40 and sad.

[Prettylittlethings4]

Hi all,

We don’t have kids. Not because we’re actively childfree or anything, or because we’ve tried and can’t. It’s just because it’s never been a priority or even a thought for many years

At 35 ish I did start thinking about it, then we had Covid, and now I’m feeling a bit old and torn.

So here are my thoughts on having kids;

• I feel like a failure at life for not ‘ticking the box’.
• I worry about ‘not having a family’
• i worry I’m missing out on a huge part of life
• I feel like I’m not ‘growing up’ or moving forward in life.
• but then, what’s a family… I mean so many have kids and it doesn’t go well!
• So many people in care homes are alone, no matter what
• young people can be really selfish and people are people, kids are just more people!
• its really hard work!
• Id want to have kids for the right reasons.. to nurture and develop a little life, im not sure if id have that drive in the clear light of day!
• The grunt work of parenting does not appeal!
• im 40! Even if I want kids, is it even a good idea. I mean, I’m not as energetic as I’d need to be! (I am healthy)
• sometimes things don’t happen for a reason..
• my dog irritates me when she’s nagging to play… how would I be with a small human!
• id need to be Mum, I’d prefer the role of Dad! Not due to my partner, just society.

I’m not sure what I want from this post. I know I don’t want questions and scrutiny on my life…. Maybe I’m looking for validation and others experiences… or to know I’m not alone in this feeling. And any tips on just living in the moment! I’m a planner.. I have a career, house, healthy finances etc.. I’m irritatingly planned and structured! (I annoy myself… sometimes wish I’d been a reckless younger person and ‘ended up’ with a family! But I’m ‘sensible’ and all that… it’s irritating! I’m irritated by me because I’m too controlling!!

I'm now 47 but I agree with every single thing you've said.

@Prettylittlethings4 I’ve always been of the opinion that you should really, consistently feel a need to be a parent before having children. I know so many people who had children because societally that was the next step. Some are really happy with that, others it turns out perhaps should’ve given it more thought.

Fears of a lonely old age is no reason to have children. There are plenty of people who have poor relationships with their parents as adults and is wholly unfair to put the responsibility of your future care and happiness onto someone else. Save your money and pay professionals to look after you rather than imposing on someone else’s life who feels they have to help out of obligation.

@KnickerlessParsons I know you were focusing on the fact there are options if fertility is an issue but adoption is not an easy path to take and should only be embarked on by those who have an innate desire to be parents. Childrens route to adoption is rarely smooth so parents have to be willing to take on the responsibility of a child who most likely will, as a minimum, have some level of emotional trauma if not complex other impacting factors. It is not a straightforward alternative for someone who is unsure about parenthood.

I am child free by choice and nearing 40. Strangely I had a very strong urge to be a parent as a teenager but that feeling has waned significantly as I’ve gotten older. This is probably partly due to col, climate change, social media and the million and one other things that complicate modern life. There are children in my life who I love and have close relationships with. I’ve witnessed their firsts, loved their cuddles and holding hands, discussing why rocks exist and which is the best dinosaur, building sandcastles, birthday parties, arts and craft sessions, reading stories, playing shops and leaving cookies for Santa. I’ve also seen the day to day struggle of the newborn lack of sleep, the tantruming toddlers, stress of school places, after school clubs, falling out with friends, illness, exams, stress in marriages, additional pressure of neurodiversity, a million and one decisions, dealing with unwanted advice, tension with grandparents, balancing work, always another thing to pay for and ultimately mums always being the default parent. To me it’s not something I want and that’s ok.

Me and DH are happy as just us. We are still a family, a family of two.

@CheeseyOnionPie I know. It's just whenever friends are mentioned, everyone says they will be your own age and needing help / dead themselves! And as an only child there are no other family members sadly.

@TheaBrandt Thank you for sharing that. It is quite reassuring, although I can't rely on nieces and nephews. I will never have any because I am an only child.

Very much agree with the struggles and stresses of parenting you have outlined. I don't think I could face it in these times. There is just so much to navigate. Life seems a lot more complicated than it was when I was growing up. And through my child / children, I wouldn't want to live through things like school, exams, university, trying to find a job again.

I work with young people and the challenges some of them face are huge. Not that life hasn't always been hard, but there is something about modern day life that I don't like. I think maybe it's the lack of freedom, the lack of simple pleasures like playing outside and also the lack of community. I think life was probably better when more people came from big families, and neighbours and friends interacted more. Maybe I am romantising the whole thing, but that's the sort of childhood I would want to give a child. I wouldn't want to be plonking them in front of a screen or spending hours in some noisy 'soft play'.

Writing this is helping me clarify my thoughts a little.

A prime example of parenting being harder than people are led to believe or fully understand. I realise in this instance the op is in a particularly challenging position with the age of her children. There are regular posts on this site of parents admitting it’s so much harder than they ever thought it would be.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5249775-i-realised-too-late-i-dont-like-parenting

This is interesting to read. Thank you for sharing. I think one poster hits the nail on the head in saying that parenting has become a 'lifestyle' thing in the last 20 years or so. That's what I was getting at when I said life isn't as simple now.

