child free best friend - how can it work?

[Rooster2021]

Hello
looking for insight.
I have 2 young children, one being a baby.
I have a best friend of 20 years who is single and childfree.
I have been wrapped up in the daily slog of parenting, and she has been going through a hard time (career stuff, feeling lonely, not knowing where she’s at etc, late thirties blues). I haven’t been there for her properly.
she brought this up and said she doesn’t want to drift apart but said we can’t relate to eachother anymore and that we have ‘other people’ to do that with, but she wants to make an effort to not lose each other. She has new friends she can relate to (also childfree and single) as all her other friends are also wrapped up in family life.
I guess my question is how do I be a good friend to her, what does she need from me, specifically so I can prioritise that, how does she really feel (she mentioned me being ‘lucky’ for what I have) and how do I not make her feel this way.
I love her to bits and want us to be always close, but is it inevitable we will drift in these years?
we are very close and I’m close to her family, get invited to family events ect. My mum died and my family is a bit broken, so she and her mum have always been ‘there’ for me in a sort of ‘family’ capacity - although she did say ‘we aren’t sisters and must remember that to make an effort and not drift’. We also have the same friends too so see eachother regularly but might not connect 121.

She’s basically being kind and saying don’t feel undrf pressure to feel you have to support me because I know you’re right in the thick of it with children

Just make time for her and listen to her about her life; I was in your friends position and my friend made sure we could do a mixture of meet ups with children and without. She didn’t make me feel that what I was going through was any less valid.
On my side I loved her DC so made sure I showed an interest in everything even i didn’t necessarily understand her experience and I tried to help as well

I think it's really nice of you to think about your friend and consider her. I've lost friends when they've become parents.

Does your friend want children but can't have them? That may put a different spin on it emotionally wise for her.

Hmm I feel like she’s making a veiled threat. She’s pissed off your kids are now (rightly) your priority and you’re knackered and time is scarce. Her envy is not your responsibility.

You are allowed to say that you also need her understanding and tolerance - it needs to be a mutually agreed understanding that your lives are different but you both want to stay close.

It’s not all on you.

I have quite a few child free friends. We haven’t lost touch and we both make an effort to see each other and have done this since they were babies. Usually a week night, that way both of you can keep weekends free, children are in bed anyway. We meet for a drink and food, and apart from the quick initial ‘how’s family’ on both sides, we just talk about everything we used to before children.

I’m not child free so don’t want to overstep on this board, but when it comes to my child free friends, I make an effort to speak to them and respond to messages (as much as I say I have no time, the reality is there are times when the baby is toddling about and the toddler is happily playing and I can sit on the sofa). I also avoid talking about my children to make it about them. Obviously they come in conversation but I don’t make it all about them.

I don’t get envy from that at all. What an odd take.

You sound… horrible

I’m honestly not! That’s genuinely the vibe I got from the post. Prepared to be told I’m wrong @Rooster2021 !

My closest friend is child free. We've been friends for over 20yrs.
I made time to meet up with her on my own and made sure I had time every now and then to have a chat over the phone when I knew I wasn't going to be interrupted by a child (she found that annoying)
Could you meet up with her for a child free drink, coffee or walk while the baby is little then longer as the dcs get older?

My best friend has kids now, but there was a 5 year gap between me having my eldest and her having her eldest. We stayed close during this time.

Basically it takes patience on both sides. You should make the effort to sometimes meet up without kids and leave them with your partner, she needs to accept that usually your kids will be there and you'll need to do child friendly things. Keep talking, communicating, being honest with each other.

Once in a while 121 without kids is great. I am childfree and have many friends with kids. There is a time when kids are little when it is mainly messages whenever my friends have time, then as the pressure eases up, we occasionally meet, but keep in really good touch via whatsapp. Nowadays, friendships can thrive online. My closest friend is abroad and we voice message every day actually. I speak to her more than to many people who are local to me! Of course she tells me about her kids, but we also talk about her only, her husband etc. She is a person of her own, not only a mother, so plenty to talk about always. She is my busiest whatsapp chat!

On the other hand, I had few friends who would never talk about anything but kids. I get it, but it doesn't interest me to a level of speaking only about them, I want to speak to a friend about the friend, or me. Not "How are you?" "Kids are fine, doing crafts today".

You don't need to overthink. Just chat with her, remember you are person of your own so don't make everything about kids, but talk about YOU as well. And her of course.

I had the "what am i doing with my life" mid 30s. It's kind of like the teenage "who am I, what am I supposed to do and be" crisis just with less hormones flying around and more self awareness. It will pass for her too.

The you are lucky comment makes me think maybe she is more childless than childfree? That changes the dynamic and feelings quite a bit.

Yes but the very fact you got that vibe.., would indicate someone who actively looks for shadows

Not at all and a weird take from you. Also, responses like yours will shame the OP if she does actually have mixed feelings.

I would say make sure you see her just the two of you. Not always with your kids in tow.

