To not want to always do kid-themed stuff

[harmfulsweeties]

I will start this by stating that I am childfree by choice.

I have a nephew who is turning 2 in a couple of weeks. He's a lovely kid-and I do love him and enjoy spending time with him. I've just back off holiday with him and it was fun.

However, I kind of want to draw a line in the sand and state that I don't want to go on holiday with them anymore. This isn't because I didn't enjoy or appreciate the holiday this year. I did, but I don't want to go to any more family-orientated hotels or do kid-themed stuff on the rare time that I get off work.

I prefer adult only holidays and doing stuff more geared towards adults than children. Children bore me, on the whole, and I am aware how unpopular that opinion is-but it's the truth.

I'm also becoming aware that my DB seems to be expecting that I'm going to be giving up my weekly shopping trips to the local town to attend classes with him and my nephew and honestly-I don't mind doing that every other weekend or one Saturday a month-something like that as a compromise-but every Saturday?

I can't imagine anything more mind numbingly boring. The issue is my DB is one of those people who thinks everyone's lives should now revolve around him and his child. I appreciate and respect that his life revolves around my DN-but I don't see why my life and free time should, too. As I say, I'm happy to compromise some of the Saturdays a month to attend these classes to keep the peace-but damn-every Saturday?

He's the type that will take full offence if you say no, too. He's also started to make noises about me getting a bed for my DN in my house and having him stay over- and I'm again-lost as to how to say no and not have the tantrum to rival all tantrums as a result.

Or be made to feel like a bad aunt/sister for not bowing down to every little thing in service of my DN. I just want to live my best childfree life-and do a bit of auntie duty here and there-I still want to be a presence in my DN's life-but I don't want all my free time to be revolving around him, either. You know?

It's a tricky situation to navigate as he's the type that doesn't really understand why I don't want kids-and seems to think such a decision is "selfish." Has anyone else found this type of situation and how to navigate it? I know I should just be upfront and honest with him and state my boundaries-and it's probably me making a problem out of nothing-but it's the kind of thing that I feel I need to get ahead of before it becomes an issue.

Of course you shouldn't have to spend every holiday and weekend doing activities with your nephew. I would nip this in the bud now otherwise he will be expecting you to babysit every weekend. Make sure you have things already in your diary, make them up if necessary. Don't make him make you feel guilty. I would never have expected this of my siblings when my kids were young.

Your brother is obviously a bully and I'd worry about my niece being brought up by a grown man who can't hear no and has tantrums.

You're an adult so start putting your foot down. You're going to have to navigate the fall out if you want to remain in contact with him.

Just say, "That doesn't work for me." regarding the bed or the holiday etc Don't allow yourself to be manipulated or bullied.

Rest assured that your brother's apparent expectations are highly unusual, OP.

We have childfree siblings and have never expected this type of involvement, I don't know anyone who does. Nip it in the bud now, your brother may sulk for a while but he'll get over it. No, you're not available to attend classes with them and as they'll need to go on child friendly holidays for several years, say that you're not going next year - no need for explanations, you're not going!

If you put these boundaries in place now while your nephew is so young, it'll be fine.

Posted twice again.

My sister is child free. She takes dd out once or twice a year and babysits about the same. Dd is 13 now and she certainly didn't do it when she was pre school and trickier. Just since she's been good company. They see each other when we're all at my parents but that's it and I've never expected more.
Your brother is a bellend and bullying you to get his own way. It's not going to be pretty but if you want things to change you need to say no and ignore his nonsense.

It's not tricky at all.
You just say "Er, no thanks"
and
"I have chosen not to have dc. I love dn and love to spend some time with him, but not all my time"
etc.

I can't think of anyone who would expect their sibling to come to child activities with their child (and I've been to a lot of things with my dc over the years and met a lot of people, but never any child's Aunt on a regular basis).

@NewName24 Quite, her brother's expectations are very unusual. Has he always wanted to do everything with you, OP? What does his partner say - does she bring her siblings along as well?!

when you’re invited on holiday:

‘thanks for the invite but I’m saving my AL for X/Y/Z’

‘Can’t meet this Saturday as I’m going to run some errands around town/May meet with a friend/haven’t decided what I’m doing this weekend yet…’

Navigate it the same way how you navigate other invites you’re not interested in.

