OP, I am mid forties and have one (now young adult) child. I have always wanted nothing more than to be a mother honestly, and would have loved to have lots of children. And that was actually the plan when I got married, but domestic abuse and divorce put paid to that. I had hoped I’d find a new partner to have more children with but I think that shop has unfortunately sailed now. I KNOW it’s not the same thing at all as someone who hasn’t had kids at all, but I wanted to say that interestingly this almost desperate biological urge to have children that I’ve had since puberty basically, has absolutely left me in the past few years as part of perimenopause it seems.
Like you I still feel a bit sad that I didn’t meet Mr Right in time to build a family together (I’m still holding out hope I will eventually meet him!), and kind of jealous of young couples with small children. Including my own sisters who keep popping out babies which really doesn’t help!
Basically there is a bit of grief there for the way life has worked out for me. It sounds like you’re having similar feelings which is understandable. But I wanted to let you know that hormonal changes for me have resulted in my being much more able to accept my lot in life, and look forward to the future.
And although it’s like a knife to the heart when my sisters announce yet another baby, through proximity to them I do also get to be reminded of the less desirable bits of parenting, the whinging children, the sleepless nights and early mornings, not being able to watch “adult” programmes or go out to an “adult” event easily, or have a proper chat with a friend, the having to hand feed them and wipe their bums on the loo, the constant illness from nursery, the nits and thread worm, the constant mess, the having to clear up their vomit (which they’ve helpfully done all over the bed/new carpet/sofa ) when you’re vomiting yourself etc! And every year I get older, the less desirable the whole endeavour looks to me basically, and the more I realise I actually enjoy being an auntie and able to hand the kids back… I also recognise that not having small children at home means I am more free to do things like be a Cub scout leader and spend quality time with lots of kids in the local community doing adventures things and really making a difference in their lives, especially as I live in a relatively deprived area.
Also you should remind yourself that it’s not your fault things have worked out this way, it feels to me as though women have a ridiculously small window of time to have children at a socially acceptable age. And with men these days often not wanting to commit at all or until much later in life, and the increased cost of living etc, it’s becoming increasingly difficult to have that “perfect” family set-up in this day and age. Though I’m not sure if you always wanted kids or it’s more seeing that door closing that making you yearn for children. I have a friend who never wanted kids then hit 40 and panicked that she'd regret it and although she of course loves her child I know she has often wondered how her life would have been if she had just stuck to her original plan of remaining childfree.
Also I would say that you would definitely have looked at me in my late twenties as one of these people that it was all working out for “perfectly”, but behind closed doors it was a very different story.
Having my child I would say has added meaning to my life, in the sense of feeling personally intimately connected to the next generation, but it had meaning before, especially in my work and other family roles.
I do understand that feeling about having a baby seeming to be the pinnnacle of achievement, I would say also having a partner/being married feels like that to me, and it’s something I haven’t achieved (or at least a lasting one!) But I genuinely think a lot of that feeling basically just comes from living in a patriarchial society and the societal messages I received as a girl. So in the logical rather than emotional part of my brain I remind myself that it feels that way, but it’s not true, and I don’t somehow have less worth as a person and as a woman because I’m not married.