Some support for being childfree

[Nycbucketlist]

Myself and DP have decided we don't want kids. I have always been somewhat unsure but he has been very sure he doesn't want kids. As I've grown older, I've actually became more sure of I don't want them either. Not that I don't love some of my friends kids etc. But I will say that I grew up in a single parent home that struggled to make ends meet and my father was never around (and still never has been). Add onto that some familial sexual abuse as a young teen by a male family member who was my closest father figure, I'm not really confused as to why I don't want to bring a child into this world. Despite this, I'm constantly getting pressure from friends and family about why I don't want kids.
I think I'm going through the early 30s doubt where all my friends are pregnant but just knowing (because of the above) that it's just not for me. Can anyone give some advice on how to navigate this period?

@Nycbucketlist

this thread may be useful

Remind yourself that you don't need to make other people understand or agree with your decision.
If anyone keeps bringing it up, brush off their comments and change the subject.

I think it's hard to navigate family pressure to have babies because 'everyone else your age' is procreating. In a way, it was easier for me as it didn't happen and then I had gynae issues and it turned out it would probably never happen naturally! Being able to say that the gynae had said x y z shut down conversations.
I'm not sure how you navigate your situation. That's tricky and without a cast-iron reason, people will think they can talk you round.

Other people don’t need to think your reasons are valid. You know they are, and your DH shares this. You certainly don’t need to go around trying to convince them. For what it’s worth, I’d planned to stay childfree and throughout my 20s and 30s I got the usual nonsense about it being ‘selfish’, being lonely in old age, and how I’d regret it when it was too late. I did then have a child aged 40, and exactly the same people started saying ‘An only is a lonely!’ and ‘It’s selfish to only have one!’

From which I conclude that a certain kid of person is desperate for other people to validate their life choices by copying them, especially if the choices they’ve made (whether that’s one child or none) look ‘easier’.

ETA It’s not a syndrome I suffer from. Having been a childfree adult considerably longer than I’ve been a parent, I entirely get why people choose to be childfree, and have never thought of it as anything other than an equally valid life path. I certainly think I would have continued to be just as happy, but differently, had I not had DS.

You don’t owe anyone any explanation OP. Those who are asking are insensitive at best, rude at worst. I found it was best not to discuss my reasons for not having children with anyone - the conversation was never enjoyable, productive or informative for me- they were just an opportunity for those with children to ask intrusive questions, validate their life choices, force their views on me or to emotionally blackmail me or my partner. It sometimes felt like we were a weird form of entertainment for them - one conversation was never enough and we knew that those with children would talk about us when we weren’t there as the ‘news’ spread - I mean Christ get a hobby 😂!

We Are Childfree have lots of good info on their website and Instagram, and also have a podcast which covers how to handle some of this which I recommend. They also have lots of recommended answers for the dreaded children questions - which vary in degrees of sassiness!

Firstly I would tell your friends and family to kindly fuck off. Joke. You could say exactly what you’ve said here about not wanting children. I’m sure that will shut them up. You also don’t have to tell them anything. Frankly it’s none of their business and does not affect their life one bit. Of course it’s perfectly normal to have the early 30s doubts, you will even have people say you’ll regret not having kids but I think it’s much worse to regret having children. But not many parents talk about that. Many parents need to be validated in their own choices of choosing to have children and probably didn’t even realise that they actually had a choice to be Childfree.
You don’t need to live someone else’s picket white fence dream