To not want to always do kid-themed stuff

[harmfulsweeties]

I will start this by stating that I am childfree by choice.

I have a nephew who is turning 2 in a couple of weeks. He's a lovely kid-and I do love him and enjoy spending time with him. I've just back off holiday with him and it was fun.

However, I kind of want to draw a line in the sand and state that I don't want to go on holiday with them anymore. This isn't because I didn't enjoy or appreciate the holiday this year. I did, but I don't want to go to any more family-orientated hotels or do kid-themed stuff on the rare time that I get off work.

I prefer adult only holidays and doing stuff more geared towards adults than children. Children bore me, on the whole, and I am aware how unpopular that opinion is-but it's the truth.

I'm also becoming aware that my DB seems to be expecting that I'm going to be giving up my weekly shopping trips to the local town to attend classes with him and my nephew and honestly-I don't mind doing that every other weekend or one Saturday a month-something like that as a compromise-but every Saturday?

I can't imagine anything more mind numbingly boring. The issue is my DB is one of those people who thinks everyone's lives should now revolve around him and his child. I appreciate and respect that his life revolves around my DN-but I don't see why my life and free time should, too. As I say, I'm happy to compromise some of the Saturdays a month to attend these classes to keep the peace-but damn-every Saturday?

He's the type that will take full offence if you say no, too. He's also started to make noises about me getting a bed for my DN in my house and having him stay over- and I'm again-lost as to how to say no and not have the tantrum to rival all tantrums as a result.

Or be made to feel like a bad aunt/sister for not bowing down to every little thing in service of my DN. I just want to live my best childfree life-and do a bit of auntie duty here and there-I still want to be a presence in my DN's life-but I don't want all my free time to be revolving around him, either. You know?

It's a tricky situation to navigate as he's the type that doesn't really understand why I don't want kids-and seems to think such a decision is "selfish." Has anyone else found this type of situation and how to navigate it? I know I should just be upfront and honest with him and state my boundaries-and it's probably me making a problem out of nothing-but it's the kind of thing that I feel I need to get ahead of before it becomes an issue.

I'm amazed you've endured this for so long. Doing the occasional activity with your nephew, sure, but not entire holidays and regular classes. I really don't think you should tie yourself to these classes. Can you not say you simply don't have time for a regular commitment - your brother has to understand that not having children doesn't magically eliminate the need for life admin and housework.

I have 30+ nephews and nieces and I have never gone to any kind of class with any of them, I never went on holidays with them either until I had dc of my own and even then it was only once or twice. Its boring enough doing child friendly stuff with your own kids, with other people's I would imagine it's hell. Your brother sounds nuts!

What classes does a two year old attend?

Anyway, whatever they are, I can't imagine why an aunt would want to go, too. That's nuts.

And I had four children!

YANBU. Tell your brother to back off.

What a cheek! I do hope every time she moans you say 'well if you hadn't been such a cheeky cow when you told me to fuck off over buying a pint of milk, even though I was doing you a massive favour and you were two hours late, things might be different'

I would hate this YANBU. I find in my situation my DM is tone deaf to the fact that there are circumstances in which I could do without the inclusion of "lively" DGC. Lively being very much a euphemism.

I just ignore her because even if she’d bought me milk I wouldn’t be babysitting her 4 children three days a week for free 😂 So I just don’t speak about the subject with her at all. I babysit for other friends and family but I am selective about who and how much and definitely only babysit for people who actually know what ‘a village’ is rather than ‘kingdom which I am in charge of and is full of peasants to cater to my every whim’ which is what some people think it is!

She’s blatantly using you.

I try not to attend toddler classes with my own children, there's no way I'd go with my nephews or nieces 😂

Just find that you are suddenly very busy on Saturdays and Sundays and come up with some holiday plans involving friends etc..... failing that, a vague statement that makes no reference to not wanting to hang out with the incarnation 😂

Prepare a script in which you are now working a lot, involving weekends, and also busy with plans that involve other people - weekends away with friends, drinks with the girls, residential knitting courses. You get the picture. Of course you have a perfect right to spend your time alone and sat on your arse doing nothing, but men like this never recognise that and will moan endlessly if told the truth.

I would just make comments about not being a side character in his life, having my own, etc. and keep myself booked up in advance.

I have kids and don't think it's an unpopular opinion at all! And trust me when my kids are older and we aren't holidaying together no way would I want my holiday to revolve around kids/family activities

I have kids and it's not an unpopular option at all. He's being massively unreasonable and you need to 100% say no. He just wants free childcare but that's not your job.

