Secondary infertility vs Primary

[KimberleyClark]

This thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5293423-to-feel-sad-that-people-are-not-having-children-they-would-have-liked-to-have?page=7

Is doing my head in. Am I right in thinking primary infertility is worse than secondary, because people with secondary or tertiary are mothers, and that saying “it’s not a competition” belittles the pain of never being a mother?

Personally I’ve never suffered any pain at not being a mother.

Then obviously this thread is not for you. You may not have realised it, but this board is for people who have no children for any reason, not just through choice.

I think what they are saying is that it’s not a competition, both are awful and very difficult things to cope with, and I’d say that is correct?

No it’s not. It’s for people who have experienced infertility.

As someone who struggled to conceive a second, I would rather be in that situation than not being able to conceive my first.

That doesn't mean the hurt isn't bad, but clearly it's preferable to have one than none... in my view, anyway.

But it's a bit pointless to compare.

From my experience I would arguably say secondary infertility is worse. Until I fell pregnant I had absolutely no interest in being a mum. Now that I have one I wish I could have another.

It isn’t a competition.

People’s suffering is relative to their experience.

A loss of the grandparent can be the worse thing in the world to someone who has never lost a parent, the loss of a parent the worse thing to someone who has never lost a spouse and so on.

It isn’t suffering top trumps and that thread was very clearly not about primary infertility so why you felt the need to derail it so is something you should reflect on.

This reminds me of my friend who had fertility issues and sadly had a number of
miscarriages. She used to say the pain of a miscarriage was the same as losing a child. I’ve never experienced either so never shared my thoughts, but thought it was a bold statement particularly given someone in our friendship group had lost a child.

That friend has since had a stillbirth and is mortified about what she said about her miscarriages and is now aware of how naive her comments were, as the stillbirth was far more traumatic and painful than the miscarriages (which were indeed also devastating and traumatic, but in a different way).

She now also has secondary infertility issues which she recognises as difficult and regularly advocates for - but is so much more grateful to be in a position where she has one healthy child.

I think when it’s the worst pain you’ve ever felt, you think it’s equivalent to the worst pain of others, but sometimes it’s just not.

I think ita difficult for any infertility. But I am now doing ivf for a second child (after also having primary infertility) And 100% its so much worse when you have primary infertility for me anyway

Obviously its awful wanting to expand your family and having trouble too but for me it was so much harder the first time.

But i dont think there is a need to compare as it sucks either way haha

I was once told by a friend while ttc that secondary infertility is worse because someone with one child knows what they’re missing out on. I suppose there is truth in that, but she is no longer my friend.

I think the problem is that while you may feel that your pain in never being a mother is belittled by people saying "I have secondary infertility so I know how you feel", someone suffering secondary infertility feels that their pain is belittled by people saying "at least you have a DC". So that's what they mean by "it's not a competition" - not that someone's pain is the same as someone else's pain, but rather that we should all try not to say things that are hurtful to a person who is already struggling.

Fair points.

Even though you’ve never experienced primary infertility, you must be able to appreciate that some women yearn for it and are devastated they can’t have any children?

I’m (probably) infertile, but don’t really mind about not having children so it’s not an emotional part of my life. I can still understand that if you desperately want children then it would be awful to not be able to have one, and if you desperately want two you should be able to take some solace in the fact that you have one.

Losing one of my arms would be awful and life changing and traumatic. Losing both would objectively be worse though.

ETA; I’m not minimising secondary infertility issues - I’m sure it’s awful and painful every day and month, and I have sympathy with anyone in that position. But it’s not worse than primary infertility, at most it’s equal.

Both are the same in terms of how it affects a woman/couple it’s just a different type of pain. It’s not helpful to resent others going through similar. Primary and secondary to me are the same. You can argue and set out reasons for both and why one is worse than the other I suppose but it’s all relative .

Not just that.

Why should I fully concede her truth? She didn’t concede mine.

Sorry I was talking about my friend there not that poster. I thought I was sort of accepting her point.

I think the people who feel secondary infertility is just as bad haven’t experienced not being able to have a child at all, or never encountered infertility full stop. It’s very sad if you’re not able to have a second child, I am sad about it myself, but having struggled to have my first, it’s incomparable. Doesn’t mean that I’d belittle tbe pain of anyone sharing their secondary fertility struggles but to myself I think “I already have a child and I’m so bloody grateful for that.”

I don’t think there’s necessarily any good to be found in trying to identify which is worse. The poster above who says secondary is worse because she didn’t want a kid until she had one and now suffers because she wants another is a good example of why - not wanting kids is unlikely to be the experience of most women suffering primary infertility (and said women are therefore in the same situation that she is, wanting something they can’t have).

What is totally off is that thread poster appears to think that “not getting to have more kids because my friends and family won’t help me raise them” is comparable to either!

I think pain is pain and it’s not up to someone else to say you don’t feel it (or feel it as bad)

I don’t think these things are comparable because everyone has different tools of resilience that make it seem like one may be lesser than the other.

With my infertility and all the trauma that has came with it, a lot of days I want to curl up and die. But I don’t. And I won’t.