child free best friend - how can it work?

[Rooster2021]

Hello
looking for insight.
I have 2 young children, one being a baby.
I have a best friend of 20 years who is single and childfree.
I have been wrapped up in the daily slog of parenting, and she has been going through a hard time (career stuff, feeling lonely, not knowing where she’s at etc, late thirties blues). I haven’t been there for her properly.
she brought this up and said she doesn’t want to drift apart but said we can’t relate to eachother anymore and that we have ‘other people’ to do that with, but she wants to make an effort to not lose each other. She has new friends she can relate to (also childfree and single) as all her other friends are also wrapped up in family life.
I guess my question is how do I be a good friend to her, what does she need from me, specifically so I can prioritise that, how does she really feel (she mentioned me being ‘lucky’ for what I have) and how do I not make her feel this way.
I love her to bits and want us to be always close, but is it inevitable we will drift in these years?
we are very close and I’m close to her family, get invited to family events ect. My mum died and my family is a bit broken, so she and her mum have always been ‘there’ for me in a sort of ‘family’ capacity - although she did say ‘we aren’t sisters and must remember that to make an effort and not drift’. We also have the same friends too so see eachother regularly but might not connect 121.

I can only speak from my own perspective as a child free friend, but one thing my friends who became mums often assumed, was that they had to see me child free when they had babies and toddlers. They didn’t! I don’t want my own, but actually I’m happy to come round for tea and bath time and chat to their children then stay on after they’ve been put to bed for a glass of wine and a catch up. I don’t want it to be every single time for 8 years but I have more time than them and their children are perfectly nice.

When I was single though, I was a bit wary of friends (often ones who were relieved to be out the other side of long term singledom) asking for dating horror stories. I had a sneaking suspicion they would get into bed and repeat them to their husband so that they could get an “at least that’s not us” chat in, with their house and babies and marriage smugness. But it was probably projection. I didn’t like it though. I never ask my single friends about Tinder or OLD now for that reason.

Long phone calls are also underrated!

Meet up with her without kids if you can. Don't talk about your kids all the time when you see her. Send her the odd message just asking how she is.

I have been ‘phased out’ by friends I thought were close when they had kids, so it’s lovely to hear you don’t want that to happen. See her without the kids at least sometimes, and both enjoy talking about the good elements of the differences in your lives, rather than the less good.

Is there an activity you have enjoyed doing together? Not bars and clubs, as I doubt you’re up for that. I was thinking of games board / computer, playing cards, crafts. Something specific you could meet up to enjoy which will break up the conversation about how different your lives currently are. But you can chat and relax in each other’s company. It would be a nice change of pace for you too.

I think it is important to point out that your friend isn't "childfree". It sounds like she wants children but just hasn't had the opportunity to have them yet. Her status as a parent isn't even relevant. This is about friendship. Friendships take effort to maintain. In fact, all relationships take effort to maintain. You admit that you haven't been there for her, so obviously the friendship is going to suffer. Of course, having children takes up a lot of your life, but it shouldn't be your whole life. You don't want to be one of those women who wake up one day with their children gone, no partner, and not a friend in the world because you have only ever prioritised your children.

You're being thoughtful, but you're also stigmatising her by defining the differences between you as simply about the fact that you have children and she does not.

Try to think beyond that.

I think the comment @Alalalala made is perfectly fair. The friend sounds needy and is putting a lot of agency on the OP to accommodate her. Comments like "you're lucky" and "we're not sisters" don't exactly resonate with friendship or understanding. The latter comment in particular, though factual, is a rather strange thing to say. It seems to be a reference to the OP's closeness to her friend's family.

That comment just means the OP shouldn't take it for granted that their relationship will always be there.

This may or may not work for you but my best friend got married and had children, I didn’t (just had a partner long term later became dh). We talked about our friendship and both agreed it was very important to us both, but our lives were very different. I was also dealing with some medical conditions which meant I couldn’t have children despite wanting them originally. We decided to take 5 years out from each other, the exceptions being things like bereavement/birthdays/Christmas etc . It took the pressure right off both of us in having to make time for the friendships, it nipped any resentments about each others lives and time constraints in the bud for both of us. Once her youngest reached 5 we both said do we fancy taking up where we left off? Our friendship is over 40 years now, and we text or speak nearly daily. We are several hundred miles apart and still see each other on a regular basis and play a big part in each others lives and family.

Yes, I know. So she's either subtly telling the OP that the friendship is over or she expects the OP (a young mum with a baby and a toddler) to accommodate her needs on her terms - or else.

No. She's just telling the OP that she needs to make some effort to maintain the friendship. The OP admits herself that she hasn't been there for her friend who is going through a hard time.

Can she stay over at yours and you can catchup when kids are in bed? Might help her with the loneliness of being home alone a lot. Or an early start caused by the kids might make her feel grateful for her life!

I think she sounds scared. She isn’t number one in anyone’s life, she knows the OP has her own family and busy life, and she’s basically saying “don’t forget about me”. She probably feels a bit excluded or left behind.

