Talking to 11 yo dd about weight/ over eating.

[NoonarAgain]

Hi,
We are generally a healthy eating family. We love whole foods ( mainly vege) but enjoy cakes etc as a treat.

Dd1 is 11 and has always been a carb junky, wanting the biggest portion/ seconds. She will eat v healthy foods eg brown rice, pulses, soups... That many dc turn their nose up at, but it is still a struggle. She is obsessed with sweets, cake, crisps etc. doesn't get them that often- but s still obsessed!

A big issue is portion size and her having a huge appetite, and being naturally sedentary and wanting to play quietly in her room instead of playing out.

Also, school dinners, parties, grandparents' treats make a massive difference to her weight, which can increase visibly after a week of treats ( we just had 4 bday parties in a week).

I feel we have a good knowledge of nutrition but my dd is getting to the age when she seems to acquire sweets without my knowledge. If she were in a different family with different eating habits, I think she'd be huge :(

She is a very sturdy build and weighs roughly 39 kg ( height 147cm). She is a bit plump but very beautiful and healthy looking. She is not designed to be skinny.

(i also have a very active 9yo dd who is always playing out and eats when she's hungry. She is a naturally tiny).

I honestly feel quite clued up about nutrition etc but am still struggling to stop her gain weight. I have tried to talk to dd about making healthy choices and about portion size. She is going through puberty and unless we're carefully she will be a very overweight teen.

Any advice about how to discuss this issue sensitively? I m worried about the whole body image/ self esteem angle. I have had general chats about junk foods and obesity in modern times and how hard it is for us all to avoid unhealthy foods. I also tell her she's on the border between just right and getting a little bit plump. But it's so hard when she always wants more/ pesters for treats when out.

How do I get her on board with this and deal with it sensitively? She seems to listen for couple of days then slips back into old habits.

Any advice pease?

Just checked her BMI and it said it was 18, 53rd centile. It says that up to 46 kilos is a normal weight for that height.

Used this site here

Could you be projecting your own issue on to her?

Wi fit, I agree and thank you for your honesty. DH is a very keen cyclist and I have asked him to be more proactive in suggesting a bike ride with her. I am def going to do the pedometer thing. And I will maybe do some running with them myself as we are quite good runners in my family, we just find it a bit of an effort!

Btw, She is going to a new( secondary) school and it is quite old fashioned and does home cooked meals. The local comp had a canteen that made me feel it was a fast track to obesity for dd :( The new sch it is also a sporty school but in an inclusive way.

I wouldnt even bring it up with her tbh.

Encourage fun sports and outdoor stuff, and have healthy stuff in the house and no crappy sweets, but she doesnt need to be feeling worried about her weight at 11. She'll have enough of that in her life, whether shes fat or thin

Just be wary of using the word "suggest" in relation to exercise. If I did this with ds1, the answer would always be no! My ds responds quite well to routine. Sunday mornings are family karate class (local leisure centre) so all three boys go with dh. Swimming twice a week with me. Walking to stations etc as mentioned. It's all part of our routine so is no longer questioned. We have a large garden despite being in central London and I still get met with "no" when I throw him out into it. But I counter this with challenging him to show me how else he has been active that day. Sometimes he can and he wins and gets to stay indoors. Mostly though it makes him see that he hasn't been active at all and needs to go out.

Ballon slayer, she is on the very upper edge of normal range. But she has a developed some flab around the middle and her thighs do not fit into many aged 11/12 trousers. this is a new thing and i want to reverse this trend. i want her to be her gorgeous sturdy natural self. but the extra flab is a slippery slope.

She was last weighed in April (to measure her for something specific) and she was 50 th centile for height but more like 65th centile for weight, so the proportions were a little out then and she has def gained since then (although hardly any taller, cannot wear several pairs of jeans.

DH has also commented on it to me, and he has no issues at all.

Am really trying not to project, but I promise you she is objectively tubby but gorgeous.

Gosh that last post sounded awful, like I'm down on dds body :( I'm just trying to say whats changed about her. i promise i am not the sort of mum who obsessively weighs her child! She was also measured for uniform. Waist 27 cm. I never weigh/ measure unless there's an actual reason ( in this case uniform and fitting to life jacket).

