Talking to 11 yo dd about weight/ over eating.

[NoonarAgain]

Hi,
We are generally a healthy eating family. We love whole foods ( mainly vege) but enjoy cakes etc as a treat.

Dd1 is 11 and has always been a carb junky, wanting the biggest portion/ seconds. She will eat v healthy foods eg brown rice, pulses, soups... That many dc turn their nose up at, but it is still a struggle. She is obsessed with sweets, cake, crisps etc. doesn't get them that often- but s still obsessed!

A big issue is portion size and her having a huge appetite, and being naturally sedentary and wanting to play quietly in her room instead of playing out.

Also, school dinners, parties, grandparents' treats make a massive difference to her weight, which can increase visibly after a week of treats ( we just had 4 bday parties in a week).

I feel we have a good knowledge of nutrition but my dd is getting to the age when she seems to acquire sweets without my knowledge. If she were in a different family with different eating habits, I think she'd be huge :(

She is a very sturdy build and weighs roughly 39 kg ( height 147cm). She is a bit plump but very beautiful and healthy looking. She is not designed to be skinny.

(i also have a very active 9yo dd who is always playing out and eats when she's hungry. She is a naturally tiny).

I honestly feel quite clued up about nutrition etc but am still struggling to stop her gain weight. I have tried to talk to dd about making healthy choices and about portion size. She is going through puberty and unless we're carefully she will be a very overweight teen.

Any advice about how to discuss this issue sensitively? I m worried about the whole body image/ self esteem angle. I have had general chats about junk foods and obesity in modern times and how hard it is for us all to avoid unhealthy foods. I also tell her she's on the border between just right and getting a little bit plump. But it's so hard when she always wants more/ pesters for treats when out.

How do I get her on board with this and deal with it sensitively? She seems to listen for couple of days then slips back into old habits.

Any advice pease?

Noonar - no worries - I wrote most of my post and then got distracted and then posted anyway - so missed a huge no of posts ...
I think the sneaking bit is the bit you have to deal with - you have to try and make them responsible for it too...
(I did 'deprive' DD1 of junk ...and think that might be some of the problem - along with her wanting to do nothing but watch TV - it (and all screen time) was strictly rationed when she was little ...wonder how DD2 will go on - has had more junk and more tv in her 6 yrs than DD1 had in 10!)

But 147cm is 4'10" and 39kg is only just over 6 stone.

I just don't get how she can be "tubby" at that height and weight.

I wouldn't hide a little bag, but a tub that size, I just put away. She never eats all her Easter eggs though which I don't hide, but looking at that tub full of sugar made my insides heave. She didn't feel sick after eating the whole lot either. Neither did I hide the cake, she just ate it

curryeater - you put it so well. I will remind myself of this phrase (pour in the good stuff) when I'm struggling with how to deal with these things. Sounds also like you've done a great job sorting out how to food healthily. It's interesting what you say about fats as well as protein. I find avocados and nuts (which "dieting" friends have told me are a no-no) to be great for feeling full.

Oh ok Orange. I misunderstood. Sorry.

I disagree with giving them unrestricted access and they will self regulate. Some children will and some won't. I certainly never could. I would buy and sneak chocolate all the time. Lots of empty wrappers hidden in my room as a teen.

My kids were given a massive bar of toblerone each by a relative this weekend. They are in the fridge in full view but the kids (including the 12 year old) know that that can have one piece a day.

My mum once said to me (when the kids were younger and I was insisting she stopped feeding them treats all the time) that I could not control what they ate once they were older so what was the point now. The point is that if you teach them good habits all the way through their childhood (which absolutely involves having a degree of control over what they eat), these habits will stay with them when they are older.

I remember reading it's normal for children to retain a bit of extra weight as they go through puberty - are you sure it's not just that?

Venus, thanks so much. You speak wisely.

Curry, am sure she feels a little of that resentment you describe, but I am really big on that affirmation stuff :)

www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-23404682

Of interest? Doesn't really say what to do, but interesting to hear what other parents say.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-23404682

just wanted to comment on the clothes sizing issue here.

my dd is 11 like yours. she is tall and slim. her body is lithe, but for two yrs she has not been able to fit into clothes her size. It used to be that they were too short in the body, length of arms or legs.

Now it's because she has curves, slim or not she fits in an age 14 trouser. Puberty has come early to her (periods at nine and a half) and tho she looks tall, she has got bigger, hips, thighs without me really noticing.

Until she tries on clothes. Your dd's weight sounds good to me, and the fact she can't fit into 11 yr old clothes is not surprising. They seem tiny to me!

my dd is 159 cm btw. so a bit taller at about 5ft 1 ish.

but her hips and bum are deceptively bigger now. she has 'shape',

just measured her actually.

28 under bust
24 waist
33 hips/widest part.

blimey she is a girl after all!! (tomboy daughter!)