It's not brain surgery - you make time to see her without your children. You leave them with their dad for a Saturday and go and have a fabulous long lunch and good catch up with her.

Childfree people aren’t all envious of people with kids you know.

She’s pissed off your kids are now (rightly) your priority and you’re knackered and time is scarce. Her envy is not your responsibility.

Why would she envy someone being 'knackered' and having no time?

You saying you can’t really relate to her anymore because you have children gives off the vibes that you have nothing else about you other than your kids. You are still an individual person and not just a mum. You obviously related to her before you had kids, this doesn’t need to change so drastically.

Make an effort to see her without your children and to not just talk about them when you’re with her.

Send a message at least once a week with casual chat. How’s work, what are you watching at the moment, do you like this dress etc etc.

Arrange a takeaway night at hers to catch up, go to the cinema, a spa day. Anything not child related.

Thanks everyone

I guess a big part of this is how close we are and how close we have always been. And how we have grown up together and done the same things, been through the same life stuff together at the same time.
its not that I don’t relate to her @DaisyChain505, I can on many ways of course. It’s that atm, she is going through a difficult time, feeling lonely and fed up of dating, other things about her age and potentially not having children etc (even though she’s been unsure). And instead of turning to me she has new friends she feels more comfortable confiding in. Which is fair enough… and for me it’s I’m in parentworld which she has said she can’t relate to. so it’s not about us not being able to totally relate, it’s about us losing that connection we had. We are not just ‘meet up now and again’ friends, we have a special bond I would say. I hope this makes sense to why just meeting up without kids isn’t enough (and I do that), it’s about not being intertwined in each others lives, and because of that, her feeling like we are drifting (and me being unaware cause I’m wrapped up in daily slogs!)

She's obviously prepared to continue to put the effort into your friendship and is merely asking that you do the same. That means asking her how she is and listening to her. It's means respecting her and limits to her time and headspace and understanding that just because she doesn't have kids it doesn't mean that she doesn't have any responsibility, that she should always do the hard work in your friendship: the travelling, the compromises etc.

If you can't do that then do her a favour and let the friendship go.

My best friend is childfree. (I have 1 child).
We didn't see a lot of each other during the first couple of years. My friend quite rightly likes a quiet life and my daughter was a big handful as a toddler.
However since my daughter turned 6, she's now 7, it's much easier to meet up. We meet in cafes and daughters also ok now in her house, she'll sit still and look at books and draw which I never thought possible!
How old are your children?
You may be able to connect with your friend more when they are older. In the meantime try to stay in touch over messages and phone calls.

I don't agree that friendships dwindle if one if childless and one isn't. My mums best friend of nearly 60 years doesn't have a children and they've always been close. The main reason I'm probably not as close to her is that she lives 200 miles away but her and my mum have always been close, speak every week and she sends lovely gifts to my DC. Similarly my MILs best friend of 40 years doesn't have children either! She is god mother to my husband and his brother and we call her great auntie to my son. An absolutely wonderful woman and even I consider her part of the family!

I have many friends who don't have children and I appreciate and value them enormously. My own best friend, her children are 10 years older than mine so there was a long period where I was the child free best friend. I guess it helped that I am "auntie" to her kids, love them like family and have always taken great interest in them. But during that period we always made an effort to meet up without kids and it never made us any less close.

In 60 now and childless through circumstances. My closest friends ( 2 sets) all have children ( eldest of these is now 25 and youngest is 5).
However I really enjoy children and I have put a lot into supporting my friends by looking after, engaging with and generally being interested in the children. They in turn have been supportive of me in difficult times ( most recently a bereavement).

Obviously I can't know for certain what it feels like to be a parent ( although I have worked with and understand children quite well) and they don't know what it is to have a life without children ( although one has the experience of becoming a single parent).

I think it has worked by both sides being generous and being willing to invest in the relationship. I've tried to care and look after their children like an honorary aunty or granny ( I very much see the littles as honorary grandchildren) and they have been open and broad enough to include me and try and understand my life experiences rather than only being a nuclear family all the time.

'We decided to take 5 years out from each other, the exceptions being things like bereavement/birthdays/Christmas etc . It took the pressure right off both of us in having to make time for the friendships, it nipped any resentments about each others lives and time constraints in the bud for both of us. Once her youngest reached 5 we both said do we fancy taking up where we left off? Our friendship is over 40 years now'

Wow @Alphabet1spaghetti2 - I'm in awe of how mature and pragmatic you and your friend were in making this decision. There must have been so much love and trust there. I had a close friendship where this was probably the way forward and might have saved us but as it turned out we're not in each others lives anymore

@Lottapianos it seemed like a huge gamble at the time! But resentments ruin friendships. This solution took that out of the equation (for both of us!) whilst leaving a friendship that would still be there in an emergency, until we were both able to give each other the attention our friendship deserved. (And maybe both of us had matured enough to accept our very different lives?!).

In some ways I like the honesty of stating that you're taking 5 years out. I think resentment really comes when people say one thing like that friends are still important whilst not acting like it.