I did as well. I’d have been very hurt if a friend spoke to me as the OPs friend did.

Op, I’m more similar to your BF’s situation that yours. I think quality is more important than quantity when it comes to your time together and your interactions.

Making some child-free arrangements to see each other (if that’s practical depending on age of your baby) rather than meeting up more regularly but your attention is always on watching the kids. If you need to have the baby with you, that can still be easier than a toddler running around though!

This is not to say when you meet up you only should talk about her, but so you both can talk about your lives without distraction.

Is she ‘child free’ by choice?

Is she saying you’re ‘lucky’ is a way that gives you the impression she doesn’t want you to mention things you’re finding difficult?

Meeting up without DC is the main thing I’d do.

Thanks everyone.
my friend has never been sure about kids but it’s not totally out of the question I don’t think. She came out of a long relationship 2 years ago and she is late thirties. She’s been on the dating scene a while and it’s exhausting her. I think this stage in her life is quite a lot for her and I’m not there to relate or be with her during it. She mentioned she felt sad that she was connecting and confiding and relating to new friends and had awareness of me being absent. But she also had awareness that I can’t relate properly as she can’t relate to my situation either.
I guess I find it hard cause she’s filling her time and needs with friends (and I used to be that) and I am filling mine with kids (something she is separate from) so I don’t tend to feel the missing hole as much as she does. That worries me because I don’t want to come out of this haze and realise she’s a different person and I’ve missed it all.
for those talking about envy, she isn’t like that really. But she mentioned about being the wrong audience for the moans and gripes of parenthood as she thinks im kinda lucky, which I get.
she does want to meet someone - that’s for sure. But she has said for a long time that maybe kids won’t happen and she will be happy being a step mum if that happens. But maybe now, being in late thirties it’s something entirely different and something I can’t relate to?

I think that’s fair. I lost three close longtime childfree friends when I had a late baby, having been happily childfree myself till I was 40 — I think they struggled with recategorising me. However, I’ve made several close childfree friends since DS is a bit more independent, and honestly, their lives are far more restricted by their dogs than mine is by having a child. We both work around that. I think the childfree and parents of older children gel perfectly well, and that many friendships can and will survive the baby stage with tolerance, flexibility and goodwill on both sides.

Well you’re hardly likely to admit it

but on the basis of your response, to have got that “vibe”, I would say I’m right!

I think sadly for most people friendships dwindle when one is childfree/childless and the other is very busy with family life. It’s whether or not they can be reignited later on is the question. And as others have said it does require understanding on BOTH sides.

I am childless NOT by choice. A lot of my friends have children. The friends with children I still have are definitely not as close as they were. But they are also the ones that understood my side and everything I went through with failed IVF and miscarriages over the years. Ones that weren’t understanding of that I no longer talk to. So I have a small group of friends left who all have children but I only see them one on one. If they get together children is ALL they talk about. One of them has tried in the past to steer the conversation to other things to include me but it just doesn’t work. So I just don’t go out with them as a group. Even if the topic wasn’t children I wouldn’t feel comfortable not being able to join in a conversation at all.
One on one they are very interesting people otherwise who actually all have varied lives with interesting jobs and hobbies. I probably meet them one on one maybe once or twice a year each. Not much at all but it’s all they can manage with family life and I get that. And I hope they understand that equally I have other childfree friends now who I see more and feel closer to. So if I have a problem or just fancy a chat I ring one of the childfree friends. It’s not that I don’t want to speak to my old friends anymore, it’s just that our lives aren’t compatible. If I tried to ring one of them they’d either not answer or the conversation would be constantly interrupted until eventually they’d said they’d ring me back and I wouldn’t hear from them until weeks later when I’d get an apology text but no suggestion of resuming the call.
But if they want to call me or meet up I will always see them. I try to attend birthdays etc. But I will admit I do often find myself prioritising my closer childfree friends these days. Not in a mean way, it’s again just because I see them more now and I feel like they are closer friends.

Maybe in the future my old friends will become closer again once their children have grown up. But I doubt it because they all have their own little meet ups now (with and without children) where they don’t invite me anymore. Which I understand. Because it was me who was always turning down the group meets due to the constant children conversation. But I can’t see it going back to how it was now. We each have our own new groups. But I do still think of them as my friends and always will. I don’t resent them. And I hope they feel the same about me.

1-2-1time together without your children in tow is the way to go, and making sure your children don't dominate the conversation - I don't mean not to talk about them at all, but making sure there is plenty of general conversation of the kind you had before you had children.

I gradually lost all my friends once they had children. There is a tendency for conversations amongst people with children to revolve around their children, and the childfree person has nothing to contribute.

It's great that you want to maintain this friendship and are considering your friend's perspective - not many would bother - I hope your efforts are appreciated.

Yes you’re coming across as the sort of person who’s certain they’re right.

It’s not clear if you meet with friends alone or with kids

if with kids then make a time without so you and her