She is 145cm, just double checked our markings on the kitchen wall! And I'm estimating the weight gain since April. Baloonslayer, She is not obese, she is the very upper end of normal healthy range, but she is def plump ( thighs mainly but bottomand tummy - )small changes that may/ may not be linked to puberty or may have more to do with secret eating :(

I do agree with the points about clothing to some extent. If you are sturdily built you'll struggle to get into skinny jeans even if not overweight. But outgrowing your own clothes without getting taller isn't a good thing. For us it means sturdy turned into plump.

I just want to put a few things in place to keep her a healthy weight throughout puberty.

You say she is not very outdoorsy, could just be that so far she's not found something she likes. Have you exhausted all avenues? I don't mean drag her round endlessly to different activities but think and talk to her about doing "other things" that she might find fun - now is a good time to bring it up because it's the holidays and you don't want her to get bored (that's how I would play it). Roller skating, ice skating, wall climbing, skateboarding, mini golf - doesn't have to be swimming/ballet/running. Maybe she doesn't like being in a "team", I didn't, was very unsporty and indoorsy but mainly because I was on the shy side and didn't like the whole mixing with others and certainly didn't want to feel like I was "letting the team down".

oh sorry, meant to add that I think being active is the way to go. My daughter's diet is very carb heavy but she is tall for her age and very very active (3 x organised exercise activies a week plus never keeping still generally). Get her moving.

I really sympathise. Some of us like to read, visit museums. I am that person. I was a plump child. I've kept my weight in check (only just) in my adult life through sensible eating and swimming walking and occasional cycling. But it's hard hard hard. And not my natural inclination at all.

Your DD sounds lovely (as you know).

Do you think if over the sumner you cooked with her it would help her understand a bit more of the nature of the food she eats. Get her to plan menus.

I'm reading Raising Girls and one point in it worth raising - in early puberty girls' bones grow like never before. They need a lot of calcium at this age, which is why early dieting can be such a disaster. Limiting it at this stage runs the risk of osteoporosis in later life.

Noonar my advice is get a slow cooker if you have issues with meat. Do you not eat red meat? Red meat is filling, has lots of iron and allows fewer carbs.

Flab round middle at age 11 with otherwise healthy diet and fairly active lifestyle sounds like pre-growth spurt to me, tbh. I think it will quite literally grow itself out, and I would be terribly, terribly careful about making too much of an issue about it in the meantime. Eating disorders are so easy to fall into and can wreak such devastation - I am speaking from personal experience, and I was always a slim child but still got a weight-loss regime into my head at 15 which turned into skeletalness, stopped periods etc. I was very unhappy in other areas of my life, but that experience means I would always always err on the side of caution with delicate issues like this.

Yy to high-quality protein and fats. We are effectively a veggie household (dh and the dc eat meat but not here) and I make sure the dc eat eggs, seeds, nuts etc. My two are slim to skinny but it's clearly genetics - so again I think there's only a limited amount you can do once the basics of healthy lifestyle are in place.

If your dd enjoys sedentary pursuits, I wouldn't try to turn her into an older version of your dd2, iyswim. You seem to have activity built into your daily lifestyle. We walk loads - certainly a couple of miles a day I would think, if not more - because we don't have a car, which not only provides built-in activity but gives me fab opportunities to chat to the dc.

The deal re extra-curricular activities in our house is at least one creative/musical activity and at least one sport, plus ideally a group activity of some kind, simply for reasons of well-roundedness. Might your dd go in for some kind of fun dance class?

Can sympathize with this. Both dds were, if I'm blunt, fat at young teens. Buying school uniform was a nightmare and they struggle d. We didn't make a big deal of it and both now, in their 20s are total gym bunnies training g for a tough mudder. Both are size 10/12.
DS is 11 now and here we go again. He hates sports, is overweight and beginning to have issues about his weight. We discovered he will do tennis with dh so he does that once a week and only last week learned to ride a bike so has been out on that all week.
Lots of good advice on here about less food and more exercise, but they do grow and stretch and level out in time.don't make a huge issue of it.

Oh, and on the clothing front his school shirts from Asda are marked as age 14 -15! Does wonders for his self esteem!

Clothing sizes are a joke...and I don't think you should set too much store by them
DD1 as I said earlier mid-higher end range BMI, age 12.5, average height ... in theory should the ideal 12-13s

Last year (so age 11.5- 12.5) had Asda size 12-13 blouses - and needs 13-14s this year...
(but ok - she is broad around her back - size 34 AA bra - couldn't get a junior bra (stage between vest tops and proper bras) - they don't make them that big )
This year just tried on M&S trousers - needs size 11-12 - 12-13s hang off her...but 2 or 3 years ago (so 9-10) - she was in age 11 of a different style of M&S school trousers..!

(As to primark - a year ago she needed an adult size 10 jacket - this year one size 6 t-shirt is hanging off her shoulders - another fits perfectly...)