That is actually quite bizarre. I don't think I've ever met anyone who expected their adult sibling to accompany them to every activity, every weekend.

Is your brother a single parent? It surprises me that his partner would want this. Very odd .

When I lived closer to my siblings, it was absolutely expected that I act as some sort of sister wife and become involved in parenting all their kids, so this doesn’t surprise me that much.

I got out of it by moving far away (that wasn’t why I moved, but it was a bonus). But yeah, agree with others, you need to put a stop to this as it’ll only get worse.

Some people think of a village as a bunch of co-parents and need to be told no. They’ll sulk but they’ll get over it, especially as they won’t want to risk the possibility of losing out on the lucrative Xmas and birthday pressies.

Your brother is crackers. I have dc and would only invite someone to classes if they had dc too and wanted to either take turns ferrying kids or thought it would be nice for the kids to do the class together whilst we had a coffee etc i wouldn't ask someone without kids - Saturday morning waiting for a 3 hour class is boring AF, its like him asking you to do something as mundane as ironing whilst you watch WHY

Sounds like your brother is grooming you to be the third parent. Free childcare forever more in his eyes. Put a stop to it right now. I have two kids but i would NEVER expect anyone to find kid related stuff exciting nor expect them to regularly give up their free time for my kids. He doesn't respect you, so make him respect you - just say no.

Where is the child's mother in all this? Your "dear" brother seems to have decided you're his son's defacto mother and he can dump a load of childcare on you. Tbh I would be drawing away from a man like that, lovely child or not. And the "not having children is selfish" is rich coming from a man who presumably chose to father one - no pregnacy and labour needed from him! - and now thinks he can commandeer your services and even your house. Fuck him, frankly.

The best thing to do is to find things you all enjoy and that works for all of you. If I had visitors then I'd probably take the week off all the toddler classes I could and go and explore natural environments with visitors, or something. Something everyone can enjoy.

On the other hand, I've also been in the other position with childfree visitors for a week who were real foodies. On the fourth day, my young child just couldn't handle another cafe and they just didn't understand why things weren't as relaxed and slow with young children at cafes. I did have to put my foot down and make a suggestion for something a bit touristy that didn't involve a cafe. I don't think half of the couple liked that so much but flexibility on both sides is necessary.

Honestly, OP, take responsibility for your own contribution to this dynamic. Your brother’s ‘expectations’ are irrelevant. You appear to have fed them by going on holidays with him and his child, and presumably going to classes with them in the past. I’m the only one of my siblings to have a child, and none of my siblings, with whom I get on well, has ever gone on holiday with me, DH and DS, or attended a class. If I lost my mind and suggested it, they’d just have laughed and said ‘Not in this universe.’

Why on earth have you gone along with any of this? You can’t change his behaviour, but you can certainly change your own.

It's a unusual dynamic, for anyone, to do lots of holidays and activities with their brother and children, more so if you are child free.

How did that get to be what he thinks people do?

Most people don't have a designated bed for their brothers kids either. It all sounds very strange.

I’m intrigued in what the classes are about!

That’s nothing like the ops situation though, in her situation it’s incorrect to say flexibility is needed on both sides.

I was commenting on the going on holiday part. If you go on holiday with someone, you need to work together to work out a schedule that has give and take a bit.

As far as the weekend activities, she should just say no to those, or go very occasionally for a special event, as that's an entirely different situation.

"Not this weekend, stuff to do"
Repeat until it penetrates his thick head.

Like @fitzwilliamdarcy im not surprised by the brothers expectations, however it is it at extreme end of the scale. My BIL expects that when we do the 17 hour round trip to see them (on our AL) the expectation is that we look after their kids to allow them to catch up on stuff/ even go out with their friends whilst we babysat.
out of interest does your brother help you in anyway? Does he do you favours? If you take the child out of the equation then it seems like a one sided relationship if he doesn’t do much to help or support you.
like others have said I think you need to put in some boundaries on how much of your free time you are willing to spend with your nephew- and absolutely no way to the holidays or child’s bed at yours!
also, it sounds like your brother needs to value your life and interests more - if he did he wouldn’t be expecting you to sacrifice your hobby/ holiday time all the time. If you don’t already maybe talk about them more, especially if you are saying that you can’t babysit as you are doing a certain hobby, e.g. ‘oh no I can’t come to the toddler class on Saturday as I’m at my art class. Have I told you about it? It’s really great….’
good luck OP- not an easy situation but protect your precious free time!