I completely agree with you.

My friend excitedly invited me to go to butlins with her and her 4yo this year, saying her DH couldn't go so luckily me could take his spot!!

This would involve a week of leave to sleep on a caravan sofa in England in November, driving everyone there and back, and going to kids funfairs and entertainment for a week.

No ta, I'd rather be at work.

OP, I'd go so far as to say that this isn't particularly normal. I've not known anyone who's had aunties or uncles so heavily involved in their lives. How did you get so enmeshed in your brother's life to the extent that he throws tantrums? Is he a single parent looking at you to be a surrogate mother figure? You need to disengage from this or it will escalate.

YANBU. End of.

I was wondering that too.

Your brother is nuts

I don’t enjoy small child centred activities or holidays - and I have kids.

I also think that going to classes with him is a bit of a waste of precious auntie time. He’s busy at the classes and you’re not getting 1:1 together. Parent should do the classes. Much better for you - and DNephew- to spend a few hours 1:1 together every so often, than go to a class with you every weekend.

I'm also becoming aware that my DB seems to be expecting that I'm going to be giving up my weekly shopping trips to the local town to attend classes with him and my nephew

Umm what? Why would he expect that? Why would anyone think that was a reasonable expectation 😂

I've never heard of anyone expecting a sibling to go to toddler classes with them and I've done plenty of toddler activities with mine. That's not normal.

Unless you are a UN trained diplomat there is no way of telling your DB you want to see less of his DC, not without him being offended Op. I think there's two parts to this- firstly, he doesn't think you should be CF so the more time he gets you to spend with your DN the more he thinks you'll change your mind, secondly, a devoted Auntie will always be a good source of childcare/babysitting so of course he wants you to be as involved as possible. Cynical of me I know, but probably true.
If you're happy to see your DN now and again but not too much, you're going to have to be honest Op and ride out the tantrums. It's not your DBs place to run your life for you and the sooner you sort this out the better, otherwise you're going to be dodging him and making excuses for the next decade

100% this. Before I had my little one I too was thoroughly bored by all the kids stuff my sisters wanted me to be part of😂 your brother needs to realise that just because he doesn't agree with your child free lifestyle, that doesn't give him the right to have a tantrum when you don't want to do constant things with/for your DN. I appreciate it will be hard but you really do need to put your foot down and tell him exactly what you are willing to do and what you're not

Children bore me, on the whole, and I am aware how unpopular that opinion is-but it's the truth.

Haha I have young kids and parenting them can be very boring at times! Reading the same book a thousand times, answering their questions again and again etc. Not everyone is Mary Poppins.

You’re an aunty. You should get to fly in and do the fun bits you want to and then spend your disposable income on travel, beauty treatments or whatever else the hell you want to.

It sounds like your DB will take offence. Lots of people think their kids are the incarnation and don’t understand why the rest of the world doesn’t see them that way. I think you just need to tell him you have other plans.

Also, here are some other things I found very boring when my life was in a completely different place:

people talking about their weddings
garden centres
people talking about their homes and gardens
people’s pets

Clearly one of those men who can’t/doesn’t want to manage his own kid on his own so needs to commandeer help from female relatives.

@Lemonadeand , loved the "most people think their kids are the incarnation" nicely put

YANBU! I know it’s hard but you need to find a way to extricate yourself.

My sister still complains years later she ‘doesn’t have a village because I won’t look after her children for free three days a week and stopped babysitting them entirely when I had them for the day and she text me to say she’d be two hours later because she needed to go shopping, I replied ok can you get me some milk please and she replied fuck off I’ve been at work all day.

Don't even countenance the conversation. No thanks, this year I'm going to x, y, z with annual leave. You're not an entertainer or babysitter!

I may be slightly bitter, went on holiday with sister when my kids were 1. She didn't take them to the park for even five minutes (not that I expected her too). Then we went away when mine were civilised and hers were young and she was apoplectic with rage that I wasn't entering her kids 12 hours a day.

Where is the child's mother? Your brother seems to be casting you in the role of female parent

This.

Your brother's expectations are extremely strange and unusual, unless perhaps his wife/ child's mother died or left suddenly and he's a 24/7/365 single parent and you two are extremely close bordering on inseparable, and he has somehow got the impression that you were willing to co-parent with him?