Circumcision

[beebee82]

I don't know what to do.

I have 2 sons with my husband, the youngest is 12 weeks old. He has two older sons from his previous relationship- both of those boys are circumcised, neither of mine are.

It's causing massive problems in our relationship, when I had our first son is was also a massive issue but I refused and eventually it stopped being something we talked about even though it's always been an underlying issue that has cropped up. He asked me if we could circumcise our new baby- I again refused and now it's just again a massive argument.

He wants it done for cultural not religious reasons- I don't see the point and also feel that it is not our decision to make , given it's not my penis or his, it's our sons!

The issue is so stressful that I think I'm better off leaving the relationship- husband said that not being circumcised might affect his relationship with them. I don't get it and I feel devastated.

Any advice gladly received 😞

I agree, Polter.

You do right by your sons, OP. They need you to protect them from meaningless mutilation.

I just wish he would agree with me, I can hardly look him in the eye, I'm not going to back down and I'm not going to get the boys circumcised but I just don't know where this will leave us as a family

Don't do it!
I was in a similar situation to you my husband thought we would be doing this also. (Muslim background in his family).
I was dead against lots of arguments when pregnant etc.
when baby born I simply ignored the subject and DH being a bit rubbish and male never orgenises anything so guess what it never happened! (DS1 is now 10). It's actually not that easy in U.K. To get one most GPS and paediatrians are anti without medical need.
Sorry I can't help more but stay firm on this one. X

Thanks, it's so exhausting 😞

Had a similar argument with my DS's father. We had our DD first and unplanned so obviously the topic never came up, but when DS was born he just assumed that it would happen. He wasn't actually aware that most European men aren't circumcised. I allowed it and deeply deeply regret it now. It's never caused DS any problems, but it was so unnecessary. I was just too young (18) and too inferior in the relationship to be able to argue my view. I wish I had.

Another one here saying stick to your guns.
If you're worried he'll try to go ahead without your permission you could speak to your GP first to say that you don't want it doing.
Apart from that you don't need to do anything, it's for your DH to come to terms with. He's being a bit melodramatic saying it'll affect his relationship with them.

What cultural reason is he using in the UK? The vast majority of British men are not circumcised. Other than the religious excuses, I can't think of any particular cultural element to it in the UK.

Both my brothers were cut, on my father's insistence. Like someone else said, my mum was too young to stand up to him. We are all also old enough that it was more common when we were babies. My younger brother in particular has never forgiven my father for it.

I really, really feel for you here. Stay strong and please do not let him go ahead. I could not stay with a man who insisted on an unnecessary surgery on a tiny baby.

Interesting thread this. Have had a conversation with dh about it is evening. He was circumsiced. We're expecting baby ds in September. He asked whether we'd get baby circumcised.

I asked why he was. He has no idea. As far as I'm aware it wasn't for religious reasons. His family are not religious at all. Dh wants baby to be circumcised but purely on the basis that he was.

I've told him to find out why he was. Then we can discuss it.

I've googled and for me it's a no unless medically necessary. I don't agree with putting baby through unnecessary surgery.

Dh said that all his brothers were too which makes me think either some sort of family medical issue which required it (in which case it'd be good to know) or religious beliefs which have so far not come to light (again good to know).

He won't ask mil. Sigh.

Can't you ask her? I agree it would be good to know.

ememem84 maybe your DH and his brothers were only circumcised because their father was? It's remarkable how many men want to circumcise their sons purely because they were, as you now know.

It's unlikely to be a family medical issue.

Why is it unlikely?

hey true, I'd still like to know why though.

dame I'd ask mil myself but she super dislikes me and doesn't speak to me. So it'll have to be dh who asks.

He's of the opinion that basically everyone does it, and that it's ok because it's elective surgery. I'm not sure I want baby boy to go through unnecessary surgery at our whim.

More research needed I think to make a proper decision.

Dh tried to liken it to something for girls - but couldn't think of anything. I did point out that fgm is illegal. He then suggested ear piercing for girl babies, some people do that and it's ok. I pointed out that it's not ok. And I wouldn't be doing that either.

Then he mentioned tattoos. Again I had to remind him that it's a choice (and illegal until 18 here).

His final try was that it'll upset his family if we don't. I'm yet to ask whether they will check...

ememem84 Is your DH American? Though the reference to tattoos is a bit mind boggling - which culture tattoos their children? The only tattoos I'm aware of, aside from prison camp tattoos etc, are ones where the tattooed person decided and chose it for themselves.

For anyone who is trying to convince a partner of the lack of evidence for circumcision, there's a very good episode of Penn & Teller's Bullshit which is online. It's skewed towards US culture. So perhaps if Muslim background less helpful.

There was a big chance our DS would need to be circumcised dud to S tight foreskin, but seeing a doctor in Spain (about something else) resolved the problem

Stick to your guns. No need for a surgery unless you have to.
Dh had it done for medical reasons when he was little.
Both ds are fine and no medical intervention needed ( well she n that department anyway!!!!)

What is his culture - which group or country or religion is he connected to?
What sort of man cannot relate to his sons if they have an intact penis! How much interacting does he expect to have with sons with naked penises anyway? Is he planning wee-ing contests when they are older or to show off penises to family members? Is he expected to spend an awful lot of time showing them how to have sexual intercourse which will require penis demonstrations?

bertie no he's not. He's from New Zealand. But still they don't tattoo their children either. He was clutching at straws I think. I got a tattoo last year. But I'm 32. So totally my choice.

No cultural reasons that I know of.
If it was for cultural reasons (other than "it's just what you do") and he could explain them to me I'd be open to it. Maybe not agree to it but would understand and be more willing to consider it if that makes sense.

I don't think I'm being difficult wanting to know why. He seems to think I am. He thinks it'll bother ds. I'm not sure how.

I said that if we say no, and there's no medical reason for it then if it bothers ds so much he can choose to have it done himself when he's old enough.

It's a weird one really. He's usually so laid back about stuff. This has really wound him up.

He swears it's something that they ask at hospital after baby is born - this is our first so I don't know this for sure - it may be. I'm tempted to check at my next midwife appointment and ask how common it is.

I have no idea why people still do this to their sons, its outdated and backward. yes not very PC of me I know but I believe its unacceptable to mutilate a child's body just because the parents want to!

thankfully its getting harder to do this in the UK now, the NHS are crystal clear that its not to be done unless for medical reasons. A lot of GPs and surgeons that used to do it dont any more because they know its frowned upon.

My Husband was circumcised (South Africans tend to) but there was no way he wanted it for our ds - not that I would have allowed it anyway!

I would tell DP that this is making you very anxious, thinking that he wants to subject DS to an unnecessary medical procedure, that his threat to not bond with them is emotional blackmail, and that this is a deal breaker for you. Then he has to decide whether he wants to leave you over it, not the other way around.

Please do make HV and GP aware that you are opposed, in case DH tries to do anything without you.

To be honest, unless there is medical need I do t think they'll do it now, certainly for the older one. Isn't it too late? Usually done on a younger child?

Tell your husband that you're both never gonna budge so they stay in tact til they can decide for themselves at age 21 (or whatever)
Tell him if it has an affect on his relationship with them then he's a fool .... or just tell him it would have an effect on your relatiionship with them, your husband and yourself if you let their delicate bodies be butchered (perhaps chose a better word lol )

It can be done at any time,older child or adult.

Tbh I had funny ideas about wanting ds done by it the second he was born I changed my mind and couldn't think of anything worse.

Weirdly,he needed it for medical reasons when he was older.

I know it can be, dame, just didn't think NHS did it later unless actually needed.

I don't think the NHS do it at all unless it's medically needed.