I note one poster said that life would be so empty without children. I wonder if they ever stop and think how upsetting that is to read for those who want children but can't have them. I also question the resilience and adaptability of some of these people. What if they too had not been able to have children? Would they have been able to adapt and fill their 'empty' lives?

In some ways I think life perhaps chooses the more unconventional paths for those of us who are strong enough to walk them.

You only have to read on here about how many people are NC with their children to know that guarantee isn't true.

I'm 40, childfree by choice and became unexpected single last year. Luckily I have worked hard at my friendships, both with my childfree friends and those with children so I'm not alone right now, but I will prepare for it as I get older.

You could look into things like giving power of attorney to a trusted friend or solicitor that deals with this sort of thing. Set up stuff

And remember there are people who might not be in touch with their children or the children may not wish to support them in old age.

It sounds trite but family is not always blood, friends are important too.

I couldn't agree more. My family are 300 miles away (and there's only a few of us) - my friends get me through everything.

Having a child of your own is no guarantee of having family as you age.

If you did get pregnant, there is a chance that they are disabled is some way, or decide to move to a different part of the country- or even abroad.

Family can be a group of friends. Nephews and nieces or friends children could provide that nurturing experience.

I was in my 40s before I realised that I was child free (not childless) and I'm happy with that. I could be biased!

I was in a related situation to you and mostly had a child due to fear of regretting not doing so. I love being a parent more than I thought possible, and it is the best thing I’ve ever done. Just to offer a different perspective to those who say you shouldn’t do it unless you really unambiguously know you want to.

Oh yes, absolutely! I have a huge fear of having a disabled child. I'd feel terrible if the child had a difficult life, and planning for the future would be made even more difficult and worrisome.

I work with someone who has a child with a disability and the poor man seems to be at constant breaking point. His pain is literally painted on his face.

You could always look at mentoring a young person perhaps in future rather than something like adoption or fostering?

Or sometimes they need placements for fostering e.g. a young mum and her child.

I have thought I might let a room out to a young care leaver if my DC move on at some point, also there are things like this for matching elderly people with young people as well.

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20230525-how-to-make-multigenerational-living-a-success

There are possibilities, might just mean thinking around it all! You sound self aware, thoughtful and sensitive OP.

This is another thing you might like Home start

https://www.home-start.org.uk/Pages/Category/how-to-volunteer

This is the one I was thinking of

https://homeshareuk.org/#:~:text=Homeshare%20enables%20two%20people%20to,for%20good%20quality%2C%20affordable%20accommodation.

it sounds like a case of the what ifs.
your reasons you give are all good and valid reasons, but because of your age, you're worrying about whether you'll regret it or not.

in my later 30s, there was a point in time where I got from a point of, no, definitely, never. to if it happens, it wouldn't be the end of the world, but I'm not stopping contraception. if the universe decides it fails, it's meant to be.

good thing it didn't. I'm 44 now, have a lot of chronic pain and fatigue issues, and there's no way I'd be coping if that had happened.
I KNOW I've got it in me to be a loving and nurturing parent. BUT. physically and mentally I couldn't do it, and there's every chance they'd be taken into care. keeping on top of mine and my husbands needs is a struggle many days. finally managed to get my doctor to refer me for sterilisation, which, I would have happily done in my early 20s, to be honest, if they didn't make it so difficult.

I think that, at approaching and around 40, it's normal to wonder if life would be different in a good way.
I'm sure if you have one, you will love them and give them everything, and never regret it.
but I'm also sure that once the wibbles pass, you'll not regret sticking to your guns either.

I became a mum close to my mid 40s so had a lot of years 'pre kid'. I suppose I can share my perspective. I understand where you are coming from and don't be too hard on yourself. I think it would help to ask yourself why you worry about not having a family, not 'growing up' or moving forward. Those are all BS concepts and, if you find yourself thinking in this way, even when you have a child it will never end. You won't be happy with one child nor two, etc. There will always be the next thing. Even if you had three kids, you would worry about whether they got along and which one, if any, would take care of you when you're elderly.

Children and babies are all very different. Sure, a lot of it can be nurture, but if they have a disability, it can be tough. Some sleep through the night; some don't. But not all kids are sick and poop factories.

Before becoming a parent, it was just never a big thing for me. I didn't freeze my eggs - no planning. I just knew that I wanted to find the right partner first and relationships were always my priority over becoming a parent.

Do you feel maternal towards your dog? I had a dog and was incredibly maternal towards it and that was one of several reasons that made me realise I wanted to become a parent - otherwise I wasn't fussed.

Just remember that some parents are immature and irresponsible so it's no sign of being a grown up.

Be kind to yourself and stop comparing your life against some societal yardstick.