Noonar - you are not coming across as 'down on dds body' at all so don't worry.

I would start to be concerned too if I was you - better to sort it now while there isn't too much of a problem.

Noonar, I would question whether what you see as a healthy diet is actually satisfying your dd. This is just a thought, obviously I don't know. but there are some warning bells in your OP (for me):

"mostly veggie"
"healthy"
"carb junky"

these phrases suggest that if your dd is like me, she has an urge for carbs and sweets because she maybe needs more good fat and protein. Veggie food can be very low fat and high carb and often not deeply satisfying - some people on this sort of diet struggle to control carb cravings and a sweet tooth. (although it does suit some other people very well)

Obviously I am only guessing so sorry if I am speaking out of turn.

Does she like eggs? Eggs for breakfast are a magic bullet for me and help to control my appetite for the whole day. Cereal for breakfast is a disaster for me.

If she is in the habit of snacking and "treating" on carbs I wonder what would happen if you removed those from availability at home and replaced them with nuts, babybels, etc. Also would it be possible to look at protein with fat in her meals - oily fish etc? She might be hungry, not just peckish

Hi OP, and others .

I'm not sure I have any useful advice on this, but wanted to offer solidarity. I have a 6yo DS who has a really big appetite and is also extremely into carbs, usually wanting more after what I (and others) consider a normal child's portion. I feel quite flummoxed by it, as DH and I have always been slim and really don't have a taste for sweets, etc., and we eat healthily and moderately as a family. It often feels like it's really hard work to keep consumption sensible for DS without making it an "issue". It is such a hard balance to strike and, like you and others have said, I'm all too aware of the risks of controlling things too much. When out with other people, DS will sometimes eat crazy amounts, so I feel like it's up to me.

I've found that making protein and veg the main emphasis of the meal works to some extent. E.g., for breakfast, unlimited scrambled eggs/tomatoes/mushrooms with one piece of wholemeal toast works much better for my DS than a couple of pieces of toast and jam (although given the choice he'd probably go for the latter!), because he won't keep asking for more when it's less "carby". Making sure there's always something I'll say "yes" to (and not control) feels important to me, too. So having loads of salady stuff instantly available helps.

This is such a tricky issue, I think, and one which I feel is not easy to understand the complexities of unless you're dealing with it directly.

My DD1 (12) started secondary last year ...they go out at lunch so free reign at lunch time to eat whatever she likes ...(even the canteen meals don't seem that healthy) She had a can of squirty cream for lunch one day
She has stopped her dancing class - now doesn't do any active activities.. (she also has a friend who is starting to get big, has a big influence on her and hates any form of exercise - recently DD1 refused to do something as it involved walking up a hill - the words she used sounded like something straight out of her friend's mouth)

She is ok at the moment (not thin but nowhere near fat) but getting a bit of a tummy...
I have been completely frank with her - told her she is getting a tummy and needs to be careful. When she was little she would get a tummy before a growth spurt - she knows that - but if it is the same or worse in two months she needs to act. If she cuts down a bit it will go but she doesn't want to be adding to it. If she wants to eat a treat and she has had a lot that day I will ask her (and she should think) if she really needs to eat it.
I'm overweight and have been since a teenager - I have told her it is incredible easy to get fat and much harder to lose weight. She knows that I did silly things when I was younger - starving myself, making myself sick etc etc. I now just make sure I don't get any fatter than I am - and if the scales start creeping up I cut down/increase activity. SHE has the power to control her weight now and in the future - to choose what to eat - decide if it is a sensible choice (IME by 11 in this day and age they are taught healthy eating and exercise at school - my 6 yo knows!).

I have also told her (and she knows!) I will be completely honest with her - if she is overweight I will tell her - if she is too thin I will tell her - if she is just right I will tell her. I don't want her obsessing about her weight...and actually if she gets overweight she is more likely to...
She has friends who are identical twins and are naturally very thin - went to the nutritionist when they were small - they get teased for being too thin. One has managed to put a little weight on recently - ( a 'friend' - same one as friendly with my DD - calls her the 'fat one' ). Twins mother has been on the NHS website BMI checker with them - to show them they are fine - the 'fat one' is still at the lower end of normal BMI - other right at the bottom of normal...(have done this for my DD - and she is in middle of normal range)...might be something you can do with your DD
(maybe do it yourself first - so you know what to expect with her...)

curryeater - good post.

