Hi, I’m in a very similar place to you, though I’m in my early 30s. Like you, I’m facing a lot of questions about motherhood and my own feelings around it. I’ve noticed that people are often quick to judge—if you didn’t try for kids earlier, they assume it wasn’t a priority for you. But I think this is more complex. I think that people who always wanted and dreamed about children could never understand that feeling of being unsure....
For most of my life, I didn’t want children—or at least, I told myself I didn’t. I didn’t feel maternal, and I couldn’t picture myself as a mother. People would say, “You’ll change your mind someday,” but I always said “NEVER!”
Looking back, though, I wonder if my circumstances shaped that mindset. I wasn’t in the right place to even consider having kids. I didn’t own my home, I wasn’t in a stable, long-term relationship, and I was focused on building my career. I wanted to create a foundation before I even thought about starting a family and this sometimes take time. People will argue that you don’t need all these things to have a child, but personally, I disagree. I don’t think there’s anything selfish about wanting a stable, secure life for your family. I’ve always felt that too many women rush into motherhood without a solid foundation, and later struggle to juggle everything. That’s not to judge anyone’s choices—it’s just how I’ve always seen it for myself. I didn’t want to put myself, or my future child, in a position where life would be unnecessarily hard. Growing up, I watched my mum work herself to the bone as a single mother. She left our home country to support me because there were no opportunities for her there. It was incredibly hard, and I think a part of me always knew I didn’t want my child to grow up facing those kinds of challenges.
Now, life is different. My mum has passed away, which has forced me to reevaluate so many things. I have an amazing husband, a stable life, and the means to provide for a child. And yet, I’m scared. My husband, who’s older than me, is open to the idea of having a child, but I find myself caught in this strange in-between place.
On some days, it feels like not having a child is wrong—like I’m rejecting something fundamental. But then, I feel this pull, almost like a whisper inside me saying, “Have a child.” It consumes my thoughts on those days, and I start imagining what life would be like as a mother. But then, the next day, the feelings vanish, and I’m left confused.
I don’t know if this back-and-forth is hormonal or just fear. Maybe it’s both. I’m trying to make sense of it all, but it’s hard. I have everything I thought I needed to feel ready, but somehow, I’m still unsure.
So whilst this doesn’t answer any of your questions or provide and sensible advice, all I want to say is that you’re not alone in feeling the way you feel.