etc. I spent what felt like centuries at various local parks at that age. They really thrive on fresh air at the toddler age for some reason.

In general, I found that from about 18 months - 4, maybe 4.5, your life just has to be kid-oriented. They’re not a baby that you can cart around with you anymore but they’re not school-age either where they have the sense to behave (a little bit!) on a shopping trip or at a restaurant. Personally I found it the toughest age to parent but it does pass and before you know it, they’re off to school and behaving almost like a vaguely civilised human.

Sipperskipper · 11/03/2019 20:39

inion summed it up perfectly - we just don’t do many ‘adult’ things now (ie restaurants, shopping trips etc) as it is just far too stressful. If we do eat out for lunch it’s at our local pub, in the garden so DD can run around and go on the little climbing frame!

Also agree about getting outside - we make sure we spend the majority of our time outside (in the garden / Park / woods) - we don’t get very far as DD likes to explore and isn’t the biggest fan of walking (again, something I find hard - used to walk miles with the dog most days!) but she is noticeably happier when she has been out in the fresh air (as am I!)

Dad2017 · 11/03/2019 20:59

Yeah I think the key is to get out as much as possible. He isn't a massive fan of walking and then demands to be carried and it's not easy as he is 99 percentile for both height and weight and is the size of a 3-4 year old so sometimes people think he's a lot older than he is.

We had a good night and stayed positive even when he started whining so really distracted him and he was happy again.

Going swimming on Saturday and he does love water so should be fun Smile

I'm going to make the most of it even through the hard times and keep trying to remain positive so it becomes natural rather than feel down and let that be normal

OP posts:
anniehm · 11/03/2019 21:03

Two is a really active age, certainly recommend plenty of outside time both garden and park even in poor weather, also less pushchair even if it's hard work as an energetic child can be a naughty child. My dd is autistic and two was really hard (I also had a newborn) but wearing her out meant she slept more!

Dermymc · 11/03/2019 22:04

Agree with those saying get outside as much as possible. Even if you put wellies on and splash in the garden, or go to the park. Fresh air really does help wear them out.
My little one loves walking so the pushchair is almost redundant. Have you tried a scooter or similar?

bookmum08 · 11/03/2019 22:16

If he isn't a fan of walking then use a buggy. Don't force him to walk if he will just whine and drag and want to be carried. That comes under the choose your battles thing. Just use a buggy and screw what anyone else might think (as he looks 'older').
2 is tough. I used to call it having PITA syndrome - Pain In The Arse! Don't expect too much from a 2 year old. Eating out really is just McDonalds at that age and they have the attention span of a knat.

Barbarafromblackpool · 12/03/2019 06:53

Definitely use a buggy. I used a buggy on and off with older two until they were nearly four. They both walk fine now. People really don't care. (Except on mumsnet).

Whattodowithaminute · 17/03/2019 18:27

Hope you’ve all had a better weekend OP.

Sandrine1982 · 26/08/2021 12:36

Just thought I'd revive this thread and ask @Dad2017 whether things have improved?

I came across your thread because we are living through something similar with DD...

I'd love to hear that there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Is there? :-)

CustardyCreams · 29/08/2021 06:11

Yeah it’s a big struggle at this age. My son only goes to nursery two days a week but he seems to catch a cold most weeks. I then spend the days in between seemingly getting him well enough to go back next week, often having caught his cold too so I’m unwell when he’s in nursery!

Remember two year olds can’t blow their little noses, so a streaming cold is a miserable experience. We use those little saline puffer sprays to help clear his nose, and I own a good quality cold air humidifier for night time coughs. I don’t bother with GPs or HVs as they just tell you to go away again.

I would not DREAM of taking mine to a nice restaurant, nor even a cafe. We tried it once last summer and I think he sat for about four minutes. Then he wanted to explore. My older DD was totally different, she would sit and crayon, read books, do a puzzle. But DS is an adventure seeker. I do think of it like that - I give it a nicer label in my head, and it makes it seem easier. He is now 2 and 9 months and we have, bravely, a attempted one of those all-you-can-eat buffets, and predictably he did like enjoy getting up every five minutes to get another little plate of food, and seeing all the food he can choose from. My DD would have hated it at that age as she doesn’t like trying new food even now age 10.

We have become big fans of picnics and street food, so we can still go out and enjoy ourselves with our 2 y.o. I’ve also invested in a mini Thermos so I can take pasta and sauce, an apple and some juice and then we can eat whatever (he won’t eat bread so can’t make him sandwiches).

I always say to my more impatient DH that we have to make allowances. When he’s had a cold, which sometimes has been 3 weeks out of 4 this year, he is usually very irritable for 24 to 48 hours after, presumably due to tiredness. I’m luckier than most as he sleeps until 6.15 usually, but for some reason young kids do wake early. As I’m an older mum, I opted to be a sahm this time around, so I do all the nights, all the early starts. I’ve been useless at sleep training so he still wakes two or three or four times especially when he is poorly. It’s brutal, physically and mentally. I was prepared better this time. Braced for the years of exhaustion. It is hard if you are working as well as dealing with a toddler when you get home ( I did that with dd1) but you do get time away from them, but then when you get home they are so clingy. In short I don’t think there is a simple solution to your problem; however you play it, age 18 months to about 3.5 is hard.

You definitely need to embrace early nights. Get your kid out in fresh air running around parks and biking or whatever, whenever they are well enough as it will help with their sleep and temper.

Oh and one last tip for the whingeing which i saw on YouRube no seriously helped my family! When Ds gets stuck in a cycle of crying about nothing (wrong colour pjs, pea fell onto his potato, can’t go to park in his Tshirt as it’s pelting down with rain, can’t watch Peppa pig for an entire hour, etc) than I first try the usual stuff (acknowledge his upset, soothe him, distract him etc) then if nothing helps rather than snap at him, I interrupt him loudly and say happily, “oh DS, you’ve cried enough now it’s MY turn” and then I screw my face up and fake sob. Then I brighten up, smile and turn to DD or DH if they are there be say, “that’s better. Your turn DH/DD” who will gamely play along too. Then I say to them “ ok enough, now YOUR turn again DS” and, quite literally, by this stage my ds has ALWAYS stopped crying and doesn’t cry again. He is fascinated when WE cry and it shuts him up completely, because obviously he is not really upset about the PJs/rain/TV/whatever, it is just emotional overflow that he can’t handle not getting his own way yet.

SpeechieE · 03/09/2021 18:49

I would also love to hear how you're getting on now OP, as I could have written your original post. I love my DD to bits, but she is starting to gain the nickname of "The Overlord" in our house... the banshee screams are quite something. I hope things have improved for you.