Curry and paper, thanks for your posts. You are absolutely spot on with the protein issue. I do find including enough protein a challenge. I am trying to work on this issue. we have mode eggs at brekkie and reluctantly increasing the fish and chicken in her diet- I say reluctant as I don't really understand cooking with meat and I will only get free range so its expensive. Would be easier with meant two veg, I think!

Just re-read my post. Think that last sentence ("not easy to understand the complexities of unless you're dealing with it directly") sounds wrong (sorry) - I was talking about my friends and family (who are into over-feeding!), not in the slightest anyone else on this thread. Hope that didn't come accross wrong!

Who mentioned nuts - they are full of calories...be really careful with them ...
(I have a treat/snack in the evening - started snacking on nuts - and scales started creeping up ... did my usual be more careful and scales still going up (weigh myself every 2 weeks or so) -before realising eating a small bag of dry roasted peanuts was equivalent to 2 'to share' bags of crisp )

Noonar - Rose Elliot did a high protein veggie cook book.

Paper, I think my mil thinks I'm mean and deprive them of goodies. She is so wrong- actually we will giggle and share a decadent treat together, but it can't be a daily occurrence. Also, to the poster who talked about the children who were deprived of sweets up thread ( party scenario) I am pretty sure that doesn't apply here. May 2% truth in it, but not enough to explain dd's obsession with junk.

Noonar - I feel your pain meat and fish-wise. Absolutely no experience until relatively recently (changing diet for similar reasons). I feel it's an achievement that I now cook pieces of fish (by dumping them in an oven dish with a bit of olive oil/butter) and buy ready-cooked chicken pieces.

Unlucky, sorry didn't mean to ignore you :) the whole secondary sch thing is a worry. So hard to control! I hope my dd will be positively influenced by more sporty new friends :)

'Meat' and two veg. Thanks for rose Eliot tip.

Mine is like this too. Mad for carbs and sweeties. Someone bought her a tub of Haribo for her birthday.. We hid it to ration it out, she discovered it and ate the lot. She also found and ate an entire 1/2 cake. She is better when we don't have crap in the house, which we try not to do most of the time. But just sometimes I want a bit of cake

I think my dd sneaks things to. I find sweet wrappers in her room that I have no idea where they came from. If we have biscuits she sneaks them.

Sorry- appalling grammar! Lets blame the iPad:)

papercliphoarder, I don't think it did come across wrongly at all, I do know what you mean. It really is an absolute minefield.
My mother always treated me like a fat person and she meant well but it made me give up and be even greedier than I would otherwise have done. I was not fat as a child but I was surrounded by string bean kids who were allowed sweets and crisps daily and I was bitter and twisted about it and did overeat crap, secretly. I slimmed down a lot when I grew up, got busy, got some independence and some friends and some affirmation, and I think pouring all the good things into a person (love, trust, respect, friendship, enjoyment of physical things and your body, including nice clothes) is as much a mother's job as keeping out the crap things (sweets and pop)

I do not remotely mean to suggest that anyone on this thread doesn't know this or doesn't do this of course, I am sure you all do

Up the protein and fat, and down the carbs, and treats. Include cinnamon it's an insulin stabiliser. 27 inch waist is too big.

Up the exercise and activities. Get her a very good bra - could be her boobs are developing and very sore. Get her a hoopla hoop, get one for yourself too to whittle away the belly fat.

Up her vitamins and minerals, and chromium supplement, and get her to eat nuts.

Make sure that her local walk to the village isn't an opportunity to stock up on chocolate and crisps.

Good luck.

Orange - really not being critical but do you think it is normal to have to hide food from your dd? If somebody bought my dd a tub of Haribo then I would let her control what she has and if that means a tub then she can feel sick after and suffer the consequences. They have to learn to self regulate, or else what is going to happen once they have money and shops. If something is hidden and you get access to it then you are more likely to gorge on it. That is the problem with most diets - people who havent had too much of an issue with something desperately want it as soon as it is out of bounds.

If you let them have free reign then I think they will start to self regulate. Things don't become as tempting if